His Uncle's Favorite (54 page)

For some time, there was silence; the glasses were filled again. They continued to stare at the wall rather than each other.

“I remember you were all very worried for me, but I gave little import to your concern. I was reckless and self-absorbed. I cared nothing about others’ pain. I believed I was correct in my behaviour; not for a moment did I consider I might have done something wrong. But I was—so very wrong!” Darcy spoke calmly, his hand clenching his glass.

The earl finally turned to look at his nephew; he accepted and held the inquiring gaze.

“I have never spoken to anyone about that, and I never shall. Only my affection and respect for you as well as your genuine care for Elizabeth—which I know to be reciprocated—convinces me to make this confession.”

He paused and rose, beginning to pace the room.

“I was attracted and charmed almost from the first day I met Elizabeth. I was bewitched in a way that was completely new and frightening for me, and I spent many days and nights convincing myself that such feelings were inappropriate and dangerous. I left Hertfordshire on the pretext of saving Bingley from an unsuitable marriage, but I also did it to remove myself from Elizabeth. I shall not give you more details; it suffices to say that you were right to question the reasons for my interference in Bingley’s affairs, but it took a long time to understand that. Then I met her again, and again I was wrong; you noticed almost immediately her dislike for me. I chose to misinterpret her behaviour and convinced myself she was shared my feelings and welcomed them. So, the day after the ball, I went to Gracechurch Street and proposed to her. I diligently exposed to her my feelings along with my doubts and uncertainties. I told her I had to fight against my pride, duty and even common sense to accept a connection to her family, which was so much beneath me. I hurt her in every possible way, and I had no doubt that she would accept my proposal with gratitude. After all, I am Fitzwilliam Darcy, and she is the daughter of a country gentleman with a small estate.”

Darcy stopped and looked at his uncle, whose countenance expressed shock and disbelief. He continued, attempting a smile to lighten the tension.

“She rejected me without hesitation. She accused me of being selfish and insensitive to the feelings of others, which we both know to be the truth. She properly humbled me as neither you nor my beloved parents ever did. My parents taught me what was right but never taught me to correct my temper. I was taught good principles but left to follow them in pride and conceit. Elizabeth placed a mirror in front of me and forced me to see myself in it—to see myself in her eyes. She showed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being pleased. Her words were as harsh and as painful as they were true, but for some time I did not allow the truth to touch my mind—that is, until I realised that running away does not bring relief and that happiness does not come from solitude. And then I returned to London.”

The tension was so burdening that each of them felt the weight of it. The earl rose, opened two windows, then continued to pace the room, glancing at his favourite nephew from time to time. Then he finally spoke.

“Damn, Nephew, I am amazed that you can be such an idiot at times! It is a wonder how you inherited this trait from me!”

Darcy smiled but said nothing. He stared at his uncle, waiting for him to continue.

“I… It is just that… I have always admired Madeleine Gardiner, but I have never considered… I valued and treasured my friendship with Edward Gardiner, and I would never dare to…”

“Of course,” Darcy replied calmly.

“But during the last year I found myself enjoying her company more than anyone else’s. And I kept searching for it—for her company, I mean. And…I was certain she accepted my attentions…so…a couple of days ago as you left for Hertfordshire, I proposed.”

“It did not go well, I presume.”

“No, it did not… In fact, yesterday I would have said it was horrible but now that you have shared your own experience, I must change my assessment. I did not make a fool of myself as you did—at least I hope not; my age should give me some small advantage. Neither of us was either impolite or offensive. But I believe I was too hasty. She was certainly surprised, and she even seemed frightened. She confessed she never thought I might come to her with such a proposal. She declined me decidedly, though she was kind and generous in her refusal, but I felt I pained her. I attempted to take the proposal back and assured her she had no reason to feel uncomfortable—that I would wait for her answer as long as she needed. I expressed my hope that the incident would not affect our friendship, and I assured her of my esteem and affection.”

His emotion made the earl’s speech difficult, and Darcy thought he never before saw his uncle in such a state. He patiently waited.

“She was extremely disturbed; I could see she was tearful though she tried to conceal her distress. She apologised many times and assured me of her gratitude for my support and friendship, and she asked my forgiveness for upsetting me. It was so painful to watch her barely fighting her tears—without daring to do anything to comfort her. I… I had little else to do except leave, though I wished to stay and talk to her as I used to do when I had a problem and needed advice. I hoped I could return the next day after we both had time to reconcile with our feelings. But…the next day I received a letter from her, saying she was forced to sever our friendship and begging me to allow her the time and distance to come to peace with herself. She asked my forgiveness if something in her behaviour misled me and raised expectations that could not be fulfilled. And she has refused to speak to me—or Selina—since then.”

The earl gulped the remaining brandy and filled his glass again. Darcy stood silent.

“So, Nephew—any wise advice for your old and unwise uncle?” He laughed bitterly.

“No indeed, sir. I have no advice, and I dare say none is needed—except not to leave Town for this reason and not to be hasty anymore. And to respect her request. I speak from my own painful experience, not necessarily from wisdom.”

“Hmm—you said no advice and yet here are three pieces of advice, all reasonably wise I might say. Do you think…considering what you said to me and how things changed for you and Elizabeth…do you believe there might be a change of mind by Mrs. Gardiner?”

Darcy looked at his always self-confident, daring, mocking, and sometimes-impertinent uncle, now watching him display the uncertainty of a schoolboy.

“As your lordship once said, I am not the most reliable person in matters of the heart. Besides, I was wrong once in estimating a lady’s feelings for my friend Bingley, so I would not dare form an opinion. What I can say from my own observation is that Mrs. Gardiner obviously enjoyed your company. But she is a very proper lady, and she would never allow her feelings to be openly displayed, even if those feelings did exist. And more so, I imagine how difficult it must be for her to consider binding herself to another man after she shared a life based on the deepest affection with a most beloved husband who died unexpectedly. I would imagine such a woman would not open her heart easily or allow her feelings to be exposed with haste, but that would only make it more worth the effort to conquer her heart.”

The earl stared at his nephew in silence, both their countenances stern and unmovable.

“Damn, Nephew, you might be an idiot sometimes, but you are as wise as Georgiana always said—very wise, indeed. You surely inherited that from your father.”

Another glass of brandy and some tentative smiles were shared before they finally left the library. Just before they stepped out, the earl turned to Darcy again.

“Nephew, this conversation never took place. None of these subjects have been discussed.”

“What conversation, sir?”

“Indeed—what conversation? Now—you and Georgiana should join me for dinner at Selina’s. I dare say she will be pleased to see us.”

“So I would imagine, Uncle. I shall see you later tonight.”

***

Darcy exited Matlock’s house and hesitated a moment before he gave orders to the coachman. When he arrived in Gracechurch Street, he was still uncertain whether his decision was the correct one, but he dismissed any thought that might advise against it.

The servant introduced him to the drawing room where Mrs. Gardiner and the children were. He was greeted as warmly as he expected, but Mrs. Gardiner’s charming smile could not hide the dark circles around her eyes or her pallor. He took the offered seat while the hostess ordered drinks and refreshments and sent the children to their room.

“I am very pleased to see you, sir. I hope everyone at Longbourn is in good health?”

“Indeed they are; thank you. Mrs. Bennet is quite busy with all the wedding preparations. We changed the wedding date; we shall marry in two weeks’ time.”

“Two weeks? That is extraordinary news. Sir, please allow me to tell how happy I am. I truly believe there cannot be a more perfect couple than you and Elizabeth.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Gardiner, your approval means so much to us. I hope Elizabeth is as happy as I am—that is all I want and hope for.”

“I have no doubt she is. In fact, nobody who saw you together lately would doubt that.”

He laughed nervously. “Yes, those who saw us lately might have no doubts. But anyone who saw us a few months ago would never imagine such a happy ending, I am sure.”

Mrs. Gardiner released a delicate chuckle. “True. The beginning of your acquaintance was quite challenging, I might say.”

“It is amazing how fate chooses to play with us sometimes. Less than six months ago, I never would have imagined I would be married by summer—and certainly not to Miss Elizabeth Bennet.”

He looked at his hostess with great seriousness, and then continued.

“I admired Elizabeth from the very beginning, and my feelings for her began to grow long before I admitted those feelings to myself. I never thought I might attach myself to her, as I was certain she was not suitable to be my wife; I forbade my mind and my heart even to consider her. However, there came a painful moment when I had to face the danger of losing her forever. The despair of never seeing her again forced me to ask myself about my true wishes and to take proper measures. It took me a long time to recognise that my happiness was Elizabeth. I learned in a most painful way that sometimes two people might not like each other in the beginning or might have a wrong first impression about each other or might begin as mere acquaintances—or quite the contrary, be long-time friends—only to discover that fate has different plans for them. And if one fails to recognise one’s true feelings and wishes, the distance from happiness to despair is a mere step away.”

Darcy’s voice remained calm even as he struggled to smile. However, by the time he ended his confession, Mrs. Gardiner’s eyes were tearful, and she was biting her lips in a valiant attempt to maintain her countenance. For a time, there was a heavy silence in the room. Mrs. Gardiner’s pale face coloured red while her hands trembled in her lap.

Finally, Darcy rose and bowed to her. “Mrs. Gardiner, please forgive me if my words upset you; that was never my intention. You know how greatly Elizabeth admires and loves you, and please have no doubt about my affection and gratitude for you.”

“Thank you, sir. And please do not worry; you did not upset me. I shall be fine.”

“I am glad to hear that. And I hope you feel better soon; my cousin and my sister were quite worried about you. I hope you know how much they value your friendship.”

“Yes, I know… Please convey my apologies to them. I hope we shall meet again soon.”

“Perfect. I shall leave you now; I must send a detailed letter to Elizabeth and assure her you will attend our wedding in two weeks. She was most insistent about that.”

Mrs. Gardiner forced a gentle smile. “Mr. Darcy, you are a wise man, sir.”

“Believe me, I am not; but I thank you nevertheless.” He smiled back.

“Sir, I was wondering… Is Lord Matlock well, I hope?”

“Not at the moment, but I am quite sure he soon will be. Good day, Mrs. Gardiner!”

Outside the house, Darcy took a deep breath of fresh air. Only then did he feel the tension and understand how delicate his intervention had been. Fortunately, Mrs. Gardiner was a woman of great intelligence and remarkable wisdom, so she surely took his words properly. And she did not seem upset—sad, troubled maybe, even fearful, but not upset.

Perhaps he was a wise man after all since both the earl and Mrs. Gardiner declared it so.

***

There was a din during meal at Selina’s, and everyone spoke more than they actually ate. The Matlock siblings, along with Anne and Georgiana, were utterly surprised to see their father almost his usual self. He did not miss the opportunity to tease Darcy about the disappointment of half the ladies in London at his marriage, a comment that made Anne and Georgiana blush violently.

Darcy inquired about Lady Catherine, but he was told they had no news since she returned to Rosings. The announcements about Darcy’s engagement to Elizabeth were already in the newspapers, so it was presumed Lady Catherine was resigned that there was nothing she could do. Anne then asked whether Mr and Mrs. Bennet were upset over Lady Catherine’s visit to Longbourn, but Darcy could assure them—with complete honesty—that they had been delighted. By the end of the evening, Anne’s distress diminished enough to smile and enjoy the good dinner and the joyful company.