His Brand of Passion (13 page)

He glanced away. ‘I’m sorry I’m not ready.’

‘I have this terrible tendency to push,’ Zoe confessed with a shaky laugh. ‘I should tell you about it right up-front, I suppose.’

‘Push?’

‘I always ask for more out of a relationship.’ She let out another laugh, just as shaky. ‘You should see the expression on your face. I know, it’s pretty much poison to most commitment-phobes.’

‘Are you calling me a commitment-phobe?’

‘You and every other man I’ve dated.’

‘And you think it’s them—or you?’

‘Both.’ She hugged her knees to her chest, half amazed that she was admitting this to anyone, much less Aaron. She only hoped he didn’t run a mile when he heard about all of
her craziness. ‘Have you ever been in a high place and had a weird urge to jump off, just because you could? Like in a tower or on a mountain or something?’

Aaron’s mouth quirked in a small, surprised smile. ‘Umm…sort of.’

‘Apparently it’s fairly common. Well, I have that urge when it comes to relationships.’

‘To jump?’

‘Exactly.’ She sighed, knowing she needed to explain everything. Even Tim. ‘I’ve had four serious relationships, which at my age may not seem that many, but in some ways it was four too many.’

‘How so?’

‘I flung myself into each one without really thinking things through, wondering if the guy I was with was right for me, or even right at all. Honourable.’

‘Honourable?’ Aaron frowned, the effect quite ferocious. ‘What kind of guys did you date, Zoe?’

‘Jerks, mainly, but I convinced myself I loved each and every one of them. Maybe I really did love them. I’m not sure I know the difference.’

‘I can’t help you with that one,’ Aaron said quietly and she felt her heart twist because, really, what was she doing here with a man who had already told her he would never love her? That he couldn’t?

‘I rushed into each relationship, determined to make it work. And of course it didn’t.’

‘Of course? Is it so obvious?’

‘Well, Millie always joked that I picked the absolute biggest commitment-phobic toe-rags to date, and she’s probably right. I think I actually did it on purpose, on a subconscious level at least. If the guy wasn’t that good to begin with, it wasn’t my fault if it didn’t work out.’ She paused, took a breath. ‘That part’s probably because of Tim.’

Aaron stilled, as if he sensed the importance of that confession. ‘Tim?’

‘My fiancé.’

He didn’t move, his expression didn’t even change, but Zoe still felt his shock. ‘You were engaged?’

‘For about two weeks.’ She smiled ruefully, although even now, three years later, the memories still hurt. ‘We dated for a year before that, though.’

‘What happened?’

‘He dumped me.’ She tried for insouciance and knew she didn’t quite manage it. ‘Because his boss told him to.’

‘What?’

‘Yeah, I know, right? In the twenty-first century and everything.’ She shook her head. ‘Tim was in finance, some kind of investment thing.’

‘Hedge-fund manager?’ Aaron guessed with a ghost of a smile and Zoe laughed.

‘No, but same ball park. To tell you the truth, I never quite got what he did. That was probably part of the problem.’

‘So what problem did his boss have with you?’

‘I wasn’t right for Tim’s image. He was going places, you see, within the firm. Lots of international travel, hosting dinners, that sort of thing. I didn’t quite fit in that picture.’

‘And so this Tim listened to his boss?’

‘Pretty much.’

‘He sounds like a total waste of space.’

‘Well, I loved him—or at least I thought I did.’ Yet she knew that what she felt for Aaron was even more than she’d ever felt for her former fiancé. How scary was that?’ ‘Anyway,’ she resumed, ‘when he broke it off, I was devastated. I hadn’t even told my family yet—I was waiting till we picked out the ring.’

Aaron cocked his head. ‘And you never told them, did you?’

Zoe blinked, surprised that he’d guessed. That he knew.
‘No, I didn’t. Because two days later Millie’s husband and daughter died in a car crash, and the last thing anyone needed to hear about was my sorry little drama.’

‘And after, later? Did you tell them then?’

Her throat tightened and she shook her head. ‘No.’

‘And you weren’t going to tell anyone about your pregnancy, were you? About what happened?’

‘You did that,’ Zoe said, an edge entering her voice again. ‘When you phoned Millie.’

‘I was worried about you and I wanted someone to be with you even if it couldn’t be me.’ He paused, his eyes dark. ‘Are you angry that I called her?’

‘No, I’m not angry. How can I be, when I know you just wanted to help?’ She sighed, shaking her head. ‘I’m just…embarrassed, really. Angry at myself for screwing up everything in my life.’ She blinked, nearly brought to tears by the raw admission.

Aaron was silent for a long moment, and then Zoe felt his hand wrap around the back of her neck, warm and strong. ‘You’re not screwing this up,’ he said softly. ‘This is something good.’

‘Yes,’ Zoe whispered, because she knew it was, even though she was still so afraid that it might all go wrong. That she would push too hard and Aaron would walk away. That he wouldn’t have enough to give and she’d be left empty-handed and broken-hearted.

‘I think you’re too hard on yourself,’ he whispered as he drew her inexorably closer. ‘And I think you don’t like admitting weakness or failure to anyone, even the people who love you. I know how that feels.’

‘I bet you do.’ He laughed softly, his lips a breath away from hers. And then he kissed her.

It was the first time he’d kissed her since that one night, and this was infinitely sweeter and more precious than anything
that had happened before. His lips moved gently over hers, a reassurance that this
was
good. They were good together. Zoe put her hands on his shoulders and then slid her arms around his neck. Her breasts pressed against his chest and the contact was achingly, agonisingly pleasurable. Aaron deepened the kiss.

Gently he pushed her back onto the blanket, his hand sliding along her middle and then up to cup her breast. Zoe pushed back against him, craving the contact, their legs tangled amidst the detritus of their picnic. She could feel his arousal pressing against her, felt his fingers teasing her, sending arrows of pleasure shooting through her. And frustration, too, because she knew this couldn’t go anywhere—or at least not as far as her body desperately wanted.

‘I feel like a teenager,’ she murmured against his mouth. ‘You know I’m not cleared for sex yet, right?’

‘I know,’ Aaron admitted with a groan. ‘But I can’t resist touching you.’ He slid his hand from her breast down to her middle and then to the pulsing warmth between her thighs. ‘Okay?’ he murmured and she nodded, because it was more than okay. The pressure of his hand against her was exquisite, and as he moved his fingers with knowing and gentle precision she arched against him and gasped out a sudden, intense climax.

‘That was quick,’ Aaron said, a smile in his voice as he kissed her mouth.

‘It was, wasn’t it?’ Zoe agreed shakily. She felt dazed by her intense and immediate response to him, more than she’d ever experienced with anyone before. It almost scared her, how much she wanted him.

How much she loved him.

No, she couldn’t think like that. Not yet—maybe not ever, no matter how much she wanted to. How much she wanted him to think the same way.

With a smile she pushed Aaron onto his back. ‘Now your turn,’ she said softly, and his eyes widened.

‘You don’t have to…’

With a throaty, knowing laugh, she skimmed her hand down the length of his erection. ‘Oh, yes,’ she said. ‘I do.’

And then they didn’t talk any more, for there was nothing but the giving and receiving of pleasure, until they lay sated—mostly, anyway, Zoe thought wryly—in each other’s arms while the sun shone benevolently overhead.

‘I’
D SAY THAT
physically you’re just about a hundred percent now,’ Dr Adams said with a smile. ‘But tell me how you feel.’

Zoe slid off the examining table. ‘I feel a hundred percent,’ she said firmly. She’d been back in New York for three days, and the doctor’s clean bill of health was music to her ears. At last she could be with Aaron as she wanted to be…as she was desperate to be ever since their precious few weeks on St Julian’s.

‘Have you considered counselling?’ Dr Adams asked. ‘Or therapy? The experience you had was traumatic, and there will be ongoing—’

‘I know that.’ She nodded, although she really didn’t want to talk about that now. ‘I work in therapy myself, so I understand that and I’m looking into it. I know it will take a long time to heal emotionally.’

‘We have resources, if you need them. A support group meets here at the hospital.’

‘Thank you,’ Zoe said. ‘I’ll look into it.’

As she left the hospital she had a spring in her step—and a fear in her heart. As pleased as she was about the doctor’s all-clear, she couldn’t help but feel nervous for what lay ahead. The last few weeks with Aaron had been wonderful…but it hadn’t been easy.

They’d spent two weeks on St Julian’s, which Zoe knew
was an enormous amount of time for Aaron to be away from his work. He’d checked his phone and email often, and spent most afternoons tele-commuting while she’d lounged by the pool. But even with the constant pressures of work, there had been times—wonderful times—with just the two of them. Walks along the beach and candlelit dinners; long nights wrapped in each other’s arms and endless kisses and touching that just didn’t go quite far enough.

It had all been wonderful, but at the same time Zoe still sensed a distance in Aaron, a place he didn’t allow her—or anyone—access. In exasperation she’d once asked sarcastically, ‘Do you have any
hobbies?’

To which he’d replied flatly, ‘No.’

The man was a machine. A machine who still didn’t want to be known or understood, at least not completely. How could a relationship survive in those kinds of conditions?

Millie had told her to give it time. Upon returning to New York, Zoe had moved in with Millie and Chase rather than go back to her lonely apartment. She wasn’t ready to move back in with Aaron—not that he’d even offered.

The night she’d got back Chase had made himself scarce; Millie had made margaritas and nachos—their snack of choice—and they’d both curled up on the sofa and had the kind of heart-to-heart they hadn’t had in years.

‘I’d be the first one to say I wasn’t sure about Aaron,’ Millie said bluntly. ‘About you and Aaron. From what Chase has told me, the guy seemed like a complete jerk—arrogant, autocratic, totally controlling.’

‘But?’ Zoe said, trying to smile. She knew there was a different man underneath that authoritative facade, but she didn’t know if she could trust him—or if that man could love her.

‘He clearly cares about you. And he obviously has wanted to do the right thing for you.’

‘And the baby?’ Zoe filled in. ‘That hardly counts now. And doing the right thing isn’t a foundation for a relationship.’

‘No,’ Millie answered. ‘But it shows the nature of his character. He’s honourable, Zoe. He’s good.’

‘That only goes so far.’ Zoe swallowed, her fears seeming to crowd her throat, making it hard to speak. ‘Anyway, maybe he just wanted to do the right thing because he felt guilty.’

Millie frowned. ‘You’ve said that before. What did he have to feel guilty about?’

Zoe hesitated, then decided she needed someone to confide in completely. ‘When I first told him I was pregnant, he offered me fifty thousand dollars to have an abortion.’

Millie was silent for a long moment. ‘I guess he changed his mind,’ she finally said.

‘I probably shouldn’t have even told you. He regretted it, and he said it was a bad decision. But—’

‘It’s hard to forget.’

She nodded. ‘I can’t help but think that it’s part of who he is—to leap to that conclusion, to even want that. And, even though he’s shown he’s different with me, he
can
be different, I’m not sure if that’s enough. If he can be different enough. Who’s the real man—the one who made that offer, or the one who said it was a mistake?’

‘You need to give him time. People don’t change overnight.’

‘I know that. And I’m trying not to push but—I’m scared. I don’t want to be hurt again, and worse this time, because I care more for Aaron than anyone else—even Tim.’

Millie frowned. ‘Even Tim?’

Zoe thought of what Aaron had said:
I think you don’t like admitting weakness or failure to anyone, even the people who love you
. He was right, she knew; he was right because he was the same.
I know how that feels
. ‘I never told you about
Tim,’ she said, and then slowly she began to tell the story of her ex-fiancé.

‘I wish you’d told me when it happened,’ Millie said when Zoe had finished. ‘I know the timing was bad, but still…’

‘I didn’t tell anyone.’

‘There’s something I never told you,’ Millie said quietly. ‘About Rob.’

‘Rob?’ Millie didn’t talk much about her former husband; as far as Zoe had ever known, they’d had a great relationship.

‘When I was pregnant with Charlotte, he wanted me to have an abortion.’

Zoe’s mouth dropped open. ‘So you know how that feels.’

‘It wasn’t the right time, he felt. We still had so much to prove in our careers. I almost went along with him.’ She was silent for a long moment. ‘I even made an appointment. I walked out of it at the last minute—I still feel guilty about it sometimes.’

‘Oh, Mills.’ Zoe shook her head. ‘Aaron told me I was too hard on myself, and I think you are, too.’

‘That’s what Chase says,’ Millie admitted with a small smile.

‘Those Bryant brothers. They know what they’re talking about.’

Millie leaned forward, her face turning serious. ‘Do you love him, Zoe?’

Zoe swallowed, the question reverberating inside her, as well as its undeniable answer. ‘I’m afraid I do.’

Now as she walked towards the subway to go to her art-therapy session, she wondered why she’d said it like that:
I’m afraid I do
.

Was love that scary? Yes, it most certainly was. It was terrifying…especially when Aaron had made no promises. He’d already told her he didn’t know how much he had to give, that he wasn’t even sure he could love. When there had
been a baby to consider, Zoe had thought she could accept those conditions.

But now…now she knew she’d been fooling herself. Those conditions were terrible, and she could never accept them. Never live with them, day after endless day. Maybe she’d convinced herself before that she could because part of her had already been falling for him, was already desperate.

But now, for once, she wanted to be strong. She didn’t want to make the same mistake over and over again—falling for a guy who was all wrong for her, who would never love her back, and this time so much harder.

If I was stronger, I would end it now
.

Give it time
.

Yet how much time? How much possibility for pain? She took a deep breath, let it out slowly. She had no answer to those questions.

Aaron drummed his fingers against his thigh as his limo sped towards Millie and Chase’s townhouse on Central Park West, where he was picking up Zoe for an evening out.

He felt as if there were bands of steel wrapped around his skull, tightening with every second. The two weeks he’d spent on St Julian’s had been costly, perhaps more costly than he’d ever know. Someone was continuing to make a move on Bryant Enterprises, buying up shares, skulking in the background. Meanwhile the uncertain economy in Europe and Asia was wreaking havoc on the funds Aaron managed. He felt as if he were teetering on a precipice of disaster, and his only salvation was Zoe.

Had his father felt like this, with his legion of mistresses? Had he only been able to find peace and even sanity with the women who had controlled and ultimately ruined him?

And would Aaron be the same?

During the last weeks with Zoe, he’d fought against that
fear. His father had led his business, his family and even his life into disaster because of his attachment to women—and one woman in particular. When Aaron had discovered his father’s weakness, he’d vowed not to share it. Not to give anyone control over him, not to need anyone that much, and certainly not to love.

Yet Zoe was breaking through all those boundaries, breaking him. He needed her, maybe even loved her.

No
.

The denial was instinctive, necessary. It was how he’d lived his life. Could he really change that much? Did he even want to?

The limo pulled up in front of Chase and Millie’s brownstone. ‘I’ll just be a minute,’ Aaron said tersely, and with his mind still in a ferment he went to fetch Zoe.

She was still getting ready upstairs when Aaron arrived and he spent a few awkward moments with Chase, conscious now of Zoe’s question:
Why aren’t you close with your brothers?

He never had been, even as a child. he’d been set apart from an early age, too early for him actually to remember. He was the oldest, the most responsible, the one who had to be in charge. And when his father had died and he’d realised just what that meant, what it would cost, that had driven him and his brothers even further apart.

Now Chase smiled easily and cracked open a beer. ‘How’s it going?’

‘Fine,’ Aaron said tersely. He could not relax. Not with Chase, and perhaps not even with Zoe. He felt the pressure build inside his head, inside his heart. He wanted her, needed her—and that terrified him.

Chase arched an eyebrow. ‘You sure about that?’

‘I’m sure, Chase.’

‘Everything’s good with BE?’

Aaron’s mouth twisted. He did not want to talk about Bryant Enterprises with Chase, or with anyone. He did not even want to think about it. ‘Everything’s fine, Chase.’

Chase shrugged and nodded. ‘And you’d tell me if it wasn’t.’

No, of course he wouldn’t. ‘What is this?’ Aaron arched an eyebrow sardonically. ‘It’s not like we’ve had heart-to-hearts in the past, Chase.’

‘Always a good time to start.’

Aaron shook his head. ‘I have nothing to say. I’m fine. Bryant Enterprises is fine.’ He felt his throat constrict and silently cursed. What was
wrong
with him? Zoe was making him weak, needy. Desperate. ‘Damn it, everything’s fine,’ he said hoarsely, and turned away.

Chase, thankfully, didn’t reply, and a few minutes later Zoe came downstairs. Aaron viewed her as if through a haze; he felt his temples throb and the pressure inside him intensify. Yet still he could acknowledge how beautiful she looked: her hair was swept to one side with a sparkly clip and she wore an off-the-shoulder gown in a deep blue that made her eyes shine. She smiled as she came down the stairs, but dimly he registered there was something tentative about her smile, something almost wary. Then he realised he was scowling.

Damn. Already this evening felt like it was going wrong. Somehow he forced the corners of his mouth up into a smile. ‘You look beautiful.’

‘Thank you.’ She still looked uncertain but as Millie joined Chase in the foyer Zoe lifted her chin and took his arm. With a nod to his brother and sister-in-law, Aaron stepped out into the night.

Zoe could feel the tension in Aaron’s body, his arm like a steel bar under her hand. She waited until they were in the limo, speeding downtown towards the exclusive club where
Aaron had been invited for a cocktail party, to ask the question that hammered inside her heart.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Aaron.’
She turned to him, tried to make out his expression in the shadowy darkness of the car. Streetlights washed his face in pale yellow every few seconds. She saw how tight-lipped and hard-eyed he looked, and felt her heart quail. Surely it—they—weren’t starting to unravel already. Yet, looking at Aaron’s hard profile, she felt as if they were. ‘Something’s obviously wrong,’ she said quietly. ‘And if you don’t want to talk about it, just say so.’

‘Fine,’ Aaron answered tersely. ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

Well, she’d asked for that one. Zoe felt her nails dig into her palms. ‘Fine,’ she said, trying to sound calm, but a petulant note crept into her voice and she turned to the window.

Don’t overreact
, she told herself.
Don’t assume it’s just like every time before. Give it time, like Millie said
. Yet she desperately craved reassurance, for Aaron to say anything that would bridge the chasm that was widening between them. He didn’t speak.

‘I went to the doctor today,’ she said after a few minutes when they’d been stuck at a traffic light on Park Avenue for a while. Aaron turned to her.

‘Is everything okay?’

‘Yes.’ She took a breath, plunged. ‘I’ve been given the allclear.’ She waited and Aaron just stared. ‘You know.’

‘I know?’ he asked, and to her amazement she thought she heard a teasing note in his voice. She felt a tidal wave of relief crash over her.

‘Don’t you?’ she teased back, and in the wash of the streetlights she saw Aaron’s smile.

‘I hope I do.’ She felt his hand on her shoulder, then stealing
around her neck. He drew her to him and kissed her softly on the lips. ‘Tonight?’ he whispered. ‘If you’re ready?’

Dear lord, she was more than ready. Even if she was still scared and uncertain and so desperately wanted this to
work
. Her mouth still brushing his, she nodded.

Zoe thought she would enjoy the party more than she did: champagne and fancy appetisers; amusing and glamorous people; and, best of all, Aaron by her side, his hand on her elbow, his body so tantalisingly near…which was why she could hardly wait to leave.

All she could think about was what would happen after the party. She imagined them riding home in Aaron’s limo; going up the lift to his penthouse, and stepping into that darkened penthouse, the lights of Manhattan spread all around them in a glittering map.

And then…

‘So you’re a therapist?’