How to Outrun a Crocodile When Your Shoes Are Untied (16 page)

“An electric eel can produce a shock of six hundred and fifty volts.”

—Animal Wisdom

Bright sun warmed my already burning cheeks. The auditorium I would be speaking in wasn't far from the zoo house. It was outside, set up sort of like a small coliseum, with bleachers and a center ring with a gazebo for the presenter. Of course, now that I really looked at it, it reminded me of those rings where gladiators used to fight tigers while the audience taunted and laughed.

Fitting.

As we made our way there (and I checked my fly
and
my teeth), I put on my safari hat. No turning back now. The side braid that Sugar had somehow magically worked into my stubborn hair rested on my shoulder, boosting my confidence. She had also done wonders on my eyes and face, which were no longer puffy and red, but fresh-looking with a hint of sparkle. Even Mom liked it, and Mom is usually all “less is more” about makeup. If it weren't for the constant buzzing in my head, I might even say I looked good. Definite after picture.

Daz and Kevin took off to the back row of the bleachers, and Mom and Dad sat in the shade of the gazebo, which was set up with a small table. All of the reptiles I would be talking about were waiting quietly in their cages.

Paul, the director of education, emerged from behind an amplifier and gave me a small microphone that hooked onto my shirt. I could feel the eyes of the crowd on me but wasn't yet brave enough to face them. The constant hum of conversation poked away at my self-confidence as my heart skipped away in my chest.

Before I walked out onto the grass of the open auditorium, I peeked up from the gazebo to see who was there in the bleachers. Maybe I could find a few unfamiliar faces and hopefully focus on them, so I didn't wig myself out, right?

No such luck.

Front and center were the Sneerers. I wasn't surprised, but just the sight of them made my breathing speed up. Liv's voice echoed in my head, words that she hadn't said, but I needed to hear.

Relax. Breathe. You are smart, sophisticated, and special.

Zack was there too, on the far right of the bleacher.
Why
did
Zack
have
to
come?
Like it wasn't bad enough to know he had totally heard me spew out his name on national television. He was smiling broadly at the Guy Who Wears Too Much Cologne and gawking at Sugar, who had taken a seat beside my mom with some of the other zookeepers. Obviously the guys were going to notice her—she
was
gorgeous—but did they have to snap pictures on their cell phones and jeer with each other? Gross.

I even spotted Rebecca and her friends in the crowd. That meant that actual eighth graders had come to see
me
. Beside them, a group of parents and two familiar, young, wide-eyed children shifted nervously, clearly keeping watch for another glimpse of the infamous caveman ghost.

I swallowed hard and looked for Bella. She was in the back row, next to Kevin and Daz. They all gave me quick thumbs-up. I swear, it felt like even the bugs in the air stopped flying so they could park themselves on a bleacher to gawk at me.

The buzz from the crowd began to drown out my mantra, and I soon noticed individual sounds. Little boys whined to their mothers and candy wrappers crinkled. My own feet made quiet treading sounds against the hot dirt. I could even hear the sound of someone watering the grounds in a neighboring exhibit. I'd read somewhere that in moments of sheer terror, people's senses got better—is that what was happening to me?
Did
I
have
Spideysenses?

I
am
smart, sophisticated, and special.

I looked over at my mom and grandpa, who were urging me to get out there. I took a step forward and tripped on the amplifier cord.

Oh, I was special all right.

Checking out the crowd one last time, I recognized Principal Miller, the math geeks, and even some of the drama kids. People I have barely talked to, but they showed up anyway. My stomach, which felt like I'd eaten a donkey earlier, suddenly felt empty and fluttery, like it had been taken over by a flock of bats. I stuffed my notes in my back pocket and stepped out into the sunlight.

Grandpa chose what he wanted to be, and so could I.

Breathe.

“Hello, everyone,” I said, doing my best not to throw up during my first sentence. The crowd silenced, and I heard imaginary crickets for a moment. The crackling microphone on my lapel felt like an iron weight.

Keep
going. Don't just stand there!

Then I noticed something: a
different
familiar face in the crowd.

Beatrix, the little girl that been my first audience, was waving at me frantically, bouncing up and down in her seat. Perched on her head was an oversized rugged hat, identical to mine, that she must have bought from the zoo shop. She was practically vibrating she looked so excited. Her mother, sitting beside her looking as well dressed as ever, gave me a quick smile and wave.

Then something happened. I don't know where it came from, and I couldn't help it.

I
smiled
back
at
her
and
waved.

The first part of my presentation was supposed to last around five minutes. I held my head high and began my introduction. Instead of looking at Zack's cocky smile or Ashley's sneer in the front row, I pretended like I was only talking to Beatrix.

“Today I'm going to be speaking to you about some of the reptiles here at the zoo.” I sounded so loud on the sound system! I struggled to keep my voice clear and even.

“I'll start off with Goliath, who is our resident boa constrictor,” I said. My cheeks already stung from smiling so much. My hat did a good job of keeping the sun from my eyes, though.

Mom handed me the canvas bag that held Goliath, giving me a quick wink. I could tell she was already stoked that I hadn't made a run for it yet.

The crowd broke out into
oohs
and
aahs
as I reached into the bag and heaved out Goliath's sleek, wide body. I lifted him onto my shoulders with both hands and nestled him around my neck. The weight felt comforting actually, like he was a barrier between me and the crowd. I could hear a few shrieks from the audience as I tossed the empty bag to the side.

Hah! They were scared.

Walking back and forth across the center of the arena, I described Goliath. I had all of his stats down pat, thanks to my hours of rehearsal. He had also lived with us for a while at our other house when he was a hatchling. This was
so
much cooler than pretending in my room with a hairbrush iguana!

I kept sneaking peeks at Ashley, Brooke, and Rayna. Ashley looked like she was going to throw up all over their designer sandals, and Brooke was staring with wide eyes at Goliath. Rayna, who was holding onto a tiny camcorder, looked like she might pass out.

Awwwwe-some!

I continued to talk about Goliath, making sure to move slowly so everybody could get pictures. When I had covered everything from my notes, I handed him to Dad, who nudged another open box toward me with his boot.

Otis.

I could tell the audience was eager to see what was next, so I took my time. Apart from the constant near-panic mode, I loved having the chance to make people squirm! I took my time collecting a large piece of carpeting from the table, noticing a nod of approval from Grandpa. He nudged my mom proudly.

“Now, this next reptile is Otis,” I said, gingerly placing the carpet into the box and fitting it over the snapping turtle's two-foot shell. Using the carpet as a shield against Otis's snap-at-any-second jaws, I hoisted him from the box.

Another peal of emotion came from the crowd. I looked up at Zack for a moment, which was a big mistake. He was still joking around with Cologne Guy and watching Sugar. Ugh! Couldn't he pretend he was interested? Luckily, Otis raked a back claw against my pant leg and snapped me out of it.

Okay, focus.

I was almost done!

I set Otis down on the ground and began to describe him to the crowd. As I continued to talk, I made sure not to look at Zack again. I could tell my face was totally burning, but hopefully everybody thought it was the sun or something, and not random embarrassment and annoyance going full whack. I squinted up to Bella, Daz, and Kevin, who all gave me open smiles.

Finally, I reached the part of the presentation I was most dreading. My big finish with audience participation. I handed Otis to Mom and made my way toward the last crate.

With Otis now put away, the Sneerers had regained themselves. Ashley's glares stabbed at me, and they whispered back and forth. Before I could go back to ignoring them, a huge boulder seemed to fall in my stomach and my legs wavered. They were smirking, batting their eyes like they were swatting flies. Ashley pointed sneakily at the cameras to my left and right and whispered to Rayna.

A familiar feeling swept over me, not unlike that time in the cafeteria. Like how a lobster must feel in a tank at the supermarket. Ready to be picked up and cooked at any moment.

My eyes darted across the crowd. Nothing had changed. I sucked in a desperate breath, forcing myself not to bolt then and there. Had they planted someone to sabotage me? I was gritting my teeth at the rush of panic that had already taken over my body. Fear clamped down on my chest.

Something
was
up.

“The anaconda is the largest snake in the world. They don't need venom. Instead they are experts at ambushing prey.”

—Animal Wisdom

The Sneerers kept smirking and whispering, making out like they were waiting for something huge to happen. Ashley kept sneaking looks at Zack and giggling.

The audience started to shift in their seats; they had noticed that I hadn't spoken in about a minute. I wiped my sweaty palms on my thighs and looked at the crowd. They had seemed so friendly a moment ago; now I felt like they were a firing squad, eagerly waiting for me to botch things up. I was the gladiator now, waiting for the lion to come out so the crowd could cheer as it tore me apart.

No!
I bit my lip, searching frantically for a familiar face, but all I could see was the growing smirk on Ashley's face.

As I stood there, no doubt looking utterly ridiculous and tongue-tied, she was winning. I knew it. She knew it. Zack knew it. Even the turtle probably knew it. All I could hear were muffled, panicked thoughts buzzing in my ears like a beehive as I felt the crowd start to cave in on me, ready to laugh at me for making a single mistake…

And then, something jerked me from my swarming thoughts. A bright flicker in the corner of my vision. Something round, something yellow.

A sunflower.

Brooke had reached into her pocket and pulled out her nail file, and was now staring at me with wide, assertive eyes. She looked down at the file in her hands and flipped it over in her palm, then back up at me. She wasn't filing her nails. She was just sitting there, holding it. Twirling it between her fingertips. What was it Brooke had said about that sunflower?

Then it dawned on me.

Focus
.

Kevin had it right. They just wanted to mess with me so
I
screwed up on my own! They were way too cowardly to do anything. They wanted me to do it for them!

This
was
exactly
what
they
wanted! To psyche me out!

I had depended on Liv practically every day of my life to help me fend off these snobby carnivores. And for years, they always won.

But Liv wasn't here anymore.

But that didn't mean I was alone.

I looked up at Daz, Bella, and Kevin, who were all grinning eagerly. I had friends. I had my parents. I had a famous grandpa and his sugary sweet girlfriend. I had the whole crowd in front of me, rooting for me.

And most importantly? I had that little seedling of bravery. The Sneerers would never change that, no matter what they did.

It was about time to show them.

I glimpsed back quickly at Mom, who was glaring something awful at Ashley. Then, in a moment that will go down in history as the apex of awesome
momitude
, she looked me straight in the eye, curled her lips into a smile, and gave me a devious nod.

I knew what I had to do.

I threw my hands on my hips and smiled at the crowd. I made sure to look directly into Ashley's perfectly lined eyes.

Because I had an idea, you see. I may be a total anonymous-social-reject-of-a-chicken-with-crickets-in-my-pocket, but I had something they didn't.

And I don't just mean the microphone.

I had Frankie.

Otherwise known as Louie's cousin. A young and feisty three-foot crocodile.

I glared back at Ashley. Think you can make me look like a total moron again? Not today, sweetheart.

I could still feel my pulse racing, but now, instead of slowing me down, it acted as a propeller. Ashley seemed unfazed by my realization and kept right on giving me the evil eye. Daring me to mess up. Rayna held the camera higher and giggled, her pink bangles clattering against each other on her wrist. Beside them, the tiny little sunflower was still perched in Brooke's hands.

I cleared my throat again and smiled.

I said, “Now, if someone wouldn't mind, I'm going to need a volunteer to help me with this next part. Someone who isn't afraid to get their hands dirty.”

I could see Beatrix shoot her tiny hand in the air, but I had a better idea in mind.

I walked around the auditorium slowly, rubbing my hands together with anticipation. The audience was squirming in their seats—nearly everybody had their hand up. I squinted at the back row. Daz was beaming, shoving Kevin with excitement. Rebecca waved her hand eagerly and took a quick picture on her camera.

I knew what I wanted to do was against the rules—you weren't supposed to ask volunteers who didn't offer.

But still…

Brooke looked slightly unnerved, and Rayna was fidgeting with her purse, trying to avoid eye contact. Ashley had become enamored with the nail polish on her toes.

Not so brave now, were they?

I stopped in front of them and caught Brooke's eye, which darted beside her. I grinned at Ashley. “How about you?” I pointed at her.

Seriously, by the look on her face, I thought she was going to jump up right there and try to dropkick me. That is, if she hadn't been wearing flip-flops and a toe ring. She hesitated. Then, sticking her chin in the air, she said, “Ugh,
fine
.”

“Are you afraid of crocodiles?” I asked. I made sure to look at the audience as I said it. Ashley flipped her hair and gave the audience a flirty smile.

“Absolutely not,
Scales
.” She added that last part under her breath. A couple people in the front row chuckled, including Zack who had managed to tear his eyes off Sugar for ten seconds. But I didn't mind.

“Okay, great. Then you won't mind holding on to him for a second.” I leaned down to pick up Frankie, carefully wrapping my hands around his shoulder and under his cream-colored belly. His mouth was tethered closed with a small band.

I held the young crocodile out to Ashley, enjoying the look of terror that was cracking through her mask of smirkiness.

“Do you mind?” I asked again, moving his scaled face closer to her. She jumped back, which caused a rift of laughter to roll through the crowd.

“You don't have to worry,” I explained to the audience. I made sure to keep my voice slow and easygoing.

“Crocodiles have very strong muscles to close their jaws. But the muscles used to
open
them are very weak. He can't open his mouth as long as the band is on there.” I pointed to the thick red band keeping Frankie's teeth where they belonged.

The color was draining from Ashley's face. I was still holding the crocodile out to her. I could see panic in her eyes: she was trying to figure out a way to get out of this and not look like a dork. She peeked up over at Zack, looking sheepish.

“I don't want to touch it,” Ashley said quietly. She sounded annoyed, and she was scowling at me like a rabid hyena.

“You don't? Well, maybe our audience can give you a hand.” I looked to the crowd as an invitation to clap. Daz was the first one, his hands shooting above his head in the back row.

Ashley glared at me one last time and slowly reached out her hands. I looked up at Rayna holding up her camcorder. She was still filming the entire thing.

I winked.

At first, I thought Ashley might drop the croc, turn right around, and sit back down. But she just stood there, with her lips all winched up like she was disgusted. I leaned in closer and handed Frankie over. He wasn't as heavy as he looked, but her arms trembled. For a second, I couldn't help but enjoy watching her panic. With Ashley twitching and staring at Frankie, I began to speak easily about his diet and natural history. Only a few minutes left!

Okay. I'll totally admit that I was completely happy with how this was going. I wasn't having a coronary like I expected, and the audience was totally engaged. And if Ashley hadn't been a tidal wave of social destruction for me during the past ten years, I might have even felt bad for her when it happened.

Or not.

I can't tell you why it did. Maybe the laughter of the audience had started to grow louder. Maybe it was the color of Ashley's hot magenta tank top, flashing in Frankie's eyes. Or maybe it was the bucketful of food that he'd eaten earlier. All I know is that it took one tremble from Ashley's outstretched arms to cause him to let loose.

That's right.

Right when I was nearing the end of my speech, as Ashley glared in disgust and threw me a furious look of “
you'll pay for this,
” Frankie decided he'd had enough.

By going to the bathroom.

All over her feet.

It was everywhere, covering her white sandals and manicured toes. And, okay, so crocodile pee isn't
that
gross, but it still smelled like an elephant farm on a hot day. I held my breath as I watched it happen.

Nobody in the crowd was prepared for the screech that flew out of Ashley's mouth faster than any insult she'd ever hurled at me.

Now, I've never seen
The
Exorcist
—Mom won't let me watch it. But I can say that the moment the crocodile
went
for
it
, Ashley's face looked a
lot
like the preview that Liv and I had seen late that night on the Scream Channel. Her eyes were wide, and her eyebrows shot to her hairline. And what was worse (for her!) was that she couldn't put Frankie down until I took him back. It was like the gods had opened up the sky and offered me the most spectacular favor in the history of mankind. Or, at least, of junior high.

It was Grandpa that started to laugh first. The audience, who had been shocked into silence by her screech, began to join in; if a celebrity was allowed to laugh, then so were they. I looked up to see the laughing faces of Bella, Cologne Guy, Dad, and tons of other strangers in the bleachers. Rebecca even stood up, angling herself to take another picture of her sister covered in crocodile muck.

I turned to Ashley. She was white as an albino rabbit and was pleading at me with her eyes. I beamed at her, shrugging my shoulders to the crowd.

“Whoops! Looks like we had a little accident!” I nodded to the crowd, letting a big smile cross my face. I took Frankie from her, and she immediately ran off. Probably to find a bathroom. Rayna and Brooke stayed planted, but I couldn't help but notice Rayna followed Ashley with the camera. They really
were
programmed to follow her every move.

“There's a hose near the camel pen!” I shouted after her. Kevin was the first one to laugh this time, which filled my stomach with flutters of happiness.

The crocodile was still relaxing in my hands; I was pretty sure he was half-asleep by now. “Okay, anyone else like to give it a try at holding Frankie? Maybe we need someone big and strong here, seeing how this crocodile is pretty scary!” I raised my eyebrows at the audience, surprising myself with my strong voice.

A few guys in the back rows lifted their hands, including Daz, but it was Beatrix who jumped up in her seat and exclaimed, “
Me!
”

I nodded to her, inviting her to join me.

The last two minutes of my presentation were a blur. I didn't even mind when I noticed the cameraman zooming in on me; I even helped them get better views of Frankie. I managed to finish on time and even answer some questions about reptiles. One person even asked how I got so good at handling them!

When I was finally finished and turned back to the gazebo, my parents were waiting with Grandpa and Sugar.

“
Banana!
You were spectacular! A total natural.” Grandpa picked me up and swung me around. If I hadn't been giddy as a cat on catnip already, I would have totally been embarrassed. But who cares? I'd done it, and not only did I do okay, I taught Ashley a lesson too!

“He's right, you know.” Sugar giggled. “You were hotter than a Memphis sidewalk, girl!” She leaned in to hug me.

Now I knew how celebrities felt when they beat out other actresses for a role. I was like Angelina Jolie! Or Anne Hathaway! (Minus the awesome hair and scads of money and tanned thighs, because let's face it, that's not going to happen.) But outside of Hollywood, I felt like an absolute star. I took one last look at the crowd before they filed out, catching site of Ms. Fenton. Her soft-pink blouse stood out against her shiny hair. She waved to me before getting lost behind a throng of students.

Waving back, a teeny idea popped into my head. I still had until tomorrow night before her project deadline was up.

“Hey, Grandpa.” I tugged on his shirt and pulled him aside. “Could you maybe do me a favor?”

He stood tall. “Anything you need, Banana.”

“Think I could talk to your camera crew before they pack up? I…need their help with something important.” I glanced behind me at the cameras, still trained on us. The feeling of being filmed didn't scare me anymore. For once, it just might save the day.