Hello World (9 page)

Noticing my clenched hand, Jay takes one of
them and unfolds it so gently I don’t really notice it, rolling his thumb over
the harsh dents my nails have left, soothing me slightly.

At last, I take a step back and dab at my
eyes for the last time.

‘Sorry,’ I splutter, noticing Jay’s ruined
shirt. Mascara and eyeliner now stain the material, along with a few tears. Jay
just waves a hand dismissively. Then I frown. ‘What am I going to do? The whole
sixth form, and probably the whole school by tonight, will think I’m suicidal?’

Jay chuckles. ‘It’s just school rumours. In
a way, whoever did this spared you some sympathy in doing it the day we broke
up, everyone will have forgotten by the time we get back. And I’ll politely
show anyone who hasn’t where they can go,’ he winks.

‘What a great way to start Christmas, ho ho
ho,’ I mutter sarcastically.

‘Speaking of,’ Jay announces, wrapping an
arm around my shoulder and directing us away from the peak and back down the
hill. ‘What are you doing for Christmas?’

‘Erm, not much, why?’ I ask wearily, not
too sure what I’m so nervous about.

‘Mum always hosts a big Christmas meal for
family and close friends and stuff. Wanna come? You can stay for the day if you
like?’

‘I couldn’t possibly,’ I start, taken aback
by the invite.

‘Of course you can,’ Jay laughs. When I
continue with my uneasy look he rolls his eyes. ‘Mum loves you. Promise me
you’ll at least think about it, okay?’

I stare at him for a moment before smiling.
‘I’ll think about it,’ I promise.

‘Good.’ Seemingly satisfied, he starts
smiling to himself.

‘So, Jeremiah, huh?’ I grin. His face
falls.

‘Shut it, Red.’

Despite
the friendly banter we toss back and forth on the way home, I can’t help the
numb feeling of uneasiness and insecurity that keeps creeping over me. It’s
left me feeling exposed, like someone has taken my clothes and left me
shivering and alone in the middle of some dark, abandoned street.

There’s
another feeling I can’t quite place too. It’s like I’m standing in the cold,
facing a house and never knowing if the door is going to let me in or just stay
shut. And if it was to open, the thought of what I could or could not find on
the other side gives me shivers.

All of
this has plagued my thoughts throughout the night, which is why I end up
spending Saturday cooped up in my room after mumbling some lame excuse to Jay
when he phones about me not feeling great.

So, I’m
currently perched on my wide windowsill, my head resting on the glass as I
watch the rest of the world move around me. Our house is on a fairly busy
street, so there is always someone walking past.

My sketch
pad and college applications lay precariously on the edge of my desk, untouched
since yesterday morning as I stay in one place, content in my own thoughts and
wrapped in an old hoodie that is far too big for my tiny frame.

Oddly,
it’s one of Alex’s. He had left it over here at some point before he died and I
had stumbled on it about a week after the incident. I think I had cried for a
good four hours over this piece of clothing and kept hold of it ever since
rather than giving it back to his parents. I don’t know whether it makes me selfish,
desperate or just weird, but it gives me comfort, something that is often few
and far between. I need comfort right now.

The
thought of it makes me smile slightly. The hoodie is a dark blue and still
smells faintly of him, unless my mind is playing tricks on me.

Alex would
carry his guitar around with him a lot if we weren’t in school, so I was used
to sitting on the windowsill on days after school while Alex perched himself on
the end of my bed, playing around with a few notes and always asking, ‘does
this sound, okay?’ Which was usually followed by a ‘ah, you’re right, its crap.
I’ll start over,’ without me saying a single word.

He’d
written a few songs, and he had the voice to sing them too, but normally he was
never quite happy or content with the work he had done, and so would all start
over again the very next day. I’d pointed this out a million times, but he
would always shrug and grin with his lop-sided smile.

‘Music is
a beauty in itself, why would I want to just hang around playing the same old
thing when I can move on to find something new?’ He would counter.

‘Because a
moment ago you were calling it a piece of shit.’ I would always laugh, swinging
my legs underneath me or hugging my knees depending on my mood.

‘The music
isn’t,’ he would always argue, pulling an expression as if he was trying to
impersonate some wise guru. Then he would wink. ‘The way I play it… sometimes
not so much.’

We’d had
the same argument so many times, neither of us really winning or coming to a
conclusion at all, yet we continued to do it anyway. Still, his guitar kept him
happy.

She hides behind those hazel eyes

Shuts the world out, whispers her goodbyes

But she doesn’t know what she’s missing

She doesn’t know who she’s missing

Or who’s missing her

Alex
always used to joke that I was the girl in that song, continually locking
myself away, absorbed in my sketch pad, although I had been a social butterfly
then compared to how I am now, but I always used to argue that the fact we both
shared hazel eyes, didn’t make us the same person.

He’d also
gone on to write a song about a girl with bright red hair, but it was so cheesy
it isn’t worth mentioning.

It still
amazes me, and hurts, to think that only just over four months have passed
since Alex died. It feels like a lifetime.

My lips
suddenly quirk upwards. This time two weeks ago I was on a crazy road trip with
Jay; it’s funny how time works. Sometimes it can go so slowly its agony, and
other times it passes by in an instant.

Jay
.

That odd
boy with a chirpy smile and a shoulder to lean on.

I can’t
quite work it out; why he wants to help me so much. Sometimes, it’s like he
needs
to help. But I guess that it’s
just part of his caring nature.

The
smallest, most insecure part of me still has doubts about that text; how had my
tormentor known about that night if they hadn’t got the information from Jay
himself?

 
I’ve learnt my lesson, I can’t trust
anyone, not really. I was right not to tell Jay about my tormentor, either from
the start or when he had asked yesterday. God only knows how much damage that
could do.

Yet the
more dominant side of me wants to believe him.

Whether
it’s because I’m actually sure he hadn’t done it or whether I just
need
him not to have done it I don’t
know. Because I
need
Jay. I haven’t
realised how much I need someone to lean on and vent to and laugh with until
now, and now I have it I just can’t let it go.

Distantly,
I hear the doorbell ring and then Charlie yelling at me.

‘Yeah?’ I
yell back down, sticking my head out of the door.

‘There’s
a… boy here for you,’ he replies uncertainly. ‘I’ll get the nutcracker.’

‘What?
No!’ I yell, taking the steps two at a time whilst trying to drastically
flatten my hair into some sort of presentable style.

I expect
to find Jay, but it’s not him at all. It’s Blake.

And he
looks worried.

‘Nutcracker?’
he croaks, pulling on his collar uneasily.

‘Ignore
Charlie, he’s an idiot,’ I reply dismissively.

‘Hey!’ I
hear Charlie shout in defence, but promptly ignore him.

‘What can
I help you with?’

‘I just
swung by to make sure you were okay,’ Blake explains, a little sheepishly. ‘I
heard about the thing at school. I would have come by last night but I didn’t
get in until one.’

My eyes
widen. ‘Wait, you’re telling me you actually
go out
when Jay and I aren’t around?’ I ask, exaggeratedly.

Blake
narrows his eyes.

‘I was
going to be all gallant and caring but now I’ll just get to the point, you’re
coming with me for a walk. Hop to it,’ he instructs, folding his arms.

‘Oh, I am,
am I?’ I retort, smirking and mimicking his stance. Blake winks.

‘Uh-huh.
We need to talk, and I am officially scared to cross that threshold,’ Blake
announces, probably terrified that Charlie really will come storming out with
that damn nutcracker. Unfortunately, the reality of that is all too probable.

I think
longingly of my cosy room. The walls are technically red, but one day two
summers ago, Alex and I had literally chucked buckets of paint around so the
walls became splattered with yellows, pinks, oranges and greens. Aside from
that, various band posters, photos and drawings I have done fill any blank
space. Hanging from the ceiling are dozens of paper cranes, hung high enough
that I don’t continually bump heads with them. I can’t quite remember their
origins, but I’ve been adding to them ever since the very first one was hung.

Although
not particularly big, I had managed to squeeze in my single bed, wardrobe,
drawers and desk. I even have an old red beanie bag. This leaves little room
for movement though.

My room is
my favourite place in the world aside from the coffee shop, and when feeling as
numb as I do, I never want to leave.

‘Ten
minutes,’ I warn him. Blake shrugs, not seeming particularly bothered.

I grab
some shoes and put a coat over my hoodie since it’s freezing outside before
heading out of the door, all the while making sure Charlie stays in the lounge.
Blake seems genuinely worried for his manhood.

‘Are you
okay?’ he asks, worry creasing his features as soon as I shut the front door.

‘Fine and
dandy,’ I reply dryly. ‘I’ll be fine.’

‘Wait, I
think I can get this one,’ Blake says, putting his fingers to his temples and
creasing his face in concentration. ‘
I’ll
be fine
means no in girl code, right?’

This makes
me laugh properly for the first time today.

‘Ah, soon
you’ll be a pro,’ I tease. ‘Fine, it stings, but there isn’t anything I can do
about it. How did you find out anyway?’

Blake’s
grin drops. ‘Jay told me last night. He’s worried about you, I think he’s still
secretly scared you’ll never want to see him again.’

‘He’s
really scared of losing me?’ I frown.

‘He’s a
big girl like that,’ Blake winks, but I can tell that means yes. ‘Don’t give up
on him, he’s a good guy. Besides, I’d miss having you around,’ he smirks,
nudging me.

‘But what
about all your other friends, the ones you were hanging out with last night?’ I
tease. He makes a face.

‘They’re
great, but they’re not you,’ he says wistfully. ‘Besides, I don’t share their
interests.’

‘Basically,
you’re too nerdy for them?’

‘Touché.
Nah, they’re crazy arty types, completely wacko.’

I slap his
arm then, because I’m a crazy arty type.

‘Ouch,
joking, I’m joking. You’re mean for a girl,’ he whines, rubbing his arm.

‘And
you’re a pansy for a guy.’ At my statement, Blake straightens up to his full
height and I have to admit, he does look kind of intimidating, but it only has
me in more laughter.

‘Hey Neve,
can I ask you something?’ Blake shifts awkwardly. My guard flies up, but I nod
anyway. ‘Did you guys, you and Jay, really meet… like that text suggested?’

Jay hasn’t
told him. Even after all of this, Jay hasn’t told him about how we met.

I go to
nod but hesitate, everything from yesterday coming back at me. Telling Blake
will just mean one more risk, one more person who knows my deepest
secrets.
 

‘An
anonymous texter can hardly be trusted to tell the truth,’ I murmur, looking at
the floor. Sensing my unease, Blake simply nods and lets it go.

‘If it
helps,’ Blake adds quietly. ‘I’d miss you.’

I steal a
glance but Blake is looking elsewhere, that distant look in his expression the
same one Jay sometimes gets.

I
smile.
 

It does
help, just a little bit.

Glancing
at my hand, I muse over the funny feeling that is still running through it.
Yesterday, just before he left, Blake had tried the whole gallant-thing he had
intended to arrive with, which had him kissing the back of my hand and taking a
sweeping bow when he said goodbye. Needless to say, Blake hadn’t dared take a
step up the front path for fear that Charlie would come rushing over with a
sledgehammer.

But even
though I have slept and showered since then, the place he had kissed my hand
still felt warm and fuzzy.

Still, I
ignore the feeling and clench my hand into a fist before knocking on the
Ellsworth’s fancy door. This street still intimidates me, even though I’ve been
here a number of times, so I’ve been extra careful with my make-up, hair and outfit
choice. Currently I’m in light blue jeans and a cream, woolly jumper with my
thick black coat pulled over the top.

As I hear
someone move behind the door, my stomach clenches. Some of the doubt that had
overpowered me yesterday still lingers like an unwanted smell, but I do my best
to push it down. I keep the same chant rushing around my brain,
I don’t care what that text said, this is
Jay for God’s sake.

A moment
later the door reveals Jay, his light brown hair ruffled and dark circles under
his eyes. He looks as though he’s only just woken up, not that he looks like he
got much sleep either. He’s still in his pyjamas.

‘Wow, you
know, I never believed someone could wake up looking so perfect. I guess I was
wrong,’ I muse, leaning casually against the doorway, trying to act as if
everything that happened in the past two days… well, hadn’t.

Jay grunts
with annoyance at my comment, but I catch a flicker of relief flash through his
eyes at my being here before he turns around. The butterflies in my stomach dim
slightly.

‘It’s ten
in morning on a Sunday, do you not understand the concept of lie-ins?’ he
grumbles, running a hand through his hair as he tries to tame his bed-head.

‘It’s
practically noon,’ I insist with a dismissive wave of my hand. ‘Besides, you
promised,’ I remind him, revealing the Biology book I’m holding in my other
hand. He takes another look over his shoulder and groans.

Obviously
the geeky side of him isn’t awake yet.

‘Fine, I
think Mum is in the kitchen. I’ll be down in fifteen,’ he mumbles before
pulling himself upstairs. I smirk to myself and slip out of my shoes to plod
into the kitchen.

Joy is
sitting at the table, surrounded by paperwork and talking rapidly on the phone.
Seeing me enter, she winks and motions for me to stay and take a seat.

Her face
twists in annoyance at the person on the other end of the phone before she
rolls her eyes, mutters something under her breath and hangs up.

‘Clients?’
I laugh at her expression. Joy shakes her head and sighs.

‘Mother in
law,’ she mutters, resting her head in her palms. ‘I enjoy these Christmas
parties, I really do, but getting everyone in one place is exhausting.’ She
smiles thinly and then looks up. ‘You are coming, aren’t you?’

I shift
uncomfortably. ‘I really couldn’t-’

‘Told
you,’ Jay chimes, reappearing in the doorway. I’m not sure whether that comment
is directed at me or Joy.

‘You need
to stop thinking of yourself as a burden, Neve,’ Joy chastises, shaking her
head. ‘Believe me, I have bigger problems. Uncle Fredrick for one.’

‘Uncle
Freddo is coming?’ Blake groans, marching past Jay and heading for the fridge.
‘Morning, Neve.’

‘Morning.’
I almost frown at my hand, which has started tingling again, but manage to
conceal it.

‘Yes,
Uncle
Fredrick
is coming,’ Joy replies
tiredly, emphasizing the name. Then she turns back to me. ‘So, can I put your
name down on the list too?’

Everyone
in the kitchen stares pointedly at me and I try not to squirm under the
intensity of it.

‘Fine.’ I
say eventually. I will still have to check with Charlie first.

‘Good,’
Joy beams, stacking a pile of papers in front of her. Joy’s father is a big
business man, which is where most of the Ellsworth’s money comes from. She has
a hand in the company and is used to arranging large charity events and
fundraisers. A Christmas party would be nothing.

The phone
rings then and Joy rushes to pick it up.

‘Told you,
she loves you,’ Jay whispers into my ear. I roll my eyes and nudge him.

‘Oh,
Carrie,’ Joy sighs loudly, getting up from the table and moving away from the
rest of us. The boys share a glance. Joy shares a few more hushed words, her
shoulders gradually sinking and her expression becoming more defeated. ‘Of
course, its fine, its fine… No, don’t worry, perhaps New Year? Okay… we’ll talk
later.’

Joy hangs
up, looking dejected as she turns towards the boys. ‘That was your sister-’

‘She’s not
coming home for Christmas is she?’ Jay asks quietly, his smile struggling to
stay in place.

Blake, who
had been tucking into a bowl of cereal, jumps up, his spoon clattering against
the wooden table. ‘Tell me you’re not serious?’

‘Blake-’
Joy starts, helplessly.

‘Save it.
You would have thought that this year at least she would make it over,’ he
mutters angrily. Then he storms out of the kitchen and I watch the other two
flinch as the front door slams.

‘Mum,’ Jay
says softly, walking over to her. I silently back up, wanting to give them
their space.

‘I’m
fine,’ Joy assures him. She gives me a warm smile before Jay nods and shuffles
me out of the kitchen with him. He closes the door and plasters a smile back on
his face, although it’s more forced than usual.

I look
towards the front door.

‘Should we
go after him?’ I frown. Jay shakes his head and pushes me towards the stairs.

‘Nah, he
just needs time to calm down.’

‘Are you
sure you want me to stay?’ I say, finally getting him to stop so I can take a
good look at him. ‘If you guys need your space I can come back-’

To my
surprise, Jay hugs me.

My words
disappear into the fabric of his T-shirt as I’m pressed up against it, his arms
firmly wrapped around me as he squeezes me tightly.

‘You are
amazing,’ he says quietly into my hair. ‘Don’t ever change that.’ He gives me
one last squeeze before letting go and hopping onto the first step. Jay’s
smiling again, as if at peace about something. ‘Don’t we have some tutoring to
attempt?’

‘Attempt?’
I raise an eyebrow.

Jay
shrugs. ‘I’ve seen your notes. I don’t like to say it’s a lost cause but…’ he
winks before disappearing.

I mutter
something not suitable for Joy to hear and follow him up. The house is three
storeys, but on top of that is a small attic space that the boys have converted
into a sort of den with a TV, games console and a small sofa. A beanie bag has
recently been dragged up there for my sake, but since Blake is absent, I decide
to go straight to the sofa and spread myself across it.
 

Jay raises
an eyebrow before jumping, literally, onto the opposite end. I manage to move
my legs out of the way quick enough that he doesn’t end up flattening them but
end up resting them on him anyway. He, in turn, rests the book by my feet and
begins to work through the first chapter with me.

Unlike Mr
Finnely, Jay has my full attention, well most of it, and uses gestures when
trying to get his point across, making odd little movements when trying to
describe something that I’m sure I will remember more clearly than the actual
information.

Concentrating,
I ask about stuff I’m unclear on and do my best to answer any questions he
fires in my direction correctly.

After
about an hour though, my mind starts to melt. I have a very limited attention
span.

‘Urg,’ I
groan, kicking the damn book out of his hands. He raises an eyebrow and looks
from his empty hands to the book lying face down on the floor. ‘I’m starting to
resent Biology.’

‘Starting
to?’ Jay snorts. Then he taps my legs. ‘Come on, walk around the block and then
back to work.’

‘No,’ I
groan again putting a hand to my head. ‘No more work. Please, no more work.’

My plea is
answered with Jay kicking me off the sofa.

Mature.

Sulking, I
eventually get up and resort to shoving Jay’s back. Unfortunately for me, my
weak push does nothing. Even more unfortunately for me, Jay pushes back. Hard.

I think he
pushes harder than he realises, because I go flying backwards, and although he
puts a hand out to steady me, our feet end up tripping over each other and we
both fail to stay upright.

I manage
to brace myself for the collision with the wood, yelping when my back meets the
floor. What I fail to prepare for is Jay’s tall frame to come tumbling down on
top of me.

‘Ow,’ I
choke. Jay places a hand either side of me and pulls himself up so he’s looming
over me.

‘My bad,’
he smirks.

Suddenly,
I’m very aware of just how close Jay is. Apparently, Jay has noticed it too.

A thousand
thoughts suddenly flash through my mind, none of them particularly making
sense, as we stare at each other, each one waiting for the other to make the
first move. The world around us seems to pause.

Without
thinking, we both lean in, hesitating when our lips are just centimetres apart.
An odd sensation runs over me, and then suddenly Jay’s lips are on mine.

Well
that’s the doubt from yesterday gone.

Everything
seems to freeze in time for a split second. And then it all speeds up again.

It’s not
like in the movies; there are no fireworks in the background, I don’t feel
dizzy and I don’t get all tingly. Not to say it isn’t a great kiss, it just…
isn’t anything. It feels exactly like it is. Lips on lips.

We both
pull back and stare at each other for a moment before bursting into laughter.

‘That
felt…’

‘Weird,’
he agrees, smirking. I raise an eyebrow.

His smirk
drops when he sees how I may have taken offence to that and a dozen words start
spilling out of his mouth. ‘No, wait. I didn’t mean the kiss wasn’t great…
because it was, I mean… the kissing itself was great-’

‘Get off,’
I snort, a smile on my lips, pushing him away playfully and then moving into a
seated position. We sit in silence for a moment before bursting into laughter
again.

‘Huh, that
felt like kissing my brother,’ Jay muses, tapping his chin. My eyebrows shoot
up again.

‘Are you
saying I kiss like a man now?’

‘No!’ Jay
protests, hanging his head in shame as I get up off the floor. ‘You know what I
mean, Red.’

I do. I’m
not sure what had spurred us into the spontaneous kiss, but as I look at Jay
now, the love I feel for him is more of brotherly affection, nothing lustful.

He’s my
shoulder to lean on and so much more, but thinking back, nothing has ever
sparked or made me feel soft and mushy inside whenever he has held or touched
me. Jay is the world to me, but there are certainly no feelings there.

‘I guess
it wouldn’t work out anyway, you’re already involved with your ego,’ I tease,
relaxing back into the sofa. Jay decides to skip over my comment, still lying
on the ground.

‘Shame, we
could have made a cute couple. Ah, who am I kidding? I would be involved so of
course we would be cute.’ He finally gets up and folds his arms, his lips
quirking up. ‘So, its Blake is it?’

My mouth
drops open and I feel my cheeks flaming up at the accusation. I quickly
rearrange myself and fold my arms.

I haven’t
even thought about Jay and me as having something before that kiss, let alone Blake
and me.

‘What?
Just because I said no to you, you assume I’ll go off with your brother? Who is
older and hotter by the way,’ I reply dryly, trying to de-flame my cheeks.

Jay gives
me an amused look. ‘That hurts. And it was just a question, not my fault you’re
such a big girl about it.’

That earns
him a pillow in the face.

‘Okay!
Okay!’ He laughs when he sees I’m just about ready to launch the TV remote.
‘Are we going to do Biology or just abuse poor Jay some more?’

I quickly
check my phone for the time and decide my brain may explode if I have to do any
more science.

‘Well, as
much fun as throwing things at poor Jeremiah is, I should be getting back. I
think Charlie is cooking and I want to have the fire extinguisher ready.’ I
flash Jay a grin but he just stands there, glowering at me for the use of his
full name.

‘I’ll show
myself out.’ I wink and give him a pat on the back before dashing out of the
attic and hopping down the steps.