I Am Not Junco Omnibus: Books Four - Six (65 page)

Isten grunts a little. “Well, you’re here, Junco. So I’ll have to go with yes, your father did an amazing job.”

“Yeah, me too. I miss him.”

“If you go back, you can see him. And Tier. And Gid, and everyone else you love.”

“Not yet.”

“Junco, time is running out. You can’t hide here much longer. Seriously, there’s shit that’s got to get done. Like finishing the Halo. You never raised your Pillar, Juncs. The Halo is in stasis, which means nothing we have planned to deal with the High Order will work.”

“I’m not ready, Isten. And that’s the end of it. It’s not even been a day yet. I spent years being tortured and used, so I think I deserve a little bit of a vacation. You were a total dick about my last vacation too, and I’m still mad about that. I’d just killed myself to save the man I love, and all you could think about was weapons training. That was pretty fucked up.”

His hazel eyes search mine. “I hate the blue,” he says. And then he lifts up my hair. “And this blonde, too. It’s not you at all. I barely recognize you, Junco.”

“It’s not my fault. I have no control over this Archer shit. Believe me, I liked the old me. I liked being a skinny little shit with my ugly auburn hair and filthy hazel eyes.”

He laughs at me.

“I feel like Lucan’s daughter or something. Or Rikan’s sister. Or fuck, God forbid, Lili’s sister. Uh, how I ever liked that girl is beyond me.”

“I know,” Isten says nodding. “She’s a little kiss-ass. I never wanted her to come on that mission. Lucan’s little spy, that’s all she was.”

“I knew it! She spied for him for real?”

Isten laughs. “She is Lucan’s daughter, Junco. Rikan and Lili are his true offspring.”

Hmmmm. Interesting. “See, now why did that have to be secret?”

“Who said that was a secret? Everyone knows Lili is Lucan’s.”

I give him the stink-eye.

“Except you,” he says, smiling. And then his smile fades. “So you still love Tier?”

I nod. “Yes, why?”

“I dunno, maybe he’s not the guy for you, ya know?”

I scoff at that. “Yeah, well, I hate to disappoint you, Isten, but he
is
the guy for me. I can’t even imagine myself with someone else, to be honest. Not even Gideon. Not like that. And Gid is the only other person who could come close to a boyfriend.” I watch his expressions to see if this has something to do with jealousy. But he just reaches up and scratches the stubble on his chin. “You’re sexy too, Isten. But not sexy enough to lure me away from Tier,” I say sweetly. He laughs, but it’s clear he’s not thinking of himself right now. “What’s that about? He’s not for me?”

“Nothing, I guess. If you love him, then fine. Love him.”

“You don’t think he loves me?”

Isten squeezes me so tightly I cough. “Of course he loves you, Snowbird. Of course he does. Believe me, he’d never have done half the shit he did for you if he didn’t have it bad. I mean, shit—he disobeyed
Lucan
for you, Junco. Do you have any idea how big that is? Tier. Disobeyed. Lucan.”

“Oh, he sorta came off like a total rule-breaker to begin with. I’m not sure that’s really a big deal.”

“He does break rules, but he does not disobey orders. Not when they come from Lucan.”

“He killed all those corporate people involved with Iliana back on Earth. He was on probation.”

“That doesn’t count. No one ever told him
not
to kill people on Earth.” Isten shrugs. “It’s one thing to do things you know will be against the rules after the fact. It’s quite another to get a direct order from Lucan to kill Junco Coot and then basically flip him the bird and then bring said girl home with him, like he’s the fucking king of the universe or something. I don’t blame Lucan for letting Rache put him on trial. He deserved it. And he knew that was coming.”

“Oh.” That doesn’t make me feel good. At all. “But if he was killed, then I’d be all alone. Didn’t he care that I’d have to live on after he was dead?”

Isten waits several seconds to answer, and when he does it’s very low. Only a whisper. “Junco, that’s what love is. You did the same thing when you cut yourself open at the end of Deliverance to save Tier. He’d gladly give up his life for you, Snowbird. It would be his privilege.”

“I don’t want him to give up his life for me, Isten. If he does, I want to go with him.”

“But you’re a High Order Archer, Juncs. You can’t go.”

“It’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not fair at all. But regardless of how the saying goes, there’s nothing fair about love or war.”

“He better not leave me, Isten. He better not. If he does, I’ll cut myself in half again and again and again. Until there’s nothing left of me to cut. If I live through this and he doesn’t, then I will refuse to live. I will find a way to die, I will find a way to eliminate myself. I can’t lose any more people. You’re gonna leave me soon, and then if Tier leaves, I’ll have no one.”

“You’ll always have Lucan, Junco. He’s always gonna be there.”

“I don’t want Lucan. I want Tier.”

Isten kisses me on the head. “Junco, if anyone can find a way to live against all odds, it’s Tier. So just let it go. Let him do his job, you do your job, and then you can think about forever. After we kick some High Order ass.”

I lean into him and it takes me back to Fledge. When Isten and I were up in the observatory looking out at space and he told me about his first kill.

It was the very first time I had him to myself.

And this might be the very last.

So I lean in and enjoy his love for as long as I’ve got it.

Chapter Nine—JUNCO

We sleep a little longer and then Isten makes me get up. He’s cooking breakfast when I look out the front window and see HOUSE sitting at the end of the dock. “What’s with HOUSE?”

“She’s mad at me for leaving you.” He stops what he’s doing at the stove and looks over his shoulder at me. “For dying.”

“Well, that’s hardly fair.”

He says nothing, just goes back to cooking bacon.

“Did you die on purpose?”

“No,” he scoffs. “You think I wanted to die? To leave you and my brothers? Lucan? No. I never asked for my Destiny either, Junco. It’s just the lot I drew. And even though I could shift my fate around to meet my Destiny in my own way, I was never gonna come back from Earth.”

“So you knew that when we twined?”

“Yes. I knew. But I wanted you. I’m selfish and I’m not gonna apologize for it, so don’t wait for that moment. I’m not sorry.” He shoots me an angry look this time.

“I’m not sorry either, Isten. I love you.”

“You should go tell HOUSE that, Juncs. Because she needs to hear it. She’s got a Destiny too, and right now she’s not on board. She wants to tell you things about us. Things that will make you hate me and Tier. Make you not trust us.” He turns away from the stove and walks towards me, grasping my shoulders. “We love you. If we lose this fight with the High Order then none of this matters. But if we win, Junco, if we
win
, then there will be something for you on the other side. I promise.”

“Will it be Tier?”

He hesitates.

“Isten, please. I’m a grownup. I can take the truth. If he’s not gonna be there, please, just tell me the truth.”

“If I knew for sure, I’d say so. But I don’t know. I can’t say. Only Lucan knows that, Junco.”

I sigh and look back out at HOUSE. “What are the odds, then?” I look back at my twine and search his eyes. “That Tier and I will be together at the end?”

He just looks at me.

“Isten.”

“Not good, Junco. The odds are not good. You each have a role, he has his, you have yours. And there’s no way to know for sure that things will go one way or another.”

“But Lucan knows?”

“If it’s possible to know, then yeah,. Lucan knows. But I’m not sure it’s possible for him to know this. There’s so many variables.”

“I need to talk to him, Isten. Where is he?”

“It’s too late, Juncs. He’s already in their possession. The High Order arrived on Amelia today. That’s why Sera is impatient. They’re close, Junco. Practically here. Earth could be at war at any moment. This is it. It’s here. It’s now. And all of us have a job. Tier is in charge of Lucan, I’m in charge of you until you activate the Halo, Ashur is in charge of the war… we all have jobs. And these jobs all need to be done.”

I look out at HOUSE again. “What’s HOUSE’s job? And Sera’s?”

Isten is shrugging when I turn back. “I have no idea. They’re not alive and can’t be seen. They have Destinies because every soul has a Destiny. But how they’re connected to this, I’m just not sure.”

I turn away and walk out of the cabin. My little friend never turns. Not even when the weight of my body bounces along the old weathered wood of the dock and shakes her. I sit down next to her at the edge and slip my feet into the cool lake water. “Hi,” I say.

She doesn’t turn. “Hi.”

“Isten says you have something to talk to me about.”

She gives me a sideways glance. “What’s the point? He’s already poisoned you. You’ll always take his side. It doesn’t matter, so what’s the point?”

“I still want to know.”

And then she’s clawing her way into my lap, her little arms wrapping around me and her face pushing into my neck. “Junco, they’re using you. They’re using you. Please don’t let them do this. They’re making everything worse.” I lean into her and hug her back until she loosens her grip and relaxes against my chest. “We’re all gonna die, Junco.”

“I know, HOUSE. I know. But I’m not sure it matters then. Because if I don’t do what they want, we’ll all die anyway. So even though it sucks, and even though it’s not fair, and even though it’s sad that this is how it’s gonna end… we still have to be brave and do our best.”

“Don’t leave me, Junco. Sera says I have to stay with her and you have to go back alone. But I don’t want to stay with her, Junco.” She pulls back and cups my face with her little hands. “I’m scared,” she whispers.

I swallow down the sadness and try to put that brave face on for her sake. “I know, HOUSE. I’m scared too.”

“I don’t want you to be alone when it ends, Junco.”

“Awww, HOUSE.”

“You told Tier not to let me die alone. You told him to take care of me. And he did, Junco. He took me to Sargassum, and we went to the beach, and—”

“What?”

“—and I don’t want you to be alone at the end either. It’s not fair.”

“Tier took care of you?”

She nods. “Yes, I was very sick. He got drunk on the beach while I was swimming and making sandcastles, but then he realized I was sick and he took me back to the Sagitta Building and shot me up into the Pillar so I could bring you a message.”

“What message?” I breathe.

“He said to tell you that Gideon told you the wrong story.”

“What story?”

“He said the Magpie Bridge is real, Junco. And Aquila gets to be with the Swan Princess forever, not just one night a year.”

“He said that?”

“Yes. And he hugged me and it felt good.” She slumps against my chest and then her back hitches with her little-girl grief. “Don’t go back without me, Junco. Please.
Please
.”

I want to tell her I won’t. Just like Isten wants to tell me he won’t leave me.

But I will leave her. And Isten will leave me.

Because this has all been written already. We are nothing more than specks of dust floating out in the cosmos, being pulled by forces greater than ourselves. There is no way to escape Destiny. All we can do is try to go forward without fear and meet it with courage. On our own terms, with our heads up high, and our regrets behind us.

“Junco,” Sera says from behind me. “It’s time to go now. HOUSE needs to come with me and you need to go with Isten to raise your Pillar. It’s almost too late, Junco. And as much as I hate Lucan, he’s already in custody. We’re so close to missing our only opportunity.”

“HOUSE,” I say gently. “When Lucan asked me for his help back on Sargassum I asked him if what he wanted me to do was hard. His answer was no, it just requires accurate timing. And I told him I’d help. And the time is now.”