How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy (50 page)

“So do you think you’ll speak to him again?” Yillar inquired.

“Maybe,” Elskar replied, with a sly grin on her face.  She was attempting to suppress her pleasure at discovering Eric did like her after all.  Again, this was mainly because lasses just like to feel attractive, not necessarily because she specifically liked Eric.

“Where is he?” Yillar asked Hex.  “Do you think maybe he’s gone back to his hotel?”

“No, he was over at the bar,” Hex divulged, nodding over towards the bar.  Hex then couldn’t help noticing that at that exact moment Eric was at the bar snogging the fit lass that was wearing too much make-up, and a quick flash of panic appeared in his eyes.  “I mean … not the bar.  I think he said he was going to have a bit of a dance on the podium,” Hex quickly
amended, but it was too late.  Yillar and Elskar had already looked over to the bar and spotted Eric snogging the lass that was wearing too much make-up.

So that was the end of Eric and Elskar.

Eric meanwhile, was thinking … well actually he wasn’t thinking much of anything, other than, ‘Mmm, this is nice.’  That was all he generally ever thought on the rare occasions when he was snogging.  Although actually, occasionally he might think, ‘I wonder how long I have to snog her for before I can start feeling her up?’ but other than that all he ever thought was, ‘Mmm, this is nice.’

But after a while they arrived at a natural pause in the kiss and this allowed his brain a chance to think of other stuff.  And what it thought was…

Ants.

Suddenly the image of all the dead ants on his bed came into Eric’s head.  And he couldn’t help but notice the comparison with the way the last day or so of his life had gone.  ‘Hey, nature’s mad, like.  It’s totally got no intelligence, like,’ he thought to himself.  ‘You kill an ant and then all his ant mates come running to their deaths like crazy fools.  And then you give a lass the Telix-17 virus and suddenly loads of other lasses think, ‘Mmm, I quite fancy catching the Telix-17 virus as well.’  Honestly, nature’s completely got no intelligence whatsoever.’  Then he and the fit lass started snogging again, so he forgot all about ants and nature and returned once again to the subject of ‘Mmm, this is nice.’

But then at the next natural break in the kiss Eric’s thoughts returned once again to his ant analogy.  ‘It’s totally mad.  I don’t understand it.  Nature is seriously off its head, like.  Apart from all that stuff like making the peak of lasses’ attractiveness synchronised with the peak of their fertility.  And, like, making dudes feel protective towards pregnant women and stuff.  Good on nature for all that stuff, like.  Like, for the survival of the species and all that.  But, like, starting a chain reaction of death … well, it’s dropped a total big massive clanger there, like.’  Then he stared at the attractive face of whoever the lass he’d been snogging was called and added to himself, ‘But it’s a clanger I intend to take full advantage of, like.’  And then they started kissing once again.

Meanwhile Elskar was at that moment trying to prove to Eric that she wasn’t the slightest bit bothered that he was kissing another girl.  And the way she tried to prove this was by the method lasses regularly chose to pursue when they wanted to show a dude that they weren’t
even that keen on him in the first place, namely by suddenly acting all interested in another dude.

So she had started talking, and also being quite touchy in that sort of pretend friendly way when really you’re blatantly doing spadework type of a way, with the first decent looking dude she had seen.  And being a dude he had thought, ‘Get in!  I’m in here!’ and not being one to look a gift horse in the mouth he had readily returned Elskar’s flirty touchy body language, so within a matter of minutes they were snogging each other.  Which meant the Telix-17 virus had now claimed its fourth victim.

Meanwhile, Eric was still thinking, ‘Mmm, this is nice,’ but by now it was a thought that was having to share brain time with the ‘I wonder how long I have to snog her for before I can start feeling her up?’ thought.  But then at the next break in the kiss a thought entered his head which was quite a common thought for Eric to think during breaks in kisses, namely ‘I wonder where my mates are?’  So he looked over to where he had last left Kesta and Hex only to notice that they were no longer there.  So he quickly glanced around to see if he could spot them anywhere and noticed that they were at the front of the bar watching the fire skipping rope.  And he also noticed that Yillar was stood next to Hex.  And as well as this he also couldn’t help noticing that Elskar was stood next to Yillar.  And as well as noticing this he also couldn’t help noticing that Elskar was currently an unwitting tool in helping the Telix-17 virus claim its fourth victim.  Which is to say, she was snogging another dude!

Eric’s eyes widened.  Partly in shock, and partly in anger.  ‘What’s she playing at
!?’ he thought to himself.  ‘How can she do that to uz!?!”  Eric was clearly gutted.  “Like … he’s wearing a novelty souvenir t-shirt!!!  How can she do that!?!  How can she snog a dude wearing a novelty souvenir t-shirt!!!  That’s low, that.  Totally low.’

So Eric suddenly found himself with an overwhelming urge to prove to Elskar, and anyone else that was interested, that he had never really been that fussed about her in the first place.  And the way he decided to try to prove this was by the method dudes regularly chose to pursue when they wanted to show a lass that they weren’t that fussed about her in the first place, namely by suddenly acting all interested in another lass.

So he started kissing the lass that wore too much make-up once again, but this time even more enthusiastically.  Almost, you could say, a little theatrically.  And during the next break he then casually glanced over in the direction of Elskar, in a way that was meant to suggest that he hadn’t even noticed her.  Unfortunately for Eric, Elskar didn’t even notice him because she was too busy kissing the dude she had recently just met, albeit not quite as theatrically as Eric had performed his kiss.

And then unfortunately for Eric, it became obvious by the change in the lass who wore too much make-up’s body language, and also by the way she turned away from him and leaned against the bar, that she was now in the mood for an extended break.  Eric actually wasn’t too bothered about the break in kissing in itself, but he was extremely bothered about proving to Elskar that he wasn’t that fussed about her after all, so if the lass who wore too much make-up was done with snogging for the time being then that presented a problem.

But somehow Eric now found himself with a new found confidence.  ‘Well, I’ve definitely got a magic banana,’ he told himself.  A magic banana wasn’t an actual real banana.  It was simply a fictitious device that Eric, Monty and Garth referred to which meant you were going through an unfeasibly excellent period of success with lasses.  It wasn’t an actual real banana.  It was just an expression.  An expression to describe one of those rare but much sought after periods where you just seem to get opportunity after opportunity.

Truth be told, Eric had never actually owned a full-on magic banana before.  He had had a couple of spells which were better than his usual low average, but nothing intense enough to merit the term ‘magic banana.’  But the events of the last two nights suggested to him that he was now
quite possibly the proud owner of a freshly delivered magic banana.  So if the lass that wore too much make-up was all snogged out then Eric would just have to find a different lass.

“Ar, I, er … think I’m gonna quickly nip back to my room,” he announced.  “Just cos my eye’s really sore so I think I might give it a quick rinse with my eye drops.”  Strictly speaking this wasn’t entirely true.  In fact it was a complete lie.  Basically, what Eric was planning on doing was giving the lass with too much make-up the slip so he could find some other lass to try it on with.  “Are you just gonna be hanging around here, are you?” Eric asked.

“I might as well come with you,” the fit lass with too much make-up replied.

‘Man!’ Eric thought to himself.  ‘That spoils my plans.’  “Ar, it’s alright.  I’ll only be a couple of minutes if you’d rather just wait here,” he suggested.

“Actually I think I’d rather go with you to your room, rather than just wait here on my own,” the fit lass with too much make-up responded.

‘Man, how can I shake her off?’ Eric thought to himself.

But then just in the nick of time he had a realisation.  ‘Hang on a sec!  A fit lass that I’ve just been hornily snogging is wanting to come back to my room with uz and I’m trying to shake her off!?’  Eric suddenly realised that this was perhaps quite possibly the most foolish course of action he had ever attempted to pursue in his entire life.  ‘Like … eh!?!  What are you doing, man, Eric?  You complete chump!’

“Ar, right … aye.  Well I’m just staying at the Sunny Heaven Beach Resort so it’s just up the alleyway,” he remarked, and he was about to lead the way when he noticed that Elskar still wasn’t looking in his direction.  By now she had stopped snogging the dude in the novelty t-shirt, but she was facing towards the beach and therefore couldn’t see Eric.  “Ar, but hang on, though.  I totally love this tune so do you mind if we just wait until the next song before we go?” he requested.  The tune that was currently playing was ‘Connect’ by Kel Minky, the recent winner of this year’s Star Maker show, and in actual fact Eric couldn’t stand the song.  However, he didn’t want to leave the club until Elskar was looking in his direction so that she would see him heading off towards his hotel room accompanied by a fit lass.  So that was why Eric pretended to be a fan of ‘Connect.’  It was totally childish but Eric was very comfortable being childish.

“Yeah, I like this tune as well,” the fit lass who wore too much make-up agreed, and she started dancing with him.  So Eric danced even closer so that they were sort of half-dancing and half-cuddling.  ‘This is the perfect ergonomical position to prove to Elskar that I’m totally not fussed about her,’ he thought to himself.

Then by the time it got to the second chorus Eric noticed Elskar casually glancing in his direction.  She was clearly trying to look as if she was just glancing about in general, but in reality she was obviously keeping tabs on Eric.  So Eric seized his chance.  “Ar actually, my eye’s getting even sorer now, so can we just go now?”  And he took the hand of the fit lass that wore too much make-up and led her out of the club towards his hotel, sneakily watched by Elskar.

A smug grin appeared on Eric’s face.  ‘That’ll teach Sveltish Indie Chick to go in the huff with uz over something so totally trivial and insignificant that I don’t even know what it is, and then expect uz to be a mind-reader and just magically know what I’ve done, even though whatever I’ve done is completely minor and unimportant,’ he thought to himself.

He turned his head to the side and looked at the fit lass with too much make-up.  She was smiling as well, although perhaps for different reasons.

And so, as the tune ‘Connect’ played in the background, the pair of them walked happily back to Eric’s room, smiling.

There was one occasion a few years ago when Eric and Monty had gone to see a wet t-shirt competition and after the contest Monty had remarked that he wasn’t really that great a fan of wet t-shirt competitions because they always left him feeling unsatisfied.  Eric had joked that even a five day orgy with four fit Swedish lasses wouldn’t leave him feeling satisfied.  In Eric’s opinion a lack of satisfaction was always going to be the inevitable consequence of horniness without love attached.

He had half said it in jest, but now he was starting to suspect his jokey comment contained a strong element of truth.  Because he had just achieved two in two
[93]
for the first time in his life and yet he still wasn’t satisfied.  All he could think of was that this was the perfect opportunity to go for
three
in two.  And two in one for that matter.

‘Flip!  I’ve done one of my ambitions!’ he thought to himself.  ‘Two in two!  Yes!  Back of the net!’  He smiled a smug smile to himself.  ‘And the way things are going I could probably even do
three
in two if I head back down the beach quickly.’

But first he had to shake off the lass that wore too much make-up.  “What’s your name by the way?” he asked her.

“Darbie,” the lass with too much make-up, who Eric had now discovered was called Darbie, revealed.

“Ar, right.  I’m Eric,” Eric replied.  He was about to say ‘nice to meet you’ but thought that might be a bit inappropriate given the circumstances, so he moved straight onto his strategy of trying to shake her off.  “I’m probably gonna head off back down the beach soon to catch the last hour, like.  Do you fancy coming or are you heading off?”

However, Darbie had an alternative suggestion.  “Would you not rather stay here and do something else?” she suggested.

“What like?” Eric inquired.

Darbie answered Eric’s question with actions rather than words, and it was an answer that greatly appealed to Eric.  Truth be told, it was a suggestion that followed a very similar format to what they had just spent the last hour doing, but Eric quickly concluded that certain forms of repetition could be very appealing.  And this was one such example.  So much so in fact, that he quickly decided that going for three in two was a stupid idea.  After all, judging by the form he was in there was every chance he could make it three in three the following night, which was almost as good as three in two.  ‘Yeah … best not be greedy,’ he told himself, although truth be told, Darbie’s actions were a significant contributing factor to his lack of greed.