Hilda - Snow White revisited (14 page)

"Perhaps deep down they are perverts," Hilda
snickered, "and I think we are set for the grand finale,
girlfriend."

On the bottom of the insane cauldron all the
ingredients were already bubbling and producing the right smells
and fumes. Four brooms were placed around the cauldron, simply
lying on the ground for now, and the two friends nodded at each
other. Baba Yaga would do the honours of introducing their act this
time.

"Ladies and... Rumpelstiltskin. Tonight we have
a special treat for you. No worries to be set on fire, or being
green for a few days, for which we again apologise. We've prepared
a rather harmless, yet, as we hope tasteful display for you all to
enjoy. There is absolutely nothing to be scared of, you have seen
flying brooms before, and the ones we use are well-trained for the
job. Thank you. Grimhilda... let's do it."

The two took positions next to the cauldron,
Hilda on the left, Baba Yaga on the right. They spread thei arms
and hands, and together they started to conjure up a strong magical
field.

"Do you think we're safe here with them at it
again?", asked Granny Weatherwax.

"Oh, come on, they promised to be careful this
time," said Nanny Ogg.

"Remember what they promised last time?" Granny
Weatherwax held on to her skirts and kept half an eye on the broom
closest to her, to facilitate a safe and fast getaway if worst came
to worst. With the dynamic duo near the cauldron you could not be
careful enough.

Rumpelstiltskin, sitting between Strega Nona and
Glenda, stretched out his arms as did the magical couple near the
cauldron.

Glenda's eyes got very large for a moment and a
smile appeared on her face. Both expressions disappeared promptly
as Strega Nona slapped Rumpelstiltskin over the head. "Keep your
hands where we can see them. Both of 'm!" she hissed.

Glenda looked disappointed for a moment, but
said nothing.

Hilda and Babs were done summoning enough power.
The four brooms rose up into the air and formed a small pyramid
over the cauldron with its smoldering contents. Then the brooms
shot out to the four directions of the compass, hovering near the
corners of the field where the meeting was taking place. They
started pulsating in all colours of the rainbow, following each
other in shades, as if the light was running around along the
perimeter. The effect it had on the area was sublime.

In the nearby villages (and you should take
'nearby' very loosely) the people started closing their curtains
and doors, as the insanity of lights had started again.

The duo stepped back from the cauldron and
injected a healthy dose of magic into the cauldron.

"Enough?", Hilda asked, as this was not her
trick.

"Nah, slap some more into it," said Baba Yaga,
and she put the action to the words. Hilda followed Babs' lead and
threw in a good portion also.

"Cool!" Baba Yaga stepped back some more, and
Hilda did that too. And not a moment too soon.

The herbs and magical potions arrived at their
optimal magical boiling point and started to react. A chemistry
professor would have given his left arm for something like
this.

A long string of colourful stars shot up from
the large iron kettle and ran circles around the moon. Hilda
grabbed her wand and made the moon pulsate in sync with the four
brooms that were still doing their flashy jobs on the four corners
of the round field. The stars they had sent up would shine in the
complimentary colour to that of the moon and the brooms, giving the
whole show a striking effect.

As the spectators were still watching the stars
making their rounds, the next trick came out of the kettle. Slowly
a blobbish shape seemed to crawl from it, hovering over it in a
kind of blackness that was clearly visible and yet remained a
challenge for the eyes. Then the shapeless blob turned mauve and
changed into a giant replica of Nanny Ogg.

The large Nanny Ogg turned black again, and as
it turned yellow it changed into a giant Mother Elderberry. And
like that it went through many colours, each time taking on the
shape of one of the witches that was present at the meeting.

A big applause was theirs, as each of the
witches had had a turn to admire herself in a colourful XL
edition.

Hilda and Baba Yaga were ready to draw down the
energies, when Rumpelstiltskin got up and walked over to them, not
worrying about breaking magical circles or interrupting the magical
flow around the field and the cauldron. "So what about me? Can't
you do me?"

Of course, the two could not do Rumpelstiltskin,
simply because they had not known he would be there. The goo in the
kettle was almost dissolved, and they had not had any time to
practice bringing up his shape.

"We could give it a shot," Baba Yaga said,
winking at Hilda.

Hilda nodded with a hidden grin. "You lead,
girlfriend. I'll fill in the open spots."

Baba Yaga drew up magic and shot it into the
embers of the goo in the cauldron. There was a slighty wavering
blob appearing again. Baba Yaga had to give it everything she had
on it to keep it intact, so Hilda took her chance...

The blob shrunk somewhat and turned into a giant
spinning wheel. Rumpelstiltskin's face shone as a microscopic sun
as he saw his favourite utensil appear, floating in front and over
him.

The little man had not counted on Hilda's
ability to hold a grudge. He stepped up to the spinning wheel,
making that the best mistake he could have made that evening.

As if a giant was working on the spinning wheel,
an enormous amount of cotton came spouting out of the thing,
covering Rumpelstiltskin in a matter of moments. Hilda was Hilda of
course. The cotton was not only cotton, it was also sticky as if it
was drenched in honey...

Some muttering sounds came from under the sticky
umbrella. Hilda stopped the flow of honey-laced cotton and then the
spinning wheel disappeared, but not the goo covering the small
man...

Granny Weatherwax looked quite dismayed as their
guest of honour had turned into a ball of dishonour, but could
barely hold backthe giggle when she saw it unfold. Glenda and
Strega Nona heard it and grinned also, as they got up and waited
for the magic to calm down so they could help Rumpelstiltskin.

Baba Yaga and Hilda started to bring the brooms
back. The stars dissolved and the moon returned to its original
colour. Slowly the magic died away and then Glenda and Strega Nona
came forward to rescue Rumpelstiltskin from his sticky prison.

Strega looked at Hilda. "You shouldn't have..."
Her face however showed that she was only saying the politically
correct words. The expression she wore showed that she really
appreciated the special touch Hilda and Baba Yaga had added to
their performance. It was evident that Strega Nona did not have too
much respect for Rumpelstiltskin either, although she managed to
hide that perfectly.

With a quick grin, so Rumpelstiltskin would not
see it, Hilda nodded at the wicked witch from far away. A cool
lady, for certain.

Once the harassed little man had been freed
(Hilda noticed that nobody was in a rush or used magic), relative
peace and quiet returned to the top of Scary Mountain.

Mother Elderberry stood in their middle. "Dear
friends..." -she cast a doubtful look at Hilda-, "I think we have
all seen a grand display of our newest achievements and abilities.
Too bad about the little mishap with that last bit of magic, but
that shows that magic is something that needs to be prepared, and
handled with care. Let this be a warning to all of us."

Hilda chuckled behind her hand. She had not
expected such a hidden thumbs up from the good witch that was doing
the closing speech.

"For now, I would like to ask our dear Magrat
Garlick to open our magical circle again, so we can all go our
merry way, after restoring this place to its regular order again of
course."

Magrat managed to make the rounds without a
problem. Magic dissipated, causing weird effects in the greater
area around Scary Mountain. These were not things that the good
people of the nearby villages couldn't cope with though, history
had shown that.

All the witches started to pack their things
together. Berchta watched with interest how Hilda shrunk the giant
kettle to manageable proportions, and not much later everyone was
ready to go leave. Strega Nona and Granny Weatherwax were putting
the top back on the mountain before heading for home. Nanny Ogg and
Magrat were waiting for them.

Nanny Ogg was quietly singing her hedgehog song:
"The spines on his back are too sharp for a man; They'll give you a
pain in the worst place they can; The result I think you'll find
will appall: The hedgehog can never be buggered at all."

Magrat stood next to Hilda as the two witches
were doing their massive trick with the mountain top. "That is some
big magic, isn't it?", the skinny witch in the white dress
said.

Hilda, who had changed in her travelling clothes
again, nodded. "Yeah, pretty spiffy how they do that. How's your
magic going? Just curious, okay, as the moon was a bit too much for
you."

Magrat shrugged. "I am not so much focussed on
the real magic thing. It's kind of... not me. I still feel more for
nature, plants, good things like that. All the things you don't
like."

"Right. Well, next time you start playing with
the moon or so, let us know in advance so we can set something up
in time." Hilda rummaged in one of her deep pockets. "Here,
something for you. Plant stuff."

Magrat looked surprised at the gift of the
wicked witch. "Why, thank you! I had never thought that you would
do something like that."

On the way home, Baba Yaga asked Hilda what it
was that she had given Magrat.

"The Latin name is Filix Sternui, I think. Not
sure, because I hate Latin."

"Ah. And what does that mean?", Baba Yaga asked
on. She knew that Hilda never did things like that out of kindness
alone.

"Sneezing fern. As soon as it starts sprouting,
it spreads stuff that will make you sneeze. A lot." Hilda laughed
so hard that she almost toppled from her broom.

Hilda had spent the night at Baba Yaga's. After
a good breakfast and a short night, she hopped on her broom, took
the spare one in tow and headed home again. Out of curiosity she
swung by the castle, but except for the new flowerbed there was
nothing that looked different.

Satisfied that nothing out of the ordinary had
gone on there, as far as she could see, she pointed her broom
towards her house.

From a distance she already saw the heap of
chains that she had put around her sanctuary. As she had landed,
she saw that someone had tried to mess with the big metal padlocks.
That was quite obvious. A witch like Hilda would not leave her home
without some additional safeties installed. One of them was inside
the large chain. The insolent that had tried to tamper with the
padlock, the one with the note even, had been nicely wrapped and
trapped in the chains.

"Shiny," said Hilda as she came closer. The
spelll that was on the chains and the padlocks was the same one
that would keep all kinds of nosey folks away from a certain castle
that had loads of thorned rosebushes around it, keeping Sleeping
Beauty safe from idiots who thought they were entitled to her lips.
"So, what do we have here?"

The man who hung in the chains looked at Hilda.
"Oh, crap."

"That's my line," Hilda calmly said. "Who are
you and what are you trying to prove here?" She folded her arms
over her chest and waited for an answer. And it'd better be
good.

"I'm sorry," said the failed burglar.

"I'd think so, judging from where you are,"
Hilda agreed, "but I asked who you are, not what you are. I'll
decide on that."

"I am Rodolfo."

"Right. And you have family that makes brooms,
right?"

"How do you know?", Rodolfo asked her in
amazement.

"Well, first there's the name. And then the
clothes that are copies of what Ribaldo and Ronaldo were wearing
when they made their mistakes here. Only they did not have that
stupid goat-beard you are growing on your chin."

Rodolfo looked hurt. "My beard, dear lady, is my
pride."

"Damn, did you sink that low?", Hilda snickered.
"Black-dressed sheep of the family, eh? So, to what do I owe the
doubtful pleasure of your visit?" She magicked up a chair and a cup
of tea and sat down, all ears.

"Oh,"Rodolfo said, "tea. How nice."

"Yes, But I did not ask that. Suck an elf, you
people really have a hard time answering a simple question, don't
you? What the hell-"

The last bit was not planned, but as all light
disappeared from her surroundings, Hilda did need a moment to
express her surprise.

"We have her, Rodolfo!", screamed an ecstatic
Ribaldo. He quickly wrapped a big rope around the sack that he had
thrown over Hilda, immobilising her arms. He knew what she could do
with a wand, and as long as her hands were tied, there was no way
she could get to her that blasted thing. At least, that was what
the gypsy broom-maker thought.

"Regina, Ronaldo, come out and get these
brooms!", the man yelled.

Rodolfo, from his unpractical position, could
only nod.

Inside the sack, Hilda cursed a few times and
then fired off a handful of spells. In case of an emergency there
was no time to hate Latin.

Several things then happened at roughly the same
time. The two brooms that Hilda had been travelling with rose up
and blocked the path for Regina and Ronaldo. The brooms did not go
into attack mode yet, they just kept the two away from Ribaldo and
the sacked witch.

Ribaldo was having problems of his own. The rope
he was holding, the one that he had wrapped around Hilda, had
turned into a thin, but very agile and offensive snake. It curled
around his wrist, then slid up over his arm as it flowed away from
Hilda. Hilda pushed away the sack and momentarily had her wand in
her hands.