How to Defeat Harmful Habits (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (3 page)
O
n the surface I realize the title above sounds somewhat absurd. Normally we welcome friends into a warm, inviting home or to a delicious dinner or to a positive experience. In fact, welcomes are most always positive, almost always pleasant.
Why, then, would I welcome you to the dark world of addictions, where sorrow, suffering, and shame permeate the atmosphere? Because I
want
you here—I
need
you here! I want to deepen your understanding of this debilitating world to help free you—or someone you love—from its gravitational grip.
And so I welcome you. I want you to learn about the isolated inner world of the addicted—the devastating, self-destructive struggles that characterize every day of their lives. I also welcome you to explore what has brought help to countless millions—the “crisis interventions,” the various rehabilitation programs, the Christian 12-step world of recovery, and so much more. What better way to develop a compassionate heart for strugglers?
I further welcome you to learn about the ways to connect with, pray for, and reach out to a struggler. What better way to be used by God than to help meet a struggler’s needs?
If you worked for a disaster relief organization and you were assigned to a country on the opposite side of the globe, you would surely take time to learn about its people and language, its currency and customs. You would want to educate yourself so you could be of greater help to those you are about to meet. The same is true when stepping into the world of addictions. The more you
enter
into an understanding of this world, the more you can help others
exit
this world.
I wish you had known my Uncle Billy. He was quite bright. His teachers said he was a stellar student who could make straight As without even coming to class. He had thick brown hair, deep-set dimples, and a winsome smile. Everyone wanted to be around Uncle Billy, yet he kept his distance. He seemed to keep an impenetrable wall between himself and others.
I always felt sorry for my uncle because he was somewhat the black sheep of the family. By the time I was a teenager, he had experienced many losses because of his heavy drinking. The worst, by far, was the day he discovered his business partner had run off with all of their company’s money—and with his wife.
Uncle Billy was devastated. He not only lost his work and his wife, but he also lost
control of his life
—something else had control of him. He was an alcoholic, and he literally lost his life—he died as a result of suicide. We all loved Uncle Billy, but in the end, we lost him.
I’ve often wondered,
What might have helped my Uncle Billy? What would have delivered him from his addiction? What would have saved him from his own self-destruction?
Like my uncle, countless others have been destroyed by debilitating addictions, leaving family and friends grappling with the haunting “if onlys”:
If only I’d grasped the gravity…If only I’d learned…If only I’d understood…
With addictive habits affecting so many millions who continually relapse, some wonder,
Can those who struggle with addictions be set free—permanently?
The answer is
yes
! There is genuine hope—guaranteed hope—rooted in the promises of God. He can give the supernatural help so desperately needed—not only to
be
set free, but also to
stay
free. It all begins with the admission that there is a problem. Then there must be a willingness to face the problem so healing can begin.
And for every struggler who is reading this: Remember,
you are not alone
. God is ready to provide all the strength, power, and discipline you need. According to the prophet Isaiah, He is reaching out to you, saying, “I am the L
ORD
, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; I will help you” (Isaiah 41:13).
Do you need His help? Do you need His strong hand to get you on the road to recovery? If so, grab hold…start now. Keep in mind that every journey begins with a single step. So start walking. And if you stumble, that’s okay. Don’t give up! Get back up and keep going.
You
can
leave the world of addictions. You
can
live in the world of freedom. It’s not impossible! The Bible gives you this absolute assurance: “Nothing is impossible with God” (Luke 1:37).
THE INNER WORLD OF THE ADDICT:A Tale of Two Siblings
W
hile putting the finishing touches on this book, I asked my dear friend Karen if she would review a certain chapter. More than willing, she also suggested I contact her brother Frank because of his firsthand knowledge of addiction. During ensuing conversations, Frank expressed concern that most people who haven’t grappled with addictions don’t grasp their overwhelming power.
For those with addictions (I call them
strugglers
), their physical bodies have found a “new norm.” For example, the alcoholic’s drinking can actually
stop
the shakes,
calm
the nerves,
relieve
the hangover. It can seemingly
create confidence
when, instead, the addiction has actually created chaos. Therefore, when dealing with addictions, there’s so much more to resolving them than saying, “Just say no,” or “Just don’t drink.” For the alcoholic, the body feels “normal”
only with the next drink
!
Most nonaddicts assume recovery is a tidy process in which strugglers decide they want to quit, acknowledge their need for God, do the steps, then—presto!—healing happens. How I wish this were true…but it simply isn’t. Therefore I implore nonaddicts to avoid oversimplifying the road to recovery.
I also appeal to recovering sufferers to not lose hope when you find yourself farther back on the road than you’d hoped to be. One day, consistent success is entirely possible. The Lord can literally restore your life. “Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again” (Psalm 71:20-21).
The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Two days before my manuscript was due, Frank sent me the following letter. After reading his candid, unvarnished words, I now feel
I must share his letter with you
.
Dear June,
I wish more people understood the depth of despair and desperation that addicts live with daily. It would help them understand why the recovery process is long and hard. My battle with alcoholism lasted for about 25 years and nearly consumed me.
In the early and middle stages of my addiction, I was sure that I could quit
any time I wanted
. I even had a list of “motivators” that would provide me with the desire to quit: better job, better relationship, better life, better
whatever
. Occasionally I would manage to quit or cut back my usage—for a while—just to prove to myself or to others I could do it.
The problem was, I was so unconscionably miserable when I wasn’t drinking, I couldn’t stand life without my “relief medicine.” Then I became a
dry drunk
—I wasn’t drinking, but I had done nothing to quiet the desperation inside my head. I always ended up going back to the bottle, often with an increased dosage. I just “needed it” to make the pain go away.
In the later stages, I came to admit—
I didn’t want to quit
(not necessarily that I couldn’t). Alcohol provided the only peace/joy/happiness/relief that I could get in life, so why would I want to give all that up? I still tried to quit or cut back occasionally because I knew my dependency was the source of my problems (but those were halfhearted attempts at best).
My addiction had become
my life
. Every waking moment was spent planning my use:
Do I have enough to make it through the night? When can I sneak the next drink? What excuse can I use today for my behavior? How can I get away so I can drink the way I want to?
My dependence was the most desolate place imaginable. It was both the root of my problem and my answer. It was my hell and my salvation. It was my curse and my blessing. It made life intolerable and was the only thing that made life tolerable.
This place was destroying me and everyone I loved, yet I still couldn’t give it up. The guilt and despair were overpowering, but the fear of having to face even one day without it kept me going back for more. I absolutely couldn’t stand the thought of living one more day “under the influence,” but I also couldn’t bear the thought of giving up “my only solution” to the way I felt.
This was my only prayer: I begged God, “Take my obsession or take my life.” Either was acceptable.
As a Christian, my relationship with God was severely diminished. My feelings toward Him ranged from anger to fear to, at best, an overwhelming sense of guilt about my lifestyle. At this point, I was pretty much unreachable through Scripture and reason.
My drinking had progressed to the point where I felt certain it had a stronger hold on me than my faith, or my God. I had spent countless mornings promising Him, “Today is the day I’ll quit.” And countless evenings praying for God to remove the desire or the need to drink.
I had tried and failed so many times, eventually I could get no traction to try again. I knew that, through God and with God, I had the power to quit…but deep inside I knew I could never let go. People would tell me, “God is bigger and stronger than your addiction,” and I knew that was true. But those words just served to increase my guilt a hundredfold. I was awash with resentment, fear, and guilt.
The good news is…I have been sober for three years. I never could have achieved this without the help of God, family, and the recovery community. Through God, I received the grace, clarity of mind, and strength
to ask for help
.
I would encourage anyone who is battling addiction to know that a fun, sober life is possible! Seek help from family, friends, and others who have traveled the same path. Don’t give up hope—a new life awaits you!
Your friend, Frank
The Rest of the StoryP.S. Let me add—“I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life” (1 Timothy 1:16). This is me.
Amazing! Immediately after reading Frank’s letter, I shared it with Karen—who’d had her own ten-year battle with addiction—and told her how impressed I was with his candor and insights. Still…I was curious: After decades of defeat, what finally enabled Frank to find freedom? Was there a defining moment?
That’s when Karen began to share with me “the rest of the story,” showing how their stories intertwined and giving a glimpse of how the Lord used two siblings at
the critical time
to touch each other’s lives. These are Karen’s words, from her heart.
I was raised in church with godly, nondrinking parents, but during my first semester in college, I met a guy and began running with an entirely new group of friends. A habit of drinking began and grew—from just a drink or two when we went out, to getting drunk each time I drank. The semester before graduation, this man and I broke off our relationship. At that point I began drinking daily. I stopped going to classes and started hanging out with a really rough crowd.
My grades dropped so low that I was dismissed from the university. I stayed in the college town and went through several jobs before finally moving back to my hometown. I took a job that fit my drinking lifestyle and settled into a very embarrassing, demeaning way of living. For the next eight years I was drunk every night—except two that I remember, when I was too sick to get up and go to the store.
My feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness were overwhelming. I made hundreds of promises to God to quit…and by early afternoon, all was “forgotten” and I’d begun planning my drinking for the evening. I lied to family, bosses, and myself so many times it was impossible to feel any sense of self-worth at all.
I couldn’t imagine myself sober and really didn’t have the energy to try. I didn’t want the heartbreak of working up a desire to quit—knowing I would fail. I often prayed to die. Afterward, the sick feeling of impending doom was terrifying.
I believed I couldn’t make promises to God and fail to keep them without something horrible happening. I felt something even worse than this sick, worthless, disgraceful lifestyle was on the horizon. Still, I wouldn’t do what was necessary to quit.
After leaving a party one night, I became so disoriented I couldn’t find my way home. A patrol car pulled me over, and I ended up in jail for driving while intoxicated. My one and only phone call that night was to Frank, who posted my bail and picked me up the following morning.
When I got home, I locked myself in my apartment for two days, trying to determine how to take my life. I felt totally defeated with a desperate desire to resign from life. I don’t know why God allowed me one more day, but He did. I stayed alive, praying and crying.
I never felt any determination to change—I didn’t think I could. Nevertheless, I gave up all detrimental friendships, which honestly left me with none. Nothing in my life was clean or good or healthy.
Over time I became sick of everything that was “me” and wanted nothing to do with any part of who I’d been. I needed to make new choices: I needed to
choose
to go back to church,
choose
to build healthy relationships with the right people,
choose
to walk closely with the Lord,
choose
to make binding commitments.
During my coming-back days, however, Frank was going further away into his dependency and isolation. We had little communication and even less in common. Over the years, my walk with the Lord became more and more consistent. My relationship with Him was meaningful, and my prayers for my brother were constant.
Meanwhile, Frank began losing jobs, then taking jobs far beneath his ability. Obviously he was hurting and in trouble. My heart broke for him. I knew how utterly lost and hopeless he must be feeling, and I felt I could do nothing for him—except pray.
And so I did. Using Frank’s name, I prayed the Psalms. I sang praise songs, interjecting his name in them. Whatever I lifted up to the Lord had Frank all over it.
We visited often by phone, but our communication had little depth. Then I passionately began praying for a way to relate—some way
to connect
, something for us
to share
.
Frank had owned a motorcycle for as long as I can remember. (I, basically, grew up on the back of his bike.) The Lord used this love for bikes to allow us time together. While we were visiting one day, I told him I was tired of riding on the back and wanted to learn to ride for myself. He was all over this. He hooked me up with a training course and even came out to watch me the last day when I tested for my license. Afterward we went online to find the “beater bike”—meaning it will
beat you up
and you will
beat it up
learning to ride!
My big brother was incredibly patient (for Frank), teaching me how to ride—first in parking lots and then on the streets. But the most fun was shopping for the
real
bike—the pretty one you don’t intend to “lay down.” He found the perfect one, I wrote the check, and most weekends we would ride together. It was fabulous!
At the end of one ride, he asked me to come inside his place. He seemed in total despair, beyond hope. His eyes looked dead, lifeless. He sat behind his desk, holding a sheet of paper. As he began reading, tears started flowing down his cheeks—I couldn’t believe it! He was reading a plea for help—
asking me
to find him a place to get sober.
My heart nearly broke seeing him like this, but, at the same time, I was thrilled this was actually happening. I may not know much, but this I know: When strugglers ask for help,
jump—move
! Go full throttle and get them the help they know they need!
Today Frank’s walk and ministry are amazing, and he is deeply dependent on the Lord. Truly, I could never have imagined him living the life he now lives. Be assured, my experience of addiction and my brother’s are real-life stories of victory—victory made possible only through the grace of God and the unfailing love of Christ.