Hope Farm (17 page)

I wanted to get my licence so I could drive legally. I knew how to drive, Randal taught me so I could help on the long trips in the van. In the back of my mind I had the idea that if I saved up enough money I could buy a car maybe I could start a business on my own selling things at markets like Randal had, I knew how to make the soap and candles. I went to the place where they did the tests but they said I needed proper identification like a birth certificate or a passport. I just went back to the ashram and kept working, I didnt think about it for a long time. Then one Saturday morning I said I had an appointment, I left Silver with the house mother and I caught the bus to Toowoomba then another bus to my parents house. I didnt even know if they lived there any more but then I saw the car in the drive, the same car still. I stood across the road for a long time. The vacant block wasnt vacant any more, there was a whole house there it looked newer than the other houses on the street but it didnt look that new. That was when I realised how long it had been, seven years. My father had taken care of the car, it looked almost the same just a bit faded. There was a kids bike lying in the drive way of number fourteen, I wondered if he still lived there if that bike belonged to his kid but it didnt make me feel any thing much. I had never thought about him even when I saw things in Silver that didnt come from me I never thought of them as having come from him, like the parts of her that were different belonged to her only. It was winter and I had a coat on, I tugged it straight and did up the belt I smoothed my hair and crossed the road I went up the path without stopping and rang the bell. My father opened the door. He looked so old. He stared at me for a while then I said Its me, and he said Bloody hell and then he said my old name, it was strange to hear it after so long. Well what do you know? he said. Come in, Lindas on her way actually. I stayed where I was. What about Mum? I said. Oh he said and looked around like he thought she might be hiding some where. Well … But then I heard a car, the slam of its door and heels clicking up the path and it was Linda. Sorry Im late she called, I had to catch up on a Biology prac and my lab partner didnt … Then she saw me. She froze and stared like my father had. Then Oh my goodness she said, Oh my goodness and she came forward and grabbed me and squeezed me close. She was taller than me she was so tall she smelled like shampoo and perfume she was like a grown woman in her long boots and a miniskirt, I would not have known her if Id seen her in the street. Look at you! she said. Come in, you girls said my father, Get out of the cold Linda, you havent got enough clothes on. I looked past him down the hall, I wondered where my mother was. Its all right Linda whispered, Shes not here. She took my arm and made me go in.

The house smelled the way it always had except sort of stale, the carpets looked like they needed a clean and the furniture was much shabbier than I remembered. We went in to the kitchen. My father tried to say some thing but he couldnt he got his hanky out and kept blowing his nose then he left the room. Mums sick said Linda. Shes in a hospice now, its cancer, she doesnt have long to go. In the light I saw the dark circles under her eyes, she was thin and I could see her collar bones under her shirt. Still it didnt seem real to me, I kept expecting my mother to come in to take off her hat to look at the floor and say What a mess what a state this place is in, to go to the cupboard and get out the carpet sweeper. It didnt seem possible that this house could exist without her. I will make some tea said Linda, So did Dads message finally get through? I said What message? He went looking for you said Linda, He went to Brisbane and waited in the city for those, for your … people and he asked if they knew you, he took a photo to show and everything. He asked them to get you to contact us. I didnt hear I said. Ive been away. Oh said Linda, Have you left the, the … are you no longer a member? She smiled, she looked so happy. I knew it! she said, I read this book on cults and it said that even highly intelligent people could be brainwashed but still I always thought — Its not a cult I said, they didnt brainwash me. Oh. She looked confused she turned to the bench. Its just she said, You were always so smart I could never understand why you just suddenly decided to go off and … My father came back in then just as I realised. At first I didnt even feel angry I just couldnt believe it. I stared at him. My voice came out very quiet. You never told Linda? I said. Told me what? said Linda. My father put his hands in his pockets and then took them out again. Well he said, Your mother — Dont blame it on her I said quickly and the anger was there then it sprang up and hissed in my voice and they both went quiet. The kettle gurgled and switched itself off. I breathed slowly trying to calm my voice. I said, I came to get my birth certificate, can I have it please. My father stood there for a while then he said Oh. Then he said Yes, yes of course. He went out again to his study. What didnt he tell me? said Linda. I looked at her with her nice clothes and her shampooed hair her university classes her car, I thought about the damp room in the ashram where there werent enough blankets on the bed and it was always a bit too cold where I would get up in the morning to dress Silver in her second hand clothes and rush her down to school before a day of pamphlets or workshop, rushing back to pick her up then help prepare dinner and sit through satsang then put her to bed before rushing off to the other job. Linda said my old name. I looked at her. I could feel how hard my face was. Ishtar I said. What? My name is Ishtar. I thought of the goddess with her bow and arrow her strength her cruel beauty. Linda just stared. Then my father came back with an envelope. What didnt you tell me? Linda said to him. I took the envelope, I went towards the hallway then I stopped. Answer me one thing I said. Is she sorry for what she did to me? Has she ever said that? He just stood there. I didnt think so, I said. He started to cry then, he got his hanky out again. Maybe if she saw you he said. I went to the door. Wait called Linda, Let me drive you. I will catch the bus I said. Wait she called again, she ran after me, she stopped at the door. Its called Hillcrest, she called as I went down the path. The hospice, its in Rockville.

Miller went off with Dawn in the car quite a few times, and I heard one of the women report to Val that she'd seen them at the bank in town, and both women made knowing faces at each other.

Then one Saturday afternoon there was a low, meaty engine sound from the direction of the dirt road and someone gave a yell, and then everyone rushed out onto the porch in time to see Miller come trundling down the driveway on a blue tractor that blazed with newness, every bit of chrome dazzling, the paintwork spotless, even the zig-zagged treads of its giant tyres twinkling, black and fresh in the sun. From high in the seat he waved, jouncing and grinning, then reached to honk the horn.

Jindi shrieked and squirmed with excitement, and had to be held back from running down the steps and into the path of the huge contraption, which Miller guided, elbows wide, round the side of the house. Once released, Jindi ran after him, followed by Val and a small group of others. Ishtar, who had been one of the last to come out onto the porch, went back inside.

I was left with two women — Rita, Jez's girlfriend, and Sue, who often helped Val in the kitchen and who I'd once heard say about Ishtar that, ‘she thinks she's the bee's fucken knees.' It had been Rita who'd reported on Miller and Dawn's activities in town. Now the two exchanged glances, and Rita said, ‘So that's what they were doing at the bank.'

Sue grinned. She had a tooth missing on one side. ‘Yeah,' she said. ‘And now we know what he sees in her, miserable little scrubber that she is.'

‘Oh she's loaded,' said Rita. ‘Rolling in it. You can tell just by the look of her. And did you see the suitcases? I saw when he was carrying them in. All matching, and they've got her initials on them in little gold letters.'

I never got my licence. I hadnt realised there was a written test for it. I didnt bother trying, it cost money and I knew I would fail. I went to the pension office to ask about the single mothers pension and they said I had to be living alone not with a man. I tried to explain there were men at the ashram but I wasnt with any of them but they said Who pays for things where you live? I tried to explain. They said Are you the sole provider in the household? No I said, But — You need to be the sole provider they said. At the big bus terminal while I was waiting for mine I saw the bus for Toowoomba again. I decided to walk, my own bus wasnt coming and I had to get back I needed to get Silver from school.

I met some people at the markets. They were heading north they said, they were going to set up a commune and run a farm to support themselves. I should have known it would come to nothing the way they talked all these ideas but no real plan. Still I gave them my money put it in the pool for farming equipment for supplies, I guess I just wanted to get away. They came to pick me up, it wasnt early morning this time and I didnt have to sneak out I just said I needed to go and thanks. They came around lunchtime they had two cars and a van travelling in convoy. There was a nice house mother at that time, Kharna she was called. I liked her she was the only one I was sad to leave. She waved from the doorway, it was just her, everyone else was at work. She was an Indian woman she was a teacher as well as house mother so she wore the robes they were bright against her dark skin her palm pink when she waved. Silver cried and that surprised me she hardly ever cried she must have realy liked Kharna too. Dont cry I whispered, We are going to a new place some where good youll be happy. She twisted away her face close to the window looking back. We drove through the streets we drove along the highway and Silver fell asleep. Someone passed a joint and flying down the road with the sun through the trees I felt like my body was disintegrating in to particles to join with the world. I was released from work from the ashram all damp and quiet from the city from buses to Toowoomba it was a new start a new beginning it was like every one before and all the ones that would come after. I ignored the crawling pit of doubts, I leapt across and went rushing in to the light.

I woke to footsteps outside my door.

‘What's going on?' came a voice, and there was an indistinct reply. Then I registered properly the other sound, which was already there, writhing faintly in the black of my sleep, and had now increased in volume. Someone was screaming, a dreadful, thin sound, breaking off every now and then into speech, which was stabbing, accusatory. There was a second voice too, lower, lapping in long, deep, soothing strokes — Miller's.

The space beside me on the mattress was empty. I got up and went out into the hallway.

The screaming was coming from the front room — Val and Gav and Sue were clustered at the doorway, looking in, Val and Sue both in shapeless men's pyjamas, Gav's hairy white calves poking from the bottom of a robe. The purplish-blue blanket that hung in the doorway had been torn down and lay in a puddle between the feet of the onlookers, and Miller, Dawn, and Ishtar.

‘Let go of me!' Dawn was shrieking. Her thin arms were raised, bare and shockingly pale, her tiny fists clenched. She had some kind of nightdress on, flimsy and short — her legs thrashing as she struggled against Miller's grip. ‘Let go!'

‘Dawn, Dawn.' Miller drew her to his chest, which I saw now was bare, furred with a shorter layer of the same coppery fuzz that grew from his head. I glimpsed also his muscled thighs — he was either naked or very close to it.

‘Let go of me,' sobbed Dawn. Then she sagged in his arms. Her breaths were loud and rough.

‘Dawn, darling, it's all right, you've had a bad dream.'

‘What dream?' Dawn threw herself sideways. ‘I wasn't dreaming! I saw!'

‘Dawn, please, you mustn't get upset.'

Dawn made another effort to get out of his grasp, lunging towards Ishtar. When she spoke again the words crackled like water in a hot pan: ‘You bitch, you slut, you get away from here and don't come back. Worming your way in while I was lying there ill.'

Ishtar had her back to me, the glimmering flesh of her shoulders visible each side of the veil of long hair. She had something wrapped round her — it looked like a man's shirt; I could see one of the sleeves dangling — and her legs were also bare below it.

‘No, no, darling,' Miller was saying. ‘Nothing happened, you imagined it, you were dreaming.'

Dawn's fingers raked in Ishtar's direction. ‘Come here,' she said, ‘just let me get my hands on you, let me have another go at that face. You think just because you're beautiful you can get anything you want? You think you can have my husband, right in front of me?' She fell back again, sobbing, and when Miller — who, I saw before I had a chance to look away, was completely naked — began to guide her towards the doorway, she let him. Gav, Sue, and Val made room for them to pass, and I crept quickly back to the dark safety of the Joni Mitchell room and into bed. I left the door open though, and watched — through slitted eyes, to protect myself from the full sight of Miller nude — as they passed.

‘I couldn't find you,' Dawn was saying. ‘I woke up, and —'

‘Shh, shh.'

‘Don't you shush me!' She resisted for a moment, pushing back against him. ‘I know what I saw. Don't think I —'

‘Come on now, let's get you back into bed. You shouldn't be out in this cold.'

He got her moving again and they passed out of sight and hearing. Soon afterwards there were more footsteps, and Gav and Sue appeared. ‘Wow,' said Gav. ‘Heavy shit.'

Sue giggled, a rising, frothing sound.

‘Oh shut up, you two,' came Val's voice. ‘Come on, show's over. I'm going back to bed.'

There was a bit more shuffling back and forth, and then all went quiet.

I lay awake for a while, waiting, but Ishtar didn't come in. She must have gone to sleep in the front room, on the mattress there.

The next morning she was in the kitchen as usual, putting out plates and bowls while Val stirred the porridge. She had her hair pulled round to hang over one shoulder, and I saw that under it there were two long scratches down the side of her face, a dark crumb of dried blood near the top of one of them.

Sue and Gav, sleep-bleared, made no mention of what had happened. I saw glances sliding round though, and Val, leaning at her station against the sink, had the look of a teacher keeping order.

Eventually the room cleared, leaving me, watchful over my bowl of cold porridge, Ishtar, and Val. Ishtar ran the tap, pushing back the sleeves of her jumper.

Val seemed to be about to say something, but then the door opened and Miller stepped in. Val looked over at me, shrugged, tucked her chin under in a disapproving kind of way, and left the room. A moment later a protesting squawk came from the hallway — Jindi — and then Val's growl: ‘No, you can't go in there.'

Ishtar glanced over her shoulder. ‘You'll miss the bus, Silver.'

I stayed where I was, staring down at my porridge, half expecting her to follow up, to order me to leave. It didn't happen though, and then I was stuck, wondering if I wanted to hear what they were going to say after all.

‘I'm sorry about last night,' began Miller. ‘Poor Dawn, she gets confused. Her moods are very fragile. And sometimes she misunderstands and then she gets herself in such a state —'

‘You said she was all right with it.' Ishtar's voice was barely audible above the slosh of water — she hadn't stopped washing the dishes. ‘With us.'

Miller moved closer, put a hand low on her back. ‘She's like a child. One day she understands something, the next day she doesn't, she's forgotten, it's gone.' The hand moved up, the fingers in her hair. ‘But it doesn't matter what she knows or thinks. What matters is us. We've got the tractor now, just think what we can get done with this place. There's still time to get crops in for this season.'

Ishtar scrubbed and rinsed, and put the dishes in the rack. Her reddened hands shone under frills of bubbles.

Miller's voice dropped. His fingers moved in her hair like baby rats in a nest. ‘She won't always be here, you know. She'll manage a bit longer under my care, but then eventually she always needs to go back. Last year she was in hospital five months.'

Ishtar's elbows kept up their in-and-out gliding and the pile of dishes rose.

‘Ishtar?'

I wished I had left the room when I had the chance. Now everything was so quiet I didn't dare move.

‘Ishtar?' Miller's woolly head nuzzled at her. ‘If it's about the money, I can get it for you.'

‘When?' Her voice was like something dragging over gravel.

‘In a month.'

‘All of it?'

He pushed her hair aside, kissed her neck. ‘Of course.'

She stopped doing the dishes and turned towards him, her wet hands held out from her sides. She kept them there as he crawled his kisses up along her jaw and to her mouth. Her body stayed stiff, but when he got to her mouth her eyes closed and her head went back, yielding.

I slipped out of my chair and crept away.