Hooked (10 page)

Q: Sometimes, I just want to leave my family. But where can I go?

A:
The answer to this question depends on your circumstances. If you're still a minor, your local child protection service will help you find somewhere to go. Oftentimes, they'll find you a home with another family member—an aunt, uncle, or grandparent. But if that's not a safe arrangement, they'll find you somewhere else to stay.

If you're older, but not yet ready to live completely on your own or support yourself, there are programs designed to help you too. Generally called youth services programs, they can be found in most regions, and are usually aimed at those who are sixteen and older. Youth services typically work at finding housing and work for their clients, and may be able to arrange educational supports. Please do everything you can to access the help provided by these programs before leaving home. Generally speaking, kids who head out on their own without some kind of safety net in place don't do very well.

Q: How common is it for the children of addicts to become addicts? I'm worried it might happen to me.

A:
Statistically speaking, the children of addicts have a much higher chance of becoming addicts than the average person. But knowing that can go a long way. If you're worried about becoming an addict, treat drugs, alcohol, and addictive behaviors (for example, gambling, gaming, and social networking) with great care. Think of addiction in the same way that people think of conditions like diabetes. If you come from a family where diabetes is really common, you may learn to eat less junk food and watch your weight to stay healthy. So if you come from a family where addiction is really common, why not steer clear of things that have the potential to be addictive?

Q: What will people think of us if my family member's addiction is discovered?

A:
Chances are, no one's opinion of you will change all that much. If anything, you're much more likely to be greeted with sympathy and support than with ridicule or judgment. We live in a society where a growing number of people are likely to say, “That's good to know, how can I help you?” The first step to getting that help lies in getting the words out over your lips to someone you trust. The longer you remain silent, the harder it may be to speak up when someone asks you the difficult question, “What's going on with you and your family?” Generally speaking, you can't begin healing until you've told someone about your family member's addiction. So the earlier you spill the beans, the sooner that healing process can start. If the first person you tell doesn't handle the news in the way you'd like, don't let that stop you from trying again. Soon, you'll tell someone who will be supportive of you.

Q: I want to speak up about my family member's addiction, but I'm afraid that if I do, he or she will be punished or
separated from me. How can I avoid this?

A:
The likelihood of a parent or family member going to jail or being punished in any significant way is very slim. So too is the likelihood of you being removed or separated from your family. Child protection people do not swoop into homes and immediately take children away from their parents unless the situation is very, very bad. In most cases, an addicted family member will be given time, help, and a chance to overcome the addiction. The other thing to consider is that if things do escalate to a point where you are somehow separated from your family, there's a very real chance that it is for the best. In many cases, once children are living somewhere safe (whether that's with another family member or in foster care) they say they are relieved to be there. It can be hard to leave your family, and it may make you feel disloyal, but you have to take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who care for you in a healthy way.

Q: Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who has an addicted family member. How common is addiction in
families?

A:
There are many different estimates, and it depends what you consider addiction, but I would say that addiction affects a minimum of one in five families. That's huge. That means a lot of the people you know probably come from families dealing with some kind of addiction. That could be a parent, sibling, aunt, or uncle. It could be alcohol, street drugs, prescription drugs, gambling, social networking, gaming, or sex. But at least twenty percent of all families are affected by some type of substance use/abuse, or a non-chemical addiction. Your family is not the only one.

Q: How do behavioral addictions to things like gambling or work differ from substance addictions?

A:
Behavioral addictions are more similar to substance addictions than not. While it's not a perfect match, if somebody's addicted to gambling or video games, some of the same things are happening inside their bodies that are happening to people who are addicted to alcohol or heroin. Addicts' brains, moods, and relationships are affected in very similar ways whether they're addicted to something they consume or something they do. So while there are some differences between substance addictions and behavioral addictions, the two are very close, with each having similar impacts on family members.

Q: I feel ready to confront my family member about his/her addiction. How should I do this?

A:
The most important thing to consider when you feel you've reached a point where you're ready to confront your addicted family member is to decide whether you should be doing it alone. In my opinion, it's almost always best to have at least one buddy. Better still, get a group of appropriately supportive people together. Confronting someone alone can be difficult, because you start to second-guess yourself and addicted people are often masters at dodging blame. If you're with at least one other person who feels the same way you do, it becomes a lot easier to say, “that's not true,” or “stop denying it,” or “give it up.” I worked with one girl who was about twelve years old when she confronted her mom about her addiction. She took the lead in doing so, but she also had a few adults there to back her up, which I think was very, very important.

Q: I often feel like I don't belong—at home, at school, or anywhere. Is this normal?

A:
Many people who grow up with an addict in their household feel this way. Even when they are at home with family or at school with friends, they feel like an outsider. They report feeling alone and lonely in the presence of others. And while this is a perfectly normal way to feel, it can be very difficult and isolating. It can also mean that you get into a situation where you're inclined to leave home without a safety net in place. So if you find yourself feeling this way, it's really important that you do what you can to seek out people who make you feel more connected—in healthy ways. Those people might be extended family members, or they might be your friends' parents and siblings. Whoever they are, it's okay for you to say to them, “Can I come stay with you for a while until I sort this out?” Gradually, you'll start to feel like you belong and are connected again.

Q: How can I move on?

A:
As the child of an addicted person you are not responsible for your family member's addiction. Nor is it your job to cover for him or her. If you allow yourself not to feel a sense of responsibility, you'll have more energy to heal and get on with your life in a healthy way. Remember, you can't control your parent's addiction, but with the support of others who are capable, safe, and looking out for your interests, you can gradually take more control of your feelings, actions, well-being, relationships, and future. To do that, you'll need the energy and care you might normally put into managing your addicted family member's needs. You are important. Your needs are important. Your future in your best interest starts now.

For Advice and Help

This section lists only a small sample of the many resources available to help you. Your school counselor, local library, or church may also be able to help you find information, resources, and support. You may also refer to the
“Common Questions”
section of this book.

In an emergency …

If you're in the United States, there are many excellent crisis lines that you can call 24/7. You can use the Internet to find one in your area by googling your location + “crisis line,” or you can always call 1-800-442-HOPE or 1-800-273-TALK from anywhere in the U.S. These are two confidential, toll-free hotlines for people experiencing any kind of emotional distress.

If you're in Canada, you can always call Kids Help Phone, at 1-800-668-6868 or visit
www.kidshelpphone.ca
to chat with someone online. They're a totally anonymous source of information and can communicate in both English and French. They can provide you with immediate access to trained counselors, and help you explore your options. In an emergency, never be afraid to phone the police. They will always do their best to help you, even if you or a family member has done something illegal.

For someone to talk to …

If there's no emergency, but you are looking for more long-term support, there are a number of things you can try. Talk to another relative or if that's not an option try speaking with a teacher you like, or a school guidance counselor. Chances are, they can point you in the right direction. Don't be embarrassed or afraid to reach out for help.

There are also places online where you can connect with other young people who have addicted family members. A good example is
www.coap.org.uk
, which is the online home of a group called Children of Addicted Parents & People. They have discussion forums where you're free to post questions and comments anonymously, and have people respond to them.

If you're interested in joining a support group, consider finding an Al-Anon or Alateen chapter in your neigborhood. Al-Anon is an international fellowship of people whose lives have been affected by the alcoholism (and in some cases, drug abuse) of their loved ones. Find out more at
www.al-anon.alateen.org
.

For more information on addiction …

If you're just looking for information, there are lots of good resources online. Some of these are specific to certain types of addiction but others contain general information on a variety of addictions.

There's the National Institute on Drug Abuse, which is based in the United States. Their website is:
www.drugabuse.gov
. The online home of the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, an addictions research facility based in Canada, is
www.camh.net
. You can find great information there on all forms of addiction, as well as resources geared specifically toward children and teenagers.

The National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence is another great resource. If you visit
www.ncadd.org
, you'll find information on a whole bunch of different types of addiction, as well as guidance on how to deal with drug, alcohol, and behavioral dependencies.

For treatment …

If you are struggling with addiction, you're not alone. Children of addicts often find it harder to avoid developing dependencies of their own. But there are many places you can go for help. In the U.S., you can call 1-800-928-9139 for information on rehab centers in your area. Hazelden treatment centers can also be found across the United States, and can be reached toll-free at 1-800-257-7810 any day, any time. Their main website is
www.hazelden.org
. There is even a Hazelden facility in Plymouth, Minnesota, specifically for teens and young adults, and their hotline is at 1-800-257-7800.

In Canada, some hospitals (such as the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto) offer outpatient counseling for people between the ages of eight and seventeen who are struggling with substance abuse. Their number is 416-813-5097. Other similar programs exist across the country and can be found online.

For more information on treatment, you can always talk to your doctor, or visit a walk-in clinic in your area.

© 2013 Chloe Shantz-Hilkes (text)
Foreword © 2013 Marina Barnard
Introduction © 2013 Bob Munsch Enterprises Ltd.
Cover and interior design by Kong Njo
Cover image: ©
iStockphoto.com
/anzeletti

Annick Press gratefully acknowledges the contribution of Decode, a global strategic consultancy firm that helps clients “decode” what young people think, feel, want, need, believe in, and aspire to.

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