Her Name Is Rose (21 page)

“I don't know.” She reached into her bag for a hairbrush. “I haven't thought about that. I mean, I have. A hundred times. But not really, as in, what I would
really
say if I met her face-to-face. I know it's right that no one thinks about how the adoptive mother feels, but I have thought about her, I mean, Hilary, a lot. Down through the years. Mostly, I wished I could tell her how well Rose was doing.”

The truth was that in the last few days she had thought about nothing else—what she would actually say when she found her.

“Thank you,” Iris said very quietly. “
Thank you,
that's what I've always wanted to say,
Thank you, for Rose.
”

Hector slowed down and eased the Jag alongside a footpath in front of number 43 and parked. “This is the street. Valley View Terrace.”

She glanced quickly at him and then up toward the small, gray-shingled house with a white porch. A row of trimmed, ball-shaped boxwood lined the path and house front like green rosary beads.

“Should I come in with you?”

“No. Thank you. I have to do this by myself.”

Iris got out of the car. She shook her dress and smoothed her hair and walked toward the house. At the front door she looked back. Then she stepped up under the small porch and pressed the doorbell.

After a few moments, a tall woman, early forties with very short dark hair, opened the door.

“May I help you?”

Iris could barely breathe. “Are you Hilary Barrett?”

“Yes.”

Iris's hand went out to steady herself against the nearest support, the upright of the little porch, which was just behind her. She nearly fell off the short step. The woman looked guardedly at her. “I wonder if I might speak with you.”

“If it's about my yoga class, I'm not teaching from home anymore. Did the hotel send you? I've told them I'm not doing privates anymore.”

She doesn't recognize me. But I don't recognize her, either.

In a strange way, Iris was relieved that she could say she didn't want a private class. “The hotel didn't send me.”

“Oh. What then?”

“I wonder if I can come in.”

The woman had been standing behind a screen door so her face was visible only through a mesh, but Iris could see she was dressed in workout clothes, black, like her hair.

“It won't take long.”

“You're not a Jehovah's Witness?”

“No. I'm not. I'm from Ireland and—”

“Are you looking for a place to stay? Is
that
what the hotel said? They're always sending people here if they're full. I used to do rooms during the Tanglewood concerts, but not anymore, I'm sorry. I've got to talk to them—”

“I'm sorry … Ms. Barrett, I don't want a room, either. I just want to talk with you … to ask you … I want to tell you…” Iris faltered. This was hard. This was impossible. “May I please come in?”

Hilary Barrett opened the screen door then and came out and stood beside Iris. She'd closed her front door behind her. There was barely enough space under the small porch for the two women to stand. Iris could see the color of her eyes. They were brown like Rose's but not quite the same almond shape. The woman squinted into the sun and put a hand up to shield her eyes. Her fingers were long like Rose's but, unlike her daughter, she wore several silver rings. Was this the same woman she'd met in Dublin over twenty years ago? Iris couldn't decide.

“What's this about? You're scaring me.”

“I really am sorry to disturb you,” said Iris and she looked quickly back to the car where Hector was no longer sitting. Where was he? She hadn't heard the car door open or close. She felt dizzy. “This is awkward,” Iris said. “I'm not sure how to put this.”

“You're Irish, you said?”

Iris pulled down on her shoulder bag for support and crossed one leg behind the other.

“I've always wanted to go to Ireland.”

“What?” Iris said quickly.

“I hear it's really nice. The people are supposed to be real friendly.”

“You've … never been?” she stammered.

“No…” the woman replied with her head cocked slightly. “I've been to Europe. You know, Eurailing, college days. But…”

Iris shook her head. What was she saying?
She'd never been to Ireland.

The woman waited for Iris to explain herself. She even smiled and looked around as if maybe this was a joke and someone was going to pop out from behind the car and shout something surprising.

Finally Iris said, “You're not the real Hilary Barrett, then.”

“Excuse me?”

“I mean … you're not the person I'm looking for.”

The woman said nothing.

“You never lived on St. Botolph Street in Boston?”

“Now look, this is getting weird. Either you tell me what you want, or—”

Iris made no sound, but her eyes teared and she looked helplessly around her.

“Iris?” Hector's voice sounded from the sidewalk. He was standing on the driver's side of the car.

“Is that your husband?” the woman asked.

Iris shook her head. “Sorry” was all she managed, then she turned and stumbled down toward the car.

Hilary Barrett peered after her, bewildered, and took a stance with her hands on her hips as if ready to adopt a Warriorlike yoga pose, then she started down the path toward the Jag, but Hector held out his hands like he was stopping traffic and motioned for her to stay. He went around to the passenger side and opened the door for Iris. When she sat in she collapsed forward. He came around to the driver's side and sat in, too. Hilary Barrett stood where she was, midway down the path.

“She's not … the Hilary Barrett I'm looking for,” Iris said, her breath choking on words between sobs.

“I know,” Hector said.

“What?” Iris turned to him.

“The one you're looking for is dead.”

 

Twelve

Rowan lay on the night grass of the seventeenth green, his shoes off, his tie loose. Several hours after the mourners had departed the memorial service, Pierce had found him, the blue-flowered urn with Burdy's ashes lying beside him. Above them, a crescent moon formed a triangle with Venus and Jupiter.

For a few moments, neither of them spoke. The bentgrass cushioned Pierce's shoes as he rocked back and forth on the flawless green. “I thought I'd find you here. Burdy's Last Stand, hey?” Pierce wasn't the sort to lower his tall frame onto the now damp grass. Not usually. It was too awkward, but eventually, seeing that his brother showed no signs of getting up or even acknowledging his presence, he sat down beside Rowan.

After a few moments, Pierce indicated the urn. “Is he still there?”

“All there,” Rowan said.

With one arm resting on his bent knee, Pierce peered into the darkness, gauging his brother's state of mind. Finally. “Come on, Ro. Get up.” His bother nudged him. “Time to go home. It's nearly over.”

Rowan shifted his weight and turned to look at him. “Is it? Or just beginning?”

“Ah, brother,” said Pierce, “School of Life rulebook? Very deep.” He laughed lightly. “Come on now. Enough's enough.” Pierce stood. He bent toward his brother with an outstretched arm. Rowan hesitated but Pierce kept his arm extended until his brother grabbed it and helped himself up. Rowan picked up the urn. The night air thrummed with crickets. Pierce stood for a moment on the green and pretended an air swing.

Rowan started walking away, and then, because there was no other way to shed the thing that was weighing him down, he turned back, and said, “She had a baby.”

Pierce stalled midswing. “What? Who?”

“Hilary.” Rowan stopped. “Hilary Barrett.” There were no lights along the fairway. They could barely see each other.

“What are you talking about?” Pierce seized hold of his brother's arm. “Hilary?”

“Burdy's old secretary told me.”

“
That's
who that was? Peggy Dillon? I thought I recognized her.
What
did she say?
Exactly
?”

“She said she saw Hilary in Dublin. Pregnant.”

“God! When?”

“St. Patrick's Day.”

“No, I mean what year?”

“The only year she was in Ireland. The year before she died. Do the math!”

Rowan walked away carrying the urn. The grass cooled his feet but his head was hot. Pierce went after him. “I don't want to say this, but what makes you think it's…?”

“It was six months after I broke off with her is why.”

“Still … it mightn't—”

“Still. Nothing.” He put down the urn, swept his hands along the grass, then ran his wet fingers through his hair. Pierce waited and then they linked forward in the direction of Louise's house, as if following an invisible ball. The moon had moved and was hidden by the trees bordering the fairway. The course was patterned in light and dark, white metal signs indicated the directions to tees and gleamed low in the grass.

All the lights were on when they reached the condo. Rowan hesitated. Pierce placed a hand on his brother's shoulder. “You go in, Ro. I'll walk back to the clubhouse and settle up.”

“I'll come with you.”

“No,” he said firmly. “You need to go in to Mother.”

Rowan looked at him. “What have I done?” he said quietly.

The kitchen table was set for three, ready for morning. Louise, in a pink cotton bathrobe, the top of her hair in rollers and the remnants of five cigarette butts in the glass ashtray in front of her, gauged her son's intoxication as he laid down the urn.

“Sorry, Mother. Something came up.”

“Is that all you can say? Then
please
 … explain why you weren't there to say good-bye to the guests.”

“Sit down, Mother.”

“I don't want to sit down. I've been sitting down since ten waiting for you to come home. I sent Pierce to find you. I thought … I thought—”

Rowan interrupted her sharply. “Stop.” He held out his hands toward her. “Please. There's something I need to tell you.” Rowan sat and took the glass in his hand. “I think I'm going to need your help.”

It was the thing she was most hoping to hear. She sat down beside him and took hold of his hands. “There's a meeting every other night in the community center.”

“No.”

“Rowan, dear, come on. It's the only way. One day at a time.”

He paused. “It's not what you think.” He withdrew his hands.

“Don't be dismissive. That's the thing I hated most about your father!”

Rowan looked at her. That hurt. He rocked his head side to side in sadness. His eyes watered, and he gulped to stop himself from crying. It seemed they sat a long time, neither of them speaking, Louise opening and closing her mouth forming words she didn't speak. Louise got up from the table and walked to the sink. To the refrigerator. Back to the table and sat. Rowan didn't see Pierce, but he'd heard the screen door open and knew his brother stood in the hallway, waiting.

Finally Louise said, “Tell me! What's happened?”

The look on Rowan's face startled her. “Oh God,” she said. “What have you done?”

“Mother—”

“Tell me!”

“Calm down, please.”

Pierce came up behind Rowan and put a hand on his shoulder and shook him gently. “Hey, buddy. It's going to be all right.” He left his hand there and, after waiting a few moments, in case Rowan would explain to their mother, Pierce turned to Louise. “You might be a grandmother after all.”

Louise's eyes quivered. Stunned, mouth fully agape, she looked first to Pierce, then to Rowan. Fluorescent light showed the full weariness of her face. “I don't understand.”

“It's late. It's been a full-on day,” said Pierce.

“Hilary?” she said softly, her voice waning like light rain falling.

Pierce went to his mother and bent to kiss the side of her face, which was turned to Rowan with tears in her eyes. “And enough's been said for the time being, I think. Rowan will tell us all about it in the morning.” Pierce's commanding voice quieted them and in a way gave them permission to be silent. No more talking was necessary, his look told his mother. “You need to sleep. And so does Rowan. Nothing can be achieved tonight.”

It was as if all at once in the silence of the bright kitchen all three received, individually, a kind of blessing from Burdy. The urn with his ashes, bathed in a kind of blue aura, seemed to radiate. It was like a key turning the plot of a life, Rowan thought. He went to his mother then to assist her to stand. Despite the occasion and the enormity of the disclosure, Rowan somehow now managed a smile, albeit weak. His wasn't a tortured face any longer, just drained and tired. With his help Louise stood and she took hold of him, and for the first time in a long time Rowan let himself be held.

*   *   *

In the morning Louise went out early and came back with a box of pastries, and over coffee in the kitchen her sons puzzled together the scant information they had. “If Hilary
really
had a child,” she said, “her parents would know.”

“Maybe. Maybe not,” Pierce said.

“But if they knew, why wouldn't they have told me?” Rowan fidgeted with his coffee spoon.

Pierce said he remembered attending her funeral. “What? Twenty years ago?”

“Seventeen. She died on February 15, 1992.”

It had been a cold February day when a snowstorm threatened to disable the service. Louise remembered Hilary's grief-stricken father, Jack, and the seething anger that was clearly directed at her son. Rowan had been forced to consider that Mr. Barrett's anger was in some way justified. He'd broken the engagement rather unchivalrously. He'd been too young. They'd both been too young. In the years since there had been no further contact, but every February 15, in that place inside him where he had left his love for her and where once the world had been full of the possibility of marriage and children and happy ever after, Rowan thought of her. And as the years went on, he knew he had made a mistake.