Human Conditioning (32 page)

“Aiden, please!” Lily cried as
he penetrated her deeper, her plea heightening his conviction, knowing that it
was he who was stimulating her. “Aiden!” Lily cried again, and her dam burst
wide open as she convulsed below him, calling out his name again and again as his
deep thrusts prolonged the delightful sensation of her climax and, suddenly, he
too erupted, releasing his juices inside of her.

“Lily!” he cried, stilling momentarily as he allowed the
waves of his orgasm to calm and dissolve into a feeling of euphoric fatigue,
then he released her legs and fell on top of her, wrapping his arms around her
and pulling her close, relishing in the moment he’d finally been able to call
her name.

************

“I’ve got to go,” Lily announced.

She had no idea what the time
was. They must have fallen asleep. The sun was blasting through the nets hanging
from Aiden’s bedroom window, and the morning brought with it all the
uncertainties Lily had had before their fervent love-making the night before.
Now, a pang of regret and doubt clouded her evaluation of what she had done,
and to leave and clear her head was her prevailing desire.

Aiden bolted up into a seated
position. “Stay,” he replied with urgency.

“I can’t... I’ve got to go.”

“What for?”

She swung her legs off the bed,
closed her eyes and sighed. “I can’t see you again, Aiden.”

He was at her side in an
instant. “What you saying that for?” There was a long silence whilst he stared expectantly
at her. 

Lily gulped. “I’m seeing
someone else...”

He frowned and licked dry lips.
He attempted to remain calm, but the thought of some wanker’s hands on his Lily
immediately stirred the demon within him. “Seeing someone else... well... what
the fuck is that meant to mean?
You
came to see
me
remember?”

“Don’t get angry, Aiden...”

“I ain’t getting angry. I just
wanna know what the fuck is going on here, Lils.” He stood abruptly and ran a
hand through his tousled hair. Staring down at her, trying so hard to control
his temper, he asked, “Who is it?” Lily frowned. “Who you seeing?” he pressed.

“No one you know... he’s from
college.”

“What’s his name?” he asked
indignantly, high-handedly, his fingers running back and forth over his chin.

“Tristan,” Lily whispered, her
voice small and choked.

“Excuse me?” Aiden leaned in to
her, his eyes fixated on hers, his intention to intimidate as if she was one of
his debtors.

Lily scowled up at him. “Don’t
attempt to bully me, Aiden! His name is Tristan!” she scorned. 

For a moment they both glared
at each other until a quiver of a smile rose on Aiden’s lips. He turned on his
heels and ran a hand over his mouth. “
Tristan
? Oh, come on!” he mocked,
laughing contemptuously, his arms flying up into the air. “Where’s he from,
fucking
Oxford
? I bet his dad’s a lawyer and his mum is fucking the
gardener! I bet he’s boring... is he boring?”

Aiden’s mesmerising blue eyes were alive with hilarity,
and Lily couldn’t contain her own amusement. Tristan Coleman was the son of a surgeon,
and his mother... a lawyer. Of course, on paper, she and Tristan were perfect
for one another. Her parents certainly wouldn’t disapprove – if she told them
about him – but he
was
boring and he wasn’t... well, he wasn’t Aiden.

“Stop it, Aiden.” Lily scowled
once more, but her retort had no conviction. She was suddenly smiling.

“
Tristan
?” Aiden mocked
again, shaking his head, but the reality that some other man laid claim to his
Lily was hitting him hard. He could actually feel bile rising in his throat at
the image he now formed in his mind’s eyes of another man’s hands over the body
he had enjoyed last night. When his eyes met hers, he was solemn. “You do love
me, don’t you?”

Lily closed her eyes and her
smile faded. She gulped. “It’s not fair for you to ask me that...”

“Well, you
do
,
don’t
you? I know you do. I feel it. Last night was...” he tailed off, unable as
always to articulate his true feelings. He began to bite the side of his thumb,
then ran a hand over his face for the umpteenth time.

Lily understood this to be a
sign of distress in Aiden. She remembered it vividly from the last time they
had fallen into difficultly with each other.

“Aiden... I need time to
think...”

He dropped to his knees in
front of her and ran his hands up and down her arms. “Lils? This is me, this is
us.
We belong together, you and me... you know we do. Let’s just start anew,
eh?” Lily didn’t reply. Her eyes lowered to where her fingers were frantically twisting
in her lap. “Look, just meet me again. We can talk,” he persisted. She began to
shake her head, and he took her chin and lifted her face so that their blue
eyes met. “Please Lils... you didn’t turn up out of the blue just to sleep with
me last night, did you?”

Lily sighed. The answer was,
of course, ‘no’. She’d longed to see him, to be a part of his life again, but
they were so
yin
and
yang
that she wasn’t sure they’d ever be
able to live in harmony. She didn’t articulate it. She said, “Alright, I’ll
meet you Friday, but not around here. Meet me at Highbury & Islington
underground.”

Lily had never disguised the
fact that the area Aiden had lived in all his life was disgusting to her. She
couldn’t help how uncomfortable she felt around this way; she had been brought
up with money and principles, with nice comfortable surroundings. The council
estates in all their concrete glory just intimidated her.

Aiden sensed her distaste and
attempted not to let it vex him. It
was
a shithole, and he wasn’t proud
of that, but he’d be out of there soon enough. “Alright,” he surrendered
reluctantly.

They shared an awkward peck at
the front door. Aiden leant in to deepen the kiss, but Lily stepped back. She
needed distance now. She needed to think seriously about not just what she
wanted, but what was realistic. “See you Friday,” she whispered.

Aiden nodded and opened the front
door to let her go. It took them both by surprise when Gina came storming down
the walkway in their direction. She came to an abrupt halt when she recognised
Lily and was momentarily stunned. She then slurred, “What the
fuck
are
you doing ’ere?” her lip curling with disgust.

She was a mess. She swayed on
the spot, her eyes bloodshot and stained with days-old mascara. With a
cigarette in hand, she took a long drag, and Lily noticed her fingertips and
nails were stained yellow, her hand bruised and scabbed around her knuckles. 

“For fuck’s sake, G, go do one,
will you?” Aiden snarled.

Lily was momentarily
gobsmacked by the way Gina had turned out, but then she turned to Aiden and
asked in distress, “Are you
still
seeing her?”

“It ain’t what you think...”

“
Seeing
me?” Gina scorned.
“I was going to have his baby...”

“Shut it, G!” Aiden spat.
Turning back to Lily, he pleaded, “I can explain...”

Lily laughed derisively, “You
arsehole! Don’t bother coming to see me on Friday. I won’t be there!” She
pushed him away from her and took off down the walkway.

“Lils!” he yelled after her,
but he knew it was a lost cause. He would have to deal with her another day. He
watched her take the stairs and disappear from view, then he turned to Gina.
“You
twat
! What the fuck do you want?” he sneered.

She was having trouble standing,
so she gripped hold of the balustrade for support. “I needed to see you,” she
slurred.

“What for?”

“Let me just come in for a
bit...” she wheedled. “I just need to see you...”

Aiden glared at her then
sighed, exasperated. Pushing the door open, he dragged her inside and into the
living room by her elbow and pushed her onto his couch. He then disappeared,
eventually coming back with a large vodka. “Drink...” he instructed.

Gina downed the drink in one,
without hesitation, enjoying the familiar burn of alcohol in her empty stomach.
“I miss you, Ai-den, I need you...” she slurred.

Aiden sparked up a cigarette.
“What do you want from me, G? I told you that I couldn’t be with you. I’m your
boss...
you,
my darlin’, are my employee, and employee and boss don’t
mix.”

“I’ve been working for
us
,
Aiden, so we can build a life together. If I’d had little Jimmy, we would have
been a proper family. We still can be!”

“You lost that baby, G,
six
fucking months ago, and I’m glad you did, because I wouldn’t have wanted it. It
was a stupid mistake. You told me you were on the pill!”

“I was... I forgot for a week
or so, that’s all!” She shook her head urgently. “You don’t like using
condoms... the punters have to...”

“And what about Mr Baker? Did
he use condoms when you started fucking him?” he spat.

She gulped and nodded her
head.

He held up his hand. He didn’t
want to hear any more. “When are you gonna get it into your thick head? If you
hadn’t miscarried, I would have dragged you down to the abortion clinic meself
anyway! You can’t be pregnant
and
be on the bash! How did you think you
were going to make money? Most blokes don’t wanna fuck a pregnant bird!” Gina began
to cry. His words were like a knife in her gut, but he didn’t relent. “To be
honest, love, I don’t think it’s very professional you coming round here,
fucking unannounced, like I want you here. You’re nothing special
to me,
G. You’re just the same as the other birds who earn my living...”

Aiden knelt down in front of
her and gripped her chin between his fingers. His uncaring eyes bored into her
face. “Do you fucking understand what I’m saying? I
own
you, and you do
what I tell you to do. If I tell you to fuck the tramp on the stairwell, you
fuck the tramp on the stairwell, and if you don’t, G,” he squeezed her chin
harder, his eyes narrowing as his anger flared once more, “if you don’t... I’ll
crucify you. Do you understand what I’m saying? ’Cos I’m
sick
of this
shit. There’s only one girl I want, and
you
, with your greasy hair and
fucking sour breath, just frightened her away. I didn’t choose
you over
her all those years ago, G.
I just knew you’d be dumb enough to make me
money
...”

Gina couldn’t retort. Aiden
had just destroyed her all over again. Her heart heavy, the only remedy would
be to get out of it – reach oblivion any way she could. Aiden pushed her away
and stepped over to the dresser. As if reading her mind, he pulled out a tin
and knelt back down in front of her. Opening it, he took out a small plastic
bag, a teaspoon and a syringe. Gina was sobbing before him, too wrapped up in
her own drunken stupor to notice what he was up to.

He knew he had just unravelled
the last of her self-respect. She had been a mess for months, and had got worse
after the death of Mr Baker, and he knew she’d do anything nowadays to get
through the long hours of each day. And he would need her every hour of every
day, because business was looking up.

He was really establishing
himself in the East End escorting market, with twenty-five girls on his books
already. And this little drug they called heroin, the drug he was now gently
emptying onto a teaspoon, could double that quantity and make him a mint. He
would find new recruits, get them all hooked, and they would be his for the
taking. He wouldn’t ever have to pay a wage again – life and everyone in it
didn’t mean a thing once you relied on the big ‘H’. He would pay them solely in
the drug itself. That was all they would need and, laughable as it was, that
was all they would
want
. Once he had Gina on the good stuff, he wouldn’t
have to deal with this shit anymore. As long as he promised her her daily buzz,
she would be begging to work for the extra highs.

Gina finally looked up as
Aiden prepared the needle. “I can’t do this anymore, Aiden. Without you...
without Kieran...” She began to cry. “Why did you have to take away the one
person who really cared about me?”

Aiden’s eyes shot up to hers.
“We agreed not to bring it up anymore!” he barked.

She whimpered sorrowfully. She
could see in her mind’s eye the body of Kieran Baker spread lifelessly on the
floor of his hallway, all that blood gushing from the bullet wound in his
forehead. It was an image that had plagued her dreams ever since. The walls
were suddenly closing in on her. The ground was breaking into pieces beneath
her. She felt the huge heavy void in her chest as, once again, she was reminded
that she was entirely alone. She sniffed and made to leave, though she didn’t
know where she would go. She couldn’t bear to go home and be alone once more.

Aiden interrupted her
thoughts. “I want you to take this. It’ll sort you out.”

She sank back down on the
couch. “That’s heroin,” she sniffed, wiping her nose on the sleeve of her
sweatshirt.

“Yeah. It’ll calm you down.
Then we can talk, sort things out.”

“You don’t wanna talk to me,”
she slurred, even more incoherently now that the vodka was doing its job. “You
love Lily, you always have... I should have known...” She shrugged and laughed
lightly, as if her inner thoughts were part of some private joke. But her laugh
was filled with sadness. “Maybe I have always known,” she added wistfully.

On his knees, Aiden shuffled
closer to her, took her arm and pushed up the sleeve of her sweatshirt. He
proceeded to wrap a band around her arm. She let him. She knew that she would
take the drug. She’d heard what it was like and she needed a way out of her own
destructive mind right now. She wiped her eyes with her spare hand and took a
deep breath. “Just get it over and done with. I hate needles,” she muttered.