Hope for Us (Hope Series Book #3) (7 page)

I woke up the next morning and reached for my phone to call Jackson and resume our pre-game ritual, but I couldn’t bring myself to hit the call button. Turned out he didn’t need it.

The Cardinals won and Jackson played like a first round draft pick. Coach Crawford announced in the post-game press conference that Jackson would be the opening day starter. His performance sealed the deal, but Sampson made the decision easy for their coach. Sampson took over in the third quarter with the second team and in three series, he managed twenty yards and no first downs. After his second interception, even he knew his fate.

And due to his sideline temper tantrum, everyone relived it on
Sportcenter
the following week. Sampson went off on his wide receiver and tight end and Jackson stepped in and said something in his ear. Sampson tucked his tail between his legs and walked off the field and back into the locker room.

Jackson called me when he got home.

“What did you say to him?”

“I just asked him if this was really the lasting image he wanted going out over the airways.”

“Too late. It already looked bad.”

“I know. I kind of feel bad about that, but he’s a dick. Everyone knew it, now there's video proof.”

“Is he going to be able to back you up?”

“He has no choice, but I do have to play nice. I don’t get to choose my teammates.”

“You know he hit on me once.”

“He mentioned it.”

“What did he say?”

“Something about how he was done with you and he gave me permission to have you.”

“Son of a bitch.”

“I figured he was just fucking with me.” Jackson cleared his throat. “He was messing with me, right?”

“Of course. The partners took Adam and me out to dinner soon after we moved here. He came over and sat down at our table and all the lawyers sat back and listened to him tell story after story about his college heroics. It was kind of pathetic. After dinner, he asked me if I found it difficult keeping all those partners off my perfect ass. Said he would protect me for a piece.”

“Damn.”

“Mind you, he had his hand on my ass as he said this.”

“Well, you do have a great ass.” He chuckled. “It’s like round and firm and fits perfectly in my hand. I can understand—“

“Focus, Jackson.”

“Sorry. What did you say to him?”

"I just sort of squared up on him, looked him in the eye and said I’d rather be gangbanged by that group of lawyers before I’d let him touch my ass again.”

“Jeez, Carrington.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not as nice as I used to be.”

“I’m beginning to see that.”

“Oh, yeah. What do you see?”

“I don’t know. You’re kind of aggressive, and very direct. You’re such a badass.”

I remained quiet on the phone. Not sure how to respond to that.

“Don’t get me wrong. It’s hot as hell and you’re still you, just different.”

I spent a week in Los Angeles working on a contract negotiation. I made it back in town a few days before the season opener. On Friday night, Jack had a sleep over at a friend's house. I figured mommy could have one, too. I invited Jackson over for dinner.

He showed up right after practice and his fresh-showered clean scent woke up my senses. When I opened the door, he gripped the doorframe and leaned in to kiss me. His lips brushed against mine, and I knew in that second we were going to miss dinner again.

I jumped up and wrapped my legs around his waist. My arms snaked around his neck. He placed his hands on my ass and squeezed. I giggled and ran my lips over his stubble cheek and headed for his neck.

“Great ass,” he whispered and walked us through the living room straight to my bedroom.

When his knees hit the bed, he dropped me and stood up. I scooted to the edge, reached up and unbuttoned his pants. I pulled them down, eyed his growing hard on. I touched him over his underwear. He hummed in appreciation. I reached up and ran my other hand over his tight abs and up his broad chest. It looked like a sculpture. Not bulky, but fine lined and so beautiful. I squeezed his nipple and he winced. He grabbed my hand and raised it to his lips and kissed each one. I smiled and wrapped my fingers over his waistband and pulled it down. I flinched as his erection sprang forward, standing at attention.

“Talk about greatness,” I said.

He chuckled. It turned into a deep throat groan as my lips wrapped around him. I sucked on the head, licking all around. I pulled him into my mouth, a little at a time. I stopped and released him, watched it twitch, and listened to him moan in protest at the sudden loss of contact.

I took him in again and was about to release when his hand cradled the back of my head. I gave in and gave him what he wanted, taking him deep in my mouth until I didn’t think he had anywhere else to go.

Jackson must have thought different. He placed a hand on my check and caressed it so sweet, it made me moan and somehow it opened my throat and he pushed all the way in.

“Oh, fuck. Carrington.” He held my head there for a few seconds and then let go and slid out. I breathed through my nose as he slid halfway out. When his grip tightened in my hair, I took him all the way in. He pulsed back and forth a few times and let go. I relaxed my throat and held on for the ride.

I swear he grew harder as he pulsed in my throat and he groaned and gritted his teeth and it only made me want to take it further. I got off on making him feel out of control and in control at the same time.

“Baby, slow down,” he said, but he was talking to himself as he let go of my hair and pulled out. He leaned over and kissed me. Shoved his tongue in my mouth as he reached under my skirt and yanked my panties off. He picked me up and moved me to the middle of bed kissing me hard. I gripped his sides and dug my fingers in until they hurt from the pressure. I needed to feel something solid to ground me because it was all happening too fast. I felt so on the edge, but on the edge of what? 

Jackson knelt on the bed, pressed my knees back, and lined himself up at my entrance. He sat up and I followed, but the way he held me, I couldn’t move to meet him. He looked down at me and rubbed my cheek and my insides melted. I reached down and gripped him and guided him inside of me. I gasped as he held my gaze, daring me to look away. He filled me and I swayed closer to the edge of insanity.

Not a good feeling, but not a bad feeling, either. 

Jackson leaned over and laid perfect kisses on my lips and chin and neck as he pumped his hips into me. Slow at first, but he sped up and his kisses got more random and frantic. I felt a wave of panic overcome me, and I closed my eyes.

He stopped and shifted his weight on his heels and watched me. I exhaled and opened my eyes. I sat up, wrapped my arms around his neck, climbed up in to his lap and kissed him. He turned away and frowned. I pulled his face to me and he opened his mouth to speak and I kissed him hard. He wanted to stop and discuss, analyze, and I was not ready to go there with him. Not tonight.

“Fuck me,” I whispered as I reached down and stroked him. I made sure the lust would push any other rational thought out of his head.

He may have hesitated, if not for my hand on his dick stroking him into submission. I turned over and got on my hands and knees. He entered me from behind and it felt so good. Every time he pushed into me, he would pause and I would pulse on his dick like he did in my throat. The way he gripped my hips, I knew it drove him near that insanity line. At least, we were in the same place. He tried to hold back, but I didn’t want him to. I wanted him to take over and pound me. I got off on the panicked feeling.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I couldn’t see but could feel his frustration in the way he gripped my hips. I worked him up into another frenzy and he had no more patience. He pushed my down on the bed, flat on my stomach. With his hand on my lower back he pounded into me. He cried out, as he grew close. He wanted to finish but held back. 

I turned my head to look behind me and we locked eyes. His face scrunched up and he looked in pain physically and emotionally. I grabbed his hand and pulled him down to me. I contorted my body for him to kiss me. Our tongue tangled and I pulled away for one moment and begged, “Fuck me, Jackson.”

That was all it took. He latched onto my shoulder and buried himself in me as far as he could go. He let out a muffled scream into the bed next to where my head laid. His body spasmed, and he collapsed on my back. I reached around and ran my hand through his hair, massaging his scalp. He pulled out of me and fell over to his side.

I reached over and planted a kiss on his check and my lips linger there while he caught his breath.

My mind raced, but I remained quiet. I waited to see if he would speak. If he would ask what the hell happened. I wanted him to ask, but then again, I didn’t because I didn’t have an answer. I didn't want him to know that I was still hurting, that I was still damaged.

I had enough therapy in the last six years to know what happened. I panicked when someone controlled me. At the same time, I got off on begin controlled. When Jackson focused on me, it was too intimate and I couldn’t deal with all those emotions at the same time. I was too out of control, and I wasn’t ready for that.

My fucked-up, unstable brain chemistry played with my heart. It happened after meeting Josh and transformed into something strange and inexplicable after being betrayed by both him and Jackson. I wasn’t sure who had damaged me worse. With Josh, I understood how what he did messed me up, but with Jackson, the effect it had on my mental state was more complicated.

Since Josh, Jackson and I had been together three times. The first time, we took our time. We explored each other. The emotional connection was sweet and gentle. We had focused on making each other feel good. I trusted our feelings for each other. I trusted him.

The second time, more of the same even though it happened a few months later. The final time was both desperate and dirty, when we were done, I told him it was over.

When I found out he cheated on me, I didn’t trust all the feelings my heart and mind held onto because they were based on a lie. It shook me to the core worse than what Josh did to me.

Now, I didn’t want nice, gentle, and sweet because, deep down, I knew I didn’t deserve it.

He opened his eyes and did that thing where he studied every inch of my face for a clue. The man could read a defense, but he had lost the ability to read me and it crushed him. The saddest thing was he had no idea why.

When his breath became steady, I pulled his face towards me and kissed him with all the passion and feeling I could muster. He sighed and pulled me closer. I felt better that he felt something.

I felt nothing. 

My stomach growled and woke me up. I reached out for Carrington, but she was gone. I sat up and looked around, not having been in this room in the daylight.

I lay back on the queen-size bed and spotted a photo on the dresser against the wall; a photo of Carrington holding Jack when he was a baby, the first day she held him.  He spent the first few weeks of his life in an incubator.

On her arm, she wore a soft cast and I could make out the edge of the scar on her temple, but the bruises had faded. I had already left to go back home for the summer, but I came back to Tallahassee one last time to see her before she headed home to Dallas. I had thought to myself that I might never see her again.

Look at us now.

I scooted to the edge of the bed and found my clothes in a pile where I left them. My groin ached thinking about last night. I grabbed my jeans and hoped once I peed it would relieve some of the tension.

It helped a little. I looked in the mirror at the indention her nails made on my sides. They weren’t that noticeable, but they were sore. At some point last night, Carrington clamped down and held on for dear life. I might have gotten a little carried away, but it had been so long since we’d been together. Not to mention a month’s worth of sexual tension.

I tried to slow it down, but she’d reassured me in small ways that she was into it. I hoped I read the signals correctly. I washed my face and got dressed. The smell from the kitchen grew strong, and my stomach protested. We missed dinner last night. I sucked it up and headed out to face her.

She had cooked breakfast so last night couldn’t have been that bad.

As she pulled a pot off the stove, a moment of Deja vu hit me as she stood there in burgundy shorts and a black tank top. She wore these weird moccasin slippers with the FSU emblems on the heels.

“Nice slippers.”

She dropped the spoon and it clanked on the floor.

“Shit. Jackson.” She bent down to pick it up and when she stood up, she smiled. I relaxed.

We were okay.

She threw the spoon in the sink and walked over to my side of the counter. I sat down on the stool and she stood between my legs and wrapped her arms around my neck. She gave me a determined peck on the lips and then hugged me tight. I exhaled as I pulled her close, relieved to feel her in my arms, and pushed any doubt or fear about last night out of my head. I chalked it up to two people who had been holding it in for so long feeling comfortable to let ourselves go. It was so different the other times we’d been together, but that was five years ago. We were both so young and in different places back then.

“Good morning,” she said in my ear, and I squeezed her tighter. She giggled and my heart smiled and my nerves dissipated. “You hungry?”

“Starving.”

“Since we can’t seem to make it through dinner, maybe we can try breakfast.” She nibbled on my neck and the tension in my pants returned.

“Not if you keep kissing me like that.”

“Tell me to stop.”

“Fuck that.” I lifted her onto the counter and took her face in my hands. I gazed into her eyes, which pulled me in and made me want to kiss her and never stop. My hands travel down to her breasts and her nipples strained against the fabric of her top. I went to grab the bottom of her shirt when the front door opened followed by footsteps.

“Mama.”

I pushed away from her and turned as Jack came running around the corner.

Carrington leaped off the counter and stood in front of me and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Jack, what are you doing here?”

“I live here.” He stopped in his tracks. “Jackson, what are you doing here?”

“Uh, your mom volunteered to feed me.”

“Cool,” he said.

Carrington walked over and gave him a hug and kissed him on the top of his head.

“You okay? You sleep okay?"

“Yes.”

“You hungry?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Good, go run and put your stuff up in your room. Breakfast will be ready in a minute.”

Jack ran over and gave me a hug before heading upstairs.

The kid moved fast. He would make a heck of an athlete.

When we heard him on the stairs, we both turned to each other and laughed.

“Quick thinking about breakfast.”

“He doesn’t have to know it was supposed to be dinner.”

“Maybe I was inviting you over for both.” She bit her lip. I groaned and I wanted her again. Jack would return any minute. Not enough time for me do what I wanted, so I stole a quick kiss and sat down at the table before I got myself into any more trouble.

Carrington and I never had another moment alone the whole morning. Even at the door, we had time for a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. I took what I could get. I left around eleven o’clock. I had enough time to head home and get a quick shower and pack for the game before I needed to pick up my parents and brothers up at the airport.

I needed some time with them before I had to leave for the team hotel. I had to tell them about Carrington, and I wasn’t sure how they were going to handle the news.

Carrington and my mother hit it off the first time they met, but that might have been because my mom felt sorry for her and what she had been through. My parents had treated Josh like a son and his death affected them hard, but they didn’t know Carrington the way I did. When I told them back then how I felt about her, my mother accepted it, but warned me. She wanted the best for me, and Carrington made me happy. So, when Carrington called it off, it pissed my mom off, and my mother loved everyone. Carrington was the first girl I ever talked to them about and my mother knew it would be hard for me to let her go.

She was right.

Accepting that Carrington and I were done was the hardest thing I ever faced in my life. Even harder than coming to terms with Josh’s death. Football saved my life on both accounts.  I let it consume me and remind me that I could control something on the planet. I threw myself into it, pun intended.

I knew one thing; there was no way I could do it again.

My oldest brother walked out of the airport exit with his phone in his ear, followed by my middle brother who flicked him in the back of the head. They hadn’t changed. Stephen, a former Ohio State football player, practiced copyright law in Washington DC. He and I looked alike.

My middle brother, Patrick, had no athletic ability whatsoever. He played piano in a jazz band in New Orleans. He toured with some famous jazz musician. No one I had ever heard of, but it was Jazz. I tried to catch his shows whenever I could; he was so freaking talented.

We got our work ethic from our dad. My parents were proud of us, which made life a hell of a lot easier to deal with.

“I don’t know why we didn’t rent a car or you could have had Brenden come and pick us up,” my mother said. She released my dad’s hand long enough to hug me.

"It's fine. I wanted a chance to see you guys before I had to leave for the hotel.”

“Son, how you doing? You ready for tomorrow?” my dad asked hugging my neck.

“Yes, sir.”

Patrick attacked me with a bear hug, and I winced as he grazed the spot where Carrington had nicked me.

“Hey Mr. NFL QB.”

“You’re such an idiot.” Stephen said as he pushed Patrick out of the way and gave me a hug. “Hey man, you good?”

“I am. It’s good to see you guys.” I looked around. “Where’s Natalie and whoever it is you’re dating these days?” I pointed to Patrick.

“It’s just us. I thought it would be nice, the five of us,” my mother said and wiped her eyes, “together again.”

“Yeah, besides, Nat isn’t in the mood to travel. In fact, she’s not in the mood to move at all.”

“That’s what happens when you knock a girl up with twins.”

“She’s my wife, dimwit; it’s not like I knocked up some intern in my office.”

“But wasn’t she your secretary?”

“Not mine.” Stephen pushed Patrick in the chest. “Shut up.”

“Come on, boys, get in the car. You’re making a scene,” Mom said.

I watched my dad open the back passenger side door for my mom. When she got situated, he leaned in and gave her a kiss before shutting it and sliding in the passenger seat next to me. My parents were the coolest couple. I watched them, envied what they had. They held hands and kissed all the time. I watched them at parties or events and they checked on each other throughout the evening. It never failed, at some point, the two of them would be huddled up together, leaning into each other whispering and laughing like they were the only two people in the world. That was what I wanted.

My dad often told us how Mom didn’t change him; she was the only woman he wanted to change for.

Do I want to change for Carrington?

“Why are you so quiet?” my dad asked.

“No reason. I’m thinking.”

“You nervous about tomorrow?”

“No. Well, a little, but that’s not what I’m thinking about.”

“Okay, now I’m worried. You should have your head in the game,” Mom said. 

“You know. I have a little more prep to do tonight, but I’m ready. I don’t think I’ve ever been more calm and confident about a football game. I don’t know. Things kind of aligned. I had to win the team over and I did. The coaches and my teammates have confidence in me and we get better every time we step on the field.”

“Sounds good. So, what’s wrong,” Dad said.

“What makes you think something is wrong?” I asked.

“Well, because I’m your father and I created you. So I know when something isn’t right with you.”

“Well, it’s not wrong … exactly.”

“What is it exactly?” Mom asked.

“Okay, I need to tell you guys something. I don’t want you to be shocked when you get to the game tomorrow.”

My brothers got quiet in the back, and I had their undivided attention.

“I invited someone to the game tomorrow.”

“Oh, yeah. Is she hot?” Stephen hit Patrick in the back of the head. “Ouch.”

“Well, stop being an ass.”

“Stephen, language,” Mom said. “Seriously, if you two don’t stop, I’ll have Jackson turn this car around and you both can get back on a plane and head home.”

“Dad, he started it,” Patrick said and I cringed at the whine in his voice.

“You act more like eight than twenty-eight,” Dad said shaking his head at his sons.

“Guys." I yelled and everyone stopped. "Carrington’s coming to the game tomorrow.”

Everyone got quiet and no one spoke for a long time.

“Did you hear me?” I watched my brothers in the rearview mirror exchange a glance. My mom’s hand covered her mouth. They acted like I told them someone died. My dad spoke first. 

“I didn’t realize the two of you were in touch,” Dad said. 

“Well, funny story. Carrington … she’s here.”

“What do you mean, here?” Dad said.

“She lives here … in Arizona.” I cleared my throat, “She moved here a little over a year ago.” 

“You came out here for her?” Patrick asked.

“Dude, are you really that stupid? He was traded. He didn’t have a choice of where he went.” Stephen said as he touched my shoulder. “Did you?”

“No. I didn’t. It’s a pure coincidence that we ended up here together.”

“Are you two …” my mother swallowed and her eyes darted around looking for the appropriate word, “together?”

The entire back set leaned forward waiting for my response.

“Sort of.”

They all collapsed into the seat and shook their heads. I didn’t think it was possible to disappoint them all at the same time, but I succeeded.

I had always been an over achiever like that.