Hello Kitty Must Die (8 page)

“What?”

“Yup.”

“You had to pay?”

“Yup.”

My father got up.

“To hell with them then. I’m going to tell Mrs. Kong to go to hell. And to take her cheapskate son with her.”

Go, Daddy.

The boy not paying for my dinner. You get hell for that.

I REALLY SHOULD READ
the news. It’s good to know what’s happening in your own city. If it only weren’t all so depressing. But if you’re meant to hear a piece of news, you’ll hear about it one way or another.

“Bad news. Freddie’s dead. They found his body out behind that restaurant. Someone slit his throat for his wallet,” my father told me later that night.

“Really?”

I suddenly felt giddy. Asshole had it coming. I hoped that the bird-hater was rotting in hell. Maybe Satan’s crows were picking out his eyes right now.

Then I remembered his pet turtle, Fei. I wondered if it would miss Freddie. I wondered who would feed Fei now, change its water, tell it that it was the best little turtle in the world. Maybe Freddie didn’t tell Fei that. That would be one more reason why Freddie should rot in hell.

And then I felt bad. For Fei.

“Yes, Fi. You’re a lucky girl that you were not with him outside.”

“Yeah, guess I was destined to pay for my own food.”

“I never liked his mother anyway. Forget Freddie.”

Done. So done.

“You have another date next Sunday, Fi.”

Hai
, Daddy.

“And Fiona?”

“Yeah?”

“Wear lipstick.”

S
EAN ALWAYS KNEW HOW
to make an appearance.

At St. Sebastian’s, he always waited until the last minute before the bell rang to make a mad dash into homeroom after recess, lunch, class change. Tom Cruise
Risky Business-
style. He’d skid right through the door, straight into Sister Maria’s desk.

“Sorry, Sister. I was finishing up penance. Twenty Hail Marys. Five Our Fathers.”

“You went to Confession at lunch, Sean?”

“Yes, Sister. I felt bad for using the Lord’s name in vain. Because it hurt Jesus.”

Liar.

Sean had been finishing his second cigarette out behind the rectory. I watched him inhale his nicotine lunch. He watched me put away my Kraft American Singles cheese sandwich.

“Cigarettes are expensive, Fi. Gotta savor each one to the end. A cigarette is a terrible thing to waste.”

“Sean, you stole those from your dad.”

“Well, he had to pay good money for them. Besides, I’m doing the old man a favor. I’m saving him from early lung cancer.”

It worked. Sean saved his father from lung cancer. Too bad Sean didn’t drink the old man’s liquor for him too.

Always thinking of others, Sean was.

“
HI, FI. READY FOR
a night out with your old buddy?”

Sean opened the door dressed in nothing but smooth skin and a flamingo pink feather boa looped around his neck. He had asked me to meet him at his apartment on Russian Hill before heading out for an evening of bar hopping with him in the City the weekend following my tragic date with Freddie. When I asked him why, he said, “Because I have something to show you.”

Cobain’s voice floated out from Sean’s apartment. Another thing we had in common. Nirvana on Repeat One.

Come

As you are

As you were

“God, Sean. I think I’m too dressed for where you have in mind. Is this what you wanted to show me?”

I had donned a ruffled black DG top with skinny Chloe jeans and maroon patent leather Dior stilettos. Bar clothes.

“Cool shoes, Fi. Nah, that’s still inside. But I decided to torture you today,” Sean said, fingering his feather boa dangerously.

“How so?”

“By denying you the pleasure of tearing my clothes off.”

“Oh, you sadist. You hurt me so.”

As I want you to be

“So you going to come in or what, Fi? No worries, I’m not going to rape you.”

I rolled my eyes, wondering what Sean’s neighbors thought of him. A hymen restoration surgeon with a penchant for feather boas.

“You put that away! Or I’m gonna call the cops, young man!” an undead version of Estelle Getty in a flower tea dress screamed. She must have been watching from the peephole of her apartment, across from Sean’s. His attire had prompted her to step out into the hall and butt into our lives.

“Go back to your solitaire game, Betty. Or I’ll call the mobile mental health unit and treat you to a night in General’s psych ward,” snapped Sean.

He pulled me into his apartment and slammed the door. I heard Betty gasp.

“She hasn’t seen a naked man in decades, Sean. You could’ve given her a heart attack. Then you would’ve had to do CPR on her.”

“Nah, last rites would be more appropriate for her condition. Too old. So you want some wine, beer, anything, Fi?”

“Water’s good, seeing that we’re planning to go out drinking all night.”

Sean got me a glass of water.

“Ooh, Wedgwood. Nice, Sean. Where did you get that boa?”

“Thank you. Halloween. A few years back. So tell me.
This
... does nothing for you?” Sean started thrusting his naked hips at me, laughing and watching my expression.

“Nice penis. But nope, afraid not.”

As a friend

As a friend

“Then why do you dress like that, Fi?” Sean scrutinized my outfit, zeroing in on my Dior stilettos.

“Because I don’t think they’d let me in if I was wearing a Hefty garbage bag and Kleenex boxes for shoes.”

“Good point. I wouldn’t walk next to you if you were.”

“See? Clothes aren’t just to attract men. That and I can really hurt a man with these heels.” I laughed. “Want me to kick you in the tailpipe with these?”

“Christ, Fi. No thanks. Geez, zero libido. Unbelievable. How else can you say no to
this
?”

“Are you trying to tempt me or something?”

“Duh. Fi, I’m naked and making obscene gestures at you. Hey, just so you know, I may hold my knife and fork like a hymen surgeon, but I can fuck like a tree surgeon.” Sean continued to thrust his hips at me, laughing. Then he finished with some hip circles.

As a known memory

“Save it for the trees then, Sean. Just put some clothes on and let’s go.”

“Suit yourself. Your loss.”

He sauntered off to his bedroom and closed the door behind him. But not before giving himself a hard slap on his behind. He must have suffered a sudden burst of modesty.

I had been half in love with Sean since that day he talked me into clobbering Jeremy. Half in love.

I had been half in fear with Sean since that day he lit Stephanie’s head of fire and walked away without looking back.

Like with Hank’s giant Argentine boa constrictor, George.

Hank used to be our next door neighbor. Sometimes after school, I would go over to watch Hank feed George. When Hank dropped in scurrying white mice, George would stir to life, pulling its massive thick body into movement.

One day, George perked up and looked directly at me, ignoring the mouse that Hank was dangling. It slid its nose against the glass, stared into my eyes, and jerked its head at me twice. There was an instant connection, an interspecies bond. Fascinated, I felt special, lucky, honored to be noticed by the snake. Unique, like Harry Potter.

I fell half in love.

George’s diet included a wide variety of mammals, including birds, larger lizards, ocelots, and eventually Hank. One evening, Hank fell asleep on the couch with the snake tank open. George strangled him. Then it tried to swallow him whole, but Hank was too big around the shoulders. And George refused to let go. So it suffocated.

I fell half in fear.

Hank and George needed that separation of glass and steel to survive in the same space. That protective barrier between the species kept disaster at bay.

Like me and Sean.

Sleeping with him would be like curling up with George. Bad idea.

“And oh, check out my new toy in the other room, Fi.”

Sean poked his head out and jerked it towards the right.

Take your time

Hurry up

The expensive, sleek teak furniture screamed Ethan Allen. Heavy, frosted glass coffee table with black wooden legs. Black leather sofa set. Hip, modern, chic.

But not the black and white photos of defecating zoo animals in glass box frames. Those said Sean. His statement on wall art.

And the large punching bag shaped like a giant baby hanging from the ceiling and anchored to the floor with a metal chain. I punched its swollen belly and it wailed like a cholericly newborn, sounding more and more like a stuck pig.

Sean came out clad in Dolce Gabbana from head to toe, swinging an Armani leather jacket.

“Do you like it?”

“Sean, shut it up! What the hell is that?”

Sean picked up a baseball bat that was leaning against the wall corner. He swung at the bawling baby. Hard. Harder. Until the noise stopped.

“My new toy. It’s very therapeutic. Helps me deal with any aggression I have. You have to hit it until it stops screaming. Like it?”

“Where can I get one? I need one for my office.”

Sean laughed. “Great, isn’t it? A must-have for new parents. Would cut down on instances of child abuse.”

Always thinking of others.

“Come on, Fi. Haven’t got all night.” As if I was the one holding him up.

Don’t be late

Take a rest

As a friend

SEAN AND I WENT TO
the Oak Room at the Clift Hotel. Ritzy bar scene where the people in the paintings on the wall followed you with their eyes. Drinks were fifteen dollars a pop. No sawdust on the floor. Bellinis, Cosmos, Brandy Alexanders clasped by fingers clad in Tiffany and David Yurman rings. Overpriced drinks. Overpriced trinkets.

“See? Kleenex shoes would never have gotten us in here, Sean.”

“No crap, Fi.” Sean removed his Armani leather jacket and hung it carefully on the back of his chair. “What do you want?”

“Bellini. What are you having?”

“Bloody Mary.” Sean grinned and winked at me before heading to the bar.

Sean came back with our drinks. He pulled out the celery stick, sucked it clean, and bit off the end. He took a sip of his Bloody Mary, studying a small group of blondes clustered around the end of the bar.

“Pick one for me, Fi.”

“What are you talking about? This Bellini is awesome by the way. The hives will be worth it.”

“What? What hives?”

“Oh, champagne gives me hives.”

“Then why are drinking that, Fi?”

“Because it’s yummy, Sean. Yuuuummy.”

Sean laughed. Sean nodded at the blondes again. “Pick one for me.”

“What do you mean ‘pick one’?”

“I mean pick one... for me.”

“Oh I see. You are going to hit on a girl and leave me here all by my lonesome. Didn’t know you liked blondes.”

“I don’t. Pick one. One you like the least.” Sean winked.

I studied them, naming them after their drinks. You are what you drink.