Hot as Hell (21 page)

F
ive minutes and a trip to the bathroom later, Lexy stood at the door to Noah’s office. His assistant already told her to go in. No chitchat or girl talk like they used to do while she waited for Noah to finish a meeting or get off an important call.

This time, the older woman had taken one look at Lexy and nodded to her boss’s door with a simple “he’s in.” Looked as if she was the bad guy in the situation. Again. Noah broke her heart and everyone sided with him. She had no idea how that kept happening.

With a deep inhale, she squared her shoulders and knocked on the door.

“Come in,” came the muffled reply.

When she stepped into the large airy office, the one with the navy walls and furniture she picked out and arranged, memories assailed her from every direction, both fiery and comfortable. How they sat and talked as they ate lunch at his desk. How they made love on that same surface. Even the sweetest moments pricked her with pain as she remembered them.

Then she realized she was alone.

The door to the adjoining bathroom stood open. A sliver of gray suit pants was visible in the light from the opening. “I just need a second, William.”

Gray had not lied. Well, not about this. Noah really did expect a meeting with William.

“No rush,” she said.

At the sound of her voice, Noah’s head popped around the door frame. “Lexy?”

“I’m here for the meeting.”

He stepped into the doorway wringing a crumpled towel in his hands. She figured she caught him in the middle of washing up.

“I see.” That was all he said.

The towel remained wrapped over his fists, but she could see everything else about him. The mischievous spark that lit his eyes and so attracted her the first time she saw him years ago was gone. A deep frown marred his otherwise strong face and solid jaw. He looked tired. Sad.

Every emotion crushing her could be seen on his face. In his dull skin.

“What happened to William?” Noah asked in a tone as flat as his demeanor.

“Gray.”

“What?”

Whatever scene Gray planned, he planned it alone. From Noah’s frown, she could tell he was as in the dark about this situation as she was. “Gray insisted I take this meeting.”

If possible, Noah’s face fell even further. “Your brother’s a stubborn ass.”

“Do you expect me to disagree?”

“No.”

“He insists he’s not matchmaking.”

Noah smacked his lips together. “And Gray never lies.”

She had to smile at that. “Yeah, I know. I didn’t get to pick my sibling. Blame my parents. Gray is one more strike against them, I guess.”

Noah motioned for her to take a seat in one of the mission-style chairs in front of his desk. “You may as well sit.”

Was it possible he was even less enthusiastic about this situation than she was?

“Since I didn’t know I was coming in today for this meeting, I don’t have the specifics about the PR campaign.” She didn’t have anything. Only William got things done in the office right now. She was too busy mourning the loss of the man sitting at the desk in front of her.

“Did William pass my report to you?” Noah asked.

“Uh, no?”

Noah reached into the credenza behind him. “I wasn’t sure what information you needed to set up the marketing and PR.”

She had trouble getting up in the morning and he spent the same time making impressive files. Life sucked. She flipped through the folder he put in front of her, but did not see anything but a smear of black where the words should be.

“Then there’s the added question about whether or not we should hold off and put some time and distance between the company and Dex’s situation.” Noah winced over his former friend’s name.

She thought she heard a brief fumble in his voice as well. For a guy with a practiced serious look and determination to plow through the business in front of them, something terrible bubbled inside him. They were connected enough for her to know it. Feel it. To ache for him.

“I’m sorry about Dex.” The comment came out as a whisper because resentment and pain backed up on her over Dex’s actions.

And she was one step removed. She did not consider Dex a best friend. Didn’t spend hours with him. Trust him, work with him, and believe in him. She wondered what that sort of harsh betrayal did to a man like Noah. He lived by a strict code of right and wrong. His upbringing scarred him. In a way, warped him.

“He finally confessed. He set up Henderson and me.” Noah broke eye contact and went back to his credenza. “I found some old marketing plans you put together for—”

The all-business attitude broke her will. She wanted to be strong and not care, but she was not that person. She loved him too much to play this odd role.

“Stop.” The word came out as a whisper.

He swiveled back around. “Huh?”

“That’s enough.”

He had the nerve to look confused. “You lost me.”

“What are we doing here?”

“Work.” No compromise there. The word practically snapped out of him.

“We can’t sit here and pretend nothing has gone on between us. The two of us trying to conduct business is ridiculous.”

“You walked into
my
office. I’m trying to be professional about this. Trying to maintain some semblance of a regular meeting.”

The coldness of his voice and actions killed her by inches. “We have too much history to act as if we don’t.”

He stared at her, not saying a word.

“What?” she asked.

“I’m just sitting here.”

That was the worst part. He acted as if he did not care about her or anything she said. The only thing he let her see was a blank face and a stern expression. He treated perfect strangers with more warmth.

“What do you want from me, Lexy?”

Everything. That was the problem. She wanted him to put her first and not push her into an adult life filled with secrets and misplaced protectiveness. She had done that for too many years already.

“We have to figure out a way to work together,” she said.

He rubbed a hand over his face. For a second, his rigid composure broke and she saw a brief glimpse of the compassionate, loving man who got treated her to a lavish dinner with champagne before getting down on one knee to propose. Then his face closed up again, leaving her standing on the outside looking in.

“You know what?” He tapped to his desk. “We can’t. You were right to put William on this project.”

So it was up to her to walk away and make herself scarce at the office. “We should be able to keep business separate from our personal relationship.”

“That’s not going to happen.” His lips flattened. “There’s a limit to what’s possible.”

The realistic and intelligent part of her agreed with his assessment. Some deeper dying part needed him to acknowledge that the situation was killing him the same way it was killing her.

She hit her fists against her knees in an attempt to bring all of her crazy thoughts back under control. “We care about each other.”

His mouth dropped open. “Care? That’s the word you’re using to describe how you feel about me?”

She closed her eyes on a waved of pain. “I never denied loving you, Noah. That was never the issue.”

“No. The problem was that you didn’t love me enough.”

His words flew at her out of nowhere and landed like a punch right to her stomach. The breath actually rushed out of her.

How in the world had he come up with such a wrong answer to what happened to them? This amounted to something more than a communications issue. “That’s not true.”

“Of course it is.” He relaxed back in his chair even as his voice rose with anger. “Your love was conditional.”

“No. Absolutely not.” She wanted to scream the denial.

“You loved me only as long as I did what you wanted, when you wanted. When I broke with the plan you had in your head of how a fiancé should act, you left me.”

He had the facts tangled and rearranged.

“I didn’t—”

“You left me, Lexy. Not once, but twice.” His voice trembled from the force of his words.

Their fights unfolded in her head in a very different way. She was trying to protect herself. To prove a point to him so that they could have a meaningful future together.

He gave her a sad smile. “You walked out of my life when I did something that disappointed you.”

Once he started talking, emotion spewed out of him. From the tense way he held his body to the tight clench of his jaw, she could see how much the conversation cost him.

“You make me sound like a petulant child.”

“You made me feel disposable.”

The weight of his words crashed down on her head. “That’s not how it was.”

“It’s exactly what happened.” His eyes grew huge with a mix of fire and rage. “I blamed myself. I kept thinking if I changed, you would stop leaving me.”

A sob rushed up her throat, but she choked it back. As she heard the words, she could almost see him work it all out in his mind. As the thoughts entered his head, he threw them at her. It was as if he did not realize how hurt he was until he started talking.

“We saw things differently. Things that didn’t matter to me, for whatever reason, mattered to you. When I didn’t immediately see that, I got punished.”

He made her sound so horrible. So little and petty. The more he spoke, the less sure of her position she became, but she rushed to defend her actions anyway. “The issue was trust.”

“Did you ever really not trust me?” He shoved his chair back hard from the desk. “Really? Ask yourself.”

She did not know if he wanted space or was just staving off the violence running through him. “My trust was not in question.”

“Neither was mine. You had it from the beginning. I didn’t question your parents or their odd behaviors. I supported you in your career and in therapy.”

“Noah, come on. You wouldn’t share any information with me. Then when you did, you still held back this huge secret about being blackmailed. After our deep discussion at the resort, you went back to acting the same way.”

“So you walked out.”

“I had to.”

He stood up and turned his back to her. She could see his face in the window. Gone was the strong man who never broke down. Anguish, heartbreak. In that moment, she saw each emotion play across his face.

“No, Lexy. You chose to leave. You decided my love for you was not enough. That I couldn’t change, or maybe that I wasn’t worth the wait to see if I could.”

She did not think her heart could splinter any more.

She was wrong.

“It sounds as if I’m not the only one who felt betrayed,” she whispered the realization more to the room than to him.

“You’re just now getting that?”

“You never said it before.”

“Because I hoped I was wrong.” He turned back to her with his mask of indifference firmly back in place. “You made it pretty clear how easy it is for you to leave me behind.”

Her heart broke. This time, it broke for him. “It was never like that.”

“It was only like that.”

“You see everything in such black-and-white terms. Life is about gray.”

“Not this. There’s never been anything about my feelings for you that had to be hid in the shadows or explained or muted. Black-and-white. Love and trust or not.” He visibly forced his fingers to unclench from the back of his chair. “You made your decision. I made mine. Unfortunately, we made different choices.”

“You’ve thought about this a great deal.”

“It’s been a long two weeks.” He looked down at his hands.

The longest and worst of her life. “What should I have done?”

“I don’t understand what you’re asking.”

“You say I ran.”

“That’s not up for debate. I wasn’t at that damn resort in Utah for a vacation.”

He was right.

Her knees buckled, but she managed to stay on her feet. She failed to fight for him and refused to stick it out. The entire thing—the trip to Utah, the fights—all revolved around her needs. Her security depended on him acting a certain way. The demands she placed on him did not really have anything to do with him. They related to her and her anger at her parents. Yet she put it all on him.

It all made sense now. His history with Karen taught him to provide only happy news. His time in the military and government showed him how to separate out the parts of his life so he could handle them. His parents taught him that love came with a price.

And she broke his heart. That she had the power to do so stunned her, but watching him now, she knew. The man standing there, so firm and unbending, looking at her with hate in his eyes. She did this to him. Everything and everyone that came before her took him down one trail and she failed to help him see another.

The joking Noah turned back into that cold man everyone else saw when he started at Stuart Enterprises. He changed for her, maybe even for them, and earned the respect of every doubter. Now he had changed back to the cool operator who focused only on work and kept the softer side of himself locked away.

“I handled everything wrong.” She knew that now. Felt it with bruising clarity down to her toes.

“You gave up.”

“I didn’t know what else to do.” That was the truth. She kept running into walls. How many times could she bang into concrete before she got smart and walked around the wall?

“You could have changed me.”

Whatever answer she expected, it was not that one. “What?”

“You taught me everything else, including how to love again without worrying about failure or…”

Then she taught him that love inevitably died. Her path to the wrong way stood out, so easy for her to trace. “And?”

“You could have cared enough to teach me to be the man you needed me to be.”

A
s soon as the words left his mouth, Noah wanted to catch them and drag them back. He could not go down this road with her. They did not understand each other. Watching her walk away from him a second time taught him what he always suspected was true. That he could not hold on to a woman like Lexy.

He eased his grip on the back of his chair. Much harder and he would puncture the leather. Not that he cared. Not that the office would be his much longer anyway. He could not stay here. Could not be this close to everything he ever wanted and not attain it.

As soon as he launched this new division, he would start to back out and rebuild his life elsewhere. He owed Gray and the Stuarts the guarantee to finish what he had started. They took a chance on him and accepted him without limits. Something more than his former fiancée ever did. He would repay that debt to the rest of the Stuart clan before he moved on.

“I’ll call William and make an appointment to go over the plans.” Hell, he would meet with anyone if that meant Lexy would get out of his office.

“No.”

“What?” He looked at her then. Truly looked at her.

For a woman who finally made the break from him, she sure as hell did not appear happy about the fact. Her usually rosy cheeks now seemed hollowed out. She had lost weight. Fatigue pulled at her.

“Are you sick?” he asked, even though he did not want to care.

“Forget about William and the campaign and work.” She dropped the portfolio she had been holding and stepped forward until she stood just on the other side of his desk.

If she came any closer, he would lose it. His temper wanted to rage until he inflicted as much hurt on her as she had on him. The only thing preventing him from unleashing was a thin barrier of decency.

“Noah.”

He held up a hand to stop whatever she intended to say. “Don’t do this.”

“Noah, please.”

He could not handle this confrontation. Not now. Not on zero sleep, and when his insides were rubbed raw. “I can’t argue with you about this anymore.”

“Then don’t.” Unshed tears shimmered in her eyes.

Not crying. He could not tolerate seeing her cry. “You should go.”

“I want to stay.”

What the hell was happening here? “Your signals are all over the place. Whatever you want from me, I can’t give it to you.”

She walked around the desk, to his safety zone, and brushed her palm down his arm.

He felt the gentle touch from the inside out. “What are you doing?”

“Talking to you.”

“Do it from over there or by phone.” He rubbed his forehead. “Look, I don’t understand why you’re doing—”

“Apologizing.”

He shook his head to make sure he understood what she just said. “Did you just—”

“I’m sorry.” She tugged on his arm until he turned to face her. “You’re right.”

His head started spinning. “About?”

“I abandoned you.”

He had to be dreaming.

She lifted her hand to his cheek. Without thinking about it, he leaned in to her touch. The feel of her skin against his both soothed and burned him.

And her smell. That soft fragrance that scented her skin had played in his head every damn night since Utah. Now, with her standing just inches away, it filled his head until it possessed him.

“I don’t understand.” The whispered admission came out before he could stop it.

“That’s my fault.”

“Since when are you taking the blame for anything that’s gone wrong between us?”

Her eyes blinked shut. When they opened again, the pain and sadness were there for him to see.

Since he walked out of the bathroom and saw her standing there, all he could think about was the hurt she inflicted on him. He gave her everything and she brushed it off and walked away. The roiling anger and frustration piled up inside him in the two weeks since they parted until he did not have room for anything else.

“I deserved that.” She nodded her head when he started to talk. “No, I do. I was concerned with what I needed. I ignored your needs. I get that now.”

“I only needed you. Ever.”

“Past tense?”

He could not walk down this road again only to have her turn around and leave him. “What do you want me to say, Lexy? I’ve never hid my feelings for you.”

“Don’t do it now.”

But now was the one time he had to resist her. Just as he started to explain, she kissed him. A soft brush of her lips over his, but the caress was enough to burn through his resistance. Instead of pushing her away as he vowed to do every night as he sat alone in his house during the last two weeks, he pulled her close.

Fire raced through him as he grabbed her close and kissed her back. Lost in her scent and her mouth, he barely felt her arms come up to rest on his shoulders.

As the kiss went on, love and sorrow poured through him. But the feelings were not his, they were hers. He lifted his head. “What are we doing?”

“Starting over.” She brushed her thumb over his lips. “I love you.”

In the past, those words meant everything. Now they raised skepticism. Made his chest ache with uncertainty. “As you once told me, loving each other has never been the issue.”

A small smile turned up the corners of her mouth as she studied his face. “Let me ask you this.”

“What?”

“Can you try to let me in?”

“You were in.” He said that over and over, but she refused to believe it.

“I mean emotionally. Telling me everything and not just what you think I need to know or can handle. An actual full sharing of our lives and fears, hopes, and dreams.”

“I thought we were.”

“I’m about to punch you.”

He choked out a laugh. “That’s romantic.”

Her fingers speared into his hair in the way that always turned him weak and had him looking for a bed. Despite everything, this woman still held the power to bring him to his knees and make him reassess every promise he ever made to himself about staying in control.

“You still hold back, Noah. You love me, but treat me like you could lose me at any minute.”

“Gee, I wonder why,” he said in his driest tone.

This time she pinched him. “I’ll take responsibility for my part of this.”

“Which is?”

“Running when I should have stayed and fought for you.”

She had never admitted that before. For the first time, she owned up to her propensity in her personal life to deal with facts straight on rather than try to whitewash reality. “That sounds about right.”

“But you have to accept your part.”

“Which was?”

“Pushing me into running.”

His brain screamed out in denial. He wanted to explain for the hundredth time how his past did not matter, but he knew that was not true. He kept trying to sell the line, but no one bought it.

Sure, the details of his past were irrelevant to his life now. But who he was stemmed from those experiences, and the way he learned to deal with it all was keeping him from being with Lexy. He needed to own part of that. Even though he would rather blame her for not moving on, he had to take a second and wonder if he had really progressed as far as he always thought.

But there was a bigger issue at work here. “I can’t worry that you’ll walk out the door every single time I tick you off.”

“I’d be walking a lot if that were the case.”

“I’m serious.” Dead serious. He could not think of anything more important than this point.

“So am I.” She kissed his chin. “I’ll make a deal with you.”

The synapses in his brain continued to misfire as he struggled to keep up with her changing moods. “What?”

“You agree to live a little in the gray area. To not compartmentalize your life so I’m here.” She pressed one hand against one shoulder and the opposite hand against the other. “And you’re here.”

The knot across his shoulders eased a bit. “And in return?”

“I’ll stay and fight.”

A lightness flooded through him. He could not identify the feeling, but for the first time in days he felt the weight crushing him into the ground lift. “Why does there have to be a fight?”

“Oh, with us there will be fighting.” She pretended to frown, but her mouth kicked up in a smile. “No question.”

Despite having her in his arms, he still did not understand what the hell was going on. Not really. Something had changed and he could not figure it out. “So, now what?”

“We start over.”

“I have no idea what that means.” He didn’t. No clue.

“See, this is one of those times where being a bit less black-and-white would help you.”

“So would you speaking English.”

“Do you love me?”

There it was. She laid the gauntlet at his feet. He could play it safe and walk away before she did.

But he fell into the happiness pulsing from her instead. “Yes.”

“Can you forgive me for hurting you?”

That one was harder. The very male part of her wanted to tell her to screw off and leave him alone. He promised himself that was what he would say if this opportunity ever arose again. But he did not count on the feel of her skin and the look of love in her eyes. He certainly did not realize his heart could heal with hope.

“Never again, Lexy.”

“Promise.” She said the word so fast that he almost didn’t catch it.

But he believed her. Dope that he was, he let the happiness bubbling out of her infect him, too. She finally understood that she had caused some damage.

Now he had to take responsibility for his part of this mess. He roped his arms around her waist and pulled her so tight against him that she had to look up to see him. “Can you forgive me?”

“If you’re willing to try to change and understand why I need you to.”

Her parents and upbringing shaped her more than he realized until right that minute. He kept things close and quiet because he wanted to forget. She wanted openness because she never wanted to live in secret again. He got it now. And the fact they worked it out before it was too late sent all those doubts and all that anger rushing out of him.

“We’re talking about a mutual thing.” He understood that now. It would take both of them working and changing to make this work. If they failed, he would lose everything. So he vowed not to fail.

“A very mutual thing.” She nibbled on his neck and his doubts vanished.

Laughter swelled inside of him. “Now, when you say start over…”

Her kisses trailed up to ear. “Yeah?”

“How much of a start are we talking about?”

She pulled back and smiled up at him with all the wonder and love he ever wanted or needed. “I figure it will take us six months to plan the wedding.”

He picked her up until her feet dangled off the floor. Then he kissed her. Packed in there was the promise of a life together. Together they were better than they were apart.

“And time for therapy,” she said when they rose for air.

“What?”

“Just some counseling to help us start off right.”

“You’re ruining my good mood.” But she wasn’t. If Lexy needed them to work through everything with someone else, he would do it.

He doubted they would need much coaching. Now that they tasted life without each other, they’d fight to leave it behind forever.

“What do I get in exchange for going to this counseling?”

“A fiancée and a PR manager.”

All the broken pieces inside him healed. “I like the way you multitask.”

She wiggled her eyebrows. “Tough talk for a man who’s still wearing his pants.”

“Damn, I love you.”

The confession earned him another kiss. “I love you, too.”

His mind moved on to the makeup portion of the day. “Did you lock the door?”

“Of course.”

“Then let’s try a little multisomething.”

She laughed until he dragged her to the floor, then she moaned. Yeah, they were understanding each other just fine. He knew they would forever.