Hubble Bubble (28 page)

‘Oh …’ she gulped giddily when the kissing had stopped and Joel had returned her feet to the ground. ‘Oh …’

Tarnia, it seemed, wasn’t even capable of an ‘oh’. Her face was a study of shock and awe.

‘Hello,’ Joel grinned the melt-down grin. ‘I’m Joel Earnshaw. Mitzi’s lover. And you must be Mrs Snepps. How nice to meet you at last. I’ve heard so much about you.’

Still dizzy, Mitzi blinked. He’d
kissed
her. And she’d kissed him. At last. And it had been the best ever kiss in the history of kissing. A million, zillion times better than Lance. Ooooh.

Tarnia, still stunned, mouthed wordlessly. It was a wonderful moment.

‘Er …’ Tarnia eventually gurgled, gazing at Joel with ill-disguised lust. ‘I haven’t heard anything about you at all. But it’s – er nice to meet you too.’ She nodded towards Mitzi, admiration battling with a million questions in her eyes. ‘What were we talking about before … before …?’

‘I’ve no idea,’ Mitzi whispered. Her lips seemed to have been collagened. They felt as though they belonged to someone else. ‘Um – it seems to have gone right out of my head.’

Tarnia, still looking unbelieving, did the post-box thing with her mouth again. ‘Mine too. Er – you must both come to supper one evening. Soon. Very soon … Mitzi, I’ll ring you.’

Joel chuckled as she teetered away from Bath and Beauty. ‘I overhead what she was saying about withdrawing her support. One of the things we were taught at college to get you out of a tight dentistry spot – always try to avert a disaster by causing a diversion.’

‘Some diversion,’ Mitzi said softly.

‘But okay?’

‘Bloody amazingly okay.’ she tried to smile but her lips were still tingling. ‘And it worked. Shame it wasn’t for real.’

‘What?’ Joel leaned closer, the lights from the village hall dancing sexily from the diamond ear-stud. ‘That kiss was as real as it gets for me. And about sodding time. Or do you mean about me being your lover? Well – we could always – bloody hell! Look at that!’

Mitzi, still floating, looked.

There was a huge schemozzle over by the stage. Tarnia and her High and Mighties were dancing around hugging and kissing and emitting little shrieks at one another. Trilby Man, the Bandings, Gwyneth and Big Ida, and The Ladies League of Light all seemed to be egging them on. Everyone else was laughing.

‘Oh dear,’ Mitzi said faintly. ‘How very fortuitous. Another diversion.’ Tarnia and her Great and Good
entourage, now looked as if they were taking part in the love-in scene from
Hair
.

Joel shook his head. ‘What the hell did you give them to eat? Sexed-up cookies?’

‘Um – not quite. I mean, I knew the Green Gowns were supposed to have – er – aphrodisiac properties. I think I may have used a touch too much saffron …’

‘Maybe,’ Joel tried to keep a straight face. ‘That’d account for the group touchy-feely bit – but why are they all slowly turning bright green?’

Chapter Nineteen

‘Then what happened?’ Biff Pippin, filling the charity shop window with glittery evening dresses in Christmassy colours, paused in draping them ham-fistedly over some Barbara Goalen-thin headless mannequins. ‘Did Tarnia have your Ma’s guts for garters?’

‘No way.’ Lu posed in front of the cheval mirror admiring herself in a 1920s cocktail frock while being buffeted by various elderly people who, having collected their pensions from the Winterbrook post office next door, were searching for warm jumpers without too much moth. ‘Mum was frantic that Tarnia would go all snippy and say they couldn’t use the hall any more. But she didn’t. She laughed about it, and her bigwigs all seemed to think it was the best fun they’d had in ages, and apparently none of them could remember a thing about the
Hair
rehearsal.’

‘There’s a mercy,’ Biff mumbled through a mouthful of pins. ‘Oooh, look at that fog out there. Getting thicker by the minute. A real pea-souper. Go on then – so Tarnia’s still okay about the Hazy Hassocks hall is she?’

‘Yeah. Tarnia actually rang Mum after the Fayre and asked for the recipe for the Green Gowns, without the face-paint effect of course, and some of the Bigwigs want Mum’s recipes too for their parties oh and Tarnia asked Mum loads of questions about Joel, then she invited them both to go to dinner or something. I think Mum said it
would all have to be after Christmas.’

‘And did they all stay – er – amorous and green for long?’

‘It wore off after a couple of hours, Tarnia said. Apparently all her cronies thought it was dead funny. You know what rich people are like – always chasing new experiences. I reckon Mum might have struck gold.’

Hedley bustled through from the back of the shop carrying a tray of tea and biscuits. He lifted it to head height as he negotiated the jumper-searching pensioners. ‘Fog’s getting thicker. Bit of a pea-souper if you ask me. Ah – that frock suits you, young Lu. Having it for the wedding are you?’

‘I wish. Nah – my bridesmaid’s dress is really normal and girlie – not bad though, considering. Actually I was wondering how much you were going to ask for this. Shay’s taking me out tonight and I’d really like to wear something new – well, newish.’

‘A fiver,’ Hedley said.

‘Done. Er – can you take it out of my wages, please? Only not this week because I’ll need all my cash for going Dutch tonight and—’

‘Have the frock on us,’ Hedley beamed. ‘You deserve it after that puppy-farming business, and me and Biff are so pleased that you’re happy with Shay.’

‘Thank you!’ Lu pirouetted across the crowded shop and kissed Hedley’s cheek. ‘You are the nicest man in the whole world – after Shay of course.’

‘Of course. And does this mean there’s going to be a second wedding for your mum to cope with in the very near future?’

‘Crikey – I hope not! Me and Shay are still doing the hearts and flowers falling in love bit. We don’t want to spoil it with mediocrities like mortgages and weddings and – dear God – babies. Mind you, Mum might be a different matter.’

‘Your mother? Remarrying?’ Hedley coughed on his digestive. ‘Well I never! You kept that quiet.’

Lu laughed. ‘So did she! She doesn’t realise it yet, but me and Doll are very hopeful. We think Joel would be perfect for her, and they’re batty about each other.’

‘Don’t see the problem then,’ Hedley caught the wayward dunked digestive with consummate skill. ‘What’s stopping ’em?’

‘Oh, stuff like she thinks she’s too old for him. His first wife didn’t want kids and Mum reckons that he probably does and that she can’t and—’

‘Lot of bollocks,’ Hedley snorted. ‘Who needs kids when they can have animals? Me and Biff have been more than happy with our menagerie, haven’t we, pet?’

Biff nodded vigorously. Pins ricocheted everywhere and two of the headless mannequins tumbled over. ‘Young Mitzi is a fine-looking woman. And intelligent and amusing and – um – well, a damn good catch for anyone. And I’d heard from Big Ida and Gwyneth and loads of other people that your mum and the young dentist were canoodling at the Fayre. He gave her a right old going over, if you gets my drift.’

‘Yuk!’ Lulu pulled a face. ‘Pul-ease!’

‘Love and sex isn’t just for them under thirty, young lady,’ Hedley said, looking beadily at Biff. ‘Where there’s life there’s hope.’

‘Well I think it’s dead romantic,’ Tammy said, leaning her elbows on the window table in Patsy’s Pantry. ‘Joel’s sex on a stick – for the crumblies, I mean. I wish my mum would get her hands on someone like him.’

‘Your mum’s been happily married to your dad for twenty-five years,’ Viv snapped.

‘Exactly,’ Tammy sighed. ‘Bor-ing.’

Doll, who still couldn’t face tea or coffee, joined in the laughter and tried to look enthusiastic about her lukewarm drinking chocolate. She felt generally great. There was still no morning sickness, no peculiar cravings, but there was something about tea and coffee that made her shudder. And
the hot flushes were so embarrassing. She kept getting really weird looks, especially on cold, damp, densely foggy days like today when she had to rush out of the surgery into the high street and unbutton her uniform.

‘Only three weeks to go ’til the wedding,’ Tammy said enviously. ‘Are you nervous?’

‘Not at all. Well, yes a bit. About forgetting Brett’s middle names or falling off my shoes going up the aisle or something like that. Not about the commitment.’

‘And are we having a hen night?’ Viv stared at her multiple reflections in Patsy’s Pantry’s selection of mirror tiles and patted a stray hair into place.

‘Oh, goodness – maybe just a drink in The Faery Glen or something. As the wedding’s so low key I can’t see the point of going over the top.’

Tammy and Viv, who had obviously been looking forward to outrageous costumes, tequila slammers, male strippers and lashings of baby oil, looked rather miffed.

‘Lunch!’ Mrs Elkins bustled up to their table pushing a trolley loaded with gooey goodies. She glared at Doll. ‘Surprised to see you in here eating my pastries. I thought you’d be out there touting your mother’s so-called home-baking.’

‘She’s managing that fine all on her own,’ Doll said happily. ‘And that’s all it is, you know. Old-fashioned country cooking. It’s not magic. It’s not witchcraft. And some of the stuff that has happened is because she’s only a beginner and may have overused some of the herbs. That’s all.’

‘So you say,’ Mrs Elkins growled. ‘There’s plenty of others in Hazy Hassocks that think your mother has stumbled on the elixir of youth and happy pills all rolled into one. They think she can make things happen with her cooking by adding – well – stuff. They can’t wait to get their hands on her buns. She’s no better than them drug dealers what hang around the Bath Road Estate. Hardened criminals most of ’em.’

Doll screamed with laughter. ‘Oh, come on! The kids selling cannabis on Bath Road are mostly from the public school in Winterbrook – that’s about as desperate as it gets. My mum isn’t hanging out on street corners promising chemical rushes to the innocents – and she’ll never be a threat to your business, believe me. I’ve tasted her stuff. It’s not a patch on yours.’

Mrs Elkins looked mollified. ‘Well that’s as maybe – it’s nice of you to say so … now who’s the double Danish?’

‘Me, please,’ Doll said. ‘I’m eating as much as possible while I can.’

‘Crawly pig,’ Viv and Tammy said in unison as Mrs Elkins and her trolley rolled away.

‘Diplomatic pig, if you don’t mind,’ Doll poked out her tongue at them.

‘It’s probably about the only good thing about having a baby,’ Tammy said, being rude with a chocolate eclair. ‘You get to eat loads. Being pregnant must be the pits. What happens to your belly button?’

‘It sticks out a lot more,’ Viv said through the squirty jam stage of her doughnut. ‘At least mine did. Why?’

Tammy lifted her uniform top. Several rings and two diamonds glistened in her navel.

‘Flipping heck! If I were you I’d keep your legs crossed until you reach The Change,’ Viv advised darkly. ‘God knows what pregnancy would do to that lot. You’d probably explode and kill the midwife with the shrapnel.’

The door swung open and Joel shouldered in from the swirling midday gloom. All the twin sets and scarves turned and devoured him with hungry pale-lashed eyes.

He grinned across at Doll’s table. ‘Ah, superb. The whole surgery staff setting a perfect example to the patients. How much sugar is there in that lot? Enough to erode the enamel on every tooth in Hazy Hassocks, and then some.’

‘Yeah, right,’ Doll pulled out another chair. ‘Sit down and shut up. What do want? The usual?’

‘A mug of sweet milky coffee, two iced buns, a custard doughnut and a meringue, please. And I bet you never spoke to my predecessor like that.’

‘Your predecessor,’ Doll informed him after she’d given the order to a now smiling Mrs Elkins, ‘was always so high on Novocain that speaking was rarely on the agenda.’

‘Whereas,’ Viv beamed at him, showing perfectly flossed molars, ‘you spend all your time getting high on Mitzi Blessing. Oh, on her little cakes I mean, of course …’

Joel laughed. ‘Oh, of course. And because I don’t want to embarrass Doll, I’m not going to expand on the shenanigans in the village hall.’

‘Bugger,’ Doll said cheerfully. ‘Anyway, Mum’s told me most of it. The kissing thing was a bit of a brainwave.’

‘What?’ Joel frowned. ‘Don’t tell me your mother still thinks I was really only causing a diversion to save the village hall for her Baby Boomers? That it was all for Tarnia’s benefit? Doesn’t she realise that the kissing thing, as you call it, was for real?’

‘No,’ Doll picked up Danish pastry crumbs with her forefinger. ‘I honestly don’t think she does. Even though the rest of Hazy Hassocks can see it spelled out in letters twenty feet high, Mum can’t.’ She looked across at Tammy and Viv who were soaking it all up like the latest instalment of their favourite soap. ‘And yes, this does seem a bit weird. Discussing my mother’s love life – but I’m not selfish enough to think she doesn’t deserve one.’

‘With me?’ Joel made a space on the table as Mrs Elkins arrived with his order.

‘Of course with you. Mad as it seems, you know I think you’re made for each other even if Mum can’t see it.’ Doll pushed her plate away with a sigh. ‘Look, if the kissing thing and public declarations don’t work, you’ll just have to find some other way to convince her, won’t you?’

Mitzi parked the car behind the bank and retrieved her handbag from the back seat. The short drive to
Winterbrook from Hazy Hassocks had been pretty scary due to the ever-thickening fog. She really hoped it wouldn’t be foggy on Christmas Eve for the wedding. She’d always pictured Doll’s big day as blue skied, clear, sunny and frosty. Fog would make everyone’s hair frizz and completely ruin the photos.

The wedding was one of the main reasons she was here in Winterbrook. In the few days since the impromptu success of the Green Gowns at the village hall, she’d finalised the wedding breakfast menu. Of the more exotic dishes on offer, the Green Gowns were now modified – less saffron and far less chlorophyll – thus providing the right amount of spark without starting an orgy, and should also mean everyone stayed flesh coloured. The Dreaming Creams had become sleekly streamlined, and the Mistletoe Kisses were, well, okay, still in prototype form. The rest of the food was easily concocted from Granny’s more basic recipes, and Otto and Boris at The Faery Glen had recently thrown in a proper wedding cake as their gift to the happy couple.