Hidden Truths (49 page)

"No, but she's sharing her room with Hendrika."

Luke stopped halfway out of bed. "Why isn't Hendrika
staying at the cabin?"

"Frankie and Tess needed a place to stay, and now that
Phin is back, we can't have him and Hendrika both stay at the cabin before
they're married."

Oh boy.
Luke's cheeks flushed. "And you thought
nothing of letting Amy share a bed with Hendrika... now that you know about
Amy's feelings? Clearly, you never experienced an attraction to women at that
age, or you'd know how confusing and overwhelming it can be."

"It was plenty confusing for me when I found myself
falling in love with you," Nora said. "I'll talk to Hendrika
tomorrow. Now that Tess and Frankie are staying in town, she can have the
cabin. But I asked Amy about it. It was her choice to continue sharing a room,
and I don't want her to think she should stay away from Hendrika. They've
become friends."

"That's good," Luke said. "I always worried
about Amy not having any women friends. Once she stopped spending time with
Hannah..."

"I have a theory about that."

The covers rustled when Luke slid back into bed. She leaned
over to peer at Nora's face. Over the years, she had learned to read the
expression in Nora's eyes as well as she could now read a book. "You think
she was in love with Hannah?"

"Don't know if I'd call it love, but I think she was
smitten, and she didn't know how to deal with it, so she stayed away from
Hannah."

It all sounded so familiar. "Are we sure she's your
daughter, not mine?" Luke lifted one corner of her mouth into a weak
smile.

"She's your daughter in every way that counts."
Nora leaned up and pressed a kiss to Luke's lips until the smile turned into a
real one.

"Yeah. It seems we have more in common than I thought.
When I was younger, I tried to stay away from women too. I joined the dragoons
and served in lonely forts, where I didn't get to see a woman for months at a
time. I hadn't yet learned that desiring women doesn't mean I'd desire all of
them."

"Maybe you can explain that to Amy somehow," Nora
said.

Luke squeezed the bridge of her nose. "The question is
just how. I can only talk to Amy as a man, so what I can tell her is
limited."

This time, Nora had no answers.

Sighing, Luke doused the kerosene lamp and settled in for a
sleepless night.

*  *  *

"Oh, there you are." Greeted by the cool morning
air, Nora let the door fall closed behind her.

Hendrika sat on the veranda, the butter churn between her
feet. She moved the wooden dasher up and down in a steady rhythm.

"Want me to take over for a moment before I have to
leave?" Nora asked. Churning butter was monotonous and tiring work.

"No, it's all right. I don't mind."

Nora leaned against the veranda railing and looked across
the ranch yard. A few of their mares wandered through the corral, licking
morning dew off the grass. Next to the corral, Amy and Luke were saddling their
horses, every movement in perfect harmony, stepping around each other without
stumbling or getting in each other's way — like two dancers who had practiced
their waltz a thousand times.

Watching them together warmed Nora's heart.

Luke swung her leg over the cantle, and as she settled into
the saddle, her gaze met Nora's. She kissed her fingertips and held out her
palm as if sending the kiss across the ranch yard.

Smiling, Nora repeated the gesture.

Amy lifted her hand as if to imitate Luke, then curled her
fingers into a fist and dropped her hand. She pulled her mare around and urged
her into a lope.

When Nora turned back to Hendrika, she noticed that the up-and-down
movement of the dasher slowed while Hendrika watched Amy ride away. When the
hoofbeats faded away, Hendrika directed her gaze back to the churn and picked
up the pace.

"Tess and Frankie are staying in town for a
while," Nora said. "You can move back into the cabin. Nattie or I
will help you carry your things over if you want."

The dasher stopped. "But Phineas —"

"Don't worry about him. He can stay in the bunkhouse
with the other boys for a few days."

"Oh." Slowly, Hendrika moved the dasher up and
down in the cream. "All right, I suppose."

Nora squinted down at her. "I thought you'd be glad to
have a room and a bed to yourself for a few days before you get married."

"I am glad," Hendrika said, sounding anything but.
She bent and lifted the lid off the churn. A golden lump of butter had formed
and was now clinging to the dasher.

Like Hendrika is clinging to sharing a room with Amy.
It
seemed Hendrika was fond of Amy, but was it just the innocent friendship
between young women or something more? Nora remembered sharing a bed with Luke
for the first time, remembered the feeling of peace and safety even as she had
shivered under a damp blanket while rain drummed down on their wagon. Did
Hendrika feel the same way?

"Old Jack is ready, ma'am," Hank called from the
stable.

Nora glanced at the sun. Her pupils were waiting for their
last day of school before summer break. There was no time to figure out what
was going on with Hendrika. With one last glance at Hendrika, who was busy
fishing the butter from the buttermilk, Nora hurried toward the wagon.

*  *  *

"Look, Papa! There's Nugget with her foal." Amy
gestured with childlike excitement, but Luke knew she was no longer a child. So
much had changed.

Luke let her gaze wander from horse to horse, but her thoughts
were on Amy, who halted her mare next to Dancer. They needed to talk. She had
opened her mouth half a dozen times while they rode from one band of horses to
the next, but every time, she closed her mouth without saying anything. After
living as a man for the past thirty years, how could she talk to Amy about the
joys of love between two women? Was it possible to let Amy know she understood
without giving away her secret?

She stared at the horses while she sought a solution. The
herd was in great shape. Over the last weeks, the grasses had become richer,
and now their bellies were pleasantly rounded and their dotted coats gleamed
with good health. A few mares stood dozing beneath a stand of trees while their
foals leaped through the grass. In the distance, two yearlings bucked, reared,
and squealed at each other in mock fight.

"They're looking good." She turned in the saddle
to look at Amy. "You took good care of them. How did you feel about
running the ranch?"

"There were a few tense moments," Amy said, openly
meeting Luke's gaze.

Why can't she be as honest about her feelings for women?
But, of course, Luke knew why. She had been through the same feelings of shame,
guilt, and confusion.

"Sometimes I felt like everyone tried to make things
harder for me," Amy said. "Adam went crazy as soon as you left. Guess
Mama told you about him burning down the stable and attacking me." When
Luke nodded, Amy continued, "Hank tried to lynch John, and the folks in
town laughed at me when I wanted to hire a new ranch hand. All of that would
never happen to you."

Luke bit her tongue. She wanted to tell Amy that it was just
people's perception that made the difference, not Amy's gender. But she
couldn't explain without giving herself away. "I would hope not," she
said instead. "I have twenty years of experience. But my first year
running the ranch... Lord, I felt like a complete failure. We were snowed in,
and a coyote got into the henhouse. We didn't even have enough money to buy you
a new doll."

Grinning, Amy shrugged. "I preferred the wooden horses
anyway."

Luke laughed. She couldn't imagine loving Amy more, even had
she given birth to her herself. "Anything else happen while I was
away?"

Instead of confessing her feelings, Amy said, "The
foals were born. Did you see Jason, Nugget's colt?"

Of course Luke had. Amy had already pointed out every foal
in the herd — and most of the yearlings too as if Luke had forgotten them in
the last two months. Since they had left the ranch, Amy hadn't stopped talking.
She commented on every horse they encountered, the length of the grass, the new
barn, and the ranch hand she had hired.

Luke got the impression that Amy wanted to keep her too busy
to have a serious conversation.

"See that one?" Amy pointed at a filly nibbling
the grasses alongside her mother.

"She's a beauty." Luke let herself be distracted
for a moment. A black horse with such a large white blanket was rare.
"She'll make a wonderful brood mare one day if we're lucky."

Amy laughed. "That's her name — Lucky Star."

"Nice. You picked a good name."

A wave of crimson wandered up Amy's cheeks. "I didn't
name her. Rika did."

Rika. Interesting.
No one else called Hendrika by her
nickname, and now the mere mention of Hendrika's name made Amy blush. Had Amy
reacted to women that way before, and Luke just hadn't noticed? Had she been so
blind to Amy's feelings all those years? "I talked to your mother."

Amy's blush darkened to a deep cherry color. She clamped her
bottom lip between her teeth.

Luke flinched at the expression in Amy's eyes. Neither of
her daughters had ever looked at her that way — as if expecting punishment.

Amy let go of her lip just long enough to ask, "Did
she... did she tell you?"

They both knew the answer to that question. Luke and Nora
never kept secrets from each other. "Amy, there's no need to worry. I'm
fine with it. I don't care who you love as long as you're happy."

The defensive hunch of Amy's shoulders didn't change. By
now, her lip probably had permanent teeth marks. Tears filled her eyes, but she
didn't let them fall. "You and Mama are so wonderful. No one else has such
understanding parents. I'm so sorry to cause you —"

Luke slid out of the saddle and landed between the two
horses. It gave Amy the advantage of glancing down at her. Maybe that would let
Amy know Luke wasn't looking down on her. Luke touched Amy's calf to make her
look at her. "You never caused me anything but joy and pride, Amy."

Amy's brows crept up her forehead.

"All right." Luke forced a smile. "I wasn't
pleased when you were six and nearly broke your neck when you tried to ride one
of the yearlings."

"This is worse than riding a yearling," Amy
whispered.

"No." Luke kept her voice and her grip on Amy's
leg firm. "Both could be dangerous, but jumping on a yearling's back was a
decision. A pretty stupid one. But this..." She gesticulated, not sure
what the right words were. "Being in love with a woman... it's not a
decision. It just happens."

"Maybe for you. You're a man, after all. But it
shouldn't happen to me." Amy's voice trembled.

It was like looking in a mirror. When she'd been Amy's age,
she'd been so afraid of her own feelings, of losing control over them, that she
had hidden away that part of herself. She hoped Amy wouldn't make the same
mistake — but how could she tell her that? She couldn't talk about her own
experiences without admitting that she was a woman. "But sometimes, it
does happen," Luke said. "It's not a curse or a bad thing, you know?
If a woman is what you need or want in your life —"

"I want what you and Mama have together, but it's not
possible for two women. I'll never have that kind of love." A sadness as
vast and as deep as the Pacific filled Amy's eyes.

Burning pain blazed behind Luke's breastbone. She hated to
see her daughter give up hope for personal happiness. "That's not true,
Amy. You've seen Frankie and Tess together. They don't have an easy life, but
they're happy. Don't give up on —"

"I can't talk to you about this, Papa." Amy
fidgeted in the saddle.

While Amy had grown up with more freedom and independence
than other girls her age, society had still taught her that young women didn't
discuss such delicate matters with men. Luke curled her hand around Amy's
stirrup until the leather creaked. Most often, being thought of as a man was an
advantage. Now it was her biggest obstacle.

Before Luke could answer, Amy dug her heels into Ruby's
sides.

Luke was forced to let go of the stirrup and Amy's leg. As
Ruby loped up a hill, Luke hurled a curse across the valley. Why the hell did
life have to be so complicated?

She caught up with Amy, and they rode the last mile in
silence, Amy brooding and Luke not sure what to say.

Luke dismounted in the ranch yard, and Amy dropped down next
to her without her usual ease.

Tess and Frankie came out of the house. Tess's skirts swept
across the veranda when she hurried down the three steps. "Hello,
soldier." She had greeted Luke that way for many years. She slid her arms
around Luke and lifted up on her toes to kiss Luke.

At the last moment, Luke turned her head, aware that Amy was
watching.

Tess's kiss landed on her cheek instead of her lips.
"I'm sorry we weren't there to greet you when you came home," Tess
said. "But we have good news."

Luke followed them into the house. She could use some good
news.

*  * 
*

Rika held her hand behind the glass chimney and blew out the
kerosene lamp. She slipped into Phineas's bed and closed her eyes.

The silence in the small cabin sounded strangely loud.

She yawned and rolled to her other side.
Sleep,
she
ordered.

A long day full of work had left her exhausted, but still
sleep wouldn't come.

When she had shared a room with three other women in the
boarding house, she had often wished for just one night of peace and quiet. Now
that she had it, why was she lying awake, listening into the darkness?

Last night and the nights before, Amy's breathing had lulled
her to sleep, the scent of leather and grass and Amy's soap telling her that
she was safe. Home. She'd never felt that before.