I Am Not Esther (13 page)

And that was it. Except that Rebecca came rushing over and not for tea either. She’d already taken Uncle Caleb his. ‘What did he want?’ she hissed at me.

I glanced at Damaris who was biting her lip and refusing to look at Rebecca. ‘Take Daniel a cup of tea,’ I said, pouring one.

‘He’ll get his own,’ she snapped, still glaring at Damaris. ‘He’s not married. Yet.’

‘Rebecca,’ I said, feeling so old that I creaked, ‘please take this to your brother. Tell him …’ What could I say to tell him? ‘Tell him my thoughts are with him and tell him to remember Zillah.’

‘Why?’ she demanded.

‘Just do it. Please.’ I must’ve sounded as bad as I felt, because she took the cup and went.

  We started washing cups and saucers. Damaris said nothing and even Kezia kept her mouth shut.

The betrothal negotiations were next on the programme.

‘Brother Caleb,’ said Old Baldy when we’d all sat down again, ‘your son, Daniel is of betrothal age. The community believes that Damaris Faithful will make him a fitting wife.’

Uncle Caleb stood up. ‘As is the custom, I ask my son Daniel to speak his mind on this betrothal.’ He sat down and motioned Daniel to come up to the front.

Beside me, Daniel got slowly to his feet. He walked down the aisle and his shoes went clunk, clunk with every step. He climbed the two steps to the stage. Stood at the side of the row of Elders’ chairs. Took a deep breath. ‘Father, brothers and sisters. I hold Damaris Faithful in high esteem. I know her to be pure in thought and deed. She upholds the Rule and she is good, kind and seemly.’

I slid a glance sideways. Apparently this was what normally happened. People were smiling and nodding, except Gideon who looked like he was about to leap up and strangle Daniel. I couldn’t see Damaris.

‘However,’ Daniel continued in such a quiet voice that we had to strain to hear it. The silence deepened with that one word. ‘However’ definitely wasn’t in the script. Uncle Caleb’s eyebrows had snapped together. ‘However, I ask to be stood down
from marriage negotiations at this point.’

‘You are of age,’ huffed Old Baldy, ‘and you have already been given the extra year. Enlighten us as to your reasons, if you please.’ His voice cut the air with slivers of sharp ice. I shivered. Beside me, Rebecca put her hands over her mouth. I saw Luke take Maggie’s hand and hold it. I wanted to hug them both.

Daniel’s face was white and pinched, but he stood there in front of all the people he’d known for all of his life and he spoke to them. ‘Brothers and sisters, you will know that my mother and my baby sister recently nearly died. Both of them nearly lost their lives.’

‘I do not see,’ said Old Baldy sharply, ‘that this has anything to do with your request. Get to the point.’

Daniel half-turned so he could look at his father and the congregation. He took a deep breath and said in a quiet, desperate voice, ‘I ask to be allowed to return to school. I ask to be given permission to study at university.’ A pause, then the final, flat request. ‘I ask the community to give me permission to become a doctor so that I may serve you all.’

Good one, Daniel! I felt like clapping and cheering. How could they say no to that? Now he could stay on with them and still be what he wanted to be. Then I noticed the shock waves rippling through the room.

Old Baldy got to his feet. He leaned on the lecturn in front of him and skewered Daniel with
his beady old eyes. ‘Request denied.’ He didn’t even pray about it. ‘You know the teaching of the Rule but I will repeat it for the benefit of any other son or daughter who may be entertaining such iniquitous thoughts: we of The Children of the Faith do not seek education beyond what the state decrees we must offer our children. To study at a university is to invite evil into your life.’ His voice thundered out. ‘It is to embrace Godlessness and to open one’s mind to unseemly sights, beliefs and teachings.’ He struck the lecturn and glared out at the congregation, particularly at the row where we sat.

‘Now,’ he snapped at Daniel, ‘you will agree to accept the hand of Damaris Faithful in marriage. You will publicly admit your transgression and we will pray to the Lord to forgive your sins and cleanse you of all iniquitous thoughts.’ He rapped on the lecturn with a knobbly knuckle. ‘We await your pledge.’

Eternity passed before anyone in that hall breathed or spoke, but at last Daniel raised his head. I watched him, longing to get up and shout or throw my arms around him.

‘I can make no pledge.’ Every ear strained to hear the whispered words. He raised his head and spoke directly to his father. ‘I can no longer stay in the Fellowship.’ Each word seemed to be forced out as if he didn’t have enough air, or his throat was clamped tight. Something.

Uncle Caleb’s face was grey with shock. Daniel dragged his eyes away and looked at Old Baldy. His voice was stronger as he said, ‘You are forcing me to break with my family. You are forcing me to leave. You forced Miriam to leave and now me.’ He dragged in a lungful of air. ‘I love them. I want to be with them, and you are making me leave …’

His words were cut off by a babble of shouting, then Damaris’s father jumped up, yelling louder than all the rest. He waved his fists in the air and strode to the front of the stage, close to Daniel. ‘The work of the devil is with us this day! I call on you, my brothers and sisters to strike at this evil before it contaminates us all!’ His face was red and ugly. He drew back his arm and punched Daniel hard on the face. The other fist slammed into his ribs so that we heard the breath hiss out of him. He fell to the ground and that great gorilla kept punching and kicking. Uncle Caleb didn’t do anything. Nobody did anything. Stop him! Somebody was shouting the words — I think it was me — but no one made the smallest move to stop him hitting Daniel and kicking him.

I leapt up. ‘No!’ I howled and the children were crying and shouting beside me. I ran to the stage, grabbed Daniel’s jacket and hauled him to the edge, kept pulling at him until he tumbled over, out of the way of those vicious fists and feet.

‘Get up!’ I tugged at him. ‘Get up! Let’s get out of here!’

He stumbled to his feet and I put my arm around him. His blood dripped onto my white blouse.

‘Leave him, girl, on pain of damnation!’ roared Old Baldy.

‘Yes, leave me,’ Daniel whispered. ‘I will be all right.’ I said nothing, just hauled his arm over my shoulders to support him.

‘You are both damned!’ A voice thundered behind me. ‘Damned and cursed. Contaminators! You are both guilty of moral pollution!’

We had nearly reached where the children sat, clinging together in shock.

Old Baldy’s voice boomed out behind us. ‘We expel you both from the Fellowship. Henceforth you are dead to us. Dead and gone.’

Maggie wailed, a high, keening wail. Just like after we’d seen Miriam. I reached out and shook her hard. ‘Maggie! Listen, we’re not dead! Look at me! Touch me! I’ll just be somewhere else, not here …’

There was a vicious shove in my back so that I tumbled forward to my knees and now it was Daniel hauling at me to pick me up. ‘Goodbye,’ he whispered to the children. ‘Take care of each other.’

Together we stumbled down the aisle that was longer than any marathon track in the world. I heard hissing and somebody actually spat onto the floor in front of us. Daniel was limping and he leaned on me. I don’t know if he was crying, but I was. Deep down inside myself where none of the hate-filled faces could see. But not for them, I wouldn’t shed a tear
for them. I caught sight of Damaris as we went. She pulled her skirt away as we passed her. My friend. She had been my friend.

Gideon balled his hands into fists and rocked on his toes.

We kept walking. There was nothing else we could do.

The door slammed shut behind us. We leaned against it for a moment. The sun was shining. That surprised me. I’d expected it to be dark outside, dark and with a full storm blowing.

‘Let’s get out of here!’ I whispered. ‘I don’t trust them a bit.’

Daniel wiped at his face — tears and blood. ‘You are right, I think.’ He shook his head carefully, testing for loose bits. ‘We had better try to run.’

‘Why? You’ve still got the car keys!’ I thought he would argue, but it seemed to settle him somehow.

‘Of course. I forgot.’ Still leaning on me, he limped to the car.

I looked back as we left the car park but the door to the Fellowship Centre stayed shut. ‘Will they be all right?’ I asked, more to myself than to him.

But he answered, sounding savage, ‘No, they will not be all right. Magdalene will grieve, Abraham and Luke will be treated more harshly in case they turn out like me, and the twins will have to do all their work and yours as well. My father will never be an Elder again.’

I cried then, tears dribbling like a leaking tap.
‘Should I go back? Just till Mum comes back?’

‘They would not accept you now. And if they did, just how long do you think you would last before you had another fit of hysterics at school?’

How did he know about that? ‘Bloody Beulah?’ I asked.

He nodded.

‘You’re right. I know you’re right. But Maggie …’

‘Be quiet, Kirby,’ he said fiercely. ‘Do not make it worse than it is. Do you imagine I have not thought about all of this? Over and over again? Do you not think that I have tried to live by the Rule? Really tried, not like you. You always knew you could not live that way. It is not as difficult for you.’

I gulped and swallowed my tears. He was right, but did he know just how bloody difficult it was? I glanced at him. The blood. The puffy eye. A rip in his jacket. Yeah. He knew.

We went to Mrs Fletcher. She took us into her house, a house warm with books and music and with paintings on the walls. Photographs on the mantlepiece. Her husband and daughter returned the car to the Place of Fellowship and she cleaned Daniel up. After she’d taken photos of the blood and bruises. ‘We may need evidence if you are to get a benefit to continue at school,’ she told him, her face grim.

I sat on her couch beside Daniel. Once again I was wearing everything I owned in the world.
Again I was a refugee.
Mum, where are you, I need you
.

Mrs Fletcher woke us in the morning. ‘Both of you are going to school today. It’ll be better to keep your minds busy.’

She’d organised another uniform for me. It was second-hand, but I didn’t have to turn the waistband over. I brushed my hair with Mrs Fletcher’s hairbrush and cleaned my teeth with the new toothbrush she gave me and as I did these things, I watched my reflection in the mirror.

‘Kirby Greenland. Good morning, Kirby Greenland,’ I muttered at it. In the bedroom, I picked up Esther’s clothes. I stood for a minute, holding them in my hands. What should I do with them? Throw them away? Put them through a shredder?

Suddenly, I decided to keep them. If ever I have children, I will show them the clothes. I will talk to them about what happened. I will not hide this part of their history.

I put the clothes on the bed.
I will, I will not
. I am Kirby, not Esther. Why, when I had fought not to change the way I spoke, was I doing it now? I shivered. Esther wasn’t going to vanish without a fight.

In the kitchen, Mrs Fletcher waved at stuff set out on the bench. ‘Help yourself.’

I grinned. Daniel would find all this casualness a bit different from home. He came in wearing jeans, T-shirt and a black eye. He held himself stiffly as if his ribs hurt.

‘The clothes fit well,’ Mrs Fletcher said. He didn’t have to wear a uniform because he was in Year 13, but I guessed he’d have been a lot happier in one.

I waved a glass of orange juice at him. ‘Who’s a cool dude, then?’

He smiled, he actually smiled. I jumped up and hugged him. ‘Sorry if that hurt, but I just wanted you to know you’re a great guy, Daniel Pilgrim.’

‘You will never know, Kirby, how much you helped me. I thank you.’

After breakfast, Mrs Fletcher hustled us into her car. ‘Come on. I’m always late. Looks like today is no exception.’ It clearly didn’t worry her.

I walked into my form room and sat waiting for Ms Chandler to call the roll. Damaris and Charity weren’t there. I wondered if they’d come. They were usually here by now. I watched the door and words beat in my head.
Damned and cursed. We expel you both from the Fellowship. Henceforth you are dead to us. Dead and gone
.

Minutes later, the two girls walked in. I stared at them. I wanted to talk to them. I needed to talk to them. They must’ve worked out beforehand what they’d do, because they didn’t hesitate, but walked to the other side of the room from where I sat.

I knew they’d do that. So why did it hurt so much?

Ms Chandler called the roll. ‘Selina Amon.’

‘Yes.’

‘Hone Atutahi.’

‘Kia ora.’

‘Avery Cardew.’

‘Yep.’

‘Charity Goodman.’

‘Present, Miss Chandler.’

Damaris was the only other kid to answer
Present, Miss Chandler.

‘Esther Pilgrim.’

‘Kirby. Call me Kirby Greenland. Please.’ I had to clear my throat and blink my eyes hard. Damaris and Charity didn’t look at me once.

Ms Chandler asked me to wait behind. ‘Are you all right, Esther, sorry — Kirby?’ She looked at me sharply.

I nodded. ‘I will be.’ I rubbed my forehead. ‘It’s all a bit weird right now. It’s kind of hard to adjust.’

‘Mrs Fletcher told me what happened,’ she said briskly. ‘In my opinion, you are exceedingly lucky.’

‘I know,’ I mumbled, ‘it’s just that …’ My voice trailed off. How could she understand?

That day was so unreal. I kept swinging between Esther and Kirby. It was almost as if now that I didn’t have to be Esther any more, I wanted to be. It made me angry.

Daniel and I bought our lunch from the canteen with money Mrs Fletcher had given us. It was the first time in his seventeen years that he had ever bought food.

I told him about Damaris and Charity. He scrunched his paper bag into a ball and lobbed it
into a bin. ‘What did you expect?’

‘I know! But it hurts. We were friends.’ I tried to explain. ‘Friends are always there for each other.’