His Baby (10 page)

Zack was silent then, the silence stretching between them. He
was still, staring past her. Diana felt cold and very tired. The house had
gotten chillier and quieter. She considered saying something, but everything
she thought of sounded trite, insincere, self-serving. Finally she slid down in
the covers a little and patted the spot next to her.

He looked at her for a long time, then unfolded his legs and
moved up the bed. He pulled an afghan with him and curled behside her. She put
her hand on his chest and he put his over it. She lay like that a long time,
curled on her side, watching him, waiting for his eyes to close, watching the
sky in the window lighten, feeling as though she were protecting him from
demons. It was an odd feeling, at least connected with Zack, but a familiar one,
she realized. Diana knew how to protect people, how to take care of them. It
was the first time she felt Zack needed her to protect him.

The feeling was familiar enough to be comfortable, but odd
enough to keep her awake, puzzling it over, remembering her own losses,
remembering what he’d told her about Lizzie.

She wasn't sure when she fell asleep but she and Zack woke
up at the same time. He was tangled in the covers, she was trapped beneath
them, Lark was crying and someone was knocking on the door. Zack sat up in the
bed and called out an answer to the knocker. He turned to greet his mother when
she entered, then started to untangle himself.

"Zack, there you are!"

"Here I am, Mother," he said grouchily.

She came a few steps into the room, then hesitated.

"Talk to Lark, Mother, please," he said after a
minute. "I fell asleep on top of the covers and I can't figure this
out."

Diana slid out of the other side of the bed and went to join
Beth at Lark's crib side. Beth gave her a quick glance and then seemed to relax.
Diana looked down at herself and realized she was wearing both her long
nightgown and her dressing gown, well tied up.

"Was Lark up last night?" Beth asked
sympathetically.

Diana just nodded while she took care of Lark's needs.
Attention, clean diaper, then probably a bottle. There had to be part of a
bottle around here somewhere. She hadn't had all of it last night.

"We were up for a number of hours," Zack said. "Probably
left a mess in the den."

"A mess?"

"Well, by your standards. We moved pillows around and I
don't think I put the television down in its cave," he said blandly. Zack
had sorted himself out and was standing at the bedside, stretching a little. He
looked at the two women, fussing over the baby.

"I'm going to go take a shower then figure out why we
shouldn't all go back to bed."

"Oh, dear," Beth said, "I'm awake. I got
plenty of sleep." Diana just looked at her for a moment, feeling pure envy.
She was tired, physically tired and emotionally exhausted. She stared at Beth for
a moment, then handed the freshly diapered baby to her grandmother.

"You feed her then," Diana said. "There's
another bottle in the refrigerator. I'm going back to bed. Wake me up if you
have to."

Zack paused at the doorway and turned back to look at her,
an odd expression on his face. She glared back at him until he turned and
continued on his way. When he had left, Diana pulled off her robe and tossed it
on the chair and caught a glimpse of the older woman.
Whoops
, she
thought.

"Okay, Beth? Is it all right with you?"

Beth smiled at her, a faint smile spreading slowly across
her face. "It's fine. I'll wake you up in a couple of hours." Diana
crawled back into bed, finding the warmth she had just left.

Melissa joined Diana and Sam at the breakfast table. As Diana
chose a seat, the one she had last night, and unfolded her napkin, she decided that
Sam was still at the table because it was interesting. She wondered what Beth
had told him but hadn't had a chance to ask Beth, who was busy with Lark in the
living room. Zack was apparently still asleep.

Sam was reading the newspaper. He had it spread across the
end of the table, taking up his space and Beth's. He poured Melissa some coffee
as she sat down slowly, nursing what appeared to be a tender head.

Diana got some food down, then asked for the Weekend section
of the paper. Sam passed it over.

"Let's go to the Aquarium," he said. "Unless
you want to go to the Museum."

Diana glanced up, smiled vaguely. "Whatever you like,
Mr. White. I don't think it will matter much to Lark."

"Call me Sam," he said gruffly.

"Okay, Sam."

"What did you want to do this weekend, Diana?" he
asked politely.

Diana put down the newspaper and picked up her cup to sip
some coffee. It was really very good coffee. "To be honest," she
said, "I didn't make any plans at all."

"My son said you leave all that to him."

"Well, that's your son's interpretation." At his
raised eyebrow, she explained. "Zack's made sure I don't have to do chores
on the weekend and that we see my brother and sister-in-law every Sunday, so I
pretty much give him first choice on almost everything else."

"How very cozy," Melissa muttered.

Diana felt her hackles go up
. Well
, she thought,
well
-- then spoke politely. "You should join us some weekend. There are two local
hotels and they are quite adequate. Or you could stay at the house with
me," she suggested blandly.

"Zack says he has an apartment there. Couldn't I stay
there?"

"I wouldn't dream of offering Zack's hospitality,"
Diana said.

"Well, of course, it's up to Zack."

"Of course," Sam White said, after a sly sideways
glance at Diana. "What do you think, Melissa? Should we go to the Aquarium
or to the Museum?"

"Well, I think the Museum is very nice," Melissa
answered, but I do love the Aquarium." She talked on. Diana nodded in what
she hoped were the right places, finished her breakfast and poured herself
another cup of coffee. She was starting to feel halfway human. Melissa looked a
little better, as well, especially for someone who chose a dressy dress for the
morning. She'd left off the pearls, though, that helped, and put only the
lightest touch of makeup on her tired face.

The three of them were lingering over coffee when Beth came
in with Lark. She smiled at them and suggested they bring their coffee cups
into the living room so Harriet could clean up the dining room.

"Oh," Melissa said, looking around. "Has Zack
already eaten?" She ducked her head a little and started to say something
else but Beth spoke up.

"No, he's still asleep. I sent him off to his own bed
when I went in to get Lark," she said blandly. Beth didn't react to Sam's
sharp look, just turned and headed back into the living room. Diana pushed her
chair back and debated silently about another cup of coffee.

"Is that how it is?" Melissa said, looking more
annoyed than outraged.

"Pardon me?" Diana said. "Is there a
problem?" she said.

Melissa said, snidely, "I suppose it’s easier to take
care of Lark if he just stays in your room."

"We talked for a while," Diana said, feeling she
had already revealed too much. "He fell asleep." She wanted to feel
defensive, but she couldn't. Beth seemed so amused by the situation. Sam was
folding the paper, putting his reading glasses into a case, moving his chair
back. When Harriet ducked her head around the door from the kitchen, he asked
her to bring another pot of coffee into the living room. Diana decided to bring
her cup with her, despite that white sofa.

Melissa sat still in her seat, watching Diana, waiting until
both doors had closed and they were alone in the dining room. "I think we
need to talk," she said abruptly.

"Talk?" Diana said. She had begun to stand up, but
now stayed put. Of course Melissa wanted to talk.

"About Zack. I'm going to marry him," she said
fiercely. "Don't get any ideas about Zack. We'll have our own
babies."

"Lark will still be his first-born," Diana said
slowly. "I'll still be Lark's aunt."

"That's all you'll be, you know. He might sleep with
you now but he'll get tired of you. He needs a woman who is his intellectual
equal." Not, her expression said, a country mouse. "He won't sleep
with you after we're married, I guarantee you that." She tossed her napkin
on the table and glared up at Diana.

For a moment, Diana wanted to console her, but then she
realized nothing she said would make Melissa feel better.
Even
, she
thought,
the truth
. Then, reconsidering, she amended that thought.
Especially
the truth
. Diana started to stand up again, then hesitated as Harriet
hustled through the room with a heavy silver pot of coffee.

"I'm not even sure Lark is his daughter," Melissa
said angrily as the living room door swung shut.

That got Diana's attention.

"What?"

"She doesn't look anything like him. She has blue eyes
and blonde hair. None of the Whites and none of Mrs. White's family have blue
eyes and blonde hair. I know something about genetics. It's not very possible. Now,
if your sister looked something like me," she tossed her head, calling
attention to her blonde hair to make the point, "then I might believe it. But
Zack's showed me the pictures he has and your sister isn't blonde or blue eyed.
It just doesn't make sense."

Diana just stared for a moment, looking up when Harriet
hustled back through the dining room into the kitchen, waiting until the
kitchen door had closed.

"Zack believes he's Lark's father," Diana said
slowly. "He slept with Robin. They were engaged to be married."

"And she didn't sleep with anyone else?" Melissa
said.

"Of course not," Diana said automatically.

"Are you sure?" Melissa asked.

"Absolutely," Diana answered firmly.

Melissa just stared at her, then stood up and left the room.
Diana sat there for another few minutes, struggling with a more honest answer
to that question. A year ago, Diana wouldn't have had any doubts. Now, she
wasn't sure that she could speak with such confidence about anything to do with
Robin.

But,
she thought as she headed for the living room,
the
matter wasn't something I want to discuss with Melissa
-- who was, when
Diana sat down on the couch, making a big production of giving Lark the present
she brought last night.

Beth had to open it, of course, but Diana was sure the
present was meant to impress Beth, not Lark. Lark didn't care about an
exquisitely knit sweater, threaded with tiny pink ribbons and small seed pearls
mated with a pair of booties that were not meant for walking. Diana fervently
hoped that the pearls weren't real, but didn't voice her fear aloud.

If they were
, she thought,
I’ll have Beth keep the
sweater here, in a vault or something
. It was beautiful, Diana said
sincerely, and gave Melissa her best smile. They were all beaming when Zack
entered the room, but despite Melissa's expectant movement forward, he went
straight to Lark and kissed her on the cheek, then picked her up and took her
into the kitchen with him, telling her that maybe, if she was very very good he
would let her eat a little bit of scrambled eggs which, he explained over his
shoulder as he was leaving, if he were very very lucky, Harriet would consent
to make for him.

Diana, Sam, Beth, and Zack spent a mild, sunny, slightly
windy Saturday afternoon in downtown Chicago walking around the Art Museum,
taking turns pushing Lark's stroller. Lark made occasional forays onto
someone's arms until she got tired of being fussed over.

Sunday, despite debating other options, the group stayed
home, at the White house, enjoying a somewhat choppy looking lake and another
bright but chillier day. There was a sailboat in a boathouse, but Diana
couldn't quite believe that it wouldn't be colder on the water. Sam agreed she
was prudent, maybe they would go sailing when Lark was a little older. They all
walked and played outside until the afternoon got too cold, then ended up in
the second floor of the boathouse, which had the feel of a cabin in the woods.

Beth was so taken with her grandbaby, and so busy
encouraging a nervous looking Sam, that Diana gradually started relaxing. Zack's
parents were two people who seemed exactly like what they were, which sounded
complicated when she thought about it, but was very simple in practice. Sam
White, who began the weekend gruff and withdrawn, ended up Sunday afternoon
with Lark in the crux of his arm, both of them sleeping on a big recliner in
the boathouse next to a roaring fire.

Sam and Beth had a previous commitment on Sunday evening. The
fund raising tickets were one part of it, but Sam had agreed to make a speech
and Beth was nominated for an award. The two of them went upstairs to dress; they
returned downstairs to the dining room, where Diana and Zack were feeding Lark
-- trying out both the new high chair and a new baby food -- and began fussing
over Lark.

"You're going to get pureed peas on that lovely dress,
Beth" Diana said finally, feeling a little bit like a fussy mother sending
a teenager to a dance. Beth just smiled serenely at her and reached out to pat
Diana's cheek. Suddenly Diana felt very young and vulnerable.

"The two of you are such lovely additions to the
family," Beth said. "What a picture you make. You're a good mother
and Lark is such a beautiful baby."

Diana started to protest the comment but there was no time. Sam
bent down to give Lark a kiss on the forehead and, in passing, winked at Diana.
Zack was busy wiping up tossed peas from the vinyl sheet that had been laid on
the lovely rug. No one but her seemed to be worried about a mess. Diana thought
it was a miracle Lark hadn't left some obnoxious stain on a piece of valuable
furniture.

When she and Zack got around to eating a little later, they
sat at one end of the big dining room table and served themselves from a big
soup tureen and a basket of bread. They sat around the corner of the table from
each other, not quite so formal as sitting across the table from each other. Harriet
had laid an embroidered linen runner across the end of the table and put a
small wicker basket of apples at one side of it. Diana wasn't sure whether they
were decoration or dessert.

Better to think of that than to remember sitting in this
room Friday night, when she had wanted to throw something across the table at
him. How could she have been so angry with him then, so jealous, and feel so
relaxed now? Melissa had left Saturday morning shortly after Zack came
downstairs. Maybe that had something to do with it. Diana wasn't sure Zack had
even talked to Melissa on Saturday morning.

"Dessert is up to you," Zack said finally. "I
think Harriet still has some chocolate cake left."

Diana considered cake seriously for a moment.

"Of course, I haven't had a piece yet," he
reminded her.

"I do like that chocolate cake," she commented,
remembering the rich dessert they’d had Friday night. "If it's the same
chocolate cake."

"I don't think we ate it all and Harriet doesn't like
chocolate. We can set it aside, save a piece for later."

"Later?" She wondered what he meant. It distracted
her from her surprise that Harriet didn't like chocolate.
"How about a movie?" Zack was saying. "Dad has a decent
collection of DVDs. And a subscription to Netflicks."
Let’s not argue
about it
, was the unspoken comment. They always seemed to argue about which
movie to watch when they went to the pick out a movie at the RedBox kiosk in
Whitney. She was afraid that small town gossip was probably being spread about
them based on those heated, whispered comments in the entrance to the grocery
store.  .

"Do you want to watch a movie?" Diana asked. She
realized, more so this weekend than any time recently, that he seemed to want
to spend time with her. Lark was in bed. He could just turn her loose. There
were books in her room and in the den, she could watch a movie by herself. He
could go on a date. He could go home.

"Sure," he said, "unless you have something
else in mind."

"Something else?"
Like?
she thought. She
was half tempted to go to bed, but she wasn't tired and, she realized suddenly,
if she said it that way, he might think she was propositioning him. "I
don't know. You haven't seen much of the city yet."

On the other hand, she thought, given her rejection of him, he
might never suspect a proposition.

"But Lark is asleep," she protested automatically.

"Harriet’s around. She could keep an ear out for the
baby.  If we asked her, she'd do it."

She didn't want to leave Lark with Harriet, alone in this
big house. It wasn't Harriet, it was her own uncertainty that held Diana back. "I'd
rather watch a movie. I guess I just was asking -- well, Zack," Diana
said, tearing up the bread on her plate, "you don't have to spend all your
time with me. You don't get any weekends in the city anymore. Maybe you have
friends you want to see. Don't you have anyone you never see anymore?"

"I do have some friends I don't see as often. I'm
rearranging things so we see each other during the week. It's not so bad."
He put one of his big hands over one of hers for a moment. She felt the warmth
of his hand and the tenderness of his touch. It was such a neutral touch, but
she was so aware of him, so aware of the contact between them. She tried to
think of something to say. This was her chance to talk to him, to say some of
the new ideas she was considering this weekend.

"You know, if you wanted to, we could schedule a
weekend in the city every now and then." She used the excuse of getting
another piece of bread to remove her hand, then felt sorry she'd done that. He
left his hand lying there on the table.

"At my place?" he asked, tilting his head slightly
in a gesture that suggested his curiosity about her proposal.

"Or here."

"I suppose you would be more comfortable here."

Diana stopped short of suggesting he could have Lark without
her. She couldn't do it. She wanted to, but something stopped her, perhaps the
memory of Beth's comment.

She pushed back in her chair and thought about what Beth had
said. There was nothing else to do, she had to just talk about it. About her
fears.

"Why did your mother call me a good mother to
Lark?"

"Because you are, Diana," Zack said gently.

"I'm not Lark's mother." Her voice was so quiet
she wasn't sure he could hear her.

"You're the only person she'll ever know as a
mother."

"I don't want her to forget Robin."

"You won't let her," Zack said confidently.

"I don't think I have the right to be called
Mother."

"If you don't, who does?"

She stared at the wall of paintings for a moment.

"I didn't let Carl or Robin call me Mom," she said.
It seemed like the only fair objection.

"But they were your brother and sister," he
explained. "You had years with them. They were old enough to know the
difference."

"You're right. I just-- It struck me, what your Mother
said."

Zack didn't say anything for a few moments. "She's
starting to babble, you know."

She looked at him in surprise. "Your Mother?"

"No, Lark. She's going to start saying Da Da and Ma Ma
soon. Are you going to correct her?"

Diana sighed. She didn't want to think about it, truth be
told. "I don't know. Shouldn't I?"

"I think you should let her call you Mama. Unless
you're planning on giving her up."

"No. No, I can't give her up."

"Well, then." He shrugged.

"But when you marry, someone like Melissa will want to
be called Mother."

"First of all, I'm not going to marry Melissa or anyone
like her, no matter how much my father wants me to. Second, we'll work it out when
the time comes. I've chosen to be in Lark's life, Diana. There are fathers who
walk away. Not all of them. Not even most of them, but there are fathers who
walk away from their children. I don't want to be one of them."

"You aren't. Zack, do you realize how much time you've
dedicated to Lark in the past couple of months? Carl finally got through to me.
I guess he didn't think about fatherhood until he found out he was going to be
a father. Then he realized he had to tell you. He had to assume Robin never let
you know. Well, he had to find out for himself what the situation was."

"I'm glad he did. I don't know what I'd do without Lark.
Or you, Diana. I've spent a lot of time with you. It has made me see my life
differently."

"I guess fatherhood will do that for you."

"Or motherhood. You're Lark's mother. You're my -–
"

When he paused to choose a word, Diana rushed on. "I'm
a mother by choice, though, I just took her on."

"Don't you think that someday that will mean a lot to
her, that you didn't just push her away, send her off to live with someone
unrelated. Or even me."

"But maybe you should have full custody of Lark. I
mean, if you want her."

"It's up to you, Diana. I love Lark and I'll never push
her away, but you're part of the equation."

"That makes life complicated, doesn't it?" she
asked, suddenly afraid of his answer. Why? she thought. He could make her life
very simple if he wanted to. If he wanted Lark full time, there was probably
nothing she could do to fight him.

"Well, it makes life interesting, anyway." He
pulled his napkin out of his lap and put it on the table, stood up and started
to collect the dishes from their dinner. "I'm going to go talk Harriet out
of a couple of pieces of cake, okay? A big one for me and a little one for you.
Unless you want a big one."

She smiled. "A little one is fine."

She carried dishes to the kitchen, walking behind him
cautiously into the big room, where Harriet was loading a dishwasher. She was
happy to take the dishes they collected, but then chased the two of them into
the den and promised to bring cake and coffee.

"Is it just me," Diana said, picking one end of
the couch in the den and pulling a pillow to hold, "or is she much happier
when we leave her alone?"
Like Jennifer
, she wanted to say,
who
would prefer we don't talk to her unless we want something
.

"Harriet likes being in charge of the kitchen and I'm
afraid we let her." He shrugged. "Only Dad seems to eat enough to
make her happy."

They had just started the movie when Harriet showed up,
pushing a small cart into the den. She started to unload the plates and cups
onto the coffee table. Zack scooted over a little, giving her more room.

He perched in the middle of the couch, letting Harriet fuss
a little, laying out napkins, forks, cups, cake, coffee. The cook stood for a
moment and watched the movie, trying to remember the name of it. They chatted
comfortably for a minute, until Harriet guessed the movie's name, then smiled,
nodding to herself, and backed the serving cart out of the room.

Diana watched the movie carefully, giving the stunts and
special effects much more attention than she would normally. She waited, still,
for the coffee to cool, for Zack to lean forward to pick up a plate with a
piece of cake on it.

She waited for Zack to move. He didn't move.

He stayed right there, less than a foot away, sitting on the
cushy leather couch, leaned back a little, his arm spread across the empty back
of the couch next to him, which tilted him away from her a little.

She could study him, with covert glances in the low light of
the den. There was a lamp on, across the room next to the dark fireplace and
another one right next to the door, but here on the couch, they were lit by the
light of the big television, close enough and big enough that it felt like
going to the movies.

She felt like an adolescent, waiting for a date to reach
across and take her hand.

Not that she had ever really felt like an adolescent when
she was one.

Had she ever dated, in the real sense of the word? She'd
rarely had time, Diana admitted to herself. She must have gone to a movie or
two, but usually with a crowd. Maybe someone wanted to hold her hand, or she
wanted someone to reach across, but she couldn't remember it ever happening.

It wouldn't happen now.

She'd known it as surely as she knew her first name.

How many times did she have to reject him? She had already
done it enough, hadn't she? He was still telling her he liked her, still
polite, friendly, nice, and very, very attractive. He had put his hand over
hers in the dining room. For a moment, Diana closed her eyes, closing out the
movie, and wished desperately that he would turn a little towards her, make
some movement, some smooth transition, and reach down and take her hand. Or put
his hand on her thigh. Next to her thigh, so that she could place her hand in
his, like a nesting bird, settling in for the night.

But he wouldn't do it, she reminded herself. It would be too
much like the other disasters she had caused. She rejected him, over and over
again, and so had to sit here in the dim room and yearn for his touch.

Noisy shooting got her to open her eyes again. The movie was
seriously underway. The bad guys were really being bad, using bullets like
people ate jelly beans, handfuls at a time with no regard for the realities. Because
this movie was a fantasy, not a reality, even though the hero was a cop and he
had a sidekick who was also a cop.