I Could Pee on This (3 page)

You can

Gall me

“Muffins”

All you want

But ‘til

You add

“Sir”

At the start

I’m not turning my head

Chicken and rice for the first day

Chicken and rice for the second day

Chicken and rice for the third day

Chicken and rice for the fourth day

Chicken and rice for the fifth day

Chicken and rice for the sixth day

Lamb and rice today

And just like that my world crumbles

Nine-hundred-and-ninety-five

I’m doing this for you

Nine-hundred-and-ninety-six

So please don’t interrupt

Nine-hundred-and-ninety-seven

I’m just keeping them honest

Nine-hundred-and-ninety-eight

So please do take note

Nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine

And now thanks to me we all know

There really were one thousand sheets

in this toilet paper roll

In ancient Egypt

We cats were gods

We ruled the heavens

We reigned on earth

So kneel before me

I said come to me

Uh, listen to me

How about just a treat then?

Okay, maybe a toy

Some crumpled paper would do

I’m not picky

Well, can you at least scratch

behind my ear?

Can you at least do that?

Oh

Oh yes

You serve your master well

Life is a hallway

Meant to be explored

One barely head-sized hole at a time

CAT ADAGE

Nudge

Nudge nudge nudge

Nudge nudge nudge nudge nudge nudge

Nudge

Your glass just shattered on the floor

Tiny boxes

Play and hide

Tiny boxes

Squeeze inside

Tiny boxes

Oozy here

Tiny boxes

Paw in ear

Tiny boxes

Stuck

STUCK

STUCK!!!

Tiny boxes

Little help?

HOLY [censored], THAT BALL CAN BOUNCE!

GET THE [deleted] OUT OF HERE,

THIS STRING IS GREAT!

SON OF A [removed], I CAN RUN SO FAST!

NO [banned] WAY, I JUST BROKE THAT PLATE!

WHAT THE [edited], DID YOU SEE ME JUMP?!

WELL [forbidden] ME, I’M CAUGHT IN A JAR

MOTHER [bleep], I SHOWED THAT LAMP!

OH [cut] NO, THERE GOES YOUR GUITAR!

UN-[denied]-BELIEVABLE,

I CAN CLIMB YOUR LEGS!

NO [blocked] LIE,

I CAN DISTRESS YOUR FLOOR!

FOR [erased] SAKES, ISN’T MY LIFE GRAND?!

SO [censored] SAD I’M A KITTEN

FOR JUST SIX MONTHS MORE!

Some of my best friends are dogs

We talk about dog things

Some of my cat friends don’t get it

We laugh at their fear

The dogs see me as one of their own

True, they don’t like it when I bark

Or play dead

Or chew their toys

Or sniff their butts

But we’re cool

Some of my best friends are dogs

I just thought you should know

I’M BLIND!

Oh wait, I’m not

I’M BLIND!

No, my vision is clear

I’M BLIND!

But now I see you

I’M BLIND!

And there you are again.

I’M BLIND!

What is going… Wait,

is that your hand over my eyes?

I think I can jump to that top shelf

I want to jump to that top shelf

I
know
I can jump to that top shelf

I am jumping to that top shelf

I missed that top shelf by a good six feet

And now everything is on the floor

And I’m left wondering

Why people even bother buying china

If it breaks so easily

In the world outside my house

The mice jump in your mouth

And birds serve themselves in butter

Rather than fly south

In the world outside my house

The sun is a laser light

Each cloud a snuggly blanket

And the doors are not shut tight

In the world outside my house

All the trees they dangle string

The flowers brush from head to tail

And the neutered cat is king

In the world outside my house

I can never go

But as an indoor cat I know these things

Because the dog does tell me so

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hahahahahahahaha

Haha Haha Ha

That dog is wearing a sweater

If my tail is curved then I am at ease

If it is tucked then do what you please

If it twitches then get out of my sight

If it is to one side then I’m free for the night

If it is fluffed then I simply can’t deal

If it swishes then it’s about to get real

If it is erect then for you I give thanks

If it is gone then I’m probably Manx

If it grabs food then you’re petting a monkey

You should probably walk away right now

You no longer jingle

You no longer roll

You no longer do anything

Since I had to see what made you work

I can’t deal with all this guilt

I can’t express my deep, deep grief

I can’t believe what a cheap piece of crap you were

Seriously, I hardly touched you before

you broke

Meow

Meow meow meow

Meow meow

Meow meow MEOW!

Well?

Why aren’t you laughing?

Sigh

I must have told the joke wrong

Did you really think

That you could hide fish in rice?

Oh, the green paste burns!

I didn’t know you had a second sofa

I didn’t know you had a second TV

I didn’t know you had a second cat

One who looks just like me

I didn’t know you had another living room

I didn’t know you decorated it just the same

I don’t like this twin cat

staring back at me

Well, two can play at that game

I don’t know why I can’t get into

that other living room

I try and try but can’t get through

I don’t know why you yell at me

not to scratch the mirror

When that twin cat is doing it, too