How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy (5 page)

He then had a rather scary thought.  “Ar, shit!” he exclaimed.  “Ar, man!”  In fact it was an
extremely
scary thought.  “Ar, nar.  That means you’re gonna do an anal probe on uz, doesn’t it?  Ar, gutter.”  He looked pretty worried at this point.

“Eh?”
Jixyl replied, looking as baffled as Eric did scared.  “An anal probe?  Like, as in … sticking things up your bum and stuff?”

“Aye.  Ar … I mean, like, nar!  No way!  You’re definitely not doing an anal probe on uz, like,” Eric protested.  “I don’t mean ‘aye’ as in ‘go ahead, mess with my bum.’  I mean ‘aye’ as in ‘that’s what aliens do,’ but you’re definitely not doing an anal probe on me, like.”  He stared an aggressive stare at Jixyl.  “Look what I did to Azleev before.  And I promise you, I can beat you up a lot worse than that, like, if you get any anal probe related ideas in your head.”  He was starting to panic and by now had instinctively adopted a fighting stance.

Jixyl and Azleev glanced at each other with extremely baffled expressions on their faces.  “Eh?  An anal probe?” Azleev questioned, shaking his head.

“Are you sick or
something?” Jixyl added.  “Why would we want to mess about with your bum?”

“Well that’s just what aliens do
,” Eric shrugged.

“Course we don’t!!  You cheeky git!!” Jixyl exclaimed.  “Why would we wanna mess about with your bum?  That’s a proper insult, that, like.”

“Ar, well good that you think that way, like,” Eric replied, feeling slightly relieved that the aliens didn’t seem particularly attracted by the thought of an anal probe, but he still held a bit of scepticism as to whether to trust them or not.  “But if this is a bluff and you’re really just pretending that you’re not into anal probes, when secretly you really are, then I promise you I’ll totally kick off big style, like.  I don’t care what clever hi-tech gadgets you’ve got.  I swear down … I can totally look after myself, like.”

“Look, man.  Calm down, you daft fool,” Jixyl
remarked.  “I promise you, man … we’ve got no intentions of doing an anal probe on you.  Why would we fly halfway across the galaxy to visit a different civilisation, and then when we get here, like, we go, ‘Hmm, how shall we interact with this new civilisation?  I know!  We’ll stick things up their bum!’  You’re proper mental, you, man.”

“Yeah, I promise you … Jixyl’s absolutely right there,” Azleev agreed.  “You don’t travel
billions of miles just to stick things up people’s bums.”

“Well you flew
billions of miles to wear fake alien masks and scaly gloves and scare the crap out of uz, like ... just for a trick.  And that’s no more stupid than doing an anal probe,” Eric argued.

Jixyl and Azleev looked at each other.  They had to admit that Eric had a point.  “Aye but playing a funny gag is different,” Jixyl defended.  “And anyway, it’s The Nivlax Festival.  That’s what you do during The Nivlax Festival.  You fly to other planets and play funny tricks on people.”

“Well how do I know you don’t have a festival of anal probes?” Eric inquired.

“Look, man!  We’re not the slightest bit interested in any anal-related activities, man,” Jixyl insisted.  “What’s put that idea in your head, like?  I mean, how come you’re so convinced that we’re some sort of sick bum freaks?”

“Well that’s just what aliens do?” Eric explained.  “Like, in movies and stuff.”

“Eh?  That’s mad, that, like,” Jixyl mused, shaking his head.  “Why would you make a movie about aliens that do anal probes?”

“So have you got lots of movies about anal probing aliens, then?” Azleev quizzed.

“Well…”  Eric racked his brains and realised that he couldn’t actually think of any actual
movies about aliens with a leaning towards rectal exploration.  “Em…”  The only reference he could think of for anal probing aliens was South Park. “Actually it might not be movies that I’m thinking of,” he admitted.  “There’s a cartoon though, called South Park, where there’s these aliens that come down and give Cartman an anal probe.”  He felt a little less panicky now that he had realised the source of his fears probably wasn’t the most factually reliable source.  “But now that I think about it, South Park might not be the most accurate reference tool for alien behaviour,” he admitted.

“Aye well I can promise you it’s totally
in
accurate,” Jixyl protested.

“Trust us.  We’re just here for The Nivlax Festival,” Azleev responded.

“So for this Nivlax Festival you’re saying you fly halfway across the galaxy to play tricks on people?” Eric asked.

“Amongst other things,” Azleev replied.  “But there’s a bit more to it than that.”

“Such as?” Eric inquired.

And so Jixyl and Azleev began to tell Eric all about The Nivlax Festival…

A few hours earlier:

Earth,

Newcastle Upon Tyne,

Outside the chippy on Chilli Road…

“I’ve still got his number,” Lisa remarked to her friend Natalie.  “I just don’t think it’s a good idea for you to ring him.  It’s been a few weeks now.  You should move on.  You can do better than him.  That’s why you deleted his number in the first place.”

“Ar, yeah.  I know.  I
have
moved on,” Natalie lied.  “It’s just that it’s his mam’s birthday next week and I want to get her a present, so I was just gonna ask him for ideas on what to get her.”

Jixyl nudged his friend Azleev.  “I sense a phone prank coming on,” he whispered, nodding over in the direction of Lisa and Natalie.

“Ar, not another phone prank,” Azleev whinged.

“Just to get the ball rolling,” Jixyl replied.  “And keep your voice down.  We don’t want to give the game away.”

Lisa wasn’t totally convinced by her friend’s explanation as to why she required her ex-boyfriend’s mobile number but felt awkward refusing her request.  “Well as long as you promise to delete it again once you’ve asked him what to buy for his mam’s birthday,” she bargained.

“Ar, yeah.  Definitely,” Natalie agreed.

“What’s your bluetooth name then and I’ll bluetooth you his business card,” Lisa requested.

“Hot Girl 9
3,” Natalie replied.

Jixyl rapidly, and as discreetly as possible, pressed a few buttons on his mobile phone.

“Right, I’m sending it now,” Lisa announced.  “Make sure you delete it, though, after you’ve used it.”

“Yeah, of course,” Natalie agreed.  “Don’t worry.  I’m totally over him.  I just want to get his mam a nice birthday present.”

Jixyl nodded to Azleev and then the pair of them hurried around the corner.

“Did you get it, then?” Azleev asked.

“Aye, jacked it no bother,” Jixyl bragged.  “She’s got my number instead of her ex’s.  This should be a laugh.”

“What’re you gonna do, like?” Azleev inquired.

“I think I’ll just see what sort of message she leaves first before I decide how to reply,” Jixyl remarked.

He only had to wait a couple of minutes before Natalie made her first call.  After a few rings a voice informed Natalie that Vince, her ex-boyfriend, was unable to take her call at the moment and she should leave a message on his voice-mail after the tone:

“Hi Vince, it’s Natalie.  I just thought I’d give you a ring to see how things are going.  And maybe I thought it might be nice to meet up some time just to catch up on things and see how we’re both doing.

Anyway, just give uz a call back when you get a chance.  Bye.”

“Hmm, there was a suspicious lack of mention of his mam’s birthday present,” Jixyl observed.

“Yeah, I noticed that as well,” Azleev agreed.

“I have to give her credit, though.  She played it very cool,” Jixyl praised.

“What reply are you gonna send, then?” Azleev inquired.

“I might wait until she leaves a couple more messages before I get round to replying,” Jixyl revealed.

“It’ll be cruel to leave her hanging on
too
long,” Azleev remarked.

“The crueller the better,” Jixyl contended.  “The more upset she gets the more chance there is that she’ll start swearing.”

“Anyway, do you fancy doing the taxidermist prank next?” Azleev suggested.

“Ar, that always takes too much effort,” Jixyl moaned.  “I’m in the mood for another phone prank now.”

“Just one more then,” Azleev begrudgingly agreed, “and then we move on to some real pranks.”

And so, Natalie spent the next few minutes glancing hopefully at her mobile phone, without her hopes being fulfilled.  And meanwhile Jixyl spent those same few minutes readying his next prank…

A few minutes later the phone in the home of Sydney Rice, a local resident in that area, began ringing.

‘That’ll be Horace,’ Sydney thought to himself as he strolled towards the phone.  As you can probably deduce, Sydney was expecting a call from Horace.

“Hello,” Sydney greeted as he picked up the receiver.

To his surprise it wasn’t Horace’s voice that greeted him.  Instead it was a robotic monotone voice:

“Hello and welcome to the adult chat-line for horny robots.  Thank you for choosing this service.”

‘Eh?  Horny robots?  What’s this?’ Sydney thought to himself.  ‘I didn’t choose any horny robot adult chat-lines.’  Curiosity, however, got the better of him and he continued listening.

“Oh! Oh!  Wiggle my joystick,”
the robotic monotone voice pronounced.  A confused look appeared on Sydney’s face.

“Yeah!  That’s it, baby,”
the robotic monotone voice continued. 
“Push my buttons.  Turn me on.”

The confusion transformed into a wry smile as Sydney smirked at the absurdity of an apparent adult chat-line catering for horny robots.

“Oh! Oh!  Sizzle my circuitry,”
the robotic monotone voice encouraged. 
“Interface with me, baby.  Harder!  Harder!”

The robotic monotone voice only made the whole thing even more absurd.  ‘This is crazy,’ Sydney chortled to himself.

“Thank you for calling the robot adult chat-line,”
the robotic monotone voice then concluded. 
“This and all subsequent calls charged at £7.99 per minute…”

This was the point where Sydney’s amusement rapidly disappeared and was quickly replaced by extreme anger.  “Seven ninety nine per minute!!!” he shrieked.  “They can fuck right off!”

Meanwhile, outside Sydney’s house Jixyl and Azleev had jacked into Sydney’s phone and were currently eavesdropping on his horny robot adult chat-line message via their mobile phones.  “Yes!  That’s the first one!” Jixyl exclaimed.

“Shh!  Shh!  Keep listening,” Azleev instructed.  “I need to be ready for the next bit.”

“You may unsubscribe from this service at any time via our website…”
the robotic monotone voice meanwhile revealed.  Sydney’s mood improved slightly on hearing this news. 
“Double you, double you, double you, dot…”

At this point the line suddenly went crackly.  “Fuck!  What did it say?” Sydney exclaimed.

“…dot com,”
the robotic monotone voice concluded, as the crackle subsided.

“Ar, fuck!  I didn’t hear what it said!” Sydney screeched, angrily.

“Or by calling the following number…”
  Sydney suddenly went quiet again.
“Zero seven eight…” 
And then the line suddenly went dead as all Sydney could hear was a loud ‘Dooooooooo…’ tone.

Sydney slammed the receiver against his leg in frustration.  “Fuck!  How do I unsubscribe!?!!” he exclaimed.  “Fuck!  I didn’t hear the number!  Ar, what a fucking con!”

Outside Sydney’s house Jixyl was laughing away to himself.  “Well I think it’s safe to say that’s one down, two to go,” he remarked.

“Shh!  He’s calling someone else,” Azleev pointed out.  “Shh, I wanna hear this.”

Sydney had dug out his latest phone bill and was presently calling the telephone company’s pricing enquiries helpline.

After hearing various recorded voices giving him a variety of options and assuring him how important his call was to them, Sydney eventually ended up with a choice of three options, neither of which was relevant to his complaint.

So he tried again.  But not surprisingly he once again discovered that ‘If you have been the victim of a horny robot adult chat-line scam…’ wasn’t one of the available options.  However, at the third attempt he eventually managed to get through to a real person.

“Yes, I’d like to make a complaint about a message I’ve just received,” he remarked.

“Okay, if you could just give me your name and number,” the telephone operator instructed.  Sydney did as requested.  “And what exactly is your complaint?”

“That I’ve just received a message from a horny robot adult chat-line which costs £7.99 per minute,” Sydney explained, “and I didn’t request that message.”

“A horny robot adult chat-line?” the operator questioned, sounding quite taken aback.