Here to Stay (Silhouette Special Edition) (18 page)

Miles sat on the sofa, a small blond child snuggled in his arms. One of his arms cradled the child. His free hand stroked the tumbled curls and narrow little shoulders. She gaped at the scene, only snap-ping her jaw shut when Miles met her eyes and smiled.

Stunned, Sasha sagged against the doorjamb and took in the domesticity of the pair on the couch. Miles looked so right, holding that child close to his chest. There was a tenderness in his smile that touched Sasha’s heart deeply. Whatever had happened, Miles looked like a man ready for the future. As she came into the room she wondered if she had a place in that future. She hoped so, but she wouldn’t prompt him. His decisions had to be made based on what was best for him, not for her.

Walking across the living room, she saw a woman she didn’t know sitting at the dining room table with Dave McLeod and a female OPP constable. Their voices created a low, steady murmur. None of them looked up when she passed by.

She sat on the arm of the couch and looked at the child Miles held. A little girl, maybe three, maybe four, with her eyes closed and her thumb in her rosebud mouth. Her blond hair looked freshly washed. “Playing Papa Bear looks good on you,” Sasha whispered, the words going straight from her heart to her lips, totally bypassing her brain. Her face flamed at the possible implications.

If her comment bothered Miles, he didn’t let on. He grinned briefly, then looked at her with grave eyes. “These are Copper’s kids. I found them chained to a beam in their basement.” Sasha gasped in horror. “Their mother’s boyfriend has been doing that for a while. They’ve both got infected sores on their ankles.”

“Dear God!” she whispered. “No one with an ounce of humanity would do that to an animal, let alone a child!” Then she focused on something else he’d said. “You rescued them from their basement?” He nodded. She smiled, knowing words weren’t necessary.

“When I got them here, I called McLeod. Then I got hold of Donna and Doris. I figured the kids could use someone maternal to fuss over them, and I wanted witnesses that I hadn’t inflicted any of their in-juries when I cleaned them up. They both brought kids’ clothes. And McLeod brought a woman cop and a social worker.”

That explained the cars she hadn’t recognized. “Where are Donna and Doris now?”

“In the kitchen with Kevin, admiring the pups. This is Lucy.” His eyes flashed with anger. “Do you know, when I asked her name, she said it was Brat, because that’s what that scumbag Elmore Hogg calls her. Poor baby thought it was her name.”

“Did you say Elmore Hogg?”

“Yeah. You know him?”

“I know his brother, Darrel. He’s the creep who wanted to destroy Desperado.”

Miles nodded. “Right. The Eckley girl mentioned him. I didn’t make the connection then. Looks like evil runs in the family. Apparently Elmore’s been lying low after a little prison escape a couple of years ago. McLeod said there are enough charges against Hogg to keep him tied up until these two are grandparents. They’re in there now—” he jerked his head toward the dining room “—trying to figure out how to convince the kids to go with the social worker.” He smiled. “They both pitched a fit about leaving Copper again. They say they want to stay here.”

Sasha slid onto the couch and put her hand on Miles’s strong, warm arm. Love for him flooded through her. “You’re wonderful. What about the mother?”

Again, anger chilled the warmth in his golden eyes. “She’s not totally innocent, although she’s been battered pretty badly. The cops charged her with a list of things including failure to provide the necessities and accessory, because of Hogg. I doubt she’ll get the kids back too soon. McLeod and his partner were both here when she told us it was the kids’ fault that Hogg had kept them chained, and she blamed them for his arrest. He was her meal ticket, since she couldn’t keep a job long enough to support herself and the kids.”

Tears stung Sasha’s eyes. “Miles, you really are a hero.” She leaned toward him and brushed her lips over his.

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” he murmured.

She shook her head. That didn’t make sense. “I wasn’t even there,” she protested.

“Sure you were. I told myself you were with me every step of the way into that basement.”

His words sent a rush of warmth through her and left her speechless. But her mouth did work well enough for another soft kiss.

“Hi,” a little voice said under her chin. Sasha looked down from kissing Miles to meet the huge blue eyes of little Lucy. “Can you be my new mommy?”

* * *

The next week and a half were so packed with activity that each night Sasha found herself falling into a deep sleep the moment she fell into Miles’s welcoming arms. He must have been equally ex-hausted, because each morning they awoke in virtually the same embrace, barely moving all night. Mornings, however, proved that the spark of desire still burned between them. No matter how busy her schedule would be, no matter how many impossible things she had to finish in too little time, she started every morning with a smile.

First there was round after round of testimony to fit into the normally unpredictable and full days of foalings, breedings and routine barn calls, as well as the purchase examinations and emergencies that had to be worked into other appointments. The Children’s Aid Society and the police were vying for control of the case, with the charges against the unrepentant mother and Elmore Hogg mounting daily.

Dave McLeod dropped by for coffee one evening. Although both men still acted like rival stallions, she was pleased that Dave seemed to have a new respect for Miles.

“So, in addition to escaping from prison, battering and forcibly confining his girlfriend’s kids,” Dave told them, “Elmore and brother Darrel were running a small but profitable business in stolen dogs and horse trailers. Darrel has a few convictions for assault and battery and sexual assault. A real wholesome family.”

Sasha shuddered.

“What about the kids’ mother? Is there a chance she’ll plea bargain and get the kids back in this lifetime?” Miles demanded, his voice so harsh that Sasha wanted to touch him, soothe him.

Dave shook his head. “Doubtful. The mother has charges against her related to harboring Elmore, as well as negligence of the kids. Then there’s the matter of a small cache of illegal and unregistered firearms in the basement, which would have been a parole violation if Elmore had waited in prison long enough to be eligible for early release.”

The Children’s Aid Society had temporarily assigned Kevin and Lucy to foster parents in the area. With Dave’s help, Sasha and Miles were given permission to visit, and went every evening to see the confused and frightened pair. Sasha had asked the case worker what her chances of becoming the kids’ legal guardian might be. The discouraging news was that her chances as a single woman were pretty slim.

In all, Sasha reflected on Friday night as she struggled to stay awake long enough to shower, this was proving to be an incredibly stressful time. The certainty that Miles was planning to leave soon stretched her nerves to the limit, but she couldn’t find the courage to confront him with her feelings. His nightly phone consultations with the private investigator in Florida left him distracted and distant. No matter how many files and faxes Eleanor or the investigator sent him, his memory hadn’t returned. Not since he’d remembered saving Eleanor and her son.

Physically and emotionally exhausted, Sasha stood under the warm water and rinsed the day’s accumulation of horse and dirt out of her hair. When she opened her eyes, Miles stood on the other side of the glass shower doors. Slowly she slid the door open and let herself enjoy the sight of his magnificently aroused naked body. Then she met his eyes and smiled. A second later he was under the shower with her, his mouth on hers, his hardness already nestling against her belly.

“Where do you get the energy?” she gasped when he released her mouth.

He chuckled. “I sneak a handful of oats and vitamins when I feed Desperado. I figure what’s good for one stud has to be good for another.”

Her answering laugh turned to a soft moan as his slick hand covered her breast and his thumb rubbed over her nipple, sending sparks to her core. Then his hand slid down her side to cup her between her thighs. His mouth caught hers again, his tongue easing between her lips as his finger eased apart the folds between her legs. All she could do was cling to him and let him drive her higher until her climax wrung a small cry from her and buckled her knees. He caught her and rocked his pelvis against hers, teasing them both with the promise of joining their bodies.

“Sasha, you make me crazy!” he gasped. “I have no memories, but I swear, no other woman could make me feel like this.”

“We can make our own memories, Miles. We don’t have to compare this to anything to know it’s special,” Sasha murmured, longing to tell him how she felt but unwilling to put any strings on her love.

He hugged her tighter and groaned. “Let’s get out of here and make some more memories!”

* * *

Memories!
Miles looked down at the woman cradled in his arms. Memories weren’t enough. He wanted to make a life with Sasha. A life with a future, not just a past. But he couldn’t, not until he regained his memory. Until then he would be incomplete, a hollow shell, with too little to offer her. He might never be the kind of man she deserved, but he’d never find out if he stayed here, hiding from the truth.

Sasha’s fingers traced erotic patterns on his shoulder and arm, then drifted to his chest, scattering his thoughts. Her touch sent shivers over his skin. As lightly as the brush of a butterfly wing, she feathered the hair on his chest, then followed the line that bisected his belly. His breath stopped when her fingers fluttered over his sex, then wrapped gently around him. He felt as if he’d stepped off a cliff into open air, free-falling without a net. Each time they made love it was like this, as if he began and ended with her touch.

“Hmm. You seem to have something in common with Desperado,” she murmured, sliding her fingertips over him.

He laughed despite the way she made him writhe. “You really know how to stroke a guy’s ego.”

Her low chuckle sounded very smug and a little wicked. “I always suspected that’s where the male ego lived.”

Without warning she pushed him onto his back and bent over him. He felt her damp, silky hair swirl over his chest and hips, and then felt the hot, wet touch of her mouth. Sensations gripped him, lighting fires in his chest, sending flames to his loins, nearly lifting him off the bed. It was heaven, but it wasn’t enough. Before she could take him past the point of choosing, past the point of stopping, he reached for her and drew her up to him.

Sasha clung to him, her mouth soft and open above his, her body pliant against his. It wasn’t enough.

“I want you,” he muttered, unable to put his fierce hunger into better words.
“I want you!”

He rolled over so that once again she lay beneath him. Freeing one hand, he covered her small, firm breast and teased the already pebbled nipple. She sighed and murmured something against his lips. He smiled, then drove his tongue into her mouth, savoring the sweetness there. His sex pressed into the firm hollow of her belly. Sasha’s long, slender legs wrapped around him, pulling him closer. He ached for her, but he didn’t want this to end too soon.

“Miles, don’t tease,” she breathed. “I want you inside me. Take me, damn you!”

Her words nearly undid him. For a moment he forced himself to freeze, to hold perfectly still, to regain the control that was slipping away. He wasn’t ready. She wasn’t ready, although she thought she was. It wasn’t time to let this end.

He drew a deep breath and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. Then he eased lower until he could trail kisses down her neck, along her collarbone, down to one breast, then the other. Her skin tasted sweet, so sweet. He took one nipple into his mouth and smiled at her low moan of pleasure.

Her fingers combed through his hair, following him as he worked kisses down her belly. The sweetly musky scent of her invaded his senses when he nuzzled at the dark curls between her thighs. A need to possess her gripped him, so elemental, so primal that he nearly growled at the power raging inside him. Whatever happened later between them, he wanted Sasha to know,
now,
that she was his, and he was hers.

With trembling hands he cupped her bottom and opened his mouth over her heated flesh. Her gasp reached him through the sound of his own ragged breathing. The taste of her was like some magic elixir, making him drunk, making him need more. Every stroke of his tongue wrung tiny cries from her. Wanting to pleasure every part of her, he reached up and covered her breasts with his hands. The sound of his name on her lips drove him to push her higher, even though he heard her urging him to join her.

He wanted so much from her, but all he could do at that moment was to give, and give, and give. With his hands and his mouth he brought her over the edge of sensation, then rolled her over onto him and drew her down onto his aching manhood. The ripples of her pleasure urged him deeper. Sasha tilted her head back, letting her hair drift over his thighs, then looked down into his eyes and smiled. In the in-stant before his own climax tore his soul from his body, he called her name like a prayer.

S
unday morning after chores, Sasha and Miles brought Kevin and Lucy to visit Copper and the puppies. After a tearfully joyous reunion they went to a local pancake house for brunch, along with Sam and Maggie. It broke Sasha’s heart the way Kevin ate hunched over, with one arm curved protectively around his plate, as if expecting to have his food taken away at any moment. And Lucy refused to eat unless she was sitting in Sasha’s lap, clutching the new stuffed dog Miles had given her.

Back home, Miles seemed more preoccupied than usual. He wouldn’t talk about the children, or even about the weather. Without a word he went upstairs to the guest room he no longer slept in. An hour later, when Sasha finished printing out the last of her monthly invoices, she found Miles in the dining room. He’d spread all the photographs on the big table and was standing over them, staring, but she won-dered if he saw them at all. His beautiful hazel eyes were so troubled when he looked up at her that she knew she was facing the beginning of the end.

Determined to be brave, she approached and selected a photo at random. It was an eight-by-ten color shot of a low, sprawling house with more windows than walls, its exterior nearly engulfed by tropical vegetation. She looked up to find Miles watching her. She smiled, although her heart felt as if it were breaking.

“I still can’t remember it,” he muttered, his tone bitter. He waved his hand to encompass all the photos. “I can’t remember enough. Every day I take these out and look at them, and all I can remember is walking on the beach picking up seashells. I can’t remember Eleanor Dobbs in the fancy wheelchair she says I bought her.”

Sasha looked at the photo of a plump, smiling woman in a flowing, wildly patterned caftan, sitting in a high-tech wheelchair, in front of a desk holding a computer and a fancy-looking phone and fax ma-chine.

“She’s worked for me for over ten years, but all I can remember is dragging her husband off her when he tried to kill her with a baseball bat.”

It was a memory he hadn’t revealed until now. Sasha shuddered. Miles pointed a finger at a photo of a tall, slender young man wearing wire-rimmed glasses, jeans and a T-shirt, standing in front of a four-wheel-drive car parked by a beach. “That’s her son, Jonathan. Eleanor told me I set up an educational trust for him, but I don’t remember doing it. Nothing rings any bells, damn it! Nothing!”

Despite the anger that flashed in his eyes, Sasha reached out and took his hand in hers. “Give it time, Miles. Whatever memories your mind doesn’t want to be remembered must have buried themselves very deeply. They won’t necessarily surface just because you want them to.”

Miles snorted, but he squeezed her hand. “You make it sound like my memories are separate entities from me. Parasites, or aliens.” He gave her a crooked grin. “My memories are part of me, Sasha, and I’ve been playing the coward too long.”

“You’re leaving now,” she said softly, the words striking her heart like hammer blows. She’d always known he would have to go. She’d known from the first tug at her heart that she’d have to let him go. But for a while it had seemed possible that he’d find a way to stay. Dear God, it hurt to face it!

He nodded. “My past isn’t here, with you, and the longer I hang around trying to fool myself, the farther away my past is going to get. I rack my head and feel like I’m trying to hold water in a net.” He caressed the back of her hand with his thumb. His eyes searched hers. “It will help if you understand.”

She smiled, hoping to look brave, but it felt like a very sad smile from the inside. “I do. I’ve always known you’d have to go back if you want to find your past.”

“It’s there, all right. Buried with my mother.” At Sasha’s smothered gasp, Miles’s lips thinned. “Eleanor faxed the bills from the hospital and the funeral home to me while we were at brunch. My mother was buried two days before I took off running. The investigator tracked down her history, too. Turns out I hadn’t seen her or heard from her until the last investigator found her dying in a hospital less than an hour from my island.”

“Oh, Miles, I’m so sorry,” Sasha whispered, her heart aching for his loss, for his frustration.

“Don’t be,” he snapped, releasing her hand. He turned half away from her, but she could see the anger,
feel
the anger burning in him. Confused, she touched his shoulder, seeking to comfort as well as to question his reaction. Miles shrugged off her touch. She waited. When he turned to look at her again, his eyes flashed and his jaw clenched.

“Tell me,” she urged gently. “Tell me why you’re so angry.”

Sasha reached out to touch his arm, but Miles moved away. “I don’t know, damn it! All I know is what the investigator told me. She was a hooker, and the bastard who locked me in the basement was one of her boyfriends. She had a series of them. Parasites, all of them. Living off her. The courts took me away. She’d get me back. Then
she’d
send me back to foster services. When I was fourteen she disappeared for almost twenty years.” He turned and looked at her, his face a tight mask of anger and hurt.

Sasha opened her mouth to express her sorrow and empathy, but Miles lifted his hand to stop her. “It’s okay. I don’t really remember any of this. Apparently, whenever I got sentimental, I’d hire an in-vestigator to find her. They all struck out, until a week before she died. I paid the hospital bills. I arranged the funeral. And I can’t remember a thing. Twenty years to find her, and I can’t remember one word, one gesture, nothing.”

He let out a deep breath, his shoulders sagging as if under some tremendous weight. Sasha longed to tell him that whatever his mother had been, whatever she’d done, took nothing away from the man he was today. She longed to tell him she loved him, no matter who he was, or thought he was. She longed to tell him to stay with her and let her help his wounded spirit heal.

Instead, she remained silent, because Miles had to make his own choices, had to reach his own conclusions, had to heal himself. All she could do was support his decision to leave, and pray that someday, once he’d regained his memory, he’d come back to her—if, but only if, there was a place for her, as she was, in his life.

“I have to go back there, Sasha,” Miles said. “I have to retrace my steps until I find out who I am. I can’t keep going like this. I feel like I’m wearing someone else’s clothes, but I don’t know whose.”

Sasha nodded. All along she’d known this moment would come. Miles couldn’t stay here with her when he felt so strongly that he needed to reclaim his past. He didn’t belong here, and there was no place for her in his life, a world away from hers. It was for the best, for Miles as well as for her, but that didn’t make it any easier to say goodbye. Perhaps they should have resisted the strong attraction between them, but she would always treasure being his lover, even for this precious short time.

“I’ve talked to Peter a few times in the last couple of days,” Miles told her. “He warned me that when I get my memory back, I may lose whatever I have of my time with you. It’s called a fugue state. Sasha, I don’t want to forget a second of the time I’ve spent with you, but I can’t go on like this.”

The pain was too great. Sasha had to stop him from saying any more, or she’d start to cry. “I understand, Miles. When are you planning to leave?”

His eyes mirrored her regret. “This afternoon.” Dear God, so soon? Sasha fought back the sting of tears as he added, “I’ll drop off the car at the airport and take off around three.”

The airport was over an hour away, and he’d have to be there early to return the car and buy his ticket. That meant he’d have to leave almost immediately. She swallowed hard before she trusted herself to speak. “Do you need any help packing?”

He raked his fingers through his dark hair, mussing it even more. Sasha held back the impulse to go to him and smooth the errant locks off his forehead. “No, thanks. My things are already in the duffel. I’ll leave the extra computer stuff with you, since I’ve got everything I need at home. I’ve already cleaned up your hard disk, so you won’t have to worry about my files cluttering up yours.”

So soon, and so ready to go, she thought, too stunned to thank him for the ironic thoughtfulness of erasing all trace of himself from her computer’s memory.

For a moment anger threatened to choke her. Then she looked at Miles and realized how carefully they’d avoided making promises, how scrupulously they’d kept that unspoken bargain. Her anger faded to sadness. There was no other way. She’d never intended to fall in love with him. Miles had never intended to stay with her. Neither of them had entertained the fantasy of her going with him. If she didn’t love him, it would be so much easier to let him go.

Abruptly, Miles strode back to the dining room table and began gathering up the photos into a haphazard pile. Sasha picked up several, squared their corners and handed them to him. He took the photos, then looked into her eyes.

Tell me you would stay if you could,
Sasha pleaded silently, but she wouldn’t say the words that might make him question his decision. What was right for him wasn’t necessarily right for her, but she would cope, as always, with loving and letting go. It was one of the things she did best.

Miles dropped the pile of photos onto the table and took her shoulders in his big hands. “Sasha?” he murmured. When she didn’t look up at him, he kissed her forehead and said her name again. Still she couldn’t meet his eyes. She couldn’t bear him to see how much she wanted to plead with him not to go.

He trailed gentle kisses all over her face and murmured her name until his lips found hers. Sasha tasted the finality of bittersweet regret in his kiss.

Miles held Sasha carefully, afraid that if he let himself get too close he would crush her, trying to absorb her into his soul. Her lips gave softly under his. She tasted so sweet. If he didn’t let her go now, he might never. The need to stay right where he was and say to hell with his past rose up in him like a tightening spiral. It would be wrong, but he wanted her beyond right or wrong.

Somehow, he broke the kiss. Sasha looked up, her dark eyes glistening. “It’s okay, Miles. You’ve always been honest with me. We both knew you were here to heal, so you could go back to your own life. Anyway, whatever your past was like, you need to consider the future.”

Tell me to stay,
he pleaded silently, unable to form the words, afraid she didn’t want him to.

“You gave me so much, Sasha. I don’t have anything to offer. I can’t think about the future—hell, I can’t even think about the present—until I find the past.”

She blinked rapidly, and Miles knew he’d never forgive himself for hurting her. “And when I do, there’s no guarantee I’ll be anyone you want to know. The more I find out, the less I like.”

Sasha smiled. “That’s because you don’t see yourself the way I see you.” Then she stopped smiling. “I can’t tell you who you are. You have to find that out for yourself.”

Tell me you could love me, anyway,
he wanted to say, but it wouldn’t be fair. “What if I never get my memory back? What if I never find out who I really am inside?”

Sasha placed her hand on his chest. He felt his heart beating under her palm, felt the heat of her hand seeping into him like good whiskey, warming, soothing. “Then forget the past. Look here—” she pressed her hand against him “—for the truth. Create yourself the way you want to be. Use the opportunity to start over.”

Miles shook his head. “No one exists in a vacuum. I need to know
why
I lived like a hermit before I can decide what to do about it. I need to know what I was running away from.”

Tell me to come back,
he bargained in his mind,
so I can leave with a clear conscience. Give me something to live for.

“Then you have to go back,” Sasha said softly, dashing his last hope. “You know better than anyone what’s best for you.”

Suddenly her serenity infuriated him. Miles dropped his hands and stepped back, losing the contact of her hand on his heart.

“I better go,” he muttered.

Sasha nodded. “I’ll be in the barn,” she told him as casually as if he were going to the grocery story instead of out of her life. “I have to get Desperado cleaned up. That Appy breeder is coming this af-ternoon to look at him.” She gave him a quick little smile and turned away without a backward glance, sending his temper skyrocketing.

“Damn it!” Miles bellowed. She turned back as if he’d slapped her. Her lips parted, but he was too angry to stop the words from pouring out.

“How can you say you care about that poor beast, then sell him to the highest bidder? What’s with you, Sasha? Do you only care about the ones who leave? You’re so used to loving and letting go, I don’t think you know how to hang in for the long term. It might not be in his best interests to leave, but it sure makes you look good to let him go. Altruistic. Self-sacrificing. Very noble,” he sneered.

Sasha gasped and stepped back, but the shock and hurt in her eyes couldn’t compare to the pain in his heart when Miles realized the truth of his own words. It wasn’t the damn stallion he was shouting about. It was himself. Himself and Sasha.

“You’re a coward, Sasha. An emotional coward,” Miles shouted.

Sasha’s chin lifted. Her dark eyes flashed. “That’s not fair.”

“Sometimes life isn’t fair,” he snapped back, chafing because he knew she was right and he was too angry, too hurt, to back down.

Without another word Sasha turned and walked away. Miles heard the front door shut, more softly than he would have closed it. Cursing himself for lashing out at her that way, he gathered his photos and made his way upstairs to throw the rest of his things into his duffel bag. Princess lay sleeping in the open bag. Lifting her out, he realized he was even going to miss the arrogant feline who used his clothes for a nest.

This wasn’t the way he’d pictured his leaving, he thought as he loaded his duffel bag into the rental car. In fact, he hadn’t thought about the actual leaving. Sasha’s farm had become home, instead of the place he called home but couldn’t remember. The catch was, Sasha believed he didn’t belong here.