Helluva Luxe (8 page)

I wasn’t in a hurry to stock up since there was hardly anyone there yet. By the time I finished, Ash had disappeared again, and Lily was sitting at my bar alone. Her eyes were hollow, hair matted down, clothes rumpled. She looked like she’d been cried out.

“Where is Ash?” she whispered.

“I don’t know,” I said.

I looked up in the booth. Chance was rocking out on the headphones to a completely different beat than the one I was hearing. He gave me the finger and kicked on “She Destroys.” I started smiling and shook my head.

Lily’s eyes welled up again.

I considered shoving her into the wall, too. Why not? It seemed to be my night.

“Lonely at the top, my dear? Double life got you down?”

“I deserve that, don’t I?” She sighed really hard. “I need you to be honest with me about something, Rorke. Could you do that for me?”

I nodded. I was polishing wine glasses. I could take on anything when I was polishing wine glasses.

“Kendol proposed.”

I broke one.

“Hell, no. No, Lily. You just say no. In fact, if he asked you after what happened tonight… How big a fool are you, honey?”

“Is your hand okay?”

“Answer my question.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have told you,” she said. I picked a piece of glass out of my palm and poured her a shot. “You don’t have to be such a bitch, Rorke.”

“Neither do you. Drink up.”

“Are you bleeding?”

“No. I’m not bleeding.”

She took the shot and pushed the hair out of her eyes. Then she looked up at me. I don’t know what she expected me to say, because I wasn’t gonna validate some bullshit sham of a marriage. Then a little alarm went off in my head.

“You already said yes to him. Didn’t you?”

She didn’t breathe, didn’t even blink.

I slammed my hand down on the bar. “Undo it. Blame it on whatever he fed you from his little man-bag. I saw him give you a pill. Tell him you’re on the rag, outta your damn mind. I don’t care. Think of something. Seriously, do you love that guy? Do you even like him?”

“Everyone loves Kendol.”

“That’s it? That’s all you got? If you’re going to marry this clown, the answer I’m looking for is yes.”

“I like myself when I’m with him.”

“Oh, come on, Lily. You like the way you look when you’re with him. He’s a good catch, right? And he’s easy because you don’t love him. Well, I got news for you, sister, he doesn’t love you, either.”

I stared her down. She didn’t respond.

“But it’s different with Ash, isn’t it? Tell me the truth. Does she eat you alive?”

Lily shook her head and gave me the weakest argument she possibly could. “You’re wrong, Rorke. Kendol is attractive, and he’s creative and intelligent—”

“And wealthy. And famous. And gay. He’s gay, Lily. A gay man gave you a pill and proposed to you. And you know what else, you’re gay, Lily. Do you see the theme here?”

“He loves me!”

“You’re both a couple of bearded ladies!”

“I’m not,” she insisted. She even pushed her little chin out. The gesture was so forced it sucked all the air outta my bubble, and I just stood there, deflated.

“Well, I guess we’ll find out, won’t we?” I said.

She frowned, crossed her arms and turned away from me like a child.

“When he’s not selling pictures of your face anymore, or talking you up to rock stars, and you’re just the little wifey, then will you still like yourself when you’re with him? Will that be enough for you? I’d be willing to bet his big empty house gets lonely.”

She sighed. I went on.

“I knew him before he was famous. In fact, I’ve known Kendol since he was… Wait. Do you even know his real name, or did you just assume you’d become Lily Strike?”

“I don’t need your permission,” she said. “There’s a lot you don’t know.”

“I thought you were after the truth.”

She eyed me again. Her lips pressed into a line.

“Well?” I said.

“Have you ever heard that if you dream something more than once it comes true? Maybe not exactly the way you dreamed it, but some manifestation?”

“If you tell me you dreamed you’re supposed to marry Kendol, I’m done with this conversation.”

And just as I said it I heard something.

The sound floated into my head underneath the bar noise. Somebody was singing “Broken Days,” and it chilled me to the core.

“No, it’s not that, Rorke. I’ll tell you, but please don’t laugh, okay?”

All I could think was, who the hell is singing?

I looked up at the booth. Chance had just kicked on another fast song and walked away from the board. He was talking to some newbie who was clearly using the request list as an excuse to try and nail him. Then I looked over at my crew. They were all absorbed in each other. Nobody was fucking singing. But there it was in my head.

Lily reached for my arm and said, “Please listen, Rorke. It won’t take long. I promise.”

“I can’t,” I said. I pulled away from her. “I need to, I don’t know, breathe for a minute.” For the first time I was scared I’d finally pickled the last of my gray matter.

She sighed at me.

I poured her a glass of Malbec and set in on a bar nap with a cherry. That made her smile. She slipped the cherry in her mouth, kicked off her shoes, and tucked her feet up like a little girl.

I tried to find my hands something to do other than shake, like wiping down the liquor bottles. It was either that, or grab a steak knife and swat some invisible bees.

“I don’t think I’d have a very good time in Heaven, Rorke,” she said. “Not the white one up in the clouds, anyway.”

“I’m glad to hear it, hon. Because they probably won’t let your sneaky little ass through the gates.”

“That’s not what I mean. I saw it in my dream.”

“Drink your milk,” I said.

“It’s not a big deal, Rorke.” She gave me a teasing smile. She seemed so sound all the sudden. Then she cocked her head like she had me figured out. “Oh my god, you’re superstitious about death, aren’t you?”

“Bite me.”

“You are!” She started laughing. “It’s not what I would expect from the big, bad bartender.”

She eyed me some more and fingered her wine glass.

“My dream is about me dying, silly. Not you,” she said. And she seemed totally okay with that.

“Lily, you freak, is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“I don’t know what it means exactly, but I get the feeling I don’t belong in capital-H heaven. Not the one that’s run by a man, anyway. And not because I’m a great big sinner, either. That’s just nonsense.”

“Okay, I’ll bite. What else?”

“In my dream the angels send me away because my heaven is meant to be somewhere else. They gather together, and they give me fairy wings, and tiny feet, and a handful of stars. They chant in whispers. I’m not sure what they say, but it sounds beautiful. And then I fall. It doesn’t hurt when I land, and I still have my wings and my stars. And some kickass purple lip gloss, by the way. Don’t you see, Rorke? The Luxe is my Heaven. I belong here. Forever. I’ll always be part of this bar. So as long as Ash is here, we can’t be separated.”

“Kendol must be giving you some really good shit.”

“I’m not a coward,” she insisted. “I know that’s what you think of me, that I don’t want people to see me with a woman, but you’re wrong.”

“That’s what it looks like from the outside, Lily.”

“When has she ever said that she loves me?”

I bit my lip.

“When?” she demanded.

“She shows you every day. If I can see it, why can’t you?”

“It’s not enough. Kendol says he loves me. He says it all the time. He doesn’t make me feel crazy the way she does.”

“Thank you. That’s my point, right there. That last thing you just said. Do you want to hear about love or do you want to feel it?”

“Fire in the pit of your stomach is not pleasant. Jealousy and anxiety and complete loss of control are not pleasant.”

Suddenly, everything was a little too clear.

“You’ve never been in love. Have you, Lily?”

She scowled at me like a child.

“I’m right. Damn, girl, I think I missed my calling as a palm reader.”

“Wanna borrow my glowing orb?” She winked at me. “You just can’t drop it, though, okay?”

“Lily, please don’t marry him. Tell him you made a mistake.”

“I can’t,” she said. “I have to follow this through. You’ll come to understand. I promise.”

And that’s when I looked up and saw Ash in the shadow at the bottom of the stairs. There’s no way she could have heard us over the music. Or at least that’s what I told myself. Over and over again.

Lily saw her, too.

“Give me a rag,” she said. “I’ll help you out.”

“Really, no. I’ve got it covered.”

“Give me the damn rag!”

Ash crossed the dance floor and disappeared.

Lily whispered, “Do you think she heard me?”

“No, I don’t. Her head would have burst into flame if she heard you say you’re getting married. What the fuck, Lily? You gotta tell her yourself. She can’t just find out by some random accident. Seriously, did someone not assemble your soul at birth? You’re gonna lose everything. You’re fucking gonna lose everything.”

She blinked at me. Her lip started to tremble.

“I told you,” she said. “Ash will always be mine.”

“You can’t have both of them, Lily. You gotta let one of them go. Please.”

“I know you think I’m a selfish bitch,” she said. “But I need more time. I can’t put her in danger. Don’t you get it? Zayzl won’t stand for the two of us being together. If I say I’ll marry Kendol, they’ll both leave her alone.”

“And we all live happily ever after?”

She just stared at me like that was the obvious answer. I wanted someone to drop a bag over my head. I leaned on the bar and let her have it.

“Ash is untouchable. Jesus, why haven’t you figured that out? She thinks they’re both a joke. And Zayzl may never leave her alone, no matter what you do. He’ll always have some reason to justify it. He hated her on sight, before you even met her, Lily. And if you think she’s going to keep playing this stupid game with you once you’re married, you don’t know her at all. She already can’t breathe. Ask her. She doesn’t need to be saved by you. She just needs you.”

Lily shook her head.

“You sounded like Mofet just then,” she said. “I’m sorry, Rorke, but this is what’s best for everyone. I don’t know how else to make you see when you won’t look. Your way won’t work. And I would die if Ash ended up hating me.”

I put my hand on her arm. “That’s where you’re headed.”

“You won’t tell her I said yes to him, Rorke.”

“I can’t make you that promise. And I won’t lie for you, either, Lily. I don’t want to lose her, too.”

“I know. I understand. Just please, I need more time.”

She gave me an awkward hug with the bar between us and took off up the stairs to her room.

I looked over at Chance in the booth.

He had his headphones around his neck, and he was leaning against the deck, watching me.

I gave him a shrug that said, I don’t know what the hell just happened.

He held up a finger. This meant, hang on, I’ll fix you.

He flipped through his music. When he found what he was looking for, he kicked up a beat mix and slid right into “Lesbian Vampires from Outer Space.”

The crowd went nuts.

He got on the mic and dedicated it to me, and they went even more nuts. Next thing I knew I had several shots lined up, a full tip jar, and some titties in my face.

I love that boy.

Lily was gone for so long I actually started having fun. But then she reappeared, bouncing and trailing after Wolf like a deranged pixie, demanding that he tell her where Ash was. She begged. She said his name like it had three syllables.

“Woooooolf, please. I know you know where she hides.”

Wolf grunted, shook his head and worked around her. “She comes back when she comes back. I’m not her keeper.”

She watched him walk off, and then she went up in the DJ booth. I imagined she was doing the same song and dance for Chance, especially when I heard him pop on “God is a Bullet.” He shot me a look to go with it. When she left the booth, I had a feeling she was coming for me again. Sure enough, the minute she hit the bottom of the stairs she started pacing the length of my bar.

“I can’t remember exactly what I said, Rorke. Tell me what she might have overheard.”

“I can’t babysit you right now, sweetheart. I have to run a bar.”

“Well, make Wolf tell me where she is.”

“I’m not sure I could make Wolf do anything. And I don’t think he knows where she is. Hell, she’s probably still in the bar somewhere. We all have jobs to do, Lily. You aren’t gonna find her until she wants to be found, and you know it. Now go play.”