Hunter's Moon.htm (33 page)

"Killed that man" she whispered tersely.

"Yeah. It's what I do. Your point?"

She didn't reply. She just stood there, ammonia horrified, burnt coffee angry and thick, wet betrayal. She must not have known whether or not I completed the job.

"You don't feel anything, do you? Some person is dead-lying in a gutter and you just don't give a shit!" She was more angry than I had ever seen her. Getting my temper too. A small part of me was pleased.

"He wasn't in a gutter. He was on a bed. And I really don't want to discuss this, Sue." I pushed cleaner through the barrel with a wire scrubber.

"Afraid someone will overhear? Feeling a little guilty?" Her words were sarcastic, biting.

"No." I stopped my cleaning to look at her. "The place is soundproof. If you want to blast the place, knock yourself out. But it's none of your business. It's my job; my life. I explained that."

I returned to the gun. Over and over, I scrubbed the cleaner through the barrel. Like I could clean away the sour smell of her disapproval if I just kept working.

I decided to take the bull by the horns but I kept my cool. "What's the real reason you cancelled? I know damn well it's not your mom." I didn't look at her. I already knew the answer but I wanted to hear it from her lips.

"Fine." She walked toward me and stood over me with hands on hips, "You want to know? I could never enjoy watching a play knowing that someone had lost their life."

That's what I was afraid of. She could have left her mom for the evening, but she wouldn't sit with a killer.

Goddamn it! No! No matter what bound us, it was none of her business. I'd just have to find a way to keep her out of my head during jobs— control her involvement.

I stopped cleaning and carefully placed the Thompson, cleaning rod still in the barrel, on the newspapers. The pungent smell of the chemicals gave me a headache, which was annoying. It didn't improve my mood. I stared at her and she stared back. My eyes were as angry as hers. She looked away first.

"No! Don't look away," I said harshly. "Look at me!" I paused and repeated softly but still with force, "Look at me, Sue." She did. Her gaze was both angry and pained.

"I am an assassin. I kill for a living." She looked away again.

"Look at me!" Her head snapped back. "Don't start this holier than thou shit, Sue! You sought me out because of my profession. Wanted to hire me to end your life. This is no surprise. No big secret that I've kept from you." I stood and walked toward her. She stood her ground without flinching. I wouldn't hurt her. I couldn't hurt her. The tricky part was, she knew it. It made me wonder whether I'd be able to do the job.

"When I met you I had three jobs to do. Three jobs that I had already accepted, had already been paid for. This one was a surprise. But I told you about the others." I put a hand on her shoulder. Even angry, the tingles were still there. Her gaze was on the floor. She wouldn't meet my eyes.

"Since I agreed to be your bodyguard I've had nine calls on my pager. Nine prospective jobs." I let the words sink in. "I turned all of them down." Surprise showed on her face as she glanced into my eyes.

"A bodyguard," I said, "Is a lifestyle. I guard your body. Only yours. Nobody gets near you. Nobody hurts you. I will kill for you. I will take a bullet for you."

There was tense silence for a moment. "But what about the others? You said three jobs. What about the people who are going to die—who you're going to kill? How can I live with that?"

I shrugged. "I don't know how you're going to make peace with yourself, Sue. All I know is that I have. Three people were scheduled to die. If not by my hand, then by someone else's. But understand that they will die."

I put my hands on her waist. She let me, but only just. "If it will make you feel any better, this guy was a killer. He was sent here to assassinate Carmine. Linda probably would have been eliminated, too. As for the rest, they've done enough crimes to get them life in prison. One would probably get the chair. None of them are disgruntled spouses or ex-lovers. These jobs are just business. But understand that even if they weren't, I've made commitments and I will fulfill them."

She had smelled startled when I revealed the nature of my job last night. I could feel her anger and hurt disappear in a flurry of worry about Linda and Carmine.

I tilted her chin with one hand, lifting her eyes to mine. I spoke softly, but with conviction. "I don't want to lose you over this, Sue, but my promises are important to me. Can you understand that?"

She nodded but didn't speak. She was near tears. I couldn't help that. I pulled her into my arms. Eventually, she held me back. We stayed like that for some time, while she tried to sort things out in her mind. By the time she went home, she was better. Still tense and skittish, but better.

I knew this was going to be a sticking point. A make or break. One of us would have to bend.

It wouldn't be me.

Chapter 28

The moon was nearing. I could feel it like a shadowy presence just behind the sun. From now until it's full, when I look into the vivid blue sky, I'll feel the pull. Soon, said the wolf. Soon we'll be free.

Sue had been spending more time in appointments with John since the hit the other night. She was keeping herself consciously closed off. It annoyed me that I was sorry she didn't want to be inside my head, while at the same time I didn't want to be in hers. She seemed to be more proficient at cutting the ties than I was. Maybe it's because she accepts it as real, and can therefore deal with it better.

I felt it when she left this morning. I slept in for a change, and after a slow and leisurely shower, I decided to have lunch at Nick's. John-Boy's office is on the way. As I was driving past, I got caught at the light. I noticed Sue's little green car in the parking lot. No surprise.

But as I thought about her it happened. Not like last time. This was different. I started hearing her voice as though on the radio.

I was just sitting there in traffic when suddenly the conversation was clear as a bell. It was odd because John's office is soundproof— and I was seven stories down, on the street.

I should have just driven on but I didn't. I turned into the parking lot and found a space. Then I sat there and listened. I put the newspaper that I had planned to read at lunch on the steering wheel so it looked a little more normal.

"Thanks again for seeing me, Doctor Corbin. Really. I'm sorry I'm so much trouble."

"You've said that five times now. You don't need to keep apologizing. Go ahead with what you were saying."

"I just keep going back to the fight we had. I can't seem to get past it. I don't understand why I was so angry with him. He was absolutely right. I know what he is."

John said nothing. He knows his biz.

Sue paused. "Before I met Tony my life was so… sensible. But I hated everything about it. I wanted to die. Now, I've met gangsters and their wives, strippers, killers, and detectives. Those kind of people are normal for Tony. But it's all new to me."

I got sucked inside again. I heard the smile in her voice. "I've never met anyone as wonderful as Linda. I never imagined that there could be people as twisted as Leo." I felt a wave of fear race through her. I couldn't quite smell it.

"I've been places and done things most people only read about." She stopped for a moment, lost in thought.

"Mom set up Tony, but what if it had been real? What if Mom had found evidence on something he's actually done! I know what Tony does. He would go to jail and that scares me. But a part of me believes that he should be in jail."

Well, this was interesting! I turned a page of the paper by instinct. Nobody reads a paper without moving pages.

"But another part of me agrees with him. The people would die anyway. People die every day. Why should I feel sorry for them? I really don't want Tony to change. At least I don't think I do."

She paused. "No. I don't. What he does makes him what he is. He's smart and funny and affectionate. But he can also be cold and ruthless. He's got this sense of… completeness." Her words were soft and warm. "I don't understand it, but I think I like who he is more than I like myself."

Then she stopped. Her voice sounded odd. "He told me once that I'm not really in love with him. That it's just the excitement, the constant intensity."

A part of me never really believed that.

"Is it?" asked John.

She must have shaken her head. I felt soft hair brush my neck. This is too weird. "No. He's wrong. I'm drawn to him. He's a part of me that I didn't know was missing. Does that make any sense?"

There was a moment of silence. "Sue, what you're feeling is very common. Not that Tony is common, mind you. Tony marches to music that only he hears. But your confusion between your duty to yourself and your role as a human is absolutely normal. Should you stop death or pain when you can?" I knew John. He would be shrugging about now. We'd had this discussion before.

"It's a question I've asked myself more than once. Where a person draws the line on their involvement with the rest of the world is something that each of us deals with. Some people choose to be activists. They make their role as a human more important than themselves. Other people travel the opposite direction. They let the world handle itself and concentrate only on their own lives. Neither is wrong."

Another pause. "In other circumstances I would advise someone like you not to get involved with someone like Tony… "

Gee, thanks, John. I love you too.

"But we are talking about Tony. I understand Tony. He has value. I grew up in the same world he did. He's ruthless, but he has morals. He wouldn't kill a child, for example. He has the ability to love. Most killers don't. I won't say that he can be saved because he doesn't need saving. If I thought that, or thought that locking him away would help him, I would have done it myself years ago. You need to decide whether or not you can let go of what you consider to be your role in the world and love Tony."

"I can't have it both ways, can I?"

John laughed. "Not without becoming a split personality. What Tony does for a living isn't 'right' as mankind defines it in religious writings. That's where you seem to be having the conflict. But it also isn't evil if you look at intent."

I felt it again when Sue nodded. "He doesn't wish death on others. He said that once."

"Correct. What he does has always existed. Tony wasn't kidding when he said that if he didn't do it someone else would. I know several that would like to take his job right now."

"Will he ever stop? What would he be like if he did?"

"When he gets tired of the running, and the smoke and mirrors he deals with every day, he'll stop. Tony doesn't run on adrenaline like some do. It's a job to him. Someday he'll quit. His Dad did just fine when he retired. I understand he's an upstanding citizen down in Florida." I heard Sue chuckle.

"A lot of 'upstanding citizens' throughout history were scoundrels early in their life. Can you wait Tony out? Or if he never changes, is he worth it?" There was another pause.

"I have to decide that, don't I?"

"Yes, and you can decide it. You're capable of it. Don't think about your mother or what she wants. Don't think about your sisters or their children. Don't even think about Tony. Think about Sue. What is best for you?"

"I'll think about it. I either have to accept him and love him, or… "

"Or not. But even without him, you have value. You don't need to die, Sue. You only need to find your place." I felt her accept that, believe it. It pleased me.

"But what if my place makes me a different person? What if Tony only stays with me because I'm like I am now? Will he leave me if my place is somewhere different?"

Hmm. Good one. I had to think about that for a minute. Do I only want her as she is now? Or am I trying to raise her to become a vision of I want her to be? I think it's both. Why would I be helping her get her head on straight if I wanted her to stay the way she is now? And if her place is somewhere else, then so be it. I'd already steeled my emotions to lose her anyway.

"I wish I could answer that, Sue. I don't know what's in Tony's head right now. But I can tell you how he's responded to similar situations in the past. He appreciates—even demands growth in himself and in others. He challenges his mind daily. Reads constantly. He's annoyed by stupidity and laziness. He wouldn't even put up with you unless you were bright. I think the more you grow the more supportive he'll be."

His voice changed slightly and I could imagine him shrugging. "I could be wrong, of course. I have been before."

Then he changed the subject. "But what about your meeting with your sister today? Why are you seeing her? I thought after the fight you had… "

I folded up the paper and started the car. They'd be going on for a few minutes. I'd heard what I wanted to. She was slowly healing. But I wished I hadn't gotten a knot in my gut when John suggested "without him." Shit.

I flipped on the turn signal and entered traffic. As I drove away I expected that the conversation would fade. It didn't. I couldn't seem to shake the voices. It was like they were in the car with me or talking on the radio. It was sensory input, not mental.

"You remember the fight?" Sue sounded surprised.

There was a distinctly male chuckle. "I have a good memory, Sue. Yes, I remember the fight. It was about riding lessons."

"I still can't believe her nerve! Where does Bekki get off thinking that just because I have money I should support her family for the rest of my life? It's my money. I bought the ticket. Bekki called the Lotto a waste of money. A tax on the stupid. Now suddenly she deserves to share in my fortune?" Spite and bitterness rushed through my head.

I chuckled. I could almost see her gesturing with her hands. She and Linda have that in common.

"I set up the trust, tried to be nice about it. Now that they've become nouveau riche— because of me— they suddenly 'can't live on' what the trust gives them. Bekki and Robert are set for life and I'm supposed to pay for riding lessons for Cindy and Mike? Because their new friends at the country club are laughing at them and they 'just can't afford the extra expense'? I don't understand that. How could she have the gall to even ask? Why do they feel entitled to things that I have? I just don't understand!"