Humble Boy (8 page)

He claps his hands together and rubs them gleefully.

George
   I'm looking forward to this. (
He goes to go.
)

Mercy
   George – don't you think it will rain? I said to Flora that it wouldn't because she's cross, you know, at it not being sunny, but I think it might.

George
   Nothing is going to spoil this day. Where's Little Lord Fauntleroy?

Mercy
   He's getting changed.

George
   So he's going to make an effort, then?

Mercy
   Oh, I think so.

George
   He'd better keep his arse in check, or there'll be hell to pay.

Flora enters behind them. She looks immaculate.

George
   My
chérie,
look at you, I could eat you up.

Mercy
   (
a little forced
) Leave some room for my fig tart.

George
   Bunny girl.

He ignores Mercy, embraces Flora, kisses her hand. Mercy looks away, embarrassed.

Mercy
   Those black clouds are blowing over now.

Flora
   We're not going to have any upset today. We're going to be civilised. Felix has told me he's going to behave and so will you.

George
   I'm always civilised. (
He hands her the flowers.
)

Flora
   Thank you. (
She smells them. She looks momentarily troubled.
)

George
   What is it?

Mercy
   Shall I put them in a vase for you?

Flora
   Yes. And give Felix a shout, will you?

Mercy exits.

I don't know why she thought she was invited.

George
   (
intense, sexual
) Hello, bunny.

George immediately tries to steal a moment with Flora. She is evasive.

Flora
   And George, you can go and get the wine out of the fridge. Then once Rosie arrives we'll be more or less there.

George
   What is it?

Flora
   It looks like we've seen the last of summer.

George
   What's wrong, bunny?

Flora
   I just want it all to go well.

George
   It will. This is the beginning of everything for us.

Flora
   Yes. Yes.

They kiss.

You will see to the wine though?

George
   Don't worry. (
He exits singing.
)

Love is in the air, everywhere you look around

Love is in the air, every sight and every sound –

Flora smiles. She is left on her own. She looks around the garden, shivers slightly. She checks the table, moves a few things that Mercy had rearranged. Then she sees the pot of ashes.

Flora
   Oh Felix.

She is about to move it when Rosie enters and interrupts her. She puts the pot back down.

Rosie
   Hello, Mrs Humble.

Flora
   Rosie. I'm glad you could come. It's a crime we see so little of each other.

They think about it and then embrace awkwardly. Rosie hands her a bottle of wine.

Rosie
   I'm not sure if it's a very nice one.

Flora looks at the label dubiously.

Flora
   Actually I never drink Italian white. It doesn't agree with me. But I'm sure we can find a use for it.

Rosie smiles knowingly, nods. Their chat is stilted.

Take a seat. The others will be out in a minute.

Rosie doesn't sit.

Rosie
   The garden looks lovely.

Flora
   I'm worried it's going to rack and ruin.

Rosie
   The flowers smell wonderful.

Flora
   Do they? This summer I don't seem to be able to – How is the nursing?

Rosie
   I'm training to be a midwife now.

Flora
   Your father said. How lovely.

Rosie
   Yes. Although I get sick of the dads. The weeping and overwhelmed fathers. I could do without them.

Flora
   Mmm.

Rosie
   Probably because I had to go through it all on my own.

Flora
   Yes. (
She knows her name very well.
) How is…?

Rosie
   Felicity.

Flora
   Oh, yes. I should remember that.

Rosie
   She's tremendous, in a little alien kind of way. At the moment her mission in life is to part her hair in the middle, in a perfect, undeviating straight line.

Flora
   You should have brought her.

Rosie
   I don't think so. I'm still at the protective stage.

Pause.

Flora
   I would have liked to have a daughter. I was convinced mine was going to be a little Jennifer. I knitted ferociously in pink. But it turned out to be a Felix.

Rosie
   Felicity is desperate for a little brother.

Flora
   I only had one viable fallopian tube and that had to be blown through. After Felix was born, I decided to rest on my laurels. It's a funny thing, realising that you are no longer the heroine of your own life.

Rosie
   Mmm.

Flora
   (
awkward
) You must bring her round another day. Let her play in the garden.

Rosie looks at her a moment.

Rosie
   You didn't tell him that Felicity was his daughter. He didn't know.

Flora
   (
carefully
) I told him the facts as I knew them. I thought if there was something important to say, that you would say it.

Rosie
   In your infinite wisdom.

Flora
   As far as I remember, just after Felix left you seemed to have rather a lot of male friends. In any case we didn't really talk about you.

Rosie
   No, of course not. It must have been a relief. I didn't cut the mustard, did I? Oh, it doesn't matter. I'm very much of the ‘fuck you, Mrs Humble' line of thinking. It just makes all this today a little bit ironic, doesn't it?

George re-enters with the chilled wine, followed by Mercy, who has put the flowers in a vase. She places them on the table. George makes a huge fuss of Rosie.

Rosie
   Here he is. Romeo himself. Hello, Mercy.

Mercy
   Hello, dear. Don't you look pretty?

George
   She's not a looker but she's got character and I love her.

Rosie
   Thanks for that, Dad.

Mercy
   How's little Felicity?

Rosie
   She's a ball of energy.

George
   (
discreetly to Rosie
) You're feeling okay? About –

Rosie
   I'm fine.

George
   That's my girl.

Rosie
   Let's have some wine.

George
   Yes, let's get this party on the road. (
George starts to pour the wine.
)

Mercy
   Not too much for me.

Flora
   Where's Felix?

Mercy
   Oh, I gave him a shout and he says he's coming. He was just sorting out the post.

Flora
   (
bewildered
) The post?

George ushers Flora to sit.

George
   Come on. Let's not worry. He'll be down in a minute, I'm sure.

Flora and Rosie sit.

Rosie
   Sit next to me, Mercy.

Mercy
   Oh, thank you, dear.

George seats himself at the head of the table opposite Flora. The only seat left is the small gardening stool.

George
   First of all I'd like to propose a toast. Raise your glasses. To Flora and her future happiness.

As they raise and drink their glasses, Felix enters. He is wearing the suit that Mercy got him from the charity shop. It is far too small for him. His ankles and wrists are very much on display. It is, in fact, one of his father's old suits. When Flora sees him she nearly chokes on her wine. The others react strongly.

Felix
   Oh, wait for me. I don't want to miss anything. (
He snatches up a glass and raises it. It is empty.
)

George
   (
sotto voce
) Jesus Christ.

Rosie
   (
amused
) I think you ought to review your capsule wardrobe, Felix.

Mercy
   I told you it would be an odd fit.

Flora
   Where did you get that?

Felix
   From the charity shop.

Mercy
   I could take the hems up.

Flora
   (
to Felix
) How could you?

Mercy
   It won't take five minutes.

George
   What is it? Bunny, what's wrong?

Felix helps himself to a glass of wine.

Flora
   It's James's suit. He's wearing his dead father's suit.

Mercy
   Oh. Oh, dear.

Felix
   I wanted to be smart for you, Mother.

Rosie
   Come on then, give us a twirl.

Felix
   You can never be overdressed, according to my mother.

George
   Take it off.

Felix
   And also there is a deplorable lack of good, affordable millinery around these days. Isn't that right?

Flora
   Just ignore it, George. It's fine. Fine. We're going to have a pleasant day. I'm not going to get upset. It suits you, Felix. Very grunge, darling. (
She takes a sip of wine.
)

Felix
   What's on the menu?

Mercy
   Gazpacho soup.

Felix
   Yummy.

Mercy
   I've never made it before. I hope it's all right.

Felix goes and sits on the stool. He barely reaches the table.

Flora
   Please find yourself a more suitable chair.

George
   He's fine.

Felix
   Oh yes, I'm fine. Suitably low status.

George
   Come on then.

Mercy
   Let me serve it up.

Felix
   (
to Rosie, a little awkward
) How is Felicity?

Rosie
   Fine. She's at a friend's birthday party.

George
   Causing havoc, no doubt.

Mercy gets up and starts to ladle the soup out. She goes round the table.

George
   All right, bunny?

Felix
   Sorry. Point of order. Sorry. Can I just inquire about that? Call me old-fashioned but I'm afraid it troubles me. My mother being referred to, even affectionately, as a rabbit.

George
   She likes it.

Flora
   And it's very accurate, Felix.

Felix
   What?

Flora
   For a brief and rather enjoyable period in the early sixties, I was a bunny girl.

George
   Complete with fluffy tail.

Rosie
   (
under her breath
) That makes sense.

Felix
   What happened? Did you contract myxomatosis?

Flora
   No, I married your father and he brought me here to Moreton-in-the-Mud to rot my life away. The world did not begin at your conception, Felix, as troubling as that may seem … Did you say something, Rosie?

Rosie
   This looks lovely, Mrs Humble.

Flora
   Mercy made it.

Rosie
   Mmm. I must get the recipe.

Flora
   Of course I was thrillingly thin in those days. Before my son robbed me of my figure.

Mercy goes to serve Flora.

Not for me. I won't have any, thank you.

Mercy
   Oh Flora. Please.

Flora
   I'm not really hungry. I don't seem to have much of an appetite these days.

Felix
   You're anosmic.

Flora
   What?

Mercy
   Anaemic?

Felix
   Anosmic.

Rosie
   You mean anorexic.

Felix
   No. Anosmia. No sense of smell. It affects the appetite.

Flora
   What?

George
   She's not fucking anosmic.

Rosie
   Dad.

Mercy
   Perhaps it's because of the nose job.

Felix
   It's not because of the nose job.

Rosie
   You've had a nose job?

Flora
   I haven't had a nose job. I have had my nose slightly rephrased. That is all.

George
   And she's not fucking anosmic. If she was fucking anosmic, I'd be the first to know about it.