Here to Stay (29 page)

Luke groped for Rosebud, who’d clearly become a comfort to him, slipping his fingers into her forelock. “If you’re trying to make me feel like shit, you’re succeeding.”

“Good. I think it’s about time you started to grow up.” Zach realized how harsh he sounded and paced in a circle, taking deep breaths. “I’m sorry. I’ve got no business saying any of this to you. But one of my worst faults—and I’ve got a lot of them—is calling it like I see it. Your father was an asshole, and now you’re following in his footsteps by punishing your sister for something that wasn’t her fault. Sorry, partner, but that’s my take. You need to shape up and cut her a little slack.”

Luke’s eyes went bright with tears again. His mouth trembled. “You really think it wasn’t Mandy’s fault?”

Zach tucked his thumbs under his belt and bent his head. Gifted with words he wasn’t. No one would ever elect him as mayor. But at least he was honest, even when the truth hurt. “Some people are cruel in a lot of different ways. Your dad obviously enjoyed inflicting physical pain. But he didn’t stop there, did he?”

“What do you mean?”

“Think about it. He also got off on causing injury with words. He turned you against Mandy, the one person who truly loved you. That’s the worst kind of pain there is, not just for you, but for her as well. I’ve seen her with you. There’s not much she wouldn’t do for you. When accidents happen that hurt a loved one, we tend to blame ourselves, even if it wasn’t our fault. Can you step away from your own feelings to imagine what hers must be like? Can you imagine living with that guilt every single day of your life?”

Shiny rivulets streamed down Luke’s cheeks. “This is why I wanted to come here today, to talk to you about all this. Mandy and me—well, we got into a huge fight after we left your ranch that first day, and after it was over, we sort of—I don’t know—understood each other better. Because of that, I’ve been thinking. ...” He gulped. “Well, I’ve just been thinking, is all. Mandy loves me. I know she does. And I keep taking jabs at her, trying to hurt her for what she did.”

“And?” Zach asked.

“And nothing! I know I shouldn’t do it, but ... but I can’t stop. Sometimes I get to thinking maybe I’m just like my dad, mean to the core. And that ... that’s the worst.”

Zach plopped back down on the bench. A family counselor, he sure as hell wasn’t. “Ah, Luke. You aren’t mean to the core. You’re a decent person. I’ve seen that in you.”

“You have?” The kid sounded surprised.

“Little glimpses.” Zach realized Luke couldn’t see him grinning and gave the kid’s knee a jostle to impart that he was teasing. “You’re a mess. You know it?”

“I’ve been to counseling.”

“And how did that go?”

“It was pretty much worthless.” Luke wiped his face again. “I’m sorry. I’m crying like a baby. All of this shit has been eating at me for a long time.”

“You think I never cry? Think again. I’m the biggest blubberer there is sometimes.”

“You are?”

Zach considered the question. The man he most admired in the world, his father, had never been ashamed to shed tears. “A man who can’t cry without feeling embarrassed isn’t a real man.”

Luke sniffed. “I guess I’m not a real man, then. I’m embarrassed.”

“You’re going to be a fine man someday. You’ve just got a little growing up to do. And please know I don’t mean that as a slam. I was a jerk at nineteen. I’m surprised my father didn’t give up on me. But he never did. He just gave me some time to grow up and get it all figured out. Eventually I did, and you will, too.”

“I hope so. I’ve done such bad things to my sister. Since our fight, I’ve been better, but still, hardly a day goes by that I don’t take jabs at her for blinding me. I pretend I can’t do anything, just to make her pay. And—” He broke off and dragged in air through his nose, making a wet sound. “And I don’t know how to stop. There’s this awful feeling inside of me. Mandy’s sent me to shrinks for years, but I’d never talk to them about it. I knew if I did that I’d have to try to fix it. Only it was too
big
for me to fix. You know? So I played the counselors like it was all a game. They tried to dig deep into me, but I never even let them scrape the surface. I was scared to.”

Zach was in way over his head and knew it. “Luke, I’d like to be your friend. But I’m not qualified to help you with this.”

“I think maybe you are.”

Zach tensed. “I’m just a goat roper with degrees in agriculture and animal husbandry.”

“Yeah, but I like you, and you’re honest.”

Zach didn’t figure likability and honesty were all Luke needed. “If you’ve got bad feelings, you should talk with a professional.”

“I’m scared,” Luke whispered. “My mom—she just
left
. You know? I was only four, and somehow that got all mixed up in my head, making me afraid Mandy would leave, too. All those times when my dad was beating on her? I was so afraid. This’ll sound really bad, but I wasn’t as afraid for her as I was for myself. I’d huddle in the closet, crying because I knew she couldn’t take it forever. What if I woke up the next morning and she was gone, just like my mom? I’d be the only one left for him to pound on. You know? And I couldn’t even see to try to get away from him.”

“Sweet Christ.” Zach put his hand on Luke’s shoulder. “Don’t blame yourself for that. It was just your survival instinct kicking in.”

“But I cared more about me than I did her. I should have been praying she’d run away. Instead I prayed she’d stay and keep taking it. It was really bad shit he did to her, not just slapping her around, but using his fists and even kicking her sometimes.”

Zach truly did feel sick now. The hot dog had settled in his stomach like a rock. “Ah, Luke. Think about what you’re saying. She faced that, night after night, and
didn’t
run. There’s only one thing I can think of that stopped her. She couldn’t run away and leave
you
. So what makes you afraid she’d consider doing that now?”

“We talked, and she promised she wouldn’t leave. But she might. Even with my dad out of the picture, I’m still afraid to be all alone.”

Zach took off his hat and rested it over his knee. Finger-combed his hair. Inhaled, exhaled. “All of us are afraid to be alone, I think. I’ve got a huge family, so it’s not that big a worry for me. I can always count on somebody to be there when the chips are down. But all you have is Mandy. It’s understandable that you panic sometimes.”

“Exactly, and if she takes a powder, what’ll I do?”

Zach considered. “The first thing I’d do is take action before that ever happens.”

“What kind of action?”

“Try to become more self-sufficient. The stronger and more independent you are, the less afraid you’ll feel. By doing that, you’ll lighten her load so she won’t
want
to take a powder. You get what I’m saying? Make yourself a more appealing package. She’s stuck it out with you all this time when you weren’t trying to do that. Do you really believe she’ll leave if you take over some of the work?”

Luke tightened his hand over Rosebud’s neck. “I don’t know where to start.”

“Start by finding the bathroom by yourself and take it from there. One little thing at a time. You can do it.”

Luke nodded. “There are lots of things I pretend I can’t do.”

“Then stop pretending and do them. Sounds simple enough to me.”

“Maybe it does to you. You can see. I’m just so scared.”

“Yeah, well, life is scary for all of us sometimes, whether we can see or not. If you get in a pinch, you have my cell phone number. Give me a call.” Zach wondered if he’d lost his mind, but he felt compelled to add, “I’ve got a big house, an even bigger ranch, and a mini to guide you. If you need a place to bunk, call me, and I’ll come get you.”

“Really?”

Zach reached over and patted Luke’s shoulder. “Harrigan law. We never say anything we won’t back up. If Mandy takes a powder, call me. You can room with me and Rosebud until you get it figured out.” Zach let that sink in. “But I seriously doubt your sister could be pried away from you with a crowbar. She loves you. Give her some credit. Hell, if you shape up, she’ll think it’s a walk in the park compared to the way it is now. Why would she decide to dump you then?”

Luke released a shaky breath. “If I go home and start doing stuff by myself, she won’t know what to think.”

Zach chuckled. “I’m fairly certain it will come as a welcome surprise to her.”

“Once I start, I won’t be able to stop. She’ll know then what a big fake I am.”

“Once you start, will you want to stop?” Zach countered. “You have a life to live. There are so many things you haven’t done. Don’t you want to experience at least some of them?”

Luke sniffed and swallowed. “I’d like to have a girlfriend. What are my chances, though? No sighted girl will want anything to do with me.”

“Why? You’re a good-looking guy.”

“I’m blind, man. Big turnoff.”

“I don’t think that’s true. The biggest issue is that you’re presently so limited in what you can do. A girl would
not
want to go on a date with you if your sister had to come, too.”

Luke grinned, his eyes still bright with tears. “I really am a mess, aren’t I?”

“You’re fixable,” Zach replied. “Problem is, only you can do the fixing.”

“So what if I fix myself and Mandy decides to get married? She says she doesn’t want a husband, but if she got one, he might not like me. Then I’d be all alone.”

Zach knew he needed to stay focused on Luke’s problems, but he couldn’t help but ask, “Why doesn’t she want a husband?”

“Hey, man. With a father like ours, would you ever want one?”

“No,” Zach admitted. “I guess I wouldn’t. Does she even have a social life?”

Luke shook his head. “I nixed that. She went out on dates a couple of times, but I—” He stopped talking and gulped. “You’ll think I’m really awful if I tell you this.”

“I won’t think you’re awful. Everyone does things they regret later. Spill it.”

“I ruined her dates. On purpose, I mean. Stupid stuff, like pretending I fell and hurt myself, or that I was sick. Another time, I sneaked into the kitchen when the sitter was in the bathroom and put a towel on the stove burner, turned it on, and almost made it back to the sofa before the lady came out. Nailed. She called Mandy and refused to watch me ever again. She said I was a pyromaniac.”

“Well, I can sort of see her point. Did you set the kitchen on fire?”

“No, just the towel. The lady managed to put it out.”

“That was a dangerous stunt to pull.” Zach sensed there was more. “So what else did you do to ruin Mandy’s dates?”

“When she went on the third one, I took a swing at the sitter. Mandy gave up after that. She never went out again.”

Zach tugged hard on his ear. “You truly were a little shit, weren’t you? It’s not okay for a guy to smack women, Luke. You need to get that cemented in your brain.”

Luke nodded. “I know.”

Zach wanted to drive that point home even more but decided to save it for later. “So your sister has been on only three dates, and she’s how old?”

“Twenty-eight.”

“Damn, Luke. She’s not a nun.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not a monk, either, and it’s
her
fault
I
don’t have a life. Why should I let her have one?”

Zach said nothing. He let that hang in the air between them until Luke finally broke down and whispered, “I’m doing it again, aren’t I? Blaming her for everything.”

“Yes, and that’s wrong. We all make mistakes. You’ve just admitted that you’ve made your fair share of them. A mark of maturity is when we realize that no one is perfect, including ourselves, and we’re able to forgive others, not because we’re noble, but because we know that, sooner or later, we’ll screw up and need forgiveness, too.”

Luke ran a hand through his hair, leaving rooster tails atop his head. “It’s hard to change the way I’ve been thinking most of my life. It may take some practice.”

“Probably so. Old habits can be hard to break. But it’s not impossible.”

“I’d really,
really
like to have a girlfriend.”

Zach laughed. “Well, then, shape up and find one.”

When Mandy got home, she saw Zach’s SUV parked at the curb and wondered what he was doing there. She entered the house with one hand laden with heavy plastic bags to find the living room empty. “Luke? Mrs. Peabody? Yoo-hoo, I’m home!”

No one answered. She hurried to the kitchen, checking every surface for a note to explain why Luke and the sitter weren’t there, but she found nothing. Her heart started to pound with fright. Abandoning her mission to get the groceries unloaded and put away, she put the bags on the counter and raced for the phone. Mrs. Peabody didn’t answer until the eighth ring, and by then Mandy was in a full-blown panic.

“Hello,” the older woman said.

“Mrs. Peabody, this is Miranda Pajeck. Where on earth is my brother?”

“At some park, best I know. A man with a little horse came and got him.”

Mandy’s pulse slowed a bit. “What park?” she asked tautly.

“How should I know? I was informed that Luke is legally an adult. I told both of them I wanted no part of it, that Luke didn’t have your permission to leave. They paid me no mind. I hung around to finish out the hour, and then I came home.”

“Couldn’t you have at
least
left me a note?” Mandy cried. “When I came home to an empty house, I was scared half to death.”

“If you had a cell phone like a normal person, I could have called you when Luke told me he was leaving. You owe me for the whole five hours, by the way. I turned down another job to be at your place. It’s only fair I get paid.”

Mandy’s temples throbbed with anger. She’d never liked Mrs. Peabody, but until now she hadn’t realized the woman had an irresponsible streak a mile wide. “You’ll be paid only for the time you were here and not a penny more.”

“Fine. You just lost a sitter, missy.”

“Like I care? You could have at least asked them what park they were going to and left me a note!” Mandy was so upset, she hung up on the woman.

Her anger mounted. There were three parks within walking distance of the house. Speaking of an irresponsible streak, why hadn’t Zach or Luke left her a note? That was only common courtesy. She had no idea what time they’d left, no clue where they were. What if something happened—an accident or something?