Home Before Sundown (24 page)

‘I'm so sorry, Liz.'

‘No, you don't understand.' The dreadful weight of guilt crushed Liz's chest.

‘I'd like to understand.'

She looked at him, saw the lines around his mouth, the crow's feet at the corners of his eyes, the flecks of grey in his hair. She saw the steadying warmth in his eyes and she knew she could trust him. But she'd kept her guilt about this buried for so long. How could she let it out now to a man she'd only recently met?

‘I hate to saddle you with my issues.'

From inside the hall, footsteps sounded, and then there were voices and teacups being rattled.

Liz frowned. ‘They've started afternoon tea. I should go in and help.'

‘They'll manage without you for the time being. Almost every member of the Gidgee Springs CWA is in there.'

Jack touched her elbow. ‘And it's not very private here. Why don't we go and sit in my truck?'

It was a kind offer. He was so attractive and masculine, with the glow of the outdoors about him. He was like the men who'd filled her childhood, like her father and her uncles and their friends, all cattlemen. It was almost as if her life had come full circle.

But she shouldn't be thinking like this. She was going back to London and there was no point in burdening Jack with her worries. Their fragile, fledgling romance had been fun, and on the day of the concert, she'd confidently talked about the options open to them.

Today, however, she'd been forced to confront her frailties, and it was time to remember the trail of broken relationships she'd left behind.

Now, burying her brother and preparing to leave Australia, Liz could no longer avoid the painful truth. She was a woman who had affairs. Lasting happy relationships were impossible for her – like trying to catch and hold soap bubbles.

Jack deserved better.

‘I'm feeling a bit calmer now, thanks.' She dredged up a smile. ‘I don't think we need to sneak off to the truck.'

Jack eyed her uncertainly.

‘How's Alex?' she asked, changing the subject.

‘Alex is great. I was going to tell you. He's had offers from three different boarding schools – two of them with excellent music scholarships.'

‘That's fantastic. Which schools?'

Jack named two excellent schools – one in Brisbane and another in Sydney. Then he fixed Liz with a searching gaze. ‘But I didn't come here to talk about Alex today. I came for you, Liz.'

‘Thank you,' she said softly. ‘I really appreciate that.' She looked away, avoiding the tenderness in his eyes. ‘Jack, I have to go back to London.' She felt terrible, using her old standby exit strategy with this man. ‘There are a few problems with work.'

‘When are you leaving?'

After a slight hesitation, she told him. ‘Tomorrow.'

A small silence rode by and she sensed his disappointment.

‘So this is goodbye?' His voice sounded hollow.

‘I'm afraid it is.' Liz knew he was waiting for her to give him some sort of hope. Miserably she groped again for her tissues, terrified that she might weep. ‘Thanks for letting me weep on you, Jack.'

‘I––' He looked as if he wanted to say something and then changed his mind.

‘I must get back to the others now,' said Liz. ‘I really should be helping Virginia.'

It was the most unsatisfactory of endings. Jack didn't try to stop her. She knew he was baffled by her abrupt dismissal. This was the end for them, and as always, it was her fault.

‘Give my love to Alex.' She couldn't quite look at Jack. ‘There are so many good schools. I'm sure you'll choose the right one for him.'

‘I'll do my best.'

‘Of course you will, Jack.' Dropping a light kiss on his cheek, she hurried into the church hall.

A fine mist hung over the riverbed as Bella drove Liz into Gidgee Springs early next morning. Another overnight thunderstorm had laid the dust, but this morning only a few clouds lingered and the air was whisper-still. When the mist cleared, the day would be hotter than ever.

‘You'll be glad to get back to wintry London,' Bella said as she scanned the languid, wilting landscape.

‘Perhaps.' Liz sighed. ‘But I wish I didn't have to hurry away so soon. This isn't quite how I pictured my return. I hope you don't feel that I'm abandoning you.'

‘No. Heavens no, Liz. Having you here was fantastic, a huge bonus, but you have to go back. London's your home. Your career's there. It's where you belong.'

‘And have you decided where you belong?'

Bella winced. ‘I'm getting there. Kind of.'

They'd reached the Mullinjim gate and the Subaru rattled over the cattle grid.

‘You've managed brilliantly, you know?' Liz said as they turned onto the main bitumen road and the vehicle picked up speed. ‘You should be proud of yourself, Bella. I know we're all very proud of you.'

‘Well . . . thanks.' Bella seemed surprised by the compliment. She shrugged. ‘It's just what anyone would have done under the circumstances.'

‘Don't underrate yourself, my dear.'

‘I was wondering how you feel about Mullinjim now. Do you think you'll feel free to come back more often in the future?'

The question caught Liz unprepared, bringing a deluge of guilt. To her dismay, her mouth twisted awkwardly and she found herself on the verge of tears. Ducking her head, she groped in the bag at her feet for tissues. ‘Whoa,' she said shakily as she dabbed at her eyes. ‘I must be more on edge than I realised.'

‘If you want to talk about anything, this is your last chance,' Bella said lightly. ‘And I'm a captive audience in this car.'

Liz smiled. Her niece had grown up in leaps and bounds in the past few weeks and she was grateful for her offer, but out of habit, she said, ‘You don't want to hear my sorry old story.'

‘Actually,' Bella said gently. ‘I think I do want to hear it if it keeps you away from us.'

Ouch
. Liz knew Bella had made a very valid point. She'd encouraged the girl to confide, while sharing nothing of her own worries, and now it seemed almost hypocritical to keep Bella in the dark.

‘I should tell you,' she said nervously. And then, before she could back down, she said quickly, ‘It all started when I was still a student at the Con in Brisbane and I foolishly found myself pregnant.'

Bella sent a quick sympathetic smile and because she didn't look too upset, Liz took a hasty breath and continued. ‘I'd just won a scholarship to the London School of Music when I found out that I was pregnant and I was devastated. I'd worked so hard. Incredibly hard. I was passionate about my music and I was ferociously ambitious.'

She shot Bella a pointed glance. ‘Coming from the outback I felt as if I had something extra to prove.'

‘I know what you mean,' Bella said gently. ‘So were you in love with the baby's father?'

‘Unfortunately no. He was just a guy I met. A med student. A fling. By the time I knew I was definitely pregnant I wasn't even seeing him anymore.'

She looked ahead again. Already at this early hour a heat haze was shimmering on the distant blue bitumen. ‘I could only see the baby as a huge problem. A mistake blocking me from my dreams. I suppose the sensible option would have been an abortion, but I couldn't face that.'

Beside her, Bella made a soft sound of sympathy.

‘I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant, not even my best friend, and certainly not my parents. When I came home for the summer holidays I was still planning to go to London, and I was tossing around ideas about adoption, but what I really wanted was for the pregnancy to magically disappear, so I could just get on with my life and the brilliant career I had planned.'

‘That's all very understandable, Liz.'

Liz knew it was a dilemma many women had faced, but that had never made it any easier for her. ‘While I was home at Mullinjim, Peter asked me to help him with the mustering. Our parents were away, visiting relatives. Peter was only moving a small mob and he could have managed without me, but I said I'd love to go with him. I don't think I was deliberately trying to harm the baby, but there was probably a tiny hope that somehow . . . accidentally . . . '

Liz gnawed nervously at her lip. ‘I didn't hold back on the ride. I chased cattle down steep gullies and I jumped the horse over piles of logs. We rode hard for most of the day and I was almost home again when the pains started . . . '

She closed her eyes, not wanting to see Bella's expression.

‘At first I was actually happy and relieved that my problems would soon be over. But then I saw him. My little boy.'

Her trembling mouth pulled out of shape, but she forced herself to go on. ‘Bella, he was so tiny. So perfect. And then I realised what I'd done. I'd had a fling after a wild party and I'd been reckless and careless and I'd actually been
hoping
to be rid of a perfectly beautiful little boy.'

Liz felt sick now that she'd said it out loud. Tears brimmed and she clamped her lips tightly together as she searched blindly through her bag for more tissues.

It was only as she wiped her eyes that she realised Bella had pulled over to the side of the road.

‘You poor thing,' Bella said and she rubbed Liz's arm in a comforting sort of way.

Liz wiped her eyes. ‘I've almost finished my sorry tale.'

‘Take your time.'

‘We won't miss the bus, will we?'

‘We have a little time to spare.'

Liz swallowed. ‘Poor Peter helped me to bury him. It was awful, Bella, but Pete was wonderful. We never told our parents. And as far as I know, Peter never even told your mother. He took my terrible secret to his grave.'

The temptation to dissolve into tears again was overpowering, but somehow Liz resisted. Bella was being magnificent.

‘I've shocked you, haven't I?'

‘No, Liz. I'm mainly sad that you still feel so upset about this after such a long time. I mean . . . this happened before I was born.'

‘But it was all my fault, you see. I was so impatient. I didn't want to put off London for a year while I went through the pregnancy and adoption. I was scared the family would put pressure on me to keep the baby or make me feel guilty about leaving. I didn't want to be trapped.'

Liz shuddered, but she realised that she'd done it. For the first time she'd been completely and painfully honest . . .

She wished she felt better about it.

‘Lots of women have miscarriages,' Bella said, trying to be helpful. ‘One of my girlfriends had one last year.'

‘I bet she didn't ride hard on horseback knowing it might happen. And I bet she didn't have to bury the baby under a tree.' Liz shivered. ‘Ever since, I've had to prove that my selfishness was justified. That's why I've worked so damn hard at my career.'

‘And you've been nothing but brilliant.'

Liz sighed. After Evan's phone call it looked as if her brilliant career had already started to tarnish. ‘The thing is – my private life has been anything but brilliant. It only hit me properly yesterday at the funeral. My relationships have all been overshadowed by that one mistake. I've had affairs, Bella, nothing more. I've never allowed myself the luxury of falling properly in love. I told myself I didn't want marriage or a family, but the truth was, I – I've always believed that I didn't deserve it. I'd given up that right.'

‘Liz,' Bella cried, hugging her.

Liz was grateful for the simple hug. She could have done with a few more of them during her life.

When Bella released her, she smiled bleakly. ‘So let my story be a warning to you, my darling. No matter how far you run, eventually you have to come home to face the music.'

‘Yes.' Now it was Bella who looked anxious.

‘If you've made any mistakes, learn from them,' Liz said. ‘Don't be like me and keep making the same mistake over and over.'

‘I think that might be easier said than done.'

‘True.' Liz glanced at her watch. ‘And I guess we'd better get cracking, hadn't we?'

As they headed off again, Liz took several deep breaths, surprised to discover that she felt a bit lighter already. Was it possible that she might, in time, be able to forgive herself?

‘So can I ask about Jack Roper?' Bella asked suddenly.

Liz's newfound peace vanished in a blink and she couldn't hold back a sigh. ‘I said goodbye to Jack yesterday.'

‘But I thought . . . '

‘I said goodbye to him, Bella. End of story.'

‘Okay, okay.'

*

For the rest of the journey they switched to safer topics like Virginia and Luke, Zoe and Mac. They reminisced about cooking sausages over the campfire by the waterhole, the barbecue lunch they'd hosted.

They reached Gidgee Springs with only minutes to spare before the bus arrived.

The final goodbye was even more difficult than Bella had anticipated. ‘Safe travels,' she whispered as she hugged Liz hard and long. ‘I'll miss you
sooooo
much.'

‘Not as much as I'll miss you.'

‘I'll expect lots of emails.'

‘Yes. I promise.'

With one foot on the bus's step, Liz turned back. Her hair was its usual riot of curls and she was wearing travel clothes – slim grey Capri pants and a long striped T-shirt, but somehow she still managed to look elegant. ‘I know you're still tossing up about staying here or coming back to Europe, but remember, good decisions usually
feel
right.'

‘I'll try to remember that.'

Bella's throat was aching as she watched Liz take her seat. The driver slammed the door to the baggage hold and hurried back behind the wheel, eager to be off.

From the footpath Bella stood watching as the bus pulled away and headed south, growing smaller and smaller, and the weight of her indecision had never felt heavier.