Her Two Dads (13 page)

Sophie cooed again.

Srikkanth laughed despite the tension of the morning, much of it slipping away now that the social worker had gone. He’d talk to Jaime that evening and see what he thought.

Jaime
got home in time to start making dinner, surprised to find Srikkanth simply sitting on the couch holding Sophie.

“Hey, Sri,” he said as he came in. “You all right?”

Srikkanth shook his head. “Not really. We had a visit today from Child Protective Services. Someone reported us for child abuse.”

“On what grounds?” Jaime demanded, outrage filling him at the idea that someone would suggest such a thing about Srikkanth and at the fact that his boyfriend had dealt with it alone.

“On the grounds that I’m gay,” Srikkanth said bluntly. “Oh, they didn’t say that, I’m sure, but I overheard the social worker tell her colleague that they spouted some anti-gay bullshit—sorry, Sophie—along with the report of abuse. The team didn’t find anything, of course, but that doesn’t make it less stressful.”

“A team?” Jaime repeated, sitting down next to Srikkanth and enfolding him in a tender embrace. “You should have called me. I’d have come home.”

“I know,” Srikkanth said, lifting his head and meeting Jaime’s doubting eyes. “I really do know, but there wasn’t anything you could’ve done. It’s not like the social worker actually tried to take Sophie from us. She checked her out, saw she was healthy, no bruises, well fed, happy, and asked a bunch of questions.”

It hadn’t been anywhere near that simple, Jaime suspected. “What aren’t you telling me? You said the team. Who else was here besides the social worker?”

“A crisis team member and a cop,” Srikkanth said with a shudder. “The crisis team member didn’t do much but hold Sophie the whole time, but the cop searched the house. God, Jaime, the whole time I was sitting there trying to answer their questions, not knowing what they were trying to prove, I could hear the officer going through the house, opening doors and drawers and…. I feel like I should scrub the house from top to bottom, except that wouldn’t get the memories out of my head.”

“And you’ve been sitting here brooding about it ever since,” Jaime surmised, hearing the desolation in Srikkanth’s voice. “Let’s go out. We can go to a restaurant for dinner. Even if it’s just Perkins. You’ll feel better if you get out of the house for a bit.”

Srikkanth shook his head automatically. “I think we should keep a low profile for a bit. Maybe whoever did this will think CPS took Sophie if they don’t see us with her for awhile. At the very least, out of sight is out of mind.”

Jaime frowned, but he could understand Srikkanth’s hunker down mentality. “Okay, if you really don’t want to go out, I’ll get Chinese. It’s fast and good and I won’t have to cook. I can give you all my attention instead.”

Srikkanth nodded, but his free arm snaked around Jaime’s waist, holding him close. “In a few minutes, okay? Don’t go yet.”

Jaime pulled Srikkanth closer, urging him to rest his head on Jaime’s shoulder. “I’m not going anywhere,” he promised. “You and Sophie are stuck with me.”

Srikkanth smiled. “That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.”

Jaime kissed Srikkanth’s temple and simply sat there holding him. Inwardly, he seethed, though, trying to figure out who among their neighbors could have made such a pernicious call. The visit had destroyed Srikkanth’s sense of security in his own home, and Jaime hated that. Having a refuge was so important, and that had been stolen from Srikkanth today with one lie-filled phone call. Jaime didn’t know how to restore it, but he knew he’d try. If it meant scrubbing the house from top to bottom, he’d do it. If it meant redoing all the rooms, he’d work overtime to find the money. If it meant moving somewhere else, he’d call a realtor tomorrow.

Softly humming his grandmother’s favorite lullaby, he let Srikkanth go long enough to reach for Sophie. “She’s asleep,” he murmured. “Let me put her in her bed.”

“I haven’t been able to put her down all afternoon,” Srikkanth admitted hoarsely. “It’s like if I’m not holding her, I’m afraid they’ll take her.”

“Nobody’s trying to take her,” Jaime reassured him. “The social worker left and she’s still here with you. She’s safe and so are you. If you want to keep her where you can see her, I’ll bring the bouncer in here, but you need a break too. You’re obviously worn out. Let me get her settled and then we can lie together on the couch and make out. How does that sound?”

“Pretty damn perfect,” Srikkanth replied with a sigh, letting Jaime take Sophie. His arms felt painfully empty without her warm weight, but he reminded himself Sophie was as safe with Jaime as she was with him and they were only going to the other room and back. If he wanted to, he could stand up and watch their progress the entire time. That required more energy than he had at the moment, though, so he let his head fall against the back of the couch and listened for Jaime’s footsteps instead. He could track their progress that way. The same way he’d tracked the policeman through the house. He pushed aside that thought, clinging to Jaime’s reminder that Sophie was still here with them and the crisis team had left.

The reassuring tread returned, and Srikkanth opened his eyes to watch Jaime settle Sophie into her bouncer, fastening the seatbelt so she couldn’t slide out and turning on the vibrations to soothe her if she stirred. Her eyelids didn’t even flutter as he tucked a blanket around her and joined Srikkanth on the couch again. “There, she’s all settled. Now let me take care of you.”

Srikkanth moved into Jaime’s arms, eager for the comfort they would provide. He hated feeling helpless, but he didn’t know how to fight this battle. He’d never needed to before. With a sigh, he settled in the crook of Jaime’s arm, his head on Jaime’s shoulder as his lover pulled the afghan from the back of the couch and spread it over them. Cocooned in warmth and the safety of Jaime’s embrace, Srikkanth felt the fear slowly fading from his heart. With Jaime holding him, he could do anything. Even face down the people who wanted to take Sophie away from him because of his sexuality. He snorted softly.

“What?” Jaime asked.

“I was just thinking that the very thing that will give me the strength to fight these bastards is the reason they’re doing this in the first place,” Srikkanth explained. “The weapon they think to use against me is my greatest ally.”

Jaime smiled. “They won’t beat us. Social services can’t take Sophie because we’re gay. As long as we take good care of her, all the bastards can do is make life difficult. They can’t win.”

“Maybe not,” Srikkanth agreed, “but I think I won’t take Sophie to the park again right away. I don’t know where the caller saw us, but the less they see of us for awhile the better.”

Jaime wasn’t sure that was the right approach, but he simply held Srikkanth tighter. “Just remember that you don’t have to face this, or anything, alone. Even if all you do is call me after the fact to let me know what’s happening.”

“I know that,” Srikkanth mumbled. “I told the social worker you were my partner. There just wasn’t anything you could do.”

The word “partner” struck Jaime right in the breastbone. Not boyfriend. Not roommate. Not even lover. Partner. Now if Srikkanth would just act like he believed it.

“
It
’
s
a beautiful day,” Jaime said when he got home from work one day about two weeks later. “We should take Sophie to the park.”

Srikkanth had steadfastly refused to take Sophie anywhere since the social worker’s visit, and Jaime was getting tired of it. He understood the impulse, but he felt like they were letting their detractor win.

“Not today,” Srikkanth said with a shake of his head. “Maybe another day.”

“Yes, but the sun is shining today, and it’s supposed to rain the rest of the week. Come on, Sri. Let’s go for a walk,” Jaime cajoled, resting his head on Srikkanth’s shoulder and putting his arms around his boyfriend’s waist.

Srikkanth tensed in his arms, drawing a sigh from Jaime’s throat. He silently cursed whichever of their neighbors had called the social worker. Not only was Srikkanth worried about taking Sophie outside, but he’d also started resisting signs of affection when Sophie was in the same room. “I said not today,” Srikkanth repeated, pulling away.

“Do you mind if I take her then?” Jaime asked. “I really think it would do her some good to get some fresh air.”

“So now you think I’m not taking good care of her either?” Srikkanth demanded.

“That’s not at all what I meant,” Jaime said evenly, struggling to keep a hold of his temper. “I simply think we’d all enjoy a walk.”

“I wouldn’t,” Srikkanth said stubbornly, “and I don’t want her to go out either. Seeing her with you would be even worse than seeing her with me. At least I’m her father.”

“Oh, and I’m just some stranger?” Jaime demanded. “Some random hookup who doesn’t care anything about either of you? Well fuck that. You’re letting them win, Srikkanth. Every time you refuse to do something harmless like going for a walk because someone might see and disapprove, you’re giving them that much more power over you. Is that the way you want to raise your daughter? Afraid to go outside? Ashamed of her father because he prefers men to women?”

“Of course not!” Srikkanth retorted. “That doesn’t mean I should expose her needlessly to other people’s intolerance.”

“Then take her to the park,” Jaime insisted. “Be proud of her and of yourself.”

“I can’t,” Srikkanth said, his voice defeated.

“Are you really going to let them drive you back into the closet?” Jaime asked slowly.

“That’s not what I’m doing. I’m protecting Sophie. You weren’t here. You don’t know what it was like!”

Jaime shook his head. “You’re crawling back in the closet with your tail between your legs and you’re trying to drag me with you. I can’t control what you do, but I won’t do it. I’m going for a walk.”

Not even bothering to change his shoes, Jaime walked back out the door, slamming it behind him in frustration. He’d tried so hard to be supportive, to understand what Srikkanth was suffering because of one person’s intolerance, but he’d fought the battle of coming out once, dealing with his relatively conservative family and their initially horrified reactions. He was proud of who he was, proud of the life he’d built for himself. Hiding what he felt for Srikkanth and Sophie, denying themselves a normal life, felt wrong, like it invalidated all those earlier struggles.

His feet took him to the park down the street where he and Srikkanth had gone on their first “date.” He sank onto the bench, his head in his hands as he tried to see a way forward. He was irrevocably in love with Sophie. Losing her now would be like losing his own child, something he couldn’t even imagine. He couldn’t stay with someone who was ashamed of him, though. However much he wanted to be a part of Sophie’s life, he didn’t want to live in fear of someone finding out about them. He didn’t think Srikkanth actually wanted that lifestyle either, but it was the one he was living at the moment, and Jaime couldn’t be a part of that.

That thought hurt nearly as much as the thought of saying goodbye to Sophie. He and Srikkanth had been friends for years, and the past four months, helping him with Sophie, had been some of the best of his life. His chest ached as he remembered how right it felt to lie in Srikkanth’s bed knowing Sophie was sleeping in the next room, to wake together in the morning and rise to face the day as a unit, stronger together than either of them could ever be apart. If they’d never taken that step, if he’d stayed Srikkanth’s friend who helped him out with the baby from time to time, it might have been easier to take a step back now, but they’d broken their cardinal rule, and he wasn’t just facing losing a daughter he never expected to have. He was facing losing a lover he hadn’t known he wanted.

It had only been two weeks since the social worker’s visit. He could give Srikkanth more time, see if things got better, if he became less cautious again as the fear faded, but Jaime had no guarantee that would work. Breaking up with Srikkanth would be hard enough now. To allow himself more time to fall in love would only make it worse. If he was going to make the decision to pull back, it had to be now, when he had some hope of keeping his heart intact.

His eyes stung at the thought as he blinked back unexpected tears. When had he fallen so hard? He tried to think back, to pinpoint the moment his emotions changed from supportive friendship to more, but he couldn’t put his finger on any single event. Rather than an epiphanous moment, it had been a slow progression, the sense of family once Sophie was part of their lives growing incrementally until the feeling of belonging was too strong to ignore any longer. He couldn’t have both, though. He knew himself well enough to know that the argument today would be only the beginning if he let things stay as they were. He’d have that sense of family a little while longer, but his resentment would grow as well until they fought more and more. Sophie deserved better than that. If he left now, she wouldn’t be subjected to that, wouldn’t even remember him.

Everyone would be better off that way. He knew it, but his heart protested the dual loss. Steeling his resolve, he rose and continued his walk, trying to release the anger and pain so he could explain the situation to Srikkanth as matter-of-factly as possible. He didn’t want a big scene. He didn’t want to make Srikkanth feel guilty, but this was a line he could not cross and remain true to himself.

When Jaime got home, he let himself inside and looked around for Srikkanth, but the living room and kitchen were empty, only the lamp next to the couch providing any light. His heart clenched as he walked into the kitchen and saw the plate Srikkanth had obviously prepared for him. Reheating his dinner, he ate in silence, feeling the gulf widening with each passing moment. He knew Srikkanth was in the house. His car was in its parking spot, and occasionally Jaime would hear a footstep upstairs, but he didn’t call out to let the other man know he was home. He couldn’t. If he did, Srikkanth would come downstairs and Jaime would have to explain everything. He knew they needed to talk, but not right now. Not when Jaime’s heart was still breaking over the decision he’d made.

Finishing his dinner, he took a deep breath and went into his room on the main floor, locking the door behind him. Another hour passed before he heard Srikkanth come back downstairs, calling his name softly. Jaime wanted to open the door and go to him, but one of two things would happen if he did. Either Srikkanth would reach for him and all Jaime’s resolve would crumble, leaving them back in the same situation that led to their fight earlier, or else Srikkanth would try to continue their discussion and Jaime would lose his temper again. Neither option was acceptable, so he stayed where he was, clicking off his light and pretending to be asleep despite the fact that it wasn’t even nine o’clock.

Srikkanth
stared at the closed door helplessly. He could feel the schism between Jaime and himself deepening, but he couldn’t bridge the gap by himself. He needed Jaime to meet him halfway, and the closed door didn’t invite his visit. Remembering his mother’s advice to his sister on the eve of her wedding to never go to bed angry at her husband, Srikkanth called Jaime’s name again, trying the door handle.

It was locked.

Defeated, he went back upstairs, not confident enough in his position to try to force the issue more than he’d already done. From Jaime’s perspective, Srikkanth had created this mess. Srikkanth got that, but no amount of reasoning would ease his fears. Someone had threatened his baby, his family, and he couldn’t simply forget that because his method of protecting them didn’t meet with Jaime’s approval. It had only taken one phone call to have the police on his doorstep. They hadn’t found anything and had left again, but that didn’t mean they wouldn’t be back if they received another call. Even if they didn’t find anything more than they’d found the first time, the repeated trauma of dealing with social services would wear him down and tear him apart.

His empty bed taunted him with his failure, the sheets cold after sleeping next to Jaime’s warmth, his fears heightened in the chilling light of Jaime’s absence. It might not take an outside force to tear apart his family. If he couldn’t find a way to resolve things with Jaime, it could very well be torn apart from the inside. He tossed and turned for an hour, unable to settle. Giving up finally, he wandered into Sophie’s room, hoping her presence would soothe him. She was as restless as he was, it seemed, as she tossed in her bed. He picked her up and rocked her gently, memories of all the nights Jaime had come in to help him assailing him as he sat there with her in his arms. He caught himself looking toward the door, expecting to see Jaime there as he’d been so many nights—almost every night since Nathaniel moved out—but the doorway stayed empty, as empty as Srikkanth’s bed. The repetitive rocking and the warm weight of Sophie’s body in his arms eventually lulled him into a doze despite his emotional turmoil, his head falling forward awkwardly onto his chest. The movement roused him enough for him to stand up carefully, tucking Sophie back into her crib, but he didn’t leave the room. Everything was topsy-turvy in his head, and the thought of returning to an empty bed didn’t appeal at all. He could go downstairs and try again to force a resolution with Jaime, except that he didn’t want it to be forced. He needed Jaime to want this as much as he did. Unfortunately that didn’t seem to be the case, and waking him up at well after midnight wouldn’t help. With a sigh, he turned toward the day bed, but Jaime had given him that as well and had snuggled with him in it as they fed Sophie. Everywhere he turned, memories lurked. Grumbling a little, he pulled the quilt from the bed and tried to find a comfortable position in the rocking chair.

Srikkanth
didn’t see Jaime the next morning before Jaime left for work. The other man timed his presence in the kitchen so that he was in and out while Srikkanth was changing Sophie’s diaper. He left without even saying goodbye to Sophie, a fact that stung far worse than Jaime leaving without saying goodbye to Srikkanth.

Srikkanth got that Jaime was angry with him. He even thought he understood why, although he wasn’t ready to simply accede to Jaime’s demands, but Sophie hadn’t done anything to upset Jaime, yet she, too, was suffering because of their ongoing fight. He could tell she was looking for Jaime, but all he could do was promise her he would come home that night and that he still loved her. He only hoped he wasn’t lying.