Holly Lane (24 page)

But now, as smooth and perfect as his kisses were, kisses alone were no longer enough—for either of them. He wasted little time before sliding his hands beneath the hem of her sweater—at the precise moment she reached for the button on his blue jeans.

As they made love by the fire on another braided rug, for Sue Ann it was as if everything that had happened since Thanksgiving was coming together, melding into one hot, wonderful moment that left no questions, no worries—only happiness. The setting took her back to that snowbound cabin, but the most wonderful part was—now it wasn’t just sex; it was so much more. And just like the other night in her bed, she didn’t hold back, she let herself and her inhibitions go completely in his arms.

The pleasure was wild and intense, and as much as she adored her daughter, she was thankful they didn’t have to worry about being quiet this time. Being alone with Adam, feeling utterly free with him, filled her almost to overflowing. When he kissed and licked between her thighs, she could moan and purr. And when he turned her onto her hands and knees on the rug, plunging into her, hot and hard, she could cry out at will—no holding back.

Before it was over, he’d given her another two ecstasy-filled orgasms, and when he came in her, knowing she’d taken him there left her feeling . . . whole. Complete. For maybe the first time in months.

He collapsed gently atop her naked body and they lay quietly for a few moments, until she smiled into his eyes and said, “You give an entirely new meaning to the idea of Christmas joy.”

A rich, hearty laugh echoed from his throat, and they kissed and cuddled together for a minute before he rolled onto his side next to her, caressing her stomach with warm fingertips and saying, “I like this new you.”

“New me?”

“This you who isn’t pushing me away and telling me it can’t happen and all that. This you is much more fun,” he teased with a wink.

She bit her lip. This her was
having
much more fun, too. In fact, this her was just a plain happier person than she’d been a week or two ago. She was glad she’d stopped fighting her feelings for him. “I guess . . . you’re pretty hard to resist, Becker.”

He cast a sexy grin down into her eyes, then leaned in to lower a soft kiss on the ridge of her breast. “Damn straight,” he rasped.

She leaned her head back then, just basking in the moment. “And I guess I’ve . . . quit dwelling on my trust issues so much. I’m starting to look at those in a new way, too.”

“What new way?” he asked absently, studying her breast now as if he were examining some amazing work of art, then lowering another tiny kiss, this one to the very tip of her nipple. It made her shiver.

Still, even as good as that felt, she rolled onto her side to face him—she couldn’t concentrate on what she was saying otherwise—and peered into those gorgeous blue eyes that had held her so captivated in recent weeks. “Well, with a more . . . positive attitude, I guess. Because it seems the more I relax and let things happen, the better my life goes. And yeah, I was surprised when you told me what happened at that wedding, because I’m very sensitive about any sort of cheating right now, and I always thought of you as so . . . flawless before that. But like we discussed the other night, none of us are perfect. And I was worried, too, about the idea of you testifying for Jeff in the alimony hearing—afraid of things that could come out, about me—but that’s one more thing that turned out not to be a problem. I didn’t tell you this the other night because . . . well, I didn’t want to make a big deal of it at the time—but finding out you weren’t doing it lifted such a burden, Adam. It just changed . . . everything. So all that makes it a lot easier to just be brave, not back away from this anymore, and put my trust in you.”

When he said nothing in reply to this, though—in fact, exhibited no reaction whatsoever—she found herself looking more deeply into his eyes, trying to read them.

And she wasn’t sure how, but that quickly—almost in the blink of an eye—it had turned into . . . a strange moment. A sudden uneasiness filled the air around them.

Maybe you’re only imagining that.
But why would she imagine something so unpleasant when everything else was so wonderful? And had his body just stiffened slightly next to hers? Whether she was imagining things or not, she just wanted him to confirm what she was saying, to assure her that she wasn’t just being . . . naïve or something.

Now his gaze had narrowed on her as well, and—damn—she still couldn’t quite interpret his expression. Though she began to fear that he appeared more . . . concerned than she liked. What was that about?

Propped on her elbow, she tilted her head, their eyes still connected—and she knew he saw the growing question, the uneasiness, on her face.

“What’s wrong?” she finally asked. “Why are you being so quiet?”

His mouth flattened into a straight line—and her stomach churned lightly. “Thing is, honey . . .” He stopped, sighed. “That phone call I got before . . . ”

“What?” she asked nervously. What was he holding back from her?

He looked away for a second then, not answering, and she saw him swallow—uncomfortably.

Her chest tightened and her throat went dry.

And then Adam blew out a long breath and shut his eyes, finally reopening them to say, “It was Jeff on the phone. He wanted to tell me that if I say no, his lawyer plans to subpoena me. So . . . looks like I’ll be testifying after all.”

Seventeen

She often cried out that it wasn’t fair, and it really was not.

Charles Dickens,
A Christmas Carol

S
ue Ann simply gaped at him. How was this possible? She felt as if someone had just lowered an anvil onto her chest. She barely managed to whisper, “You’re testifying for Jeff? Against me?”

“It’s not
against
you,” he insisted, shaking his head. “And I have no choice now. But it has nothing to do with you, so don’t worry.”

She simply let out a heavy breath, stunned. “How can you possibly say it has nothing to do with me? It has everything to do with me. If they ask you questions about me, you’ll have to answer. And God knows what could come up or how it could make me look.”

He just tilted his head and narrowed his brow, as if she were being unreasonable. “I would never say anything to make you look bad, Sue Ann. How could you even think that?”

“Because it’s not up to you what the lawyer asks! And though I think of Jeff as more selfish than vindictive, who can say anymore? For all I know, he could be angling to take Sophie from me!”

“That’s crazy—that’s not what he’s after.”

She sat up next to him, incensed now, and feeling the need to tower over him. “It’s not crazy. If there’s even a tiny fraction of a chance that my custody of Sophie could be at risk, it’s not crazy. And you’re just now telling me about this? Why on earth didn’t you tell me before, when he called? You said everything was fine! How could you keep that to yourself?”

Another big sigh left him as told her, “I meant everything was fine with the boys—that’s what you’d just asked me about then. And damn, Sue Ann—I just didn’t want either one of us to have to think about this right now. I knew you’d make too much of it and I didn’t want to upset you.”

Sue Ann simply sat before him astonished, speechless. She’d felt so close to him just a minute ago—but suddenly that had changed into feeling . . . almost betrayed. She’d slowly worked up to being ready to proceed into a relationship with him—hell, to having already proceeded there. And she’d been so . . . open with him just now, during sex. She’d given him so much of herself. Because she’d begun to trust him so much. And yet he’d come back into the room without telling her about that phone call?

“More like you didn’t tell me because you figured you wouldn’t get laid,” she murmured under her breath.

And now he looked angry, too. “Shit—that’s how you think I see this? As getting laid?”

She knew it was harsh, knew it wasn’t true, and yet . . . “Why else hold back on news you knew would upset me?” She glanced away from Adam then, even shifting her body away, too, and hugging her knees to her chest—an urge to cover herself up a little. She was tired of feeling confused, and tired of analyzing all this—but she couldn’t stop herself.

And when he answered, his voice sounded small coming from behind her, as if he were as drained and exasperated as she was. “Because we were having a nice night and I didn’t want to ruin it. I didn’t figure waiting an hour or two to tell you would change anything.”

She sucked in her breath and felt herself almost begin to tremble with all the emotion running through her. “You should have told me before. Because now it feels . . . almost like you weren’t honest with me by not sharing it the second you found out.”

Now even his sigh was racked with weariness. “It was an hour, Sue Ann. One fucking hour. And a damn
good
hour, too, I might add.”

Yes, it had been an absolutely amazing hour—but that didn’t matter to Sue Ann at the moment. What mattered was how much she’d let herself go with him, because she’d begun to feel so sure they saw things the same way in life. What mattered was that he thought she was “making too much of it,” and that he’d made the conscious decision to keep something important from her, even if only for a little while. What mattered were the things he could be forced into saying about her under oath. What mattered was her daughter. Her life. Her heart.

She shut her eyes, tight, willing back tears. She had no intention of letting Adam Becker see her cry. She’d opened herself up to him so much these last two nights, in so many ways—and now she’d become far too vulnerable, let him see far too much.

He sat up next to her, touched her arm. And she could smell the sexy, musky scent of him right beside her, but she kept her eyes closed. “Sue Ann, you gotta know I’m crazy about you. If that helps at all.”

A lump had grown in her throat. And that stark vulnerability now hung around her like a blanket, heavy and stifling, made worse by the fact that she was naked. “It . . . actually makes it worse,” she managed.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” he said softly.

Yes, it does.
It makes me care about you even more.
It makes me envision this perfect thing we could have together.
But now that was soiled. And if he hadn’t been completely honest about this, right up front, what else might he choose to hold back from her in the future? What else might he decide she was “making too much of”? It was hard to weigh—maybe at any other time of her life this one transgression wouldn’t matter so much, but right now, it did. She’d put her trust in him and he’d promptly shown her that was a mistake.

“I think you should go,” she finally said in a hushed tone. But at least her voice hadn’t quivered.
Hold onto your dignity, above all else.
Despite Adam’s previous observation about that, she still thought she’d lost enough of her dignity in the divorce—she couldn’t bear to lose even an ounce more.

Next to her, he expelled a heavy breath. “Can’t we talk about this? Can’t we talk through it?”

She just shook her head briefly. “I don’t think so. I just want to be alone.”

“I told you before that I would never hurt you, and I meant it.”

And at this, she lifted her eyes briefly to his to softly point out, “You just did.”

“Sue Ann—” He touched her arm again, but this time she pulled it away—and he flinched, clearly surprised.

“Please, Adam,” she snapped. “Please just go.”

“Really?” he asked. “You won’t even talk to me about this?”

She simply shook her head.

And he went still, silent, and a few seconds later said, “Fine.”

As he got up and went about getting dressed, Sue Ann followed the instinct to climb up onto the sofa, pulling an afghan from the back and burrowing under it, curling her body to face away from him. She waited, biting her lip, still willing back tears, angry at herself, angry at him, angry at all her emotions—emotions she’d thought she was coming to grips with, but now, here they all were, suddenly flooding back through her like a brand new river of pain.

Only when the front door closed quietly behind him a minute later did she finally let herself begin to cry. She’d told him everything in her heart, honestly. And each time they’d been intimate, she’d given him a deeply private, personal piece of herself she could never get back.

And only now was she realizing how much trust that had taken, how much trust she’d already given him before even fully deciding to do so. She’d thought she was easing into something with him slowly, carefully, but now that it was suddenly over, she understood that she’d already let herself go way too far to come out of this unscathed.

Oh God, why did I ever let this be any more than sex?
Why did I have to start having such deep, wrenching feelings for him?
How did I let myself get hurt again this soon?

A
dam tried to hold crookedly cut snowman-laden wrapping paper in place with one hand while he wrangled a piece of tape from the roll with the other. But by the time he managed to tear off the tape, the paper had slipped. He let out a small growl, sending Pepper trotting from the room. Damn it, he really was “all hooves” when it came to this.

“Pepper,” he called, then whistled softly. “You can come back in the room, boy—I’m not mad at
you
.” No, he wasn’t mad at Pepper—he was mad at everything else.
But when my mood drives away even my dog, man’s best friend . . .
Hell, it felt like a new low in Grinchiness.

Timidly, the collie re-entered the living room, where Adam sat on the floor attempting to wrap the boys’ gifts. Exasperated, he abandoned the task, lifting both hands to scratch behind the dog’s ears. “That’s right, you’re a good boy, aren’t you?” he murmured. “Of course you are. Without you, I’d probably be stark raving mad by now.”

Because one of the things that had him back in a bad mood was the utter emptiness of his own house. Yeah, that had started not to seem so bad the other day, but now it was back, again making him aware of how quiet the place was without the kids. Even now, the only sound was the crackling fire in the hearth across the room. Of course, he hadn’t bothered to turn on lights in other rooms the last few days, or music, or even the TV. So maybe it was his own fault.

And so he was mad at himself, too. For the way he’d been acting since Jacob and Joey’s departure, and for the Scroogy attitude that had taken hold of him yet again after what had happened with Sue Ann the other night.

God, why didn’t he tell her about the call right when it had come in? Looking back, he supposed that hadn’t exactly reeked of him being an honest, up-front guy. He just hadn’t thought that far ahead at the time.

It had actually been a split-second decision—he’d walked in the room, seen her pretty face, and had simply chosen to think about better things. After all, it wasn’t exactly fun for him to find out he was getting subpoenaed. But apparently Jeff’s lawyer was bent on Jeff’s lifelong best friend, Adam Becker, taking the stand—because Adam was so respected in the community.
Lucky me for being so damn well-liked.

On one hand, he couldn’t help feeling Sue Ann was blowing this out of proportion. She’d practically acted mad at him for having to testify, even though it wasn’t his fault. But . . . hell, maybe he wouldn’t be in this fix right now if he’d just refused Jeff’s request from the beginning and not hemmed and hawed so long. And he knew Sue Ann was fragile right now when it came to trust—how many times had she told him that in the past month? So, on the other hand, when he looked at it from her point of view . . . well, maybe the answers suddenly didn’t seem as clear.

“All right, boy, all right,” he said when he’d had enough making up with Pepper. “Go lie down for a few minutes and let me finish this, then I’ll give you a treat.”

The word “treat” worked its usual magic, and the dog retreated to the rug in front of the fireplace. “Good boy,” Adam praised him. Then he looked back to the wrinkled paper around the new gaming system he was trying to wrap. “Learn to wrap presents,” he said absently to the dog, “and you’d
really
be man’s best friend.”

Finally, Adam succeeded in doing his usual sloppy job on the gaming system, then reached for the two large boxes containing new winter play coats, one in red, the other blue.
Oh boy,
these
should be fun
to wrap.
Letting out a sigh, he grabbed a roll of paper featuring snow-skiing Santas. He’d picked it up at the drugstore knowing the boys would like it since they were such expert skiers now.

God, making love to Sue Ann, in her bed and then again in front of the fire, had been so good, so freaking perfect—and it killed him to know he’d blown it all to hell in the blink of an eye. One mistake had cost him a woman he really thought he could have a future with. And shit—having to drive that damn sleigh away from her house and all the way back to Grampy’s place had made him feel pretty fucking ridiculous given the way the evening had turned out.

Though as he used the first big coat box to measure the amount of paper he’d need, he realized there was someone else he was mad at, too—he was mad at Sue Ann. For not listening when he’d wanted to talk through it. For not realizing that he
was
a damn good guy. For not even trying to look past his mistake. After all, hadn’t they just agreed that neither of them were any more perfect than anyone else?

But at the same time, he knew that for her to be with him, the way he wanted her with him—for something real—she needed to believe in him wholeheartedly. And he’d made that impossible for her.

After using scissors to cut a big swath of Santa paper—more jaggedly than he’d meant to, of course—he wrapped it around the box . . . only to find it wasn’t quite big enough, after all.

Great—that’s just fucking great
.

He let out another growl, sending Pepper running from the room once more.

J
enny let go of Mick’s hand to peer down into the heavy-duty stroller Betty Fisher pushed up the sidewalk near Under the Covers. “My, who’s this?” she asked.

Betty was a longtime family friend who, along with her husband, Ed, hosted an annual Fourth of July picnic at their farm every year. And Jenny occasionally took her telescope to their large, wide-open yard for stargazing. Now Betty flashed a big smile in response to Jenny’s question. “My grandbaby, of course. My daughter and her husband just came into town yesterday and now Grandma has until the day after Christmas to spoil this perfect little one.”