Hunky Dory (5 page)

I said, “Yeah, OK.” Then there was a pause, and I said, “Well, apart from girls.”

“Oh?” Will looked at me. He seemed surprised. “I didn't know you were into them.”

I said, “I'm not.”

“So what's the problem?”

“They're giving me all this hassle!” It came bursting out of me before I could stop it. I hadn't
meant
to talk to him about girls.

Will said, “What kind of hassle?”

“I dunno! Making nuisances of themselves. Always wanting to come and sit next to you, and beaming at you, and breathing over you. They just won't leave me alone! Do you have this sort of trouble?”

Will said, “I should be so lucky!”

He sounded quite violent about it. Earnestly I assured him that I didn't
invite
girls to come and breathe over me.

“They just do it. I don't know how to stop them!”

“Yeah? Like you're so irresistible?”

I said, “N-no, I—I just seem to attract them.”

“Well, poor you,” said Will. “My heart bleeds.”

“It's giving me problems,” I said.

“So go paint yourself green, or something. Go to the joke shop and buy some boils. Stick a zit on your nose. What d'you think you are? The Incredible Hunk?”

I said, “I can't understand why they keep doing it.”

“Well, have I got news for you,” said Will. “Neither can I!”

It seems like I upset him, though I don't know how. All I wanted was a bit of advice! I don't know who else to turn to. Aaron's my best mate, but we don't really talk about things like that. In any case, he isn't any more clued up than I am. Last time we had a conversation on the subject he told me that in his opinion girls were best kept away from. He said it was his motto in life: “Leave
'em alone cos they're no good for you!” So what help he'd be, I can't imagine. Joe and Calum aren't much better. Their idea of a conversation about girls is a series of Neanderthal grunts and sniggers.

I suppose I could try the Herb. I mean, she's a girl, sort of. What I mean, she
is
a girl; just not like other girls. Least, not the ones I know. Still, she probably understands them better than me or Aaron. I think I might ask her. I can't carry on like this! I need some kind of help.

While we were having tea, Wee Scots and Mum started up a discussion about this girl they'd seen on television that they thought was disgusting. Mum said she was “shameless” and Wee Scots called her a “brazen huzzy”. I'm not sure what a brazen huzzy is, but obviously something mums and grans disapprove of.

Mum said, “So
ugly
. Why do they have to make themselves so
ugly
?” And then she turned to Will and
said, “I suppose you thought she was attractive?”

Will gave this kind of hollow laugh, like “ha ha” without any gurgle. “Why ask me?” he said. “Ask the Hunk over there. He's the expert.”

The Microdot did the curling thing with her lip. She said, “
Him?
He doesn't know the first thing! He doesn't even
like
girls.”

“Guess that's why they're all after him,” said Will.

“Och, no!” said Wee Scots. “I'd fancy him myself if I were a few years younger. He's grown into a right wee hunk!”

Dad cried, “Hunky Dory!” and he and Mum, and Wee Scots, all laughed, like Dad had said something really funny.

Afterwards, while we were doing the washing up, the Microdot said, “That was so clever! Calling you Hunky Dory.”

I said, “Why? What's clever about it?”

“Well,” she said, “hunky dory…it's an
expression
, stupid! Don't tell me you've never heard it? You've never heard
hunky dory
? I thought everyone had heard it!”

I said, “Well, I haven't, so what's it mean?”

“Means, like, OK. Everything is hunky dory. Not,” she added, “that
I
think you're particularly hunky. But Linzi does. And you just treat her
so badly
. I can't think
what she sees in you! I can't think what any of them see in you. It's not just cos you're my brother, it's cos of all these really nerdy things you do, like going off and digging your stupid hole instead of talking to Linzi. That was just
so
nerdy. It's what Dad should have called you…not Hunky Dory. Nerdy Dory! Rather dig holes than talk to a
girl
.”

This is exactly what I mean about going on. She kept at it the whole time we're washing up. On, and on, and on. Last thing she said, as we left the kitchen, “I still can't
believe
you didn't know what hunky dory means! I know what it means, and I'm only ten years old. How come I know, and not you?”

So she knew and I didn't. So what??? I know all kinds of things that she doesn't! She doesn't know that the biggest dinosaur was called an Argentinosaurus and was as tall as a six-storey building. She doesn't know that the very first dinosaurs lived 230 million years ago. She doesn't know that back in those days all the continents we have now were one huge great supercontinent called Pangea. I bet she's never even heard of Pangea!

She has absolutely
nothing
to boast about. She couldn't even tell the difference between a stegosaurus and a triceratops.

I've noticed that most girls aren't really very interested in dinosaurs; not even the Herb. It's strange. I can't understand it.

She said, “
Doodle!”
and thrust a pencil and a sheet of paper at me. I really don't know why I let her keep bullying me like this. It's a kind of blackmail. If I don't do what she wants she'll say I've got something to hide, and accuse me of being mad, and weird, and anti-social. Except that she accuses me of that anyway! It's very demeaning, being dictated to by a ten year old. I wish now that I'd told her to go and chuck herself out with the rubbish.

“Well, go on!” she said. “Don't think about it, just
doodle
.”

I tried to do something strong and manly, to show her that I wasn't intimidated by her and her nonsense, but it's very difficult when someone tells you to just doodle; you can never be sure what's going to come out.

“Let's have a look!” She snatched the paper away and sat there, frowning. “Hm,” she said, at last. “Very interesting.”

I said, “So what's it show? Does it show I'm going to come sleepwalking into your room one night and smother you with a pillow?”

She put her head on one side, considering. “Is that what
you
think it shows?”

I said, “Don't ask me! You're supposed to be the expert.”

She liked that; me calling her the expert.

“I shall have to study it,” she said. “It's not that easy. After all, I'm only ten years old. I'm still learning!”

“Yeah,” I said, “I noticed.”

“Don't worry, I'll work at it! I'll find out for you.”

“Can't wait,” I muttered.

“Would you like to know what Linzi's showed?”

I said, “No, thank you very much.” But she told me anyway.

“Showed she's really suffering. All because of you! I don't know
why
you're so against girls.”

I tried to protest that I wasn't, but before I could say anything the Microdot had gone rushing on.

“Your friend Aaron likes them OK. I saw him the other night with Sophy Timms.”

I said, “Aaron and Sophy Timms? You've gotta be joking!”

“I'm not joking, I saw them…coming out the park. That night Linzi was here and you were so horrible to her. Night you went and dug your hole.”

The night Aaron was supposed to come and help and didn't turn up. But Aaron wouldn't go out with Sophy Timms! He wouldn't go out with any girl. He was the one who said girls were no good for you. Best kept away from.

“It was when we were taking Linzi back, we drove past the park, and I saw them. We both saw them. They were holding hands. It really upset poor Linzi! I mean, considering you won't even
talk
to her. And there's your best friend actually
holding hands
?”

“Must have been someone else,” I said. “Can't have been Aaron.”

“It was, too! Ask him, if you don't believe me.
He's
not against girls!”

I really resent that. I'm not against girls! I just don't like it when they get silly. Boys don't get silly. Me and Aaron wouldn't go and sit next to a girl and start breathing over her, and beaming at her, and treading on her foot underneath the desk. I don't care what the Microdot says! Aaron wouldn't go out with Sophy Timms.

“What is so
odd
,” said the Microdot, “you don't seem to object to the Herb.”

I said, “That's different. The Herb's all right…she's as good as a boy.”

I knew at once that I'd said the wrong thing. The Microdot's eyes narrowed to slits. She can look really mean when she narrows her eyes.

“Say that again?” she said.

“Say what again?”

“What you just said! About the Herb.”

“Said she's as good as a boy,” I mumbled.

“You sexist
PIG
!”

I sidestepped, nervously, before she could swipe me. “I didn't mean anything by it! I just meant…she doesn't get silly like other girls.”

“
Silly?
” said the Microdot. “
SILLY?
” she shrieked.

“Like—you know! Giggling, and—breathing, and—”

“So now we're not supposed to
breathe
?”

“Over people. Breathing
over
people.”

“What people?”

“Well—boys,” I said. “Girls coming and breathing over boys.”

Now she was staring at me like I was some kind of lunatic. “You've been
breathed
over?”

I said, “Yes. I have.”

“By a
girl
?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, wow!” The Microdot clutched at herself in mock horror. “What a terrible experience! How did you survive? He was
breathed
over!”

“It wasn't funny,” I said.

“No,” shrieked the Microdot, “and neither are you! You are just so antisocial it's unbelievable. You ought to have an abso put on you!”

“
Asbo
,” I said. “The word is
asbo
. Antisocial behaviour order.”

“I know what it means!” screeched the Microdot.

“It's for people that go round causing vandalism.”

“You cause vandalism! You wreck people's lives! Poor Linzi can't hardly
eat
because of you. She'll fade away to nothing, and it'll be all your fault. You hate her so much you can't even be bothered to talk to her!”

I said, “I told you before, I don't hate her, I just don't
want to encourage her. I think that would be very unkind,” I said, “cos there isn't any future. And if you were really her friend you'd tell her so!”

The Microdot ignored this. She always ignores things she doesn't like or can't answer. I've noticed it before, it's a ploy of hers. It's very dishonest; she's like a politician.

“I'm going to go now,” she said, “and work out what this doodle means. When I've worked it out'”—she looked at me, coldly—“I'll let you know.”

Like I said, I can't wait.

Got hold of Aaron at school this morning and told him what the Microdot had said.

“Said she saw you coming out the park with Sophy Timms…said you was holding hands.”

Aaron's face turned a strange mottled colour. Sort of pink and white, in patches. I could see that I'd seriously embarrassed him. That anyone could think, even for a moment, that he would hold hands with Sophy Timms! I felt sorry I'd ever brought it up.

“That Microdot,” I said. “I told her it couldn't be you!”

“Yeah. Well. Thing is—” Aaron swallowed. I saw his Adam's apple bob up and down like a ping-pong ball. He's got a very scrawny neck, has Aaron. “Thing is, I did sort of go up the park with her. Helped her take her dog for a walk. It's a very big dog. Very strong. Like a cross between a German Shepherd and a Pyrenean mountain dog. Weighs more ‘n she does. I was just kind of helping her, like, control it, sort of thing. Cos she lives in our road, right? Just a few doors away. So when she asks me, could I go with her cos she's scared the dog might pull her over, I'm, like, what can I do? How can I get out of it? Not wanting to be rude, or anything.”

“Could've said you were s'pposed to be coming and helping me dig.”

“Yeah. That's right! I could've. Dunno why I didn't, really. ‘Cept…well! Fact is—” He swallowed again. I
saw his Adam's apple almost bounce right out of his throat. “I'm sort of, like, kind of going out with her!”

What???
There's this long silence. I'm in a state of shock. Totally gobsmacked.

“See, what it is—”

Aaron?
My best mate? Going out with a
girl
?

“What it is—”

Aaron,
holding hands
?

“I'm in training!” he says.

I still can't get my head round it.

“Training to be a giggle-o!”

I pull myself together and say, “What's a giggle-o?” I've never heard of a giggle-o. Aaron says it's a man that's looked after by an older woman. I think about it.

“You mean, like a mum?”

He says no, like a girlfriend. “‘Cept older. They keep you, so's you don't have to bother going out to work. I read about it in this magazine at the dentist. Reckoned it sounded like a good idea. I mean, just staying at home watching telly or playing on the computer. You know?”
He looked at me, hopefully. “Gotta be better than dragging off out to some boring office every day. Just gotta find the right girl.”

I say, “A girl that's older.”

“Yeah, yeah! They've gotta be older.”

I point out that Sophy Timms is the same age as we are.

“Nah!” Aaron shakes his head, excitedly. “She's twelve already!”

I say, “That counts as
older
?”

“Well, a few months,” says Aaron. “Gotta start somewhere! Like I said, I'm in training. But it's all right, I don't have to train every day. I'll see if I can take a bit of time off, come round and do some digging for you.”

I find this all very disturbing. Why can't things just stay the same as they've always been? Life is suddenly full of worrying complications. I can't believe that Aaron would desert me and the Herb for Sophy Timms! But it's not just Aaron, it's life in general. It's
girls
in particular.

Sheri Stringer came up to me today. (She's the one with all the hair. It's quite frightening, it springs about all
over her head like forked lightning. Some kind of secret weapon…get spiked by the hair and psszzzz!

Fried to a crisp.) Anyway, she kind of sidles up to me when I'm all by myself in the corridor and says, “Hi, Dory!” I go, “Yeah, hi.”

She asks what class I'm going to, and I say maths, to which she says, “Yuck!” I say that I actually don't mind maths, what class has she got? She says she's got PE, so now it's me going yuck. But I'm hoping she'll peel off towards the sports hall and leave me alone, cos I don't like the way she's doing that flappy thing with her eyelashes. Flip, flap. How do they
do
that?

We pass the turn off for the sports hall. I stop and say, “I thought you had PE?”

She says, “Yes. It's so gruesome! Do you like the Voice of Man?”

For a minute I can't think what she's talking about, and then I remember it's this band that Will likes and the Microdot doesn't cos she says it's sexist. Anything with the word man in it is sexist, according to the Microdot. She tries to have arguments with Will about it, but he's too mature to have arguments with a ten year old. I wish I could be that mature!

Sheri's still waiting for an answer, so I just kind of mumble at her.

“I've got their latest album,” she says. “Wanna come round some time and hear it?”

I say no, that's OK, my brother's a fan, he's bound to have it.

“It'd sound better at my place,” she says.

Why? Why does she say that? It would sound exactly the same! It doesn't make any sense.

“Well, think about it,” she says. “See ya!”

I say, “Yeah, see ya.”

Sheri goes off in the direction of the sports hall and I carry on down the corridor, where I find Aaron waiting for me outside the maths room. He has this
idiotic grin on his face.

“Saw who you were talking to,” he says.

I grunt. A grunt is supposed to discourage. It's sign language for
drop it
. But Aaron's never been one for observing the social niceties (as Big Nan calls them). He's practically jumping up and down on the spot.

“So what'd she want? Want you to go out with her? Are you going to?”

I say, “No, she didn't, and no I'm not.”

“Could do a lot worse,” says Aaron. “I mean, Sheri Stringer…” He pulls a face and starts making animal noises. I tell him to shut up.

“She just wanted me to go round her place and listen to a CD.”

“Oh, yeah?” says Aaron. “Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah!”

I give him a shove and we jostle together into the maths room and head for our usual seats. As we sit down, Aaron leans over and whispers hoarsely in my ear.

“Reckon you're on to a good thing there…she obviously fancies you!”

He says that about everyone. I'm learning not to pay too much attention to Aaron. I really don't think he knows what he's talking about.

He came round this evening to do some digging. He said he could only stay half an hour as he had to go and help Sophy Timms take her dog out again. He explained to the Herb how it was a very big dog.

“Half bulldog and half German Shepherd.”

“I thought you said half Pyrenean mountain dog?” I said.

“Yeah, well. Whatever.”

“He still has to help her take it out,” said the Herb. “Cos she's so pathetic and weak she can't manage it herself.”

“It's a very strong dog,” said Aaron. “Almost as big as she is.”

“Then she ought to have got a tiny
little
dog to go with her tiny little self. A little tiny
lap
dog,” said the Herb.

“She didn't choose it,” said Aaron. “It's her mum's.”

“Then why doesn't her mum take it out?”

Aaron said, “I dunno.”

I was about to tell the Herb that the dog thing was just a ploy. “He's training to be a giggle-o.” But before I could say it, Aaron had gone bundling on again.

“Know Sheri Stringer?” he said. “That girl in your class? I reckon she fancies old Dory!”

“
Oh?
” The Herb stopped digging and gave me this
look. This
look
. I don't know what it is about girls. If they're not flapping their eyelashes—which the Herb would never do—they're
shrivelling
you.

I told Aaron to be quiet and get on with his digging. “We've only got another few days. I haven't found as much as a trilobite!”