Hiss Me Deadly (6 page)

Until she stepped into space, spread her arms and legs, and sailed away.

Turns out I'd forgotten something, too: Flying squirrels can fly.

With the grace of a prima ballerina, Luz landed on the next building's roof.

Unfortunately, geckos can't glide.

I windmilled off the edge.

"Yaaaah!"

Down I plummeted like a cast-iron kite—
krunk!
—right into the krangleberry bushes.

I lay there for a minute. Nothing seemed broken, so I rose and picked my way out of the shrubbery.

A slow
clap-clap-clap
greeted me.

Two beefy iguanas stood nearby. One had a squinchy left eye; the other had a nose ring. Neither was about to win any beauty contests. They looked like trouble, and they smelled like algae.

Squinchy Eye stopped his applause. "Lovely jump," he said, "but you didn't stick the landing, mate. I'd give it a seven-point-five."

"Oy'd say free-point-two," said Nose Ring. And his glower made it clear he was being generous.

I brushed the leaves off my coat. "Thanks for the warm fuzzies," I said. "See you gents later."

But I hadn't taken two steps before Nose Ring blocked my way.

"Not so fast," he growled.

"I know you're not, but what am I?" I said.

"Unh?"

The hefty reptile knew he'd been insulted, but he couldn't quite figure out how. He grabbed the front of my coat in a hamlike fist and hoisted me off the ground, easy as a high schooler popping a zit.

"Listen up, Gecko," said Squinchy Eye. "We don't like you. It ain't personal, but we don't like you."

"Aw, that breaks my heart," I said. "And just when I was about to give you a best-friends-forever bracelet."

Nose Ring raised a hand the size of a three-ring binder and slapped my head once, twice, three times. Church bells chimed in my ears.

"'E said,
listen up,
" said the iguana.

Squinchy Eye bent down until his squinchy eye was only inches from mine. His breath smelled funkier than the morning after the fish tank office party.

"We got a message for you, bright boy," he said.

"Send an e-mail next ti—" I stopped at the sight of Nose Ring's raised hand.

"Get outta town, mate," said Squinchy Eye. "Emerson Hicky don't want you around no more."

I gulped. "I don't want Emerson Hicky, either," I said. "But until I graduate from sixth grade, I'm stuck here."

"Wrong answer," said Nose Ring. He hoisted
me over his head, planted a meaty paw in my gut, and shot-putted me back into the bushes.

Cha-krunk!

"Sweet," said Squinchy Eye. "I'd give it a nine-point-seven."

"'Leven-point-two," grunted the other iguana.

"It only goes up to ten." Squinchy Eye peered down at me through the shrubbery. "Lay off the case, Gecko. Or we'll have to lay you out."

I didn't have any snappy answers for that one. Instead, I felt my lumps and bruises, and listened to their footsteps retreat.

Goons giving me heat? That meant I was getting close to something big.

Only question was, would I find it before something big came down on me?

The stretch between lunch and recess didn't last longer than the day before summer vacation, Dad's "when I was a boy" lectures, or the Hundred Years' War.

It just felt that way.

When the recess bell rang, I disappeared from the classroom like allowance money at the mall. This case was getting tangled. It would take Natalie's and my brainpower, plus a jumbo pair of scissors, to cut through the kinks.

We met at the swings. I was taking this case too personally, and I needed to get my head straight. Sometimes the motion helps loosen up my thinking. (And sometimes it's just fun to swing.)

As we swung, I gave Natalie the scoop on my lunchtime adventures.

"So Luz took off?" she said. "Sure sounds like she's guilty of something."

"Of flying in the halls, at the very least," I said, pulling on the chains.

Natalie rushed past me. "But who sicced those two goons on you? Luz?"

"Or someone else I've been bugging."

She grinned. "How to choose? There are so many."

"It's my natural charm," I said, whooshing forward. "Which reminds me: What happened with you and our charming lynx friend?"

Natalie bailed out at the top, spread her wings, and glided down to the sand.

Show-off.

"I followed Mr. Mauler down the halls," she said. "First, he slipped into another classroom. And then he went and stood outside the teachers' lounge, peering through the window."

"Huh," I said. "That's..." I zoomed forward. At the height of my arc, I let go and tucked into a ball.

One flip, two flips...

Ker-whomp!

Belly flop.

"Interesting," I wheezed.

Natalie helped me up. "Stick with detecting," she said. "And leave flying to the birds and the squirrels."

"What was Mr. Mauler up to at the teachers' lounge?" I wondered. "Checking if the coast was clear for stealing?"

Natalie shrugged. "So what next, Mr. PI? The lady or the lynx?"

I hoofed it for the hallways. "The lady," I said. "She's hiding something, and with a little pressure, we can squeeze it out of her."

But before we could find the squirrel, I came in for some pressure of my own.

A hulking shape stepped from the shadows of the first building.

Principal Zero.

"Did you kiddies have fun on the swings?" he purred.

"Sure did," said Natalie. "We—"

"That's nice," said the big cat. "While you were lollygagging, we had another theft—a pair of diamond earrings from Ms. Glick's desk."

"Uh-oh," I said.

"
Uh-oh
is right," said Mr. Zero. His tail began to twitch—never a good sign. "Have you identified the thief yet?"

I studied a clump of grass. "Er, no, but we've got a couple of solid leads."

The principal bent close. His tuna-fish breath surrounded me like a cloud. "Then follow them," he said. "Tick-tock, Gecko. The fair is tomorrow. Time's a-wasting."

And with a farewell glare, Big Fat Zero turned and stalked away.

"Nothing like a little pep talk to get us motivated," said Natalie.

"You're right," I said. "That was nothing like a little pep talk."

We patrolled the halls with a new sense of urgency. But Luz Lipps was harder to find than an
I LOVE BULLIES
button in a herd of nerds. We searched on.

Passing near the office, we spotted a familiar face on the other side of the school fence: Percy, the feisty rattlesnake from that morning's protest. And he was talking with Johnny Ringo.

They gave us the hairy eyeball as we walked by.

"I don't trust that sidewinder," I said.

"Which one?" asked Natalie.

"Take your pick. Either one of them could be behind the thefts."

She glanced back. "Shall we spy?"

"Let's split up. You watch these creeps; I'll track down Luz."

But after combing my way through the school
and back again, I came up Luz-less. I stopped to slurp some water from a handy fountain.

As I wiped my mouth, Natalie fluttered up.

"What's the word, mockingbird?" I asked.

"Just a sec-o, Gecko."

I winced.

"Sorry," said Natalie. "Sometimes a girl can't come up with a good rhyme in time."

She filled me in on her spying. It seems Percy and Johnny had gabbed awhile like old friends, then the rattler had slipped something to the raccoon.

"What was it?" I asked.

Natalie shook her head. "I couldn't see. Did you find Luz?"

"Nope. Looks like the squirrel has gone to ground."

"Or to tree," said Natalie.

"Huh?"

She waved a wing at the trees by the playground. "Why don't I fly around and see if I can spot her from above?"

"Want a passenger?" I asked.

"Nothing doing," she said. "This is a solo job."

"Fair enough." I pushed back my hat. "But what can I do?"

Natalie winked. "Doesn't Mr. Mauler have a desk somewhere?"

"Yeah, I think so, in that room where they store the—" I caught her meaning and grinned. "But what kind of low-down character would break into a room and search a teacher's desk?"

Natalie gave me a look. "What kind, indeed?"

While she flew the friendly skies, I hustled over to the storage room where the musical instruments were kept. Recess was slipping away like a cheetah on ice skates. We needed to nail down a suspect, and fast.

Mauler was our best bet.

I tried the door. Locked. I looked up.

One of the high windows was ajar.

Glancing both ways, I scrambled up the wall. With a push and a
creeeeak,
the window swung inward. I poked my head into the darkened room.

Mr. Mauler's desk lay below and to the right. Bingo!

I wedged my body through the narrow opening, getting stuck only once. (So sue me—I'm a gecko who likes his moth milk shakes.) Minus a button, I climbed down the wall on the other side.

All manner of instruments and stacks of sheet music packed the floor. Making for the desk, I eased past a row of horns and drums.

Footsteps scuffed in the hall outside.

I whirled to look.

Boom!
My tail whapped the bass drum.

I froze.

Faint voices came from the door. "What was that?" said the higher one.

"Cockroaches," growled the lower voice—Gustav Mauler. "I vill see you later."

A key scratched in the lock. The doorknob rattled.

Frantic, I scanned the room. No cabinets to hide in. No curtains to cover me.

I leaped over the bass drum and ducked behind it.

The door swung open.

Plink!
The lights came on.

Holding perfectly still, I watched through the drumskins. A shadowy shape slid past. Moments later, the chair squeaked and a drawer clattered open.

Was Mr. Mauler adding to his stolen booty?

Moving slower than a baby turtle at bedtime, I peeked around the drum.

The big lynx was gazing into his desk with a smile. If only I could see his stash, we could wrap this case up right now.

I leaned out a bit farther...

His yellow eyes lasered into me. "Aha!" he cried. "Ve haff caught ourselves de sneak thief!"

Gustav Mauler had played me like a Stradiwhatchamacallit—one of those fancy violins. He hauled me up to Principal Zero's office. On the way, we passed scores of kids returning from recess.

"Dis is de thief!" Mr. Mauler told them.

No big deal. Sticks and stones may break my bones, and all that. I knew Mr. Zero would be calm and understanding.

"You
what?!
" the principal snarled when we stood before him.

"I can explain," I said.

"No need for dot," said Mr. Mauler. "I caught dis lizard in de act."

"You broke into his room?" Mr. Zero asked me, tail lashing.

"Well, technically, yes," I said, "but—"

The principal's gaze shifted to Gustav Mauler. "And what was he stealing?"

"Everything, probably," said the lynx. "You can tell from his beady eyes."

I opened my arms wide. "Search me," I said. "I didn't even take a harmonica."

Mr. Mauler waved a clawed finger in my face. "But only because I caught you."

"
He's
the thief!" I told Principal Zero. "He ripped off my sister!"

"Ridiculous!" the lynx growled. "Don't listen to dis little clown."

My gut clenched like a clammy fist. "
Clowns?
" I gulped, looking around. "Where?"

The principal held up a paw. "Enough." His voice cut through our chatter like a buzz saw through a paper doll. He pointed at me. "Gecko, speak."

"He's been sneaking in and out of empty classrooms," I said.

"Mauler, is this true?" said Mr. Zero.

The lynx shook his shaggy head. "Dis is my job," he blustered. "I go from room to room. De gecko is lying."

Heat rose to my face. "Mama Gecko didn't raise no liars."

"No," said Mr. Zero, "just a kid who doesn't know grammar."

I gestured at the music teacher. "If you check his desk, I bet you'll find the missing items."

Principal Zero pricked up his ears. He stared at Mr. Mauler.

"Oh, no, no," said the lynx, puffing out his chest. "I von't just stand by vhile you search my personal desk on de vord of a mere
student.
"

"Oh, really?" said Principal Zero. "Would you prefer to sit instead?"

Despite his threat to "report dis to de teachers' union," Mr. Mauler returned to his office with us. "Dis is absurd," he said as Mr. Zero approached the desk. "I vill tell de superintendent."

The principal sat down in the desk chair. It grumbled like a grandma whose soup is too cold.

I crowded close. "You'll see. It's packed with stolen—"

Mr. Zero slid open the center drawer. It held the usual pencils, paper, and erasers, plus a dozen ...

"Plastic roses?" I said.

"See? I told you," said Gustav Mauler, crossing his arms.

Principal Zero narrowed his eyes. "Gecko?"