Heaven's Harlots: My Fifteen Years in a Sex Cult (46 page)

As for the accusations of anti-Semitism in the Family, I really thought it was more a question of strict Christian identity, and since there were so many Jews in the Family, I did not believe it possible that we could be anti-Semitic. I know that I never was, and I often witnessed to Jews. However, in order to confirm my feelings, I called a former member who was Jewish and who had lived with Mo from the very beginning of the group’s history. He believes that being Jewish gave one “extra clout” in the Family, and he remembers sitting around the television watching reruns with Mo and the first disciples and cheering on the Israelis during the Six Day War in 1967 He emphasized that Mo often claimed to be part Jewish and envisioned living in Israel to help establish God’s Kingdom on earth. In addition, he contends that Jews in the Family always had a bit higher status, being considered God’s original elite. They were sort of the elite of the elite.

There remain many issues for me to resolve, and new issues continue to emerge periodically, and by no means have I reached the end of my journey. I am still dealing with having lived fifteen years of my life in an oppressively fanatical religious environment dictated by a sexually obsessed megalomaniac, followed by four years of floating in a fundamentalist purgatory. However, I don’t believe Moses David could have had any power over my actions, my mind, or my body, had I not previously been indoctrinated by the church to believe that the greatest goal in life was to serve God, and had I not been taught by my culture that men have been ordained the figures of authority, epitomized by the fact that “God” is always represented as a man or at least as the male principle. So many of us, especially the selfsacrificial, the idealists, and the altruists, are conditioned to let someone else take control of our lives. I am only beginning to establish my boundaries and to sink my roots deep into the ground to take in the nourishment I need.

Some people will protest that because I had Jesus in my heart ever since I was a child, and because my devoutly Christian mother continued to pray for me, it was the Christian faith that protected me and helped me to survive all along. I really cannot deny that, however, the infinite universe I have found inside me is not in the doctrine I was taught by my church. There is Jesus and more, and I think that He would agree with me. Yes, during what I perceived as a demonic attack in Italy, my faith in the name of Jesus helped to keep the demons at bay, but it was the subsequent realization of the strength within myself that caused them forever to vanish. I don’t doubt that there are multitudes of Christians who have found truth, meaning, love, God, and whatever answers they need in their religion. What I have discovered is that all dogma is too small to hold even one universal truth that my soul and my self reveal. Since America is basically a “Christian” country, I supplicate all well-meaning religionists to consider Matthew 22, 37-39 before judging my life and conclusions, “Love God, love they neighbor, love thyself.” I have spent half a lifetime loving God and loving my neighbor—I will now learn to love also myself!

I wish I could provide the answer that all the hurt adults and suffering children who have passed through this and other cults need to hear. But as trite as this might sound, the only truth I have discovered that has helped me is that the answers lie within yourself.

Peter Townshend wrote,“There is no blood like the blood that flows within one’s own body, and no dreams like those that spark from one’s own mind.” There is also no truth for yourself like the one that dwells within your own heart. Find your soul and love your self.

the end.