Here With Me (Paloma's Edge) (19 page)

“I would’ve fought tooth and nail to be in your grandmother’s good graces, Hunter.”

“I know that you were scared of losing your parents’ love. Even now you are,” Hunter said in a whisper. “I may not know your parents, but I don’t see that happening. They don’t want you to lose your way, like I had. But I won’t go another day without you.”

I rose from the bed and threw my arms over him. He clutched onto me with a snug grip.

Hunter

DAD EMBRACED CHASE AS
we all stood in the middle of the hallway. Looking well-rested, Dad was clean-shaven and in a sharp suit. Absent was any sign that he’d tried to wash his grief down with glasses of bourbon. Beth’s perceptive gaze darted over to me as I watched them, while Mariska held onto my hand. I’d wanted that hug last night from him, or to able to say that we were going to bridge the gap in our non-existent relationship. However, now, I just hoped that receiving some affection from our Dad would help Chase feel less pain down the road.

As we all headed out of the townhouse, Dad grabbed onto my arm and I almost elbowed him in the middle of his chest when my I saw the envelope in his hand.

“Mr. Walsh, her lawyer, was here early this morning,” he told me. “In the event of her death, she’d instructed him to give this to you, or to have me give it to you in person.”

My gaze swung from the envelope
  to meet Dad’s eyes. “Thanks for giving it to me, and for allowing us to stay in your home.”

Dad gave me a courteous look. “Have a safe flight, and whatever you’re doing to stay off the bad stuff, keep it up.”

He waited a few steps from where I’d stood with him, as I mentally said goodbye to him and the simple memorable times I’d had with mother inside that house.

Beth and Mariska were in the cab as I took a minute to look at the rocking chairs mother and I had rocked in, drinking bourbon, or a beer on occasion, when it’d been the only alcohol in the house. Grounding my teeth together, I started toward Chase, who was wearing the same patient look he’d had since I’d stepped out of the door for the last time. He and I knew, for reasons known and unknown, that this wasn’t our home anymore. It hadn’t been for a while.

Chapter
24

Hunter

DAYS AFTER OUR RETURN to Miami, life went on as usual. Chase was at the football field for practice before it officially begun and he stayed hours after it was over. I thought that it was his way of apologizing to his team for not being there for their championship, but that was pressure that he was putting on himself. A few players had come up to me at school and had told me that he was running himself to the ground. He’d dropped by my house for a short time late last night and I’d probed him about it, but I knew not to push it. He wasn’t ready to talk about mother’s death. I didn’t ever want to talk about it. But I have been—with Mariska, and at the open A.A and N.A meetings I’d attended.

My preference was to confide in Mariska, than to utilize any other form of social support, but I couldn’t depend on her entirely. It’d eventually wear on our relationship. I didn’t know when it had happened, but Beth wasn’t the first person that popped into my head when I wanted to talk to someone. It was Mariska, her best-friend, the girl who had hated me. I thought Mariska still held some hatred toward me—that is, hating the fact that she wanted me to be the only guy she had sex with. I didn’t want anyone else. When I’d fucked Annette and Jill, I’d replaced their faces with Mariska’s, dreaming that she’d want me as much I wanted her.
  Beth and I hadn’t talked about the change in our friendship; she understood. The impact of mother’s death on Chase must have been a major factor in her decision to give her two weeks notice to her cleaning company.

Mariska padded toward me, as I straightened the sketch I’d done of her on my wall. The old siren painting was folded up and in one of my old textbooks in my hallway shelf. I looked at her and she was gasping. I’d drawn her bare back and fantastic ass and everyone who stepped foot in my house would know that it was Mariska. Her guitar shape was impossible to miss. I grinned at her and a sad smile played over her lips that sent a sick sensation bubbling up my already tight stomach. The most I’d eaten were the grilled cheese sandwiches I’d made back in Burlington.

I extended my fingers to trace the shape of Mariska’s face and the dampness of her warm tears fell on my cold hand. Her face was wet from a shower, but I knew the difference. Her eyes weren’t puffy yet. “If this embarrasses you, I’ll pull it down,” I told her.

Lifting her head, Mariska pressed a kiss to my cheek and then she said after a distressed exhalation, “I went home yesterday and they wouldn’t let me see Pete.”

My hands fell to her trembling shoulders and I searched her face. Her eyes avoided mine. She hadn’t wanted to bother me with this, since my loss was still so fresh. I was grateful for her thoughtfulness, but I wished she would’ve told me this morning. “I know you worry about me. But I am keeping myself together. You can come to me when things happen,” I said in a cautious tone. I didn’t want her to think I was scolding her, because I wasn’t. It just frustrated me that she’d always ponder what could lead me to relapse.

She gave me a brief nod as she rolled her shoulders back. “I called them Sunday morning and I asked if I could see them.” She drew in a sharp breath and then eyed me, “They didn’t sound happy to see me, but I didn’t hear the anger in their voices. When I got there,” she shook her head, “it was just awful, Hunter. All my shit was packed up in boxes by the door and Pete was crying. He asked them why he couldn’t see me, and when I went to him, mom snatched my arm up. Dad yelled out at him to go to his room. He was scared. He can’t understand why mom and dad would keep us apart.”

“Of course he was,” I said. “He thinks he’s to blame.”

“And I wanted him to know that it wasn’t about him.” New tears shimmered in her eyes and I wanted to pounce on her Dad so badly and tell her mother off. “I-I need to lay down. I’ll feel more like myself in the morning.” My throat was thick with emotion. Seeing her distraught made me angry. She’d become depressed if this forced separation persisted. “Can you come to bed with me?” Her voice was shaky and she held her arms to her chest.

“I’ll be in there in a minute, Mariska.”

As she went into the bedroom, I took my cell-phone from my pocket to call Beth and obtain some information.

***

THE FOLLOWING EVENING, I was at Mariska’s house in Franklin Parks. Inhaling deeply, I shut my eyes and lifted my arm to knock on the door. Mr. Landry opened the door and there was no question from his expression that he’d been watching me since I parked across from his house.

“Did Mariska ask you to come here, so you could change our minds?” He stepped out of his house and left his door ajar.

“She doesn’t know I am here.”

He sneered. “You think my daughter will be fine with you making decisions without her input.” He gave a sharp shake of his head. “What else are you doing that she doesn’t know about?”

After a sigh, I spoke, “Disallowing Mariska from seeing Pete isn’t just hurting her. It’s hurting him.”

He edged closer to me, flashing me a contemptuous look. “Don’t you speak about my boy,” he shouted. I hastened away from him, holding my hands up. He was an older man, but he still had enough strength in him to give me a good physical fight. I couldn’t let it go that far. “I won’t say his name,” I conceded. “I don’t want to talk about anyone in your family other than Mariska, but it’s tearing her apart that you and—”

“What’s the matter, Jack?” Mariska’s mother slipped through the door and frowned as she turned a sharp gaze on me. “You,” she said to me.

I let out a breath of frustration. “This won’t take long,” I promised. “I know I am not what you want for Mariska. Everyday, I try to be good enough for her.”

“If you really wanted to be good enough for our daughter,” Mrs. Landry said in a tone that dripped with sarcasm, her nose flaring unattractively, “you’d step aside so that a more…suitable man can pursue her.”

I shrugged my shoulders, shifting my gaze between them. A moment passed and I sent them a wide smile. “Then I guess I’ll never be good enough. But I’m hers and she’s mine. You may think that disowning her is teaching her a lesson, but you’ll feel the her absence more in your hearts more than she’ll feel it. She’s incomplete without…him. If you’re good enough to have her in your lives again, please don’t act out of self-righteousness. Can you honestly say to yourselves that your actions haven’t been spiteful?”

I turned from them and strode to my car. I’d said my peace, and, while none of my words may have registered, I caught the face of Pete as he opened the door and I drove off. He was a tall kid, with a ton of curly hair, who shared the same warm olive complexion as Mariska.  

Mariska

“MAY WE HAVE MORE crackers and cheese?” Reid, one of Pete’s friends asked me with a slow grin spreading across his flushed cheeks.

I told him that I’d bring them a plate of crackers and cheese shortly. He looked at me over his shoulder before he ran up the stairs. Great. I had a crush to deal with too. It was one of the changes that had surfaced a couple of days before Christmas. Mom and dad had asked to visit me in my dorm for a change and they’d said that they didn’t want our family to be broken.

Despite their discontent with my relationship, they respected that Hunter had stood his ground and hadn’t promised anything. He hadn’t apologized for who he was or what he’d done in his youth. Apologies could only take people so far. They were just words. When people were really sorry, they tried to make a difference, introspectively or communally. I hated myself for how I’d treated Hunter and how I’d thought I was above him, because I didn’t have a problem with addiction.

When I wasn’t with him, I took the time to recount all the nice things he’d done for me, such as making me perfectly cooked pancakes and fresh coffee most mornings. I loved that he wanted to know everything about me. In his own way, he was teaching me how to be more selfless and accepting of myself and other people.

After I’d served Pete and his friends a platter of crackers and cheese, I welcomed Jake inside.

“How’ve you been?” he asked me as he took his place at the table, like he had for years. I was making some instant coffee and toast.

I gave him a faint smile. “We’re off from school for a month. My grades are great, even though I was docked points for missing some classes due to going to Burlington.”  

He nodded and then asked, “Did they receive the card and flowers I’d sent for the wake?”

I motioned with my head and blew out a breath. “Hunter told me to tell you thank you, but everything was so crazy and busy when we were there. I did what I could to help, but I didn’t want to get in the way, you know?”

I joined Jake at the table. “Yeah, but I think having you with him helped him. You followed your heart, even though parents were tight. That was brave of you to go with him to his home base. I don’t think he would’ve been able to resume his life like he has, without you.”

I heard an odd tone in his voice. “Brave but stupid, huh?”

He shook his head. “You weren’t stupid. You could never be stupid, Mariska.”

“That’s not what you said when I knocked over your sand castle,” I reminded him with a smirk. I felt like we were talking about something else.

“We were four years old.”

“Point taken,” I said, “You’ve been MIA. And I’ve seen Jut and your roommates bringing girls to the room.”

Jake snapped his head to me, his eyes settling on my face. “With good reason, Mariska.”

I reached my hand out to his. “What good reason could there possibly be?”

“Because, when I picked you up from work everyday during the summer, and we hung out here while your parents were working, I didn’t see you as my gawky friend who wore retainers when she was home. I saw how beautiful you are. How much you nurture Pete.” He shut his eyes. “I can’t be with you like old times. Those times are gone.”

I covered my face with my hands. My eyes moistened a little from hearing his words and he looked chocked up as well. “I didn’t know,” I whispered.

“I didn’t think I’d have to ever tell you. I thought I could be happy for you, because I know it can’t be me. It’s never been me.”

I let myself cry a little. As Jake instinctively moved to comfort me, he stopped himself, squaring his shoulders in self-reproach. “You and Hunter found your way to each other, but I just can’t watch you and him like a chump. I’ve been seeing other girls, but none of them are you.”

All of the times I’d told him how I loved him must have been painful for him. Jake hadn’t messed around with girls who resembled Beth and I, in body or demeanor, so it hadn’t crossed my mind that he’d develop feelings for me, after all these years.

“Jake,” I said as I wiped a flood of new tears, “You’re my best friend. I…”

“Now you see why I didn’t say those three big words. They’re just too real for me, and because I do, I have to let you go. Hunter’s a stand-up dude and I know you’re in good hands.”

And I knew that I had to let go of what we had, so that Jake could find someone else who loved him the way he deserved to be loved.