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Chapter Forty-Five

Rachel

The bar was quiet when I woke. Josh still wasn’t back from his night, and why should he be? It was still early. He was probably waking up beside some gorgeous girl who appreciated him and hung on his every word. That’s what he deserved. Not some wandering hussy who left him at the first chance she got.

My mind played games with me, trying to figure out who it was, jealousy ripping through me like hot knives.

“Just stop!” I eventually had to yell at myself. “Knowing won’t change anything.”

I rolled out of bed and patted Duke’s back before making my way downstairs. The bloodhound followed me, loyal in spite of my absence. His tail wouldn’t stop wagging. I gave him a sad smile as I crouched down and popped open my new guitar case. I still couldn’t believe Leo had given it to me. It would never replace Mama’s gift, but it came in a pretty close second. Those people changed my life, and I was grateful for the small reminder of their overwhelming generosity.

Angel’s chubby little face flittered through my mind.

“Ting!” That’s what she’d be yellin’ if she was with me.

I sat on the old wooden stool, center stage, and nestled the guitar on my lap. Looking out across the empty bar, I felt it then, stronger than I ever had before. I was home. I was safe.

I strummed the first chord of “Safe” and settled into the rhythm. The words oozed out of my mouth, and all I could think of was Josh. A smile crested my lips and I closed my eyes, picturing him standing before me.

I was just hitting the second verse when Duke barked and trotted toward the kitchen. I pressed my hand against the strings and waited, holding my breath as jittery nerves shredded my insides.

Josh appeared, his towering body filling up the doorframe.

I smiled at him, my lips taking on a mind of their own.

He didn’t return the gesture.

Poor guy looked dead on his feet, gray bags under his eyes, messy whiskers dotting his face.

“Big night, huh?” I swallowed, desperate to hide my heartache.

He deserved happiness. I had no right to make him feel bad for moving on.

Leaning against the frame, he gave me a long, assessing stare before finally answering, “Just…long.”

My eyes filled with tears. I couldn’t help it! I wasn’t made of stone!

Clearing my throat, I dropped my gaze to the floor and nodded. “I’m happy for you, Josh. You deserve it.”

“What?”

I glanced up at his confused growl, my eyes rounding as he strode toward me.

“I deserve this?” he barked.

“Well, yeah. I mean, if she makes you happy then you do.” I tapped my finger on the guitar, fighting the lump in my throat.

“You thought—?” His scoffing laugh made me cringe.

What was I missing?

“I wasn’t with…” He closed his eyes and sighed. “I mean, I was, but it’s not what you think.”

His pale face washed with a sick look of agony before he finally gazed at me.

“I came across an accident yesterday morning. The girl was injured pretty bad, and she didn’t have anybody nearby, so I was sitting with her until friends arrived.”

Damn if he didn’t make it impossible not to love him!

Why the hell did I leave?

How could I have messed it up so badly?

The stingy tears sprung forward again, threatening to really fall this time.

“You’re a good man, Joshua Clark.” I sniffed and pressed my knuckles into my eyes. I didn’t want to cry!

He didn’t say anything.

In fact, the only noise in the bar was my sniffing and Duke’s thumping tail.

Josh licked his bottom lip and shoved his hands in his pockets.

I couldn’t tell if he wanted to say anything or not. He’d always been a tough one to read, and getting feelings out of him was damn near impossible.

The awkward silence stretching across the bar was suffocating, so I filled it before he could.

“You should go sleep. I won’t make any noise. I’ll stop playin’.”

“No, don’t stop. I don’t mind.” He waved his hand in the air and slumped to the stairs. I waited until he’d reached the top before continuing with my song.

My voice shook pretty bad knowing he could hear me. I wasn’t usually nervous playing for anybody, but the rift between us was like a chasm. I had to cross it. I just didn’t know how.

*****

It was past noon. Brock had been by, given me some muttering speech that made me feel like shit. I knew I’d done wrong, I didn’t need reminding!

I hated that the rumor wheel would already be spinning. Gossip spread too damn fast in this town. They were going to burn me on a stake if I didn’t make it right…and fast.

There was only one thing left to do. I had to tell Josh the truth, and if he didn’t want me back after that, my only choice was to walk away.

The idea killed me. It’d taken me way too long to figure out this place was home, and to have to leave it so soon stung like poison ivy.

Climbing the stairs like an old woman, I stopped outside the bedroom door and lightly knocked. A low grumble came from behind the wood, so I creaked the door open and stepped inside.

He hadn’t bothered closing the curtains to sleep, so I could see him clear as day. He was still in his clothes and boots, like he’d just fallen onto the mattress and slept.

“Josh?” I nudged his shoulder with my hand and stepped back when he rolled over to face me.

As soon as his bleary eyes cleared, I wished to God I had stayed downstairs. Sleep had done nothing to revive his mood. If anything, it’d only made it blacker. Curse dreams and nightmares. What’s the bet his nap had stirred up all kind of emotions I wasn’t ready for.

He sat up with that angry dog look on his face and made me feel as big as a snail. “What the hell are you doing here, Rachel?”

I lifted my chin against his tone, crossing my arms to hide my shaking. “I needed to come back and see you. To make it right.”

“You can’t make it right!”

“I can sure as hell try!”

His face pinched with a tight frown and he looked away from me.

“Just let me tell you what happened.”

“What happened?” His head snapped back in my direction. “I can tell you exactly what happened. The love of my life walked out that door and went to the big city to whore herself to some no-name agent who treated her like a worthless piece of trash. Was it him? Did he give you them bruises?”

I brushed my face, acting like it was nothing. I could never tell Josh the details of that beating. Whether he loved me still or not, he couldn’t tolerate violence against women, and I didn’t want him committing murder.

“Look, I know I made a mistake, Josh. Please, just let me explain. I didn’t whore myself to anybody.”

He shot me an incredulous look.

“I didn’t! I may have danced half-naked and posed for photos, but no one touched this body. It’s yours. Only yours. I—”

His pointed look didn’t help my nerves none. I was hoping my
only yours
statement would soften him, but it didn’t.

I swallowed a couple of times and pulled my shoulders back.

“I shouldn’t have signed that contract. I was a fool who rushed in without thinking it through and understanding all the details. I got caught up in what I thought would be something amazing and it wasn’t. It turned out to be a total con. I never read the small print. I should have listened to you.”

His right eyebrow rose in a silent
I told you so
.

My forehead wrinkled in desperation. “I can’t
change
that now.”

“How could you stay and let them do that to you?”

“Because I was under contract!” I threw my arms wide. “They threatened to sue me. I couldn’t afford that and they knew it. They knew I’d have to come to you for help, and they
knew
you were the kind of man that would sell everything to save me. I couldn’t let that happen.”

His eyes swirled with a dark anger. “What makes you think I’d want to keep this bar over you? I loved you!”

He’d never said that to me before. I mean, I’d always been pretty sure he did, but I’d never heard him say it, and there he was, finally shouting the words, but in the wrong tense.

“You don’t love me anymore?” I swallowed, biting my lips together and pinching my arms until it hurt.

He looked away from me, his jaw clenching tight.

It took everything in me not to cry. I could barely speak and ended up croaking out, “Well, I love you still, and I didn’t want you to be ruined. I know how much this place means to you.”

“You meant everything to me.” He shot off the bed, turning away from me and leaning against the window. “Seeing you like that…” His voice was a broken whisper. “What you did to yourself…
that
ruined me.”

I swallowed, bile surging up my throat. “You said you’d always forgive me.”

“I can’t forgive you for this,” he muttered.

A sob shook my belly, a soft whimper coming out my throat. Pinching my nose, I covered my mouth and fled from the room before he could see me fall apart. I busted into the single room we used to share and slammed the door behind me. Dropping to my knees, I curled over on myself and cried like I never had before.

I cried for my shame…for a past I couldn’t undo.

I cried for my mother.

And I bled for Josh.

Chapter Forty-Six

Rachel

Josh didn’t come to comfort me. I knew he wouldn’t. He’d been hurt too many times in his life to let me do any more damage. He’d lost his mother at birth, his father to war, his aunt to cancer, and I’d simply walked away. I was the only love he’d known that had rejected him, and he wasn’t about to give me a second chance. Why should he?

I cried until I was weak with exhaustion and fell asleep right on the floor.

When I woke, I could hear the bar in full swing downstairs. The chatter was loud, that familiar buzz reaching me from the stairs. I couldn’t stay another night. My time was up, so I dragged my sorry ass off that floor and threw my belongings into the small bag I had with me. The only thing left to get was my guitar, which I’d left down on the stage.

I didn’t want to face everybody, but like hell I was leaving Leo’s gift behind¸ so I clomped down those stairs in my favorite pair of boots and held my head high.

I’d done all I could do, and I just had to leave with as much dignity as I could muster. It wasn’t much, but I clung to it anyway.

No one noticed me at first. I kept my gaze on the wooden floor and moved to the stage, but the second I stepped up to get the guitar, a hush raced across the room. I glanced over my shoulder and took in the crowd of familiar faces. A few low murmurs and whispered words fluttered into the air, but nothing could cancel out the oppressive silence and range of stares. Most people were glaring at me.

I worked my jaw to the side, wanting the earth to open up and take me right there, but it didn’t, and I was stuck as the center of attention. I glanced at Josh. He was staring at me with a sad hollowness that hurt. It was easier to bear than his anger, maybe because there was an openness to it.

With a soft sigh, I turned back to my guitar, and I don’t know what compelled me to do it, but I lifted the strap over my shoulder and settled it against my stomach.

Switching on the mic, I adjusted it and spoke before I could get booed off the stage.

“I know y’all probably hate me right now, and I guess you have good reason. Y’all won’t ever know the full story, but this much is true…I screwed up.” My lips twitched, begging me to shut my mouth, but I ignored my instinct and kept talking. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d allow me to sing one last song.”

I waited for the jeers and shouts, but none came. If anything, they seemed to settle into their seats.

I couldn’t look at Josh as I tuned my guitar. I could barely breathe. I was about to do something I’d never done before.

“This is a song I wrote for Josh and, ah…” I shrugged, tongue-tied and emotional. “It’s called ‘Home.’”

Don’t know why I thought my dreams lay far from you

Existed miles from your door

Had to chase them, get away and find the truth

But all I got was lost

City lights, the hum, the fame is what I craved

But it just left me feeling low

Tried to fight it, to deny all my despair

But had to finally face the truth

That you’re my home, you’re my home

You’re the place where I belong

I rest my head upon your shoulder and I’m home

Your kiss is life, your love divine

It’s the only place I shine

So I’m back to the only love I know

You’re my home

My only home