Heavy Issues (30 page)

As he cleaned her, he noticed the red marks he’d left on her body from where he’d grabbed her, and he felt a pinch of regret. She deserved better than him. But he was a fucking egotistical asshole and wasn’t going to let go of her. He couldn’t.

He went back to bed, and although asleep, Christy instinctively turned to him. He wrapped his arms around her, and longing spread over his chest, robbing him of breath and swelling his throat shut. She was his. All his, and he wasn’t giving her up.

She had stormed into his life and had filled an emptiness he hadn’t known he had. She made him whole, which was terrifying. He was afraid of losing her, but at the same time he was afraid of these powerful feelings inside him.

Afraid of letting himself feel.

Afraid of letting her in.

Afraid of needing someone to be whole and happy.

But he already needed her to feel whole and happy, so really, what was there left to do? He’d just have to breathe in deep and take it one day at a time. Hold on to this and pray really hard it wouldn’t be taken away.

* * * *

Christy woke up sprawled on top of Cole, his steady heartbeat against her cheek. It was still dark outside. As she lifted her head, his piercing eyes met hers.

“Hi,” she said, feeling suddenly shy.

“Hey, none of that,” he said, lifting her chin when she tried to duck her head. “You and I are past hiding, aren’t we?”

She nodded, and he stared at her forever, his strong hands gently tracing her face.

“Tell me, sweet thing, now that you’re done updating the library, have you given any thought about staying to work in it as a librarian? I frankly don’t see Mrs. Wilkinson managing with the e-readers and the virtual collections.”

Yes, Mrs. Wilkinson had made it plenty clear that wasn't her job. In fact, the old librarian hadn’t even asked Christy if she was staying, but assumed she’d be there on Monday, never mind that Christy had been hired only to reorganize the library. Mrs. Wilkinson had even informed her that in a month Christy would have to attend the state’s library convention in her place.

“I don’t know,” she said. “You know how I feel about traditional books.” Although she had started to see the appeal in them. Cole had been right; there was something about the way a book smelled and felt on your fingers that was special. And the way a kid’s eyes opened in wonder when they went over the tattered pages. Besides, if she was managing the library, she could push for more electronic acquisitions. Teach kids to love their beauty too—a fifth column of sorts.

He stilled, probably misunderstanding her silence. “Or are you going back to your job in LA?”

She shook her head. “I’m on sabbatical. I wouldn’t mind making it permanent and staying in Alden.”

His expression softened, and he kissed her slowly, reverently. As if she were the most precious thing in the world. As if he loved her. “I’d like that, baby. I’d like that a lot,” he said against her lips, an emotion she had no name for shimmering in his eyes.

She trembled against him, her heart bursting with love for this man. That was the first time Cole had asked her about her plans for the future or hinted he wanted one with her.

She brushed a soft kiss on his lips. Then another and another, cupping with her hands his strong jaw.

She loved having him like that, relaxed in her arms, his guard down. Letting her kiss and caress him.

She nuzzled his nose. “Cole?”

“Mm?”

“I want to try something.” Now, if ever, was the moment.

“Does it involve me inside you?” he asked ruefully, pressing his rock-hard erection against her. “Because I’m up for it. Literally.”

“Yes, it does,” she said. “I want to tie you to the bed.”

Cole froze. It was entirely possible he had stopped breathing too.

For long seconds, neither said a word.

“Turnabout’s fair,” she whispered.

“Not in my book it’s not.”

They would have to rewrite that book of his, then. Cole used physical dominance to assert his emotional distance, and while she was more than okay with his need to be in charge in bed, she wouldn’t let him use it to emotionally distance himself from her. They were past all that bullshit now. If she had to let all her barriers down and lie bare at his feet, he had to as well. She couldn’t be alone in this. Cole had to stop holding himself back. It was time for the emotional blockage to go, because she wanted the real Cole, the one he so fiercely guarded, the wounded, vulnerable little boy who was scared of giving himself to someone.

“I thought we were both past hiding, or were you patronizing me? I told you I wanted all of you, and I meant it, Cole. I don’t want to be a toy in this relationship. I want to be a true partner.”

His eyes flashed with anger. “I’ve never treated you like a toy. Ever,” he countered in a dangerously low voice.

“No, you haven’t,” she conceded, contrite. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I just want us to be on equal footing.” They’d never been on equal footing. Both naked, both exposed.

“And how’s equal footing having me tied to the bed?”

“Let’s just call it evening out the odds a bit. You have, after all, around one hundred pounds on me.”

Her silly attempt to joke didn’t work. His face was inscrutable.

She brushed his cheek. “You can trust me, Cole. Really trust me.” And not only with his body, but with his heart too. She wouldn’t hurt him. She’d die before hurting him. “Let me make love to you. No barriers. No masks.”

He propped himself up on his elbows and locked eyes with hers. His pulse was throbbing in his temple, and his jaw was locked. For a while he said nothing.

“What do you plan to tie me with?”

Hope roared inside her. “I presume handcuffs are out of the question, right?”

“Handcuffs? Sweetheart, believe me, not going to happen.”

“I figured that much. I think I have the silk restraints I bought at the pleasure party still in my bag.”

His frown deepened. “What else did you buy at that damn party? Because next time we’re going together,” he stated, his gaze following her as she went for her bag. Yes, there they were, where she’d forgotten them. She came back and stood in front of him, waiting for his next move.

He went on his back and fatalistically raised his arms over his head.

Wow, this was going to happen. She couldn’t believe it.

She fumbled her way through tying him. She should have taken the course that the pleasure consultant suggested, the one about safe knots. At that moment it had seemed totally unnecessary, because not even in her wildest dream would she have imagined Cole consenting to this. But now, well, now she had him all for herself, and her knots seemed flimsy at best.

“Hey,” she complained as he lifted his mouth to her nipple and sucked.

“What? I’m behaving, babe. I’m letting you tie me up, but you just put your tits right in front of my face. What am I supposed to do?”

“You are supposed to relax and let me love you.”

“You don’t need to tie me for that. I assure you I won’t run away.”

“No, you won’t run away,” she retorted. “You will just take over, hold me down, make me crazy with need, and shift all the attention to me and my pleasure while you detach.”

“Detach? Are you fucking kidding me? I haven’t been able to detach since that first kiss in the library’s basement.”

She snorted. “Sure.”

Once she had Cole tied, she ran her hands over his bulging arms, then his face, kissing every inch of his grim expression.

“You look like you’re facing a firing squad. Come on, I’m not that scary, am I?” she asked with a smile as she moved to caress the sides of his neck.

“Yes, you are, baby. You take me to pieces.”

She splayed her hands over his chest, loving the feel of his rock-hard muscles rippling under his warm skin. Catching on the way his heart was kicking double time.

She nuzzled his chest, inhaling him deep, and brushed her mouth over his nipples, enjoying how he threw his head back and let out a guttural sound, the cords at the sides of his throat standing out. She smiled, loving how she could affect him. It made her feel powerful.

She hadn’t touched him like this before, with her calling all the shots and him not taking over. Not that she didn’t like giving the power to him, because she did—it got her off too—but this, having him tied to the bed and at her mercy, hers to kiss and nip and taste at her leisure, was a fantasy come true. As if he really trusted her not to hurt him.

“I take you to pieces because my hands aren’t restrained? Because I’m freely touching you?”

“Sweetheart, believe it or not, I long ago realized restraining your hands won’t do squat, because you use more than your hands to touch me. You look at me, and you slice through me deeper than anyone ever has.”

She glided down, the muscles on his arms and chest tensing as she flicked her tongue over his abs. When she finally reached his groin and placed a kiss on the top of his painfully hard-looking shaft, sweeping with her tongue the drops of precum on the top, he shot his hips upward, pulling at the restraints.

“More?”

He let out a choked snort. “What do you think, sweetheart?”

“I think you’re trying to call the shots,” she said admonishingly, brushing her thumb over his slit and looking warily at the brittle knots.

“And I think you’re being a tease,” he said, lifting his hips to her again. “Take me in. Now.”

Yes, he wasn’t much of an obedient boy toy. But she didn’t want to tease him, so she bent over him and took him in, lavishing his cock with attention, licking and sucking it until Cole was trembling and she was so turned on her lube was running down her inner thighs.

She rose on her knees and moved upward, aligning her core with his dick. With one hand she held the throbbing length to her, and with the fingers of the other she opened her folds, swirling over his head, bathing him in her juices. She stopped a second, taking the sight of him in. All his muscles were straining, and he was sweating, his lips set in a tight line, his eyes blazing with need and longing.

Their gazes remained locked as Christy slowly lowered herself over him until she sat fully on him, his groin teasing her swollen folds.

She didn’t want to ride him like this, all this distance between them. She wanted as much skin-to-skin contact as possible. So she lay over him, chest to chest, face to face, and stared into his eyes.

He lifted his face to hers, his expression awed and vulnerable. “Kiss me, sweet thing. Give me your mouth.”

She kissed him tenderly and trailed her fingertips over his arms all the way to his wrists and then to his hands, where their fingers ended up intertwined. She moved languidly, reveling in his shudders.

“You are safe with me.”

It took him a long second to answer. “Am I?”

She nodded.

Throat quivering, she made slow love to him, losing herself in the forest green of his eyes, in the love and hunger she saw there. In the vulnerability too. He’d never opened up to her like this. Letting her see inside him, no shields, no walls. No power games.

She would have wanted this to last forever, but despite how much she wanted to stop time, her orgasm was already gathering and they were racing to the end.

“I love you, Cole,” she whispered, her gaze never wavering from his. She hadn’t meant to say anything, but she couldn’t keep it inside any longer.

“Baby—”

With a yank he tore free from the restraints and rolled them over, pressing her back against the mattress. Yep, next time she was taking the pleasure party’s course on tying knots.

He didn’t say a word, just pounded into her with unstoppable force, his face hidden on the pillow. He hugged her tighter, and burying himself deep inside her, he broke into shudders and began coming, which sent her careening into orgasm.

It took her a while to recover. By then he had rolled onto his side and taken her with him, keeping her wrapped tight in his arms, his chin over her head. In spite of his explosive release, his body was still hard with tension, his heart rate not slowing down but speeding up.

Several minutes passed by. “Christy?” he asked without moving.

Everything in her froze.

“Yes?” She could barely breathe.

“Ah…nothing.” He faltered, his voice sounding hoarse. “Sleep, baby.”

He reached over for the quilt and covered them both.

He was going to ignore her words.

Her throat clutched up, and her eyes stung. She felt hurt and rejected, but she fought those feelings. She was in a relationship with someone who wasn’t the most emotionally available man in the world. She’d known that, no big deal.

She thought she wouldn’t be able to fall asleep, but she was wrong, for exhaustion claimed her almost right away.

Light was pricking Cole’s eyes. Still half-asleep, he reached for Christy and came up empty. She wasn’t in bed. Disoriented and a bit groggy, he opened his eyes and squinted. The sun had risen long ago. He’d overslept, which was totally unheard of for a guy who always woke at the crack of dawn, most times without the aid of an alarm clock.

He took a fast shower and, without bothering much with drying, wrapped a towel around his hips and strode to the living room.

“Christy?”

Silence.

As he poked his head into the kitchen, he realized there was a note by the coffeemaker.

Gone to get your disgusting double grind coffee thingy you like so much from the diner. Back in 5. Don’t start breakfast without me. Love, Christy.

There was a scrambled
L
before the word
love
, as if she’d begun writing the word, then rethought it and crossed it out. Then she’d changed her mind again and finally written it. He smiled, his gaze lingering on that word. In spite of all Christy’s hang-ups, expressing affection wasn’t one of them. She had no trouble throwing those kinds of bombs. Unlike him. As an adult he hadn’t said those words to anybody. He broke into cold sweats at the mere thought of it; the possibility of leaving himself so open terrified him. One thing he was certain about, though: he did love her, with all his heart—irrevocably. He was just too chickenshit to come out and say it.