How Best to Avoid Dying (22 page)

                    
~What's there, Lish?

                    
~I don't know
.

                    
~Neither do I, so you can't go. You can't go where the writer can't describe
.

                    
~You really are a shitty writer
.

                    
~I can't follow, Lish
.

                    
~No need
.

                    
~Think of the sperm
.

                    
~I'm just doing what they would do. This is the kwaggle of all things
.

                    
~Think of Rex H
.

                    
~Floating frame. Nothing more
.

                    
~Think of me
.

                    
~I will
.

                    
~

                    
~

                    
~

                    
~Goodbye
.

Goodbye.

and
this

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Thanks to the excellent journals and insightful editors who helped craft and publish many of these stories: “Pierced” and “Heart Thongs for Jesus,”
So It Goes: The Literary Journal of the Kurt Vonnegut Memorial Library;
“The Martyrs of Mountain Peak,”
Puerto del Sol
; “Lord Baxtor Ballsington,”
Word Riot
; “Christmas,”
Fish Anthology 2006
; “The Beginning of All Things,” “Four Tiny Tales Concerning Transformation,” and “The Adventures of Stimp,”
The Austin Daze
; “Of All Places,” and “Lazarus Dying,”
Tiferet: A Journal of Spiritual Literature
; “The Fecalist,”
Blow
; “St. Gobbler's Day,”
Blow
and in a slightly alerted form in
Two Note Solo
; “Lish,”
Absinthe: New European Writing
.

Special thanks to my wonderful editor and wise counsel Liz Parker. And thanks to Megan Fishmann, Kelly Winton and the entire Counterpoint/Soft Skull Press family.

Much thanks goes to Matthew Bialer and Lindsay Ribar at Greenburger Associates for excellent guidance and representation.

And thanks to all those who read and commented on these stories including Ric Williams, Matt & Melissa Stuart,
Stacey Swann, Manuel Gonzales, Mike Yang, and Michael & Stephanie Noll. And much thanks to Deltina Hay for originally putting this collection in print. And thanks to the MFA Program at Texas State University and all the fine writers and teachers I had the honor of learning from while there. Thanks to Paul Cohen and his wonderful family for continued support even after seeing me naked.

Thanks, too, to my comedy colleagues—Les McGehee, John Erler, Jerm Pollet, and so many others. And to Tim and Karrie League and the Alamo Drafthouse. And thanks to Russell Sharman and Chris Mass for laughter and wisdom.

I wrote most of these stories in the cozy corners and breezy courtyards of Austin's holy coffeehouses. Thank you especially to Leslie and the crew at Bouldin Creek Cafe and Rob & Jenée and the gang at Once Over Coffee Bar.

And finally, thank you with all my heart and all my smiles to Jodi, Arden, and Oscar. I love you more than Nutella and hot tea.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Owen Egerton is one of the talents behind the award-winning The Sinus Show and Master Pancake Theater at the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema, and for several years was the artistic director of Austin's National Comedy Theatre. He's written screenplays for Fox, Warner Brothers, and Disney studios. He is also the author of the one-man play
The Other Side of Sleep
and the novel
The Book of Harold
, which is currently in development as a television series with Warner Bros. Television. He lives in Austin.