Her Own Rules/Dangerous to Know (17 page)

“How truly sad for you to lose two people you cared about so close together. They must have loved you very much.”

“Oh, yes, they did,” Meredith said softly, remembering them, cherishing them inside. “That's why it was so hard for me when they died. Jack was the first person to ever show me any affection in my life, put his arms around me, comfort me.”

There was a brief silence before Hilary Benson asked softly “Are you saying that there was a sexual relationship between you and Jack Silver?”

“I'm not suggesting anything of the sort!” Meredith shot back, her voice rising. “Amelia also loved me and as much as Jack did. She showed me a great deal of affection too, but it was verbal. The poor woman was in a wheelchair.
She
couldn't very well put
her
arms around me.”

“I understand,” the psychiatrist replied quietly, noting Meredith's anger, her overreaction, realizing that there had indeed been a sexual relationship between Meredith and Jack. But it was far too early to probe this. Meredith Stratton was not ready.

Meredith looked at her watch; it was four o'clock. She had been there almost an hour. “I have an appointment at my office at four-thirty Dr. Benson, and in any case I think our first session is finished, is it not?”

“Yes, you are correct,” Hilary answered, glancing at the clock on her desk. “I believe we have another appointment on Thursday of this week.”

“Yes, we do,” Meredith replied, standing up. As she shook the doctor's hand and then left the private office, she wondered if she would keep it.

C
HAPTER
N
INETEEN

D
espite her misgiving, Meredith did keep her Thursday appointment with Dr. Hilary Benson. And she agreed to three more sessions the following week.

So far, the psychiatrist had not pinpointed the cause of her attacks of fatigue.

It was at her fifth appointment, at the end of the second week, that Meredith finally decided to make it their last meeting.

“I don't think we're getting anywhere at all, Dr. Benson,” she said slowly. “I've talked endlessly and you've listened, and we've not really progressed or come up with anything of real value. We don't even know if I'm suffering from psychogenic fatigue.”

“
I
think you are,” the psychiatrist said firmly.

“But I haven't had any more attacks.”

“I know. But that doesn't mean very much.”

“Let's make this our last session.”

“I think that would be foolish of you,” Hilary answered quietly, observing her closely. “Something is troubling you. I am certain of that. We just haven't uncovered it yet.”

“I can't come again for several weeks. I'm going to London and Paris for a month.”

“When are you leaving?”

“On Wednesday or Thursday of next week.”

“Shall we see how we do today, Meredith?”

“All right,” she agreed. She did so because she had grown to like Hilary Benson, felt at ease with her and she trusted her. Even though they had not discovered the root of her problem, she knew she was partly at fault. For years she had lived with half-truths, had hidden so much, it was difficult to unearth all of this now.

Hilary said, “I'm not going to mince my words today, Meredith, I'm going to be brutally honest with you. I know you are lying to me. I know you had a sexual relationship with Jack Silver. I want you to tell me about it.”

Meredith was so taken aback, she blurted out, “It wasn't just sexual. We loved each other—” Breaking off, she swiftly averted her face, regretting these words.

“You mustn't be embarrassed,” Hilary murmured in an understanding tone. “I'm not here to judge you, I'm only trying to help you. . . . Talk to me, tell me about Jack, tell me what happened all those years ago at Silver Lake Inn. I
know
you'll feel better if you do, and having more information about your past will help me to trace the cause of your illness.”

There was a very long silence. Meredith did not answer. Instead, she rose, walked over to the window, stood looking down onto Park Avenue, thinking about Jack and Amelia and herself, and all that had happened between them so long ago. It had shaped her life, changed her life. She had had so much from them. She did not want Hilary to think badly of Jack. Or of her.

Turning around, she walked back to the chair and sat down opposite Hilary, who was behind the desk. “Yes, it's true. We did have a sexual relationship, but we also loved each other very much. I haven't wanted to talk about it to you because I don't want you to misunderstand. Words can sound so cold when they're said. Perhaps you could never understand the love, the emotions, the feelings, there were between us, because you were not a witness to them. No one could understand.” Meredith gave her a long, hard stare.

Hilary nodded. “I appreciate everything you're saying. I know exactly what you mean. But as I just told you a moment ago, I'm not a judge or juror, just your doctor. And if I am to help you, I must understand your past.”

“Do you think that's troubling me? Our love affair? Jack's and mine?”

“I'm not sure, Meredith. I have to hear everything first before I can make an assessment.”

“Because
I'm
sure it isn't. However, I will tell you about Jack, and what happened between us when I went to work at the inn in 1969.”

“Are you comfortable? Would you prefer to sit over there on the sofa?”

Meredith shook her head. “No, I'm fine here. I just want to preface what I have to say about Jack with something else. A couple of weeks ago, my son, Jon, told me he used to listen to me crying at night when he was very young. And I did, I wept endless tears until I thought I had none left in me, but I always did. I cried for a lot of things in those days, but especially for Amelia and Jack. I missed them so much.”

Meredith paused, cleared her throat, then she went on softly. “Jack Silver was my true love. I loved him from the first day I met him. He had fallen in love with me too that day. He called it a
coup de foudre.
I'd never heard that phrase before. He told me what it meant . . . struck by lightning. But we kept our love at bay for weeks, never disclosed our feelings for each other. Then Amelia had to go away. She had to visit her mother in Manhattan. The old lady was very ill, probably dying, and Jack drove Amelia into the city. When he returned on that July night, he came looking for me. He found me down by Silver Lake, lying in the grass, endeavoring to cool off. It was extremely hot that month, blistering. He said he needed to talk to me about Amelia; he was worried because he had left her alone with her sick mother, and with only two young maids in attendance. He wondered out loud if he ought to drive me into the city the next day so that I could stay with Amelia, look after her. I told him I would be happy to go, that I'd do anything for him.

“And then suddenly, without either of us understanding exactly how it happened, we were in each other's arms, kissing each other. I'd never experienced anything like it before, the surging passion, the desire, and the love I felt for him. I hadn't had any previous sexual encounters, Dr. Benson, and Jack was upset when he discovered I was a virgin, scolded me for not telling him. But by then it was too late. We had already made love.”

Meredith fell silent for a split second.

Hilary Benson said nothing; she knew it was wiser to wait until Meredith was ready to continue her story.

After a few moments, Meredith said softly, “And we went on making love to each other even after Amelia returned to Silver Lake. We just couldn't help ourselves, we were so crazily in love. Jack had been terribly deprived for years, before my coming on the scene. He told me that he had once gone to a call girl in New York, but that it had been a failure, a waste of time because he had no feelings for her. But Jack loved me, and he loved Amelia, and we were scrupulous. We never displayed our intense feelings for each other in front of her. Jack always said that Amelia must never know about us, that we must not hurt her in any way whatsoever, and we never did.”

“She never knew?” Hilary asked.

Meredith did not answer. Instead, she went on, “Then one day I missed my period. I knew I must be pregnant. I was terrified, convinced Amelia would guess the baby was Jack's child. But he reassured me, told me Amelia would never suspect. I believed him, why wouldn't I? I loved him beyond all reason. When I asked him what I would say to Amelia, how I would explain my pregnancy, he said I must invent a boyfriend, say that my new young man was the father. Later I could explain to her that my boyfriend had let me down, gone away and left me in the lurch, left me to fend for myself. And this is what I did tell Amelia, and she believed me.

“Actually, Dr. Benson, Amelia was so thrilled I was pregnant, she was in seventh heaven. When I became really heavy, six months into my pregnancy, she insisted I move into the apartment over the garage adjoining their house. I had been living in the attic of the inn, and Amelia just decided one day that the stairs were too much for me, and this was true. And so we all settled down in the house together. Naturally, Jack and I were as careful as we'd always been in front of Amelia.

“One afternoon, when I was eight months into my pregnancy, Amelia asked me if I intended to go away once the baby was born. I told her I didn't want to leave, that I hoped I could stay at Silver Lake, continue working for them. She was very happy to hear this, and I remember how she placed her small hand on my stomach and smiled and said, ‘Our baby, Meri. It'll be our baby, we'll all bring it up, and we're going to be so happy here together.' And we were, that's the truth. Sometimes I wondered out loud to Jack whether Amelia suspected the baby was his, and he assured me she did not.

“Finally, our daughter, Catherine, was born. The most perfect baby any of us had ever seen. Beautiful, with Jack's bright blue eyes. And then three years later tragedy came to Silver Lake. Jack died, just like that, in the flick of an eyelash. He had a heart attack when he was talking to Pete O'Brien on the front lawn. And he never knew he had a heart problem, none of us did.” Meredith sat back in her chair, stared off into space, lost again in that faraway time.

“And then what happened?” Hilary asked after a few seconds had elapsed. “Please continue.”

“What happened? We
grieved,
Amelia and I. We were so sorrowful. But I had the baby to look after and the inn to run for Amelia . . . so much work in those days, but I was young, strong . . . I had my hands full but I coped. And poor Amelia was in such a bad way, I had to take care of her as well. You see, she did not really want to live after Jack's death, and by the following spring she was fading. I knew she was not long for this world. At least, I felt that, felt that she was literally willing herself to die. My heart grew heavier and heavier as the months passed. I couldn't bear the thought of losing her so soon after Jack . . . the very idea of it filled me with dread.

“One day, a Friday it was, Amelia and I were sitting together in the mud room of the hotel, arranging daffodils for the restaurant tables. Cat was playing on the steps in the spring sunshine. Suddenly Amelia looked at me in the most peculiar way and she told me she had made a will. ‘It's all for you and Cat, Meri. I've no one else to leave all this to, and besides, Catherine is a Silver. The last of the Silvers, at this moment in time, until she grows up and has a Silver of her own. So all this belongs to the child, Jack's child.
You
must keep it safe for her. I trust you to do the right thing; you're smart, Meri. If you ever have to sell the inn for any reason, then do so. Or rent it out, if running it gets to be too much for you. But keep the land, keep the Silver Lake property, no matter what. It is already worth millions, and can only increase in value. That's what Jack would want you to do, Meri, he'd want you to keep the land. It's belonged to the Silvers for almost two hundred years.' As you can probably imagine, I was stunned, Dr. Benson. Aghast that she knew Catherine was Jack's child.

“Once I'd recovered from my surprise, I asked Amelia how she had guessed about the baby, and she gave me that weird look again and said, ‘But I've always known, Meri, since the day you became pregnant.' I suppose I must have looked extremely baffled, and so she went on to explain. Jack told me, Meri dear,' she said, and then took hold of my hand, held it tightly in hers. ‘He loved me from childhood, but he loved you, too, and he needed you desperately, Meri. He was a virile young man, full of passion. I was of no use to him as a woman anymore, not after my accident. He never looked at another woman and for years he was celibate, until you came here. He fell for you, Meri. And once you were pregnant he wanted the child, oh how he wanted it, my darling. And I've never begrudged the relationship he had with you. I knew he would never hurt me or leave me. And I also knew you would always be loyal to me. I loved Jack so much, Meri, and I love you and the baby, too. She's like my child.' And she meant every word, Dr. Benson, Amelia always spoke the truth.”

Meredith fell silent again. Remembering that particular day with Amelia, so long ago now, still affected her deeply. Her eyes were bright with tears when she eventually focused her gaze on the psychiatrist. “Amelia died later that year—1974—and she made me a wealthy woman and Cat an heiress. She did leave us everything, and there was so much more than the Silver Lake Inn and the land. There was her own estate, which she had inherited from her mother. She made a few bequests, to Pete O'Brien, who had run the property for years, and his wife, Blanche, and other people who worked at the inn. But the bulk of the Silver estate and her own inheritance came to us. And yet I would have given it all up just to have Amelia back. I longed for her, grieved for her for years. And I also grieved for Jack.”

“It's a most unusual story, very moving,” Hilary said, her voice low, compassionate. She had noted Meredith's emotions a moment before, and she fully understood how much Meredith had cared for the couple. It was on the tip of her tongue to ask Meredith if she thought the Silvers had used her as a surrogate, and then she instantly changed her mind. In her heart of hearts, Hilary knew this was not the case. She believed that Meredith had told her the story of her life with the Silvers exactly the way it had happened. Her words had the ring of truth to them. She might well be lying about other parts of her life, but not about these particular years.

There was a carafe of water on a console table nearby, and Meredith rose, went to pour herself a glass. Turning to look at Hilary, she murmured, “I am convinced my attacks of fatigue have nothing to do with my early years in Connecticut. I was very happy with the Silvers, they were very good to me.”

“I know,” Hilary replied. “And I think you are right. The attacks are not related to that time at all. So we must dig deeper, go further back. But I don't know when we can do this. Unless you come in for another session before you leave for London and Paris. That would give us a start, at least.”

Meredith hesitated momentarily, and then she made a decision. “All right,” she said, “I'll come tomorrow afternoon if you can fit me in.”

“Let me check my other appointments with my secretary,” Hilary responded, pressing the button of the intercom.

 

That night Meredith dreamed the dream of her childhood again.