How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy (21 page)

“Aye cheers, but we’re not
just
doing it out of kindness,” Jixyl pointed out.  “Obviously that’s the
main
reason … like, to save all humans and hopefully carrots as well is the main reason we’re helping you, but we’re also doing it cos the Femlings are total snides, like.  There’s potential self-interest involved as well.  We can’t just let them go round the universe killing anyone whose quality of life doesn’t meet with their unfeasibly high standards.”

“Ar, aye,” Eric agreed.  “I’m the same.  I’m mainly bothered about saving mankind, but I’m also slightly doing this to spite the Femlings.  Cos like you say, they’re total snides, like.”

Eric suddenly realised that he had become distracted somewhat from his intended goal of breaking the bad news to Jixyl about his unfaithful girlfriend.

“Aye, well anyway … yous have been excellent, like,” Eric repeated.  “And I totally appreciate it.”

“No worries,” Jixyl replied.

Eric decided that this was the time to get the subject of the conversation back on track.  “But, er … I’ve just remembered I had to, er … tell you something which you might probably think is a little bit bad news,” Eric stuttered.

“Bad news?” Jixyl inquired.  “Like what?”

At this point the first two contestants emerged into the mud wrestling pool to be introduced by the host for the night.

“Ar, well … actually it’s not that important really,” Eric suddenly reconsidered.  The scantiness of the two contestants’ bikinis was possibly a key factor in Eric deciding that discussing Jixyl’s unfaithful girlfriend wasn’t as urgent as he had previously considered.  “I can tell you later if you want.”

“Nar, howay.  What is it?” Jixyl persisted.

Eric’s attention, however, was firmly focussed on the forthcoming wrestling.  “Before we get things started,” the host announced, “these girls are gonna get really dirty tonight, so we’re gonna need a couple of towel boys to rub these girls down and clean them up after each round.  Do we have any volunteers?”

Eric thrust his arm up.

Jixyl nudged his arm.  “What were you saying about bad news?” he asked.

“Huh?” Eric grunted.

“You, sir.  You look like a suitable candidate,” the host announced, pointing at a member of the audience at the opposite side of the wrestling pool to Eric.

Eric thrust his arm even higher.

“Eric, man.  What were you saying about bad news?” Jixyl urged.

“Ar … just that I’ve noticed that dude over there ordered a chicken platter as well and he didn’t get any chips with it,” Eric lied.  Jixyl looked slightly bamboozled by Eric’s rather strange opinion of what constituted bad news.  “Gutter, eh?  I could just fancy some chips.”

“And you, sir,” the host announced, this time pointing at Eric.

“Yes!  Get in!” Eric exclaimed.

“I think he was pointing at me, like,” Jixyl protested.

“Well it’s probably best that you don’t get up in case anyone
notices your fake extra finger attachments
[39]
,” Eric argued, although the true motivation for his comment was probably more hormone related, even though his comment nevertheless made good sense.

“Yeah, Eric
’s right,” Azleev agreed.

Eric made his way towards the host who then assigned him to one of the contestants whose name was Annabel.  The host then explained the rules to the audience.

“Each wrestling match consists of three rounds and the girls need two points for a victory.  You get one point for a pin down or one point if you manage to pop your opponent’s boobs out of her bikini.  However, it’s up to the crowd to shout out and tell me whenever a boob pops out, so make sure you pay close attention to the girls’ boobs.”  The expressions on the faces of most men in the audience seemed to indicate that they considered this to be a fair request.

Eric, however, had a theory regarding the audience’s likelihood to go along with this instruction.  “If I was you, like, I wouldn’t try
to get the other lass’s baps out, like,” he advised.  “Cos if a bap pops out no dudes are gonna say anything.  That’d just mean the judge would award you a point and pause the wrestling, and that’d give her a chance to put her baps back in again.  Trust uz, every dude’ll just keep quiet if a bap pops out so that they can all have a good stare.  Trust uz, go for the pin down.  That’s the way to win.”

“I’m not really that serious about it,” Annabel smiled.  “It’s just a bit of a laugh.”

“Ar, yeah,” Eric agreed.  “But I’m just saying … like, that would be my strategy if I was competing.”  This was a blatant lie, however.  If Eric had been wrestling the other extremely fit lass (whose name was Crystal) his strategy would most definitely not have been to avoid getting her baps out.

“I’ll just see what happens,” Annabel shrugged.

“Aye, but you might as well try and win, like,” Eric insisted.  “And the pin down’s definitely the best strategy.” Even in moment’s of perviness Eric couldn’t contain his competitive spirit.

Meanwhile, Jixyl and Azleev were discussing Eric.  “He doesn’t seem quite as pervy as I was expecting,” Jixyl mused.  “You’d expect him to be having the odd sly glance at her baps, but he seems to actually be talking to her face.”

“Maybe he respects women as individuals and can see beyond Annabel’s physical attractiveness to the inner beauty beneath,” Azleev proposed.  A few seconds later both he and Jixyl burst out into laughter.

“Haaarrrrr,” Jixyl chuckled, as he let out a post-laughter sigh.  “Seriously, though.  It could be a worry if he’s not the perv we thought he was.”

“Don’t worry,” Azleev reassured.  “I’m sure it’s just an act.  He’ll just be acting all interested in Annabel’s conversation to try to come across as sincere and genuine.  It’s a perfectly natural reaction for any sly, devious perv that’s got half a brain.  That’s all it’ll be.”

“Aye, you’re probably right,” Jixyl agreed.

At that moment the host requested the two wrestlers to step towards the middle of the wrestling pool.  As Annabel turned her back on Eric and stepped into the pool, Eric took the most of the opportunity to examine Annabel’s figure, paying particular attention to her skimpily covered bum.

“What did I tell you?” Azleev gloated.  “He’s not sincere.  He’s just subtle and sly and devious.”

Jixyl smirked.  “Panic over,” he replied.

Annabel and Crystal began grappling and before long Crystal had managed to remove Annabel’s b
aps from her bikini.  She relaxed expecting a point to be awarded, but as Eric had predicted no-one in the crowd made any attempt to inform the judge of this bap slippage.  Instead they all just had a good old stare.

Annabel took advantage of Crystal’s complacency and in the space of a couple of seconds had tripped her over onto her back then pinned her down.  The host rang the bell and awarded a point to Annabel, who then proceeded to rehouse her b
aps in her bikini.

Crystal didn’t seem too happy about this apparent injustice and raised her complaint with the host.

“Just to reiterate,” the host explained, addressing the crowd.  “You guys have to shout out and tell me whenever a boob pops out.”  He then addressed Crystal.  “I can’t be held responsible if the crowd don’t spot a stray boob.”  Crystal looked quite miffed by this explanation and stormed back to her corner.  “And just to clarify gentlemen,” the host announced, “in the event of a tie it’s down to you guys to decide the winner.  Whichever girl gets the biggest cheer is the winner.”

“Class!” Eric exclaimed.  “If it’s a draw that means you’ll definitely get the biggest cheer cos you’ve had your b
aps out.  All you need to do now is play defensive for the next two rounds and the fight’s yours.”

“I’ve got mud in my eye,” Annabel remarked.

“Ar, aye.  Soz,” Eric replied, suddenly remembering that his official duty was that of towel boy and not ring-side coach.  He delicately wiped the mud out of Annabel’s eye.  “Is that better?” he asked.

Annabel grasped the towel and gave her eye a more sturdy rub.  “Ow.  It’s really stinging,” she announced, blinking.

Eric noticed that his opposite towel boy was rubbing the thick of the mud off Crystal.  “Do you want anywhere else rubbed?” Eric generously offered.

“Go on then,” Annabel replied, spreading her arms.  Sadly for Eric though, she also shuffled around on her toes so that she was now facing away from him.  Eric was happy to rub her back but he would rather have rubbed her baps.

The host called for the girls to get ready for round two.  “Remember, go defensive,” Eric advised.

Annabel giggled and nodded.  She found Eric’s desire to see her win rather funny, but also quite flattering.

Round two, however, followed a much different pattern to round one.  Crystal, it turned out, shared Eric’s competitive nature and was still feeling quite annoyed about being cheated out of what she felt was a perfectly legitimate point.  Technically speaking, the judge had followed the letter of the law in his interpretation of the rules, but Crystal wasn’t bothered about the letter of the law.  Her only concern at this moment in time was righting the injustice that had been perpetrated in the first round.

So with this in mind, as soon as the bell rang she grabbed Annabel aggressively and flung her head first out of the pool.  Annabel landed face first on the hard tiled floor surrounding the wrestling pool, then got up to her knees and rubbed her forehead, swaying as she did so.

Eric dashed over with a towel and asked Annabel if she was okay.

“Ow, my head,” she replied.

Eric turned to Crystal.  “Hey, man!  What’re you doing?!  It’s just meant to be a bit of fun, man,” he exclaimed, appearing to sharply change his tune.  In his defence though, whilst he had always been a naturally competitive person, he nevertheless generally restrained his competitiveness to within the rules of the game and the boundaries of common sense.  In his opinion Crystal had definitely crossed both of these lines.

The host agreed with Eric and in
structed Crystal to calm things down or he would have to award a point against her.  As it turned out though, Annabel had had enough of wrestling for one day and decided to retire.  Eric had a brief argument with the host that Crystal had won by cheating and that you can’t have a cheat benefiting from cheating, so technically she should be disqualified.  The host though, seemed to think that the idea behind bikini mud wrestling was that it was all about a load of guys having a good perv and that Eric was missing the point.  Not surprisingly, this left Eric feeling quite annoyed at the host’s lackadaisical approach to fairness and justice.

“Hey, he’s a proper idiot, him, like,” he
exclaimed, as he walked Annabel back to the changing rooms.

“Thanks anyway,” Annabel replied.

“What’s the point of having a competition if you’re just gonna let people cheat?” Eric asked, rhetorically.  “It’s completely stupid.”

“I don’t mind,” Annabel replied, smiling.  “It was just a bit of fun
in any case.”

“Aye, but that’s not the point,” Eric insisted.  “Even if it’s a friendly football match the ref still applies the rules.  You wouldn’t just let people off with a foul just cos it’s a friendly.  Otherwise, what’s the point?  It’d be completely pointless.”

By now they had arrived at the changing rooms.  “Anyway, I’m going to get changed now,” Annabel remarked.

“Ar, right, aye,” Eric acknowledged.  “Do you fancy going for something to eat after you’ve got changed, though?  My treat.  I’ve had a bit of luck on the pokies so I’m canny flush at the minute, like.”  Eric wasn’t usually the sort to offer free food but he somehow felt a sense of responsibility to right the injustice that Annabel had suffered and he figured that treating her to a meal was as good a way as any to do this.  Or perhaps his generosity may also have been motivated by the fact that Annabel was totally fit.

“Yeah, that’d be nice,” Annabel agreed.

While Annabel was getting changed Eric suddenly realised that he wasn’t one hundred percent certain that he and Rachel had split up.  Not that they were ever boyfriend and girlfriend, but they’d seen each other a few times and it was just common decency when you’ve seen a lass a few times not to go out with any other lasses.

So he sent Rachel the following text message:

‘Alright, I’ve just met this really fit lass and I was gonna go for a meal with her but I just thought I’d better check with you first that we’ve definitely split up.  Like, the other day when you were in the huff with uz when I was going on about the aliens, that definitely meant you’d bombed uz out, didn’t it?  Just to clarify?  Just cos I’m not a two-timer or nothing so I’m just making sure I’m definitely single.  Cheers.

If you could let uz know quite quickly it’d be appreciated cos she’s getting changed at the moment and she’ll be ready in a few minutes.

Cheers.’

Rachel texted back the following reply:

‘Dickhead.’

Eric smiled as he read her message.  ‘Ar, class!  I think that means I’m definitely single,’ he thought to himself, just as Annabel emerged from the changing rooms.