How to (Almost) Ruin Your Summer (4 page)

Startle His Royal Highness

During breakfast on Monday morning, Pogo and I looked at our schedule for the week. After eating, we were supposed to go back to our cabin for daily cleanup and to pick a cabin captain.

I pointed to the schedule. “What's a cabin captain?”

She shrugged. “I dunno. Someone who helps Counselor Mindy, I guess.”

I didn't know much about my fellow bunk mates other than what I'd observed since arriving. Besides Mindy, there were eight of us in the Dakota cabin:

–
Pauline (a.k.a. Paulie, a.k.a. Pogo), who should lay off the caffeine.

–
Ruth, who, being homesick, blubbered before, during, and after dinner last night—and then cried herself to sleep.

–
Charlotte, who's a bit of a busybody and told everyone about Ruth's homesickness.

–
Marcie, whose snoring apparently blocked out the noise of Ruth's bedtime blubbering.

–
Leslie, who cracks her knuckles more often than I take a breath.

–
Victoria, whose need for lip gloss, air-conditioning, and hot water surpasses even Hollywood's most pampered stars.

–
Anna, who quickly became Victoria's personal lackey.

–
And me, the only normal kid. Thankfully, I don't have any issues.

Pogo and I finished our biscuits and gravy and carried our trays to the dish counter. Anna balanced Victoria's tray on top of her own while Victoria stood off to the side, rubbing strawberry-scented lotion on her arms.

“There's a good chance that's going to attract bugs, you know,” Pogo said. “They like the stuff that smells nice.”

“Doubt it,” she sneered. “It's a custom-made bug repellent Daddy special ordered for me from Europe.” She gave her left arm a final swipe. “It's
super
expensive.”

I was all set for Pogo to haul off and give Victoria a snarky reply. Instead, she just smiled. “Isn't that nice.” She linked her arm through mine. “C'mon, Chloe, let's head back to the cabin.”

Victoria harrumphed and turned on her heel.

Outside and away from Victoria's diamond-studded ears, I turned to Pogo. “What was that all about?”

“My mom used to say a lady never tells somebody off, no matter how much of a Miss Priss they are. Instead, you just smile and say, ‘Isn't that nice.' It's Southern-ese for ‘go stick it in your ear.'”

Victoria's voice headed our way, and I tugged on Pogo's arm. “C'mon, let's take the other path to the cabin. I don't want to deal with her diva-ness yet.”

We walked toward the back side of the mess hall, and as we rounded the corner, we stopped dead in our tracks.

King Arthur stood at the edge of Mess Hall Hill. No doubt he was surveying his kingdom. I grabbed Pogo and pulled her against the side of the building, out of sight of the dumb goat. I looked around for someone to tell he'd escaped from his pen, but I didn't see a soul. All the other campers had gone back to their cabins, and I assumed the instructors were at their stations, preparing for the day.

We were alone.

King Arthur was alone…standing with his back to me at the edge of a steep hill.

I looked at Pogo and put my finger to my lips. Nearby were several metal trash cans lined up next to a storage shed behind the mess hall. I tiptoed over and delicately lifted two lids. Holding one in each hand, I slinked over until I stood smack-dab behind King Arthur. I glanced over my shoulder one more time to make sure the coast was still clear. Then I crashed the lids together like a pair of cymbals.

King Arthur's legs shot out in all directions, and he fainted right then and there.

He immediately became a blur of black-and-white hair and hooves tumbling down Mess Hall Hill at ninety miles per hour.

“Oh no!” I squealed.

Pogo rushed over to where I stood. “I thought he'd just fall over—not break the sound barrier rolling down a hill.”

“Me too! Do you think he's hurt? I didn't want to hurt him—just make him faint.”

I held my breath, clutched the lids in my hands, and watched as the goat slid to a stop at the bottom. He struggled to his legs, shook his head, and took a couple wobbly steps.

Yay! I hadn't killed him! I breathed a sigh of relief. He looked back up the hill, and I quickly held up a lid in front of my face—not that he could even see that far, but still, now that the score was even, I didn't want him to know it was me. He trotted off (in an uneven line) in the direction of the barn.

Pogo tugged on my arm. “Oh my gosh, Chloe. That was crazy!”

“Tell me about it.” I set the lids back on the trash cans. Scaring a goat down a hill wasn't very kind, but even I have my moments of weakness. I probably wouldn't be getting the Distinction of Recognized Kindness award anytime soon. “I'm glad he got up. At first I thought I had killed him.”

Pogo snorted. “Chloe McCorkle, on the hillside, with trash can lids.”

“Only this isn't a game of Clue. You can't tell anyone, okay?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Promise?”

“Sure.”

I glanced down the hill once more to make sure King Arthur hadn't stumbled and died, and then we headed for our cabin to find out what in blazes a cabin captain was.

Put Victoria in Charge

The cabin meeting started with all of us sitting in a circle on the floor. Actually, Victoria wore her Zoo 'n' You and sat on Anna's folded blanket. Everyone else sat on the stained carpet. Mindy sat between Victoria and Ruth and would occasionally pat Ruth's back and hand her a tissue.

“Okay!” Mindy chirped. “Let's get to know each other a little more before we head off to our first elective of the day.” She looked at each one of us and smiled. Her teeth were absolutely perfect—the kind that dentists use for billboard advertisements. “This is my third year as a counselor, but Director Mudwimple is my aunt, so I've basically spent all my summers here. I'm the head counselor this time, so in a little bit, I'll need to head out to meet briefly with the other cabins.”

Director Mudwimple was her aunt? That explained the perkiness—must be a family trait.

“If you have any questions or get homesick or anything,” continued Mindy, “just let me know. I've seen it all and I'm here to help.” She handed Ruth another tissue.

I raised my hand. “How come our cabin sleeps twelve, but there's only nine of us?”

She winked. “That's a perk of being the director's niece—we can spread out a bit more and have some privacy.”

In a cabin this small, I could look for privacy all day and never find it.

“Let's start with a fun, getting-to-know-you game. Everyone say their first and last name, and then share one thing special about yourself that begins with the same letter as your last name!”

“Only one?” Victoria said, pushing out her lower lip into a pout.

Mindy giggled. “I'll go first. I'm Mindy Carmelo, and I'm
captain
of the cheer squad at Sponsler University.” She emphasized
Carmelo
and
captain
, as though we needed the reminder they both began with the same letter. She flashed another dentist-advertising smile, put her left hand on her hip, and thrust her right fist into the air. “Goooooooo Tarantulas!”

My jaw dropped. “You're kidding, right? Your mascot is a spider?”

She clapped. “Totally cool, isn't it?”

“So, during football games, there's some guy running around the field in an eight-legged costume, getting the crowd all excited?”

“Yep, but it's not a mean-looking spider. It's wearing a football helmet and pads.”

“Oh.” At least the spider practiced safety first. How comforting.

Mindy turned to Ruth. “Would you like to go next?”

She sniffed and shook her head.

“That's okay. We'll come back to you.” She leaned over to me. “How about you, sweetie?”

“My name's Chloe McCorkle, and my special thing is
maybe
I can take the cake decorating elective so I can earn money for a bike I want.” I also hoped that
maybe
she'd accept that as my special fact. I wasn't good at coming up with interesting things about myself, and I've never liked being put on the spot.

“If you can get into that elective, I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time in the kitchen. That class is superpopular and usually fills up first.”

Not cool. I'd need to come up with a plan to make sure I'd make it into that elective.

Mindy looked past me to Marcie. “How about you?”

“I'm Marcie Asher, and I'm
allergic
to horses. I'm really sorry if I snore at night. I'm taking allergy medicine, but I don't know if it's working.”

Victoria looked up from filing her nails. “It's not.”

Marcie smiled weakly. “Sorry.”

Pogo shrugged. “It's not your fault. My cat snores back home, and it's really loud. You're not as bad as my cat.”

“Thanks.” Marcie looked confused. “I think.”

Eventually, we made it around to Victoria. She let her Zoo 'n' You fall dramatically from her shoulders and repositioned herself on her blanket. She brought her hair around to the front and let it fall over her left shoulder. “My name is Victoria and something special—”

“Wait!” Mindy said. “What's your last name?”

Victoria sighed. “Radamoskovich.”

Mindy cocked her head. “Radamoskovich? That's a very unique name. Are you related to the football player who won the Heisman trophy this past year—JT Radamoskovich?”

Victoria rolled her eyes. “Yes, and my special fact beginning with
R
is I'm
really
sick of hearing about my brother.” She leaned in. “All. The. Time.”

I wasn't a huge sports person, but even I had heard of JT Radamoskovich. During college football season, Dad and I would curl up on the sofa and watch games together while Mom hit garage sales. Sportscasters drooled over the straight-A, all-American quarterback. He was just drafted to play for the Dallas Cowboys. He was the perfect kid.

Mindy blinked repeatedly at Victoria. “Well…I can see how…someone as talented as your brother could cast a big shadow.”

Victoria narrowed her eyes.

“How about,” Mindy said, “you share another special fact—about you this time?”

Victoria looked at me. “I plan on taking the cake decorating elective as well—I think it will be fun to have a cake competition with our chef when I get home. Oh, and another thing special about me is I won the Miss Somerset Beauty Pageant last month.”

Leave it to her to sneak in one more fact about herself. Sheesh.

Mindy blinded us with another smile. “How marvelous! Well, I for one am so excited to get to know all of you more. If you need anything, just ask me.” She picked up a clipboard that was in front of her.

“The next thing we need to do is pick a cabin captain. The cabin captain is the person who will make sure everything is tidy and ready for inspection each day. Cabins are awarded points based on how clean they are. The one with the most points at the end of our two weeks earns a prize.”

Victoria's hand shot up. “I think I should be cabin captain. After all, I have lots of experience at camps, so I know what to do.”

Mindy nodded. “That's true—experience might be very helpful. This is something we vote on though. Does anyone want to second the nomination?”

Victoria elbowed Anna, who immediately raised her hand.

“I do,” Anna said.

“Perfect!” Mindy said.

Pogo nudged me and whispered, “You be cabin captain. You don't want Victoria in charge.”

“No way. She already hates my guts for using all her hairspray on the spider.” I knew if I went up against her and won, she'd make my life at camp miserable. But then, the idea of Victoria being queen of the cabin was enough to make me risk it.

I turned to Mindy. “I'd like to be cabin captain too.”

“Okay. Does anyone second Chloe's nomination?”

Pogo raised her hand. “She's got my vote.”

Victoria glared in our direction.

Mindy stood. “All right. We'll put it to the vote. I'll give everyone a piece of paper, and you write the name of the person you want. Then, I'll tally the votes and we'll see who wins.”

“Anyone who votes for me can use my nail polish—it's from Italy.”

Mindy giggled. “Victoria, you can't bribe the voters, silly.”

Mindy tore eight sheets of paper from her notebook and handed them out. “Spread out so you have privacy, and vote. Then give them to me when you're done.”

Pogo scribbled down her vote and handed her folded paper back to Mindy before I had even finished writing my name. Anna took one look at Victoria's nails and wrote her choice. Charlotte paused for a moment and then cast her vote. Marcie, Ruth, and Leslie hunched over their papers and scribbled names down. Mindy tallied the results.

Victoria: 6.

Me: 2.

Apparently, you
can
bribe voters.

Delight in Flushing Toilets

Mindy tossed the ballots into the trash can and pulled a paper from her clipboard. “Here's the list of things that need to be done each day before inspection. I have to go to the counselor meeting now, but since Victoria's an experienced camper, I know I'm leaving you in great hands. I'll be back before we have to leave for our first elective. Ta-ta!” She smiled a megawatt smile and then was gone.

We stared at Victoria as she looked over the list. “I think the best thing to do is to assign everyone a chore.”

That actually sounded fair—I was surprised. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad with her in charge. She glanced around the cabin and then down at the list in her hand one more time.

“First, everyone needs to make their beds. While you all do that, I'll write names next to chores.” She turned to Anna. “Will you pretty please make my bed while I work on this chore chart?”

She nodded.

“Sorry you didn't win,” Pogo said to me as she climbed the ladder to her top bunk.

“Yeah, me too. Thanks for voting for me though.”

I tidied my sleeping bag and fluffed up my pillow. Since it was only the first real day at camp, my luggage was still nice and orderly. I didn't have to do much with my clothes.

Pogo landed on the floor with a thud from the top bunk. “Where's Victoria?”

I turned around. “I don't know. She was here a minute ago.”

Anna walked up. “Victoria finished the list and went to take a shower.”

“Oh?” Pogo said. “Did she work up a sweat with all the writing?”

“Huh?”

“Never mind,” Pogo said. “Where's the list?”

Anna pointed to the wall near the bathroom door.

“Good grief,” I muttered.

Victoria had posted the chore list to the wall using tape covered with unicorns and hearts.

–
Empty trash can: Anna

–
Vacuum floor: Marcie

–
Clean mirrors: Charlotte

–
Pick up outside trash: Ruth

–
Sweep front porch: Leslie

–
Scrub toilets: Paulie and Chloe

“I say we impeach her,” I said.

“I bet this is just for today. We'll probably have a different chore tomorrow,” Pogo said.

“We'd better—'cause I'm not cleaning bathrooms for two weeks.” I looked at the list again. “Where's
her
name on this anyway?”

Anna looked uncertain. “She said
her
job is to make sure everyone else does their job.”

I stared at her, grinding my teeth together. “Isn't…that…nice.”

Pogo pulled me toward the bathroom door. “C'mon. We can't leave for the elective until we get this done.”

Billows of steam assaulted us when we walked through the bathroom door. “How are we even supposed to
find
the toilets in here?” I said, waving my hand through the air.

“Here.” Pogo handed me a toilet brush. “You take the two stalls near the showers, and I'll take the two near the wall.”

I started to walk toward the bathroom stalls, but Pogo pulled me back.

“Hold on a minute.” She bounced on her toes and whispered, “Do you know what happens when a toilet is flushed while the shower is on?”

“No.”

Pogo gave me a mischievous grin. “Well, having younger brothers and sisters in the house who don't
care
if someone is in the shower, I've learned it takes a while before the hot water returns.”

We slapped high fives and went to our separate stalls.

I went to the first stall, swirled the brush around the bowl, and was filled with a huge sense of pleasure when I flushed the toilet and Victoria yelped from the unexpected surge of cold water. Pogo leaned out her stall door, winked, and flushed her own toilet a couple of times.

“You two better quit that or I'm going to tell,” Victoria screeched.

“What are you going to say? That we were cleaning the toilets and just making sure they were scrubbed good? Yeah, that'll get us in trouble for sure,” Pogo said. She made a face, mocked Victoria silently…and flushed one more time.

Victoria muttered and I snickered while making my way to the next toilet stall.

Before I even had the stall door open all the way, I saw the spider. How it survived the Bug-Me-Not dousing, the fall from the corner, and the hairspray soaking was beyond me. I wasn't about to let it get away a third time though.

I gripped my toilet brush in front of me and slowly advanced. I'd never killed a spider with a toilet brush before. I'd used shoes, a book, even a hair dryer. But never a toilet brush. I wasn't sure it could be done.

I jabbed at it, and it scurried up the wall several feet. I jabbed once more, and it darted closer to the shower stall on my left. I had one shot left before it disappeared into the rising steam of Victoria's shower. This spider was going to wish he was the one wearing football pads and a helmet. I balanced myself on the toilet seat (again) for a final blow. I raised the brush over my head and
smack!

The spider fell into the shower stall.

Victoria screamed.

And I fell into the toilet…again.