Hungry for Love (30 page)

And then the sirens went off.  Cops!   Finally they would haul this psycho off to jail.  The lights began swirling directly behind him and Kevin was forced to pull off to the side of the freeway.  What in blazes!  The cop hadn
’
t been chasing the SUV at all.

Kevin glared at a cop so young he looked like he should have been tucked in on a school night
,
resting up for a test in long division in the morning.  He launched into the detailed story of his near death experience but the cop looked at him without the slightest degree of believability.  His face showed no expression at all.  Then he said
,
“
You can
’
t pull across lanes of traffic and race onto the freeway like that.  It
’
s dangerous.
”

“
Dangerous
,”
said Kevin incredulously
,
“
Didn
’
t you hear what I just said
?
  I wasn
’
t planning to take the 405.  I had to veer off the road because some maniac was chasing me.  I would have ended up in a ditch between here and Sepulveda if I didn
’
t.  Black SUV—didn
’
t you see them
?
  They almost crashed into my bumper several times.
”

“
You careened right in front of me
,”
said the cop
,
with determination.

“
So you had a perfect view of that SUV—very distinctive Honda CR-V I think.  I
’
m sure I
’
ve seen them before too.  They tried to run me off the road.  It was deliberate too.  I
’
m sure of it.
”

“
Distinctive
?”
asked the cop with a knowing glance
,
“
That
’
s like the most common car on the road.  If you
’
re gonna make up an assailant at least be creative.
”

“
I
’
ll have you know I
’
m a doctor
,
not some crazy liar.  If you did your job at all you would have seen what just happened here.  And you
’
d be hauling them off to jail.  That would be you—doing your job.
”

“
This is me doing my job
,”
said the cop
,
handing Kevin back his license and a ticket.

Kevin glared at the cop. 
“
How could you see me and not see them
?”
he asked repeatedly.  Then he snatched the ticket and muttered
,
“
Tax dollars at work.
”

“
Watch your speed
,”
said the cop
,
“
And signal then change lanes slowly.
”

“
Asshole
,”
muttered Kevin
,
as he drove away
,
glancing to left and right
,
looking for that black vehicle
,
which by now was probably out there running over a toddler.  And then this underage moron in blue could give the undertaker a summons.

-
      
SEVEN –

Bill and Laura were in the final stages of party planning.  They strolled
,
side by side
,
through a cavernous party rental place
,
from which anything from the most elegant china to paper plates could be rented or bought.  There were aisles filled with a massive variety of different patterns of china
,
or stemware
,
or table linens in every possible color.  There were platters.  Even little hibachis.  And there were tables and chairs of all sizes
,
shapes
,
and designs.  There were shimmery little slipcovers to go over the chairs.  It was a world of gossamer fantasy if you were a bride and the bowels of hell if you were a groom.

Every now and then Laura would hold something up
,
a plate
,
a glass
,
a tablecloth
,
and Bill invariably nodded.  He might have felt clueless about tasks of this nature had he actually been focusing on the design aspects or the social aspects.  Instead he was talking about the past and the future. 

“
I worked so hard at the beginning.  I was never there.  JoEllen used to say I was missing stuff at home.  But what was I going to do
?
I couldn
’
t sit home and be a poet
,
could I
?
  If you
’
re going to be a doctor
,
you
’
re going to work hard
,
but your family benefits and eventually there
’
s more time.
”
  Bill sighed heavily. 
“
How was I to know there wasn
’
t going to be that time
?”

Laura shook her head and rested her hand gently on Bill
’
s shoulder. 
“
Of course you couldn
’
t know.  Nobody can fast forward through to the end of their lives like it
’
s a novel where you can read the last page.  Nobody can do that and go back to the beginning and change things.  You just do your best as you go along.
”

“
This time I said
,
okay
,
I
’
m going to be there and pay attention.  I
’
m doing nothing wrong
,
everything just right.  That
’
s why this party.  I thought it would mean something.
”

“
You can
’
t make up with Chrissy for what you missed with JoEllen
,
you know.  It doesn
’
t work that way.
”

Bill sighed. 
“
Nope.  I know.  Doesn
’
t mean I shouldn
’
t try to do better.
”

Laura stopped walking
,
stopped browsing
,
and just looked at Bill. 
“
I don
’
t think she was ever really mad at you.  Or even that she thought you weren
’
t doing your best.  She always knew what kind of man you were.
”

Bill felt a cloud of what passed for relief cross his heart.  It wasn
’
t so much that he lived with the burden of JoEllen
’
s anger
,
for she had never been an angry person.  She was a joyful person
,
and he loved that about her.  But so often he stopped to consider the past
,
to think of what he might have done differently
,
done better.  It was as though he yearned to rewrite the past so that all the time subsumed in the parenthesis of his marriage
,
that part of his life that now was over
,
due to no fault of his own
,
nor of his own choosing
,
so that that part could be made better
,
that every second of it could be shining and perfect and without the most minor of flaws and in so doing could be bigger and not be what it ultimately would become should he live a reasonably long life
,
the tiny period of time in which he was happily married to the great love of his life. 

Bill knew that he had not been a bad husband.  He knew that what he missed was the continuity of the past within the present
,
and in missing that present
,
he yearned for those moments in the past when so casually he had been elsewhere.  He had been making notes on a patient
’
s chart
,
not seeing a movie with JoEllen.  He had been reordering supplies or having a drink with a drug rep
,
instead of having an extra hour with his family.  Was he someone who took it all for granted at the time
?
  That was his fear.  He had been too cavalier
,
and he hadn
’
t cherished what was soon wrenched from him.  Maybe if he had done so with more urgency
,
maybe
,
no it was silly.  He wasn
’
t a superstitious fool.  He did not believe that he had somehow brought about the demise of his happy life through some kind of lack of appreciation.  He hadn
’
t been unappreciative; he
’
d just worked and lived his life in a normal manner.  Nor had he been uncaring or unfaithful.  JoEllen and the kids were always in his heart like a family portrait that hung within its walls.  He just wished he still had now what he had then.  And whatever he could do to make it so
,
he would do.