Hindsight (14 page)

“Jesus,” he gasped. “I’m coming over. We’re going to pack you up and you’re coming to stay with me.”

“No, I can’t, Sean,” I whispered. “You know why. This will only intensify everything and make his behavior more erratic.”

“Please come away with me, Char. Please,” he begged me. This wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last.

“I wish I could…” I left the sentence open-ended because I hated saying no to him. It went against every fiber of my being. There was just so much he didn’t know. So much I neglected to tell him.

“I’ll talk to you later,” Sean answered me and I heard the click as he hung up the phone. He rarely hung up on me first, but when he did, I knew it was because of one reason. He hated having this fight with me as much as I hated having it with him. But it always came up. He wanted me to leave, and I had to stay.

I let out a sigh as I set my phone down and decided to fix some dinner.

Sean was getting less and less patient with me as the days went on. I had a feeling that he would be giving up on me soon if I didn’t leave with him as he asked. He just couldn’t see that it wasn’t so cut and dry. I couldn’t just pack a bag and leave. I only wished Sean could see that. If only he understood…

No one understood the inner turmoil that tormented my soul.

If I left Tony, he would kill me.

And now it seems that if I stayed with Tony, he would kill me.

It seemed like a win-win for Tony. So what was it for me? A lose-lose situation? That sounded about right.

December 12
th
, 2014

Tony and I had been apart for two weeks. We had a fight over Thanksgiving and he had packed up and left. Just like that. We fought and he left. I didn’t complain. I just let him leave. It was what I had wanted. Although, I had spent two weeks in fear of when he would return. I should have left when he did, Sean had asked me numerous times to do that very thing, but I didn’t. I knew that would only make things worse in the end.

He usually came back if not right away, within one or two nights at the latest. I knew he probably just hid out at his mistress’ house, which didn’t make things any better.

Part of me wondered if he had provoked me on purpose just so that he could have a two-week break without letting me in on his secret. What the secret was, I didn’t have a clue. I just had a feeling that he was up to something. Maybe he and his mistress went on a vacation together? Who knows. Did I care? Maybe a little.

I heard the engine of his prized sports car purr beyond the front door and froze. This was it. I ran to the front of the house and met him outside, closing the door behind me. I knew I was safer to have this conversation in front of the neighborhood instead of allowing him in first.

“What are you doing, Tony?” I asked with a slight irritation in my voice.

“I told you, I’m coming home.” He pulled his black duffel bag from the tiny truck and tried to walk past me.

I wouldn’t allow it and stepped in front of him, blocking his way. “No. We’re going to talk before you go inside. You left, remember? You don’t get to come and go as you please. I am your wife. You owe me an explanation.” I wasn’t sure where the backbone had come from but it felt good.

He leveled his eyes on me and smiled. It wasn’t an evil smile; it kind of looked like an apologetic smile, but I wouldn’t really know for sure… I had never really seen one of those on his lips before.

“Tony…”

He finally stopped, let his bag fall to the ground, and put his hands in his pockets. “I know, Char. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left like that. I’ve been really stressed out lately over this whole trial and I haven’t handled myself very well. But I’ll make it up to you.”

“If you come back I’m leaving,” I said defiantly. “Just so you know. I’m not living here with you any longer.”

He huffed and looked at the driveway between our feet. He studied it for a minute before finally speaking. “That’s fair. But can you please hear me out?” He stared at me and waited for something from me, although I never gave him anything other than an eye roll. “Can you just stay until the trial is over? If you let me come back, and stay with me, I’ll give you a divorce once the trial ends. But I need to be here until then. I need to be with you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I got into some trouble while I was gone. Without money coming in, I decided to go gambling. That’s where I was. I was doing really good, Char, but then I lost it all. And because of that, I need to be here. I also need to maintain normalcy in my personal life due to the press this case is receiving.”

“I don’t know why you took that fucking case!” I put my hands in fists at my sides, trying to control my anger. I hated the position he was putting me in. I hated it even more that he was making it seem like this was my decision. It wasn’t. He didn’t fool me for a second. He was still controlling everything, I wouldn’t fall for his
I need you
speech. “You cannot move back in here.” I stood my ground.

He was biting his lip and his face was now flushed with anger. He was pissed that I wasn’t allowing him to slip back easily into our home and his role as husband. I could tell I was getting to him but we were in the driveway in front of our home. There were witnesses. He couldn’t do anything.

I stuck my chin out and refused to move.

“Listen, Char,” he began.

I could tell he was speaking through gritted teeth, the anger getting harder and harder to hold at bay.

“You have to let me back in the house.”

I searched his face, trying to see if I could tell if he was lying. “If I do, you’ll let me file for divorce once the trial is over?” I asked again.

“Yes, Char. For the love of Christ, please!” he huffed. It was completely evident that he was done with the conversation. But I wasn’t.

“I want it in writing,” I stood my ground.

“You want what in writing?” He spoke softly and looked me straight in the eyes.

“I want you to put that you will divorce me once the trial is over and that you’ll let me leave,” I said quietly. I studied his handsome face and knew why I had fallen in love with him so easily. His bone structure was angular and chiseled, making him look manly and devastatingly handsome. He attracted attention wherever we went. He knew how good looking he was and used it to his advantage every chance he got.

“Done,” he said with finality and started to walk toward the house.

“And…” I said, halting him in his steps. “I want a pet.”

He sighed loudly. “You may have a goldfish.”

“No, Tony. I want a real pet with fur,” I responded and held my breath.

“No. I can’t do it. I cannot allow you to bring a disgusting and filthy animal in my home.”

“It’s my home, too!”

“You can get one when you leave,” he reasoned.

I shook my head, not letting this go. I wanted a cat. My cat. Fluffy needed to come home with me. She would be giving birth soon and then it was so hard to find homes for the adult cats.

“I can’t bend on this. It’s not going to happen. You’ve succeeded in obtaining everything else you were seeking. Don’t push it.”

I finally gave him a short nod in agreement. I didn’t know why he wouldn’t let me get an animal. He had forbidden it ever since we were married. The only thing he would let me get was a fish. “I’ll agree if you tell me why you hate animals so much.”

He looked at me stunned and just stared at me for a minute. I could tell he couldn’t believe I was pressing the issue. I usually acquiesced and gave into him easily; this was something I wasn’t letting go. It was more than just acquiring an animal. I wanted to know why. What had fucked up Tony Paulette so badly that he couldn’t even bear to look at anything with fur?

“Fine,” he said slowly as he put his hands up in mock surrender. Then he gave a half smile. “You’re going to be sorry you asked. I’m warning you now.”

I felt the hairs on my arms raise up, kind of like when you feel a cool breeze, but instead, it had been his words that had caused that reaction.

We both traipsed into the house and then stood in the foyer. It was as if neither of us knew what to do or how to act. It was bizarre in a way. We had been married for years, but it felt like things had taken a turn. A turn for what, I had no fucking clue.

“Do you want me to order sushi?” he asked while raising his eyebrow sexily. It made my breath hitch and reminded me of happier times. He used to be able to get me to do anything with the arch of his eyebrow.

“I hate sushi,” I stated without thinking and then freaked. I had never admitted that to him before.

“You hate sushi?” he asked and I could tell he couldn’t believe it. “Since when?”

“I just pretended to like it when you took me for sushi because I knew it was an acquired taste. But it’s definitely not one I’ve acquired, no matter how many times I tried.”

“Wow.” He looked like he was lost.

“Pizza?” I asked him sheepishly.

“Okay,” he said and his face broke into a grin. “Like when we first met?”

“Except things are different.”

“I guess they are,” he said softly and looked lost again.

“I’ll go order it then.” I took off to get my phone and to escape his presence for a few minutes in order to compose myself. He had induced butterflies in my belly. Butterflies I hadn’t felt for years and I had no idea how that had happened.

After I ordered the pizza, I made my way back to the dining room and started to get out plates and things to set the table. I heard music coming from the living room and set the plates on the counter before going to investigate.

Tony had set up his phone in our MP3 stereo and was playing a romantic song. One that we had played on our very first date in the park. He was lighting candles so his back was to me and I was thankful that I had a few moments to wipe the look off my face before he turned around again.

“What are you doing?” I asked him in shock.

“I thought we could eat our dinner here tonight.” He blew out the match in his hand.

“Here?” I asked him and thought I hadn’t heard him correctly. He never allowed us to eat in the living room. He always demanded that we eat in the dining room like a proper couple.

“Yes. At the coffee table,” he said and gestured to the big throw pillows he had already positioned for us to sit on. It was a very sweet gesture and not like Tony one bit. He was up to something and I felt my walls go up and reinforce themselves in place. He was going to hurt me.

“I’ll grab the plates,” I responded quietly in order to excuse myself. I walked back and picked up the plates, then took several deep breaths. I was so fucked, he was getting to me; my heart was already fluttering in anticipation of what the evening held.

By the time I walked back into the living room, he had gotten an expensive wine bottle from our expansive collection and was expertly popping the cork.

“Wine and pizza?” I joked, more for my benefit than his. I was feeling on edge and hoped the wine would relax me.

The doorbell rang and startled me; my nerves were already on edge. I went to answer it, needing the moment to gather my wits.

When I came back with our pizza, Tony had the lights dimmed and the wine poured. He was laying it on thick. He was either really trying with me or he was trying to pull one over on me. I wasn’t sure which, but I was determined to find out.

We sat down together and didn’t speak for a few minutes. I took copious sips of wine between bites of cheesy goodness.

“I guess I owe you a story. But it’s probably best to wait until we finish eating. It will definitely make you lose your appetite.” His voice was dark and sad sounding. I had no idea what kind of story he had planned to tell me, but whatever it was, I knew it wouldn’t be good.

I set my pizza down and looked at him longingly. Something had to give. I didn’t care what at that point, but I knew something had to. I couldn’t handle this much longer… the worried looks, the sudden shift in his mood, or the far off look in his eyes. “How did we get here?” I asked. It sounded like a wisp of air off my lips.

“It’s this fucking trial, Char. That’s how we got here.”

That wasn’t the truth and I knew it. The abuse didn’t start then. It became worse, but it had always been there. He couldn’t blame the trial and we both knew it, but he was sticking to that story.

“I just wish CJ had never brought me into it.”

I gulped and tried to correct my overly confused expression. “Who’s CJ?” I blurted out before I lost my nerve.

He sucked in his breath and I could tell I had hit a nerve. He took a couple more bites of pizza and I didn’t think he was going to answer me. The air chilled around us before he finally began to talk.

“CJ is someone I met about a year ago. I now wished I never had met him, but we can’t go back in time and change things now, can we?”

I shook my head. We definitely couldn’t. No matter what, Tony and I were done. I knew that in my heart of hearts, even though my stomach had butterflies that were trying to persuade me differently.

“He called me up one day and asked me to defend a business client of his. He had heard of me from a friend of a friend. He seemed smart, he definitely had an edge to him, but I trusted him. I shouldn’t have. I found out too late that if I were smart, I would never want to be tied to a man like him.”

He had succeeded in confusing me further. I had no idea what he was talking about but didn’t dare to interrupt him. I could only sit there and wait for the pieces of the puzzle to fit neatly together, even though I never thought they would.

“The client I defended was found guilty. It wasn’t the first time that one of my clients hadn’t gotten off, but it was the first time I felt relieved that he hadn’t. I can’t really explain it other than he was a very disturbed human being. Very dark and demented.”

Yeah, like you, I thought to myself. I guess it would take one to know one.

“He blamed me and started threatening me, saying I owed him two million dollars in lost revenue. Apparently, this kid I had defended worked for him, and without him, he was short money. I didn’t ask too many questions, I knew better than to do that.”

I put my hand up, silently stopping him. “Two million?” I nearly stuttered on the words.

“Yes, two million. I did well for myself but didn’t have anything near two million dollars. In order to raise that amount I would have to liquidate everything. So he made another deal with me, to take on a client pro bono.”