Hope for Tomorrow (17 page)

“
Tired.”

“
Can you drink some more milk?”

“
I don't want any.”

“
We have ample food for everyone now, you must start eating again.”

“
The baby-”

“
I made up some pap and he's already had his first meal. Please, drink it for me.”

Lizzy turned onto her side, took the offered cup and sipped the liquid.

“
Do you feel up to anything more?” she asked as her mother handed the cup back. “We're making stew.”

“
I'm tired.” Lizzy shook her head.

“
Then you sleep,” Martha said, leaning forward to place a kiss on her mother's cheek.

Martha took her cloak off the bed and covered Lizzy with the blankets that she'd brought up.

When she got back downstairs she picked Jack up and poured some of his milk mix into the pap boat that had been in the baby box. She sat down in a chair by the fire with him and slowly fed him the mixture.

She didn't notice Lucien looking over at her, wondering what she had looked like while holding their baby. She had a small, encouraging smile on her lips as she fed him and spoke to him in a soothing, low voice.

As he drank the milk, Martha noticed for the first time that he had a tooth, so when he was finished with his milk, she pulled his lips back and was shocked to find that he had a lot more than one.

“
Mary, how old is Jack?”

“
He's a few months past a year, I think.”

“
A year?” Her mouth dropped open.

“
Why?”

“
Because he's half the size he should be and he isn't even trying to crawl yet. How old is Ben?”

“
Um,” Mary looked scared. “He's about two and a half.”

Martha passed the baby to Sarah. “Watch him for a while, will you?”

Martha headed out into the back garden where Alf, John and the twins were running around, clearly loving their new setting. They stopped as they saw her approach because her expression was murderous.

“
Jack, why are the babies so underfed that they are half the size they should be, the others are malnourished and your mother is starving herself so that they can have food while you are almost overweight! As the person in charge of this family, please explain to me how that happens?”

Jack stuffed his hands in his pockets and shuffled his feet.

“
What d'you want me t'say? I was 'ungry.”

Martha took a deep breath.

“
Where's my change from the coal this morning and the receipt?”

He shuffled his feet some more and mumbled something.

“
Excuse me?” she asked.

“
I lost it.”

“
The money or the receipt?”

“
Both.”

Her temper overwhelmed her then and she slapped him.

“
I should kick you out of this house right now because if you prey on your family during its misfortunes then you don't deserve to enjoy their good fortune. Tomorrow you are going to get a job, you're more than old enough now but for tonight you can go to your room and stay there, you won't be joining us for dinner this evening.”

John looked murderous.

“
It's your choice. If you live in a house that I pay for, then you live by my rules but you are welcome to leave at any time.”

John stomped off into the house while Alf stood silently, unwilling to risk her anger.

“
Come on,” she said, putting her arm around his shoulders and guiding him back inside with her.

“
Are you really not going to let 'im eat with us?”

“
I'm really not,” she confirmed, “but I'll send him up some bread and butter. I won't let him starve.”

The twins followed them inside and Martha suggested the boys play in the other downstairs room for a while. Martha took the baby back from Mary and held him close. For some reason, there was great comfort to be taken from a baby.

The girls and Lucien were all staring at her much like they used to stare at their father after one of his angry outbursts.

“
I'm not sorry,” Martha said. “He made sure that he was well fed while you all starved.”

Lucien got off the bench and suggested that they take a walk. Martha knew that she was frightening the girls and needed to calm down, so she nodded her agreement. She wasn't willing to give the baby up yet though, so she wrapped Jack in a shawl and they set off through the front door. They walked in silence for a while as Martha took in the hamlet around them.

There were about fifteen houses in the hamlet covering approximately half a mile. These houses were old and had probably been here for a hundred and fifty years or more and so they weren't built in rows as the newer housing was.

“
You're going to tell me that I overreacted,” Martha finally spoke. “That I inherited my father's temper.”

“
Actually, no.”

“
Then why did you bring me out here?”

“
Because you looked upset.”

“
I am upset,” she said. “I am no better than John; I thought that I could just throw some money at them and everything would be okay. I should have come back sooner.”

“
They put you out to work at the age of ten, don't forget.”

“
Most children work from that age,” she argued.

“
Perhaps but they sent you to live in someone else's home. They left you to get on with your life and washed their hands of you, aside from taking the money you gave them even though you earned very little. I would say that you have been overly generous in your support of your family.”

“
You don't understand,” Martha sighed. “I'm the oldest, I'm the responsible one. Just like John should have been responsible as the eldest left at home.”

“
But that's the difference, he was here and you weren't.” He could see that he wasn't getting through to her. “Martha, did your family help you at all after our fight?”

She didn't answer.

“
I know that you feel responsible because you have a good heart but the fault here is not yours, I promise. What if you had come back sooner?” he pressed on. “What if your aristocratic clients had discovered your big secret? Because that John would sell you out in a heartbeat!”

“
I just can't stand to see them suffering.” Martha sighed.

“
I know but you are here now and putting things right.”

“
It's just...”Martha sighed. “Do you know, I actually don't have much of a temper anymore,” she said. “I have worked hard to become logical and less emotional but being back here, it's just so easy to fall back into old patterns,”

“
All old patterns?” he asked with a hint of longing in his voice.

“
Don't. I actually quite like you at the moment, please don't spoil it.”

“
I'm sorry. You are wrong though,” he told her. “You were always logical; I loved how sharp your mind was and if you have tried to become less emotional, I'm sorry to have to tell you that you failed.”

“
Please, you've seen me for a few hours in trying circumstances. I hardly think that makes you an expert on me.”

“
I'm not basing my opinion on what I've seen today.”

“
Then what are you basing it on? Surely you don't think our encounter in the shop was enough to judge by?”

“
No,” he smiled slightly. “If you really must know, it's because of Gus. That man cares deeply for you and I'm damn sure he wouldn't care for a cold, emotionless person. Besides, I've seen your eyes when you talk about Hope and I think that she's probably the most loved child in England.”

“
Thank you,” Martha smiled at the compliment. “But you still can't meet her.”

“
There you are again,” he said. “You probably think that you're being logical and cold towards me but the truth is, while there certainly is logic behind your reasoning, your words stem from your desire to protect Hope in case I... well in case I should hurt her as I once hurt you.”

Martha frowned and clutched Jack tighter to her breast.

“
I am sorry, you know. If I could do that day over again, things would be very different.”

“
Don't lie to yourself,” she answered tersely.

He let her rebuke go without an answer.

“
Did you read the journal I sent you?”

“
No, I... that is your private journal, I have no business reading it.”

“
I have no secrets, not from you, my love.”

“
Don't call me that.”

“
I'm sorry.”

They lapsed into silence for a while as they rounded the well in what was roughly the centre of the village and turned for home.

“
What's the rent on the house and how much do I owe you for the rent that you have been paying on my mother's behalf?” Martha asked, preferring to get their conversation back onto business matters.

“
The rent here is four shillings a week. I would have to check how much I gave the landlord.”

Martha supported Jack with one arm and reached for her purse but Lucien stilled her hand with his own.

“
There is time for that later,” he assured her. “For tonight, enjoy your family.”

Martha realised that he didn't want their conversation to turn away from the personal but she was adamant that she had already said too much.

“
I will need a doctor to come and check Mother and the children. Can you recommend someone? Someone who might be willing to associate with a family such as mine, that is.”

“
Dr. McCoy visits my father frequently. I believe he is due again tomorrow; I can ask him to stop in on his way back to the village.”

“
Are you certain that he will be willing?”

“
If he wishes to be retained as our family doctor, he will be.”

Martha sighed.

“
I've upset you,” he guessed. “What have I done now?”

“
You still think that your position gives you power over other people's lives, that you can click your fingers and they will come running. And they do come running, I suppose but who are you to decide this doctor's principles for him, just because he has medical knowledge and you have the money to buy his services.”

“
Money buys a lot more than knowledge, as you have no doubt seen for yourself, however I will not feel bad for using what advantages I have been given to aid those I... those that I care about. I must however point out that you also seem to believe that you can discharge any gratitude you may feel towards me for my help with money.”

“
I am merely trying to pay you what you are owed.”

“
And I have said many times that I want no payment. If indeed moral debts can be discharged with money, then looking after your family is my attempt at recompense for not having taken care of you.

“
You owe me nothing, nor do I want anything from you,” she assured him.

“
Are you saying that you forgive me?”

“
No.”

“
Then I shall continue to endeavour to earn your forgiveness.”

“
I would really rather you didn't.” She stopped and turned to face him.

“
Why?” he stopped and faced her also. “Are you afraid that I might succeed?”

“
No.” She started forward once again, feeling uncomfortable under his gaze.

“
Martha, please,” he caught her upper arm to stop her. “All I'm asking is for a chance to make things right. I can't make you forgive me, I won't even try if that's what you want but just... oh, I don't know. Is it possible for you to try not to see me as the devil? To not go looking for ulterior motives and just...” he wanted to say 'start afresh' but he knew that wasn't possible. “I'm not that foolish young boy any more and I would very much like the opportunity to prove that to you.” 

She looked into his eyes and could see the silent plea that they held.

“
Very well,” she answered with remarkable serenity.

“
Do you mean that?” he sounded hopeful.

“
I do, with a few caveats.”

“
Anything.”

“
First of all, I would like to make it clear that I will never be 'yours' in any way shape or form. Any relationship that might develop will never progress beyond a friendship.”