Heaven to Wudang (29 page)

I told him how you got AIDS
, Martin said silently.
He's been down here since.

Martin raised one hand and a pair of ordinary white PVC outdoor chairs appeared, one on either side of Leo. I sat on Leo's left; Martin sat on his right.

Does Martin think I should talk to Leo about the AIDS?
I asked the stone, then remembered that it was gone. It was supposed to be indestructible, but what Prince Six had done with stones was very disturbing, and he'd obviously passed the knowledge on to Kitty Kwok. The more I remembered of the stone's irritating ways, the more I missed it.

I didn't bother asking the question out loud. We sat silently for a while, watching the bioluminescence of the fish smear and shimmer as they played under the surface of the water. Eventually, I took Leo's hand and held it. Leo raised my hand and kissed it without looking away from the water, then dropped it back into his lap and held it with both hands. Martin leaned his head on Leo's shoulder. We stayed there watching the fish for a very long time.

 

We woke John at 2pm, and he came out of the water and retook human form. We went together up to the Imperial Residence to try to find something suitable to wear for the audience with the Jade Emperor.

‘I'll just take full Celestial Form when we're at the Celestial Palace,' John said, eyeing my closet in my servants' quarters. ‘You, on the other hand, have to dress up human.' He turned to me, his dark eyes full of amusement. ‘Does Qing dynasty work on you?'

‘Nothing works on me. I usually just wear a warrior's Tang robe with my armour over the top, like I did at Court Ten.'

‘No need for me to summon the outfit for you if it's here already.' He sat on the bed. ‘Is it back from the Northern Heavens?'

I pulled the robe and armour out of the closet and showed them to him. The robe particularly was starting to wear around the edges from being worn to so many official functions.

‘That robe needs replacing,' he said. ‘The armour needs upgrading, with more platinum and something more suitable etched onto the breastplate. That really is much too plain for someone of your station.'

‘Your armour's plain,' I said.

‘Only the battle suit; the full Celestial armour is much more decorative. I haven't summoned the dress armour in a very long time. I think the last time I wore it was when I told the Jade Emperor to go to hell.' His voice became wistful. ‘It's in my apartments in the Celestial Palace, gathering dust.'

I pulled my T-shirt over my head and slipped my jeans off, leaving them on the floor.

‘Oh, yes. Even better in daylight,' he said. ‘You're still in terrific shape; it's very good to see. But make sure you have some demons move all of this stuff up into the main house. You shouldn't be down here in the servants' quarters.'

I wrapped the robe around me, pulled the armour over my head, and moved closer to him so he could help me with the straps and buckles. ‘I've never seen the quarters in the Celestial Palace.'

‘I hate to think what state they're in. I hope the staff have at least been oiling the weapons; it would be painful to return to a rusty set.' He pulled the final strap tight. ‘There you go.'

I went into the bathroom to stand in front of the mirror, pulled my hair up into a bun and shoved an ebony spike into it. I tidied the remaining wisps of hair with bobby pins, and turned so that he could see me. ‘How's that?'

He wasn't paying attention, and I waited for him.

He snapped back. ‘Sorry, Simone's ready. We'll meet outside, in front of the house, and travel to the Celestial Palace together.' He unfocused again. ‘Everybody is waiting for us there, and apparently most of the residents of the Celestial are in the Grand Audience Hall already.'

‘Charming,' I said, and turned to go with him.

 

When we arrived at the main gates of the Celestial Palace, John raised one hand and the twenty-metre-high doors swung open. We stepped through, me on his right and Simone on his left, and they closed behind us.

The main square of the Palace, with the stream running through the middle, was deserted. There weren't even any fish or dragons playing in the water.

‘Change here,' John said, and he and Simone shifted into full Celestial Form.

John was three metres tall, with dark skin and a thin black beard. His hair was a wild, unbound tangle that spread around him down to his waist. His black armour was edged in silver filigree and carved and filled with silver abstract turtle motifs. He wore his name — ‘Xuan Wu' — on a shoulder bracer. The Seven Stars of the Big Dipper adorned his breastplate.

Simone matched his majesty: she was more than two metres tall, with her blue-black robes floating around her and her immensely long honey-coloured hair drifting on a Celestial breeze that wasn't there. Her robe was dotted with pinpointed stars, and her gold belt was embossed with black serpents.

John turned to see her, hooked his thumbs into his belt, and his face creased into a smile. ‘Very impressive, Simone.'

She bowed slightly to him. ‘Thank you, Father.'

‘Not scared of me any more?'

She quickly hugged him and leaned up to kiss him on the cheek. He had to bend down so that she could reach
him. ‘I don't think you're scary any more. I think you're just my silly old dad.'

He put his hands on her shoulders and smiled into her eyes. ‘That is exactly right.' He smiled at me over her shoulder. ‘Ready, Emma?'

‘Feeling thoroughly unimpressive next to you two, but ready as I'll ever be,' I said. ‘Just take care you two giants don't tread on me.'

‘Wouldn't dream of it,' John said. ‘Grand Audience Hall of the Majestic Celestial Eminence.' He took a step forward and disappeared.

Simone and I followed. We arrived at the bottom of the ramp up to the hall doors. The Door Gods, Jade, and Gold were waiting for us at the doorway. Jade and Gold were in their Celestial Retainer forms, both of them close on Simone's height. Gold was in tan robes, with long white hair streaked with gold; Jade wore a brilliant green robe embroidered with golden chrysanthemums, and her dark green hair reached down to her knees.

John strode up and slapped the Door Gods on the back. ‘Qin. Wei. Good to see you, gentlemen. We must catch up.'

‘Have your people contact our people and we'll do lunch,' Qin said, and winked at me. ‘That's the correct Hollywood phraseology, isn't it?'

‘Absolutely,' I said.

Er Lang walked around the corner of the building and approached us, with his dog in the form of a black Doberman at his heels. He saluted around to the three of us, and we returned it.

‘The Celestial requests a formal handover ceremony,' he said. ‘General Donahoe is to take her place at his right hand with her ruyi —'

‘I don't have it!'

‘I'll get it for you,' Simone said. ‘Where is it?'

‘Ask Yi Hao.'

‘Emma, to the Celestial's right hand; me, on the left,' Er Lang continued. ‘Ah Wu, you and the Princess up the centre of the main hall to the dais, where the Dark Lady and you will salute each other to officiate the handover. Then the Dark Lord takes the Celestial's right hand, and the Dark Lady and Princess abase themselves, then move to their positions at the front with their Retainers. Is that suitable?'

‘We can,' John said. He glanced around at us. ‘All ready?'

My ruyi appeared in Simone's hand. She passed it to me.

‘Emma, come with me around the back. We'll take our places behind the Jade Emperor,' Er Lang said. ‘When we're in position, I'll signal for Xuan Tian and Simone to enter.'

‘Gotcha,' I said. I grinned up at John; my eyes were level with his wide black belt. ‘Can't wait to offload this back onto you.'

‘Oh, thank you very much,' he said, glaring down at me.

‘The Celestial says for us to move our asses,' Er Lang said.

‘Whoops, sorry,' I said, and followed him around the outside of the building to the back entrance.

‘You'll need your weapon,' he said before we entered. ‘You can't summon a weapon inside.'

I put my hand out and summoned the Murasame. I pulled out its telescoping strap and clipped it diagonally to my back. I nodded to Er Lang.

He shook out his shoulders and led me into the rear of the hall. The dais was in the middle, and a clear path led from the rear door to it. Screens sheltered us from the crowd waiting on the other side. We walked to the back of the dais and up the stairs. The Jade Emperor
was already present on the throne, and the hall was full of Immortals and Shen, many in True Form, all of them silent. To the left, dressed in black, were the Mountain staff in their uniforms.

Er Lang and I both knelt and saluted the Jade Emperor as warriors. He nodded back, and we took our positions behind him: me on the right and Er Lang on the left. I held my black jade ruyi in the crook of my left arm.

The Jade Emperor appeared to be concentrating for a moment. Images filled my head, like a video on fast-forward. My life scrolled across my eyes. The feeling stopped and I staggered slightly, then righted myself. The Jade Emperor turned his head slightly to nod to me. I straightened and nodded back, hoping that was enough to show my appreciation for what he'd done.

The Jade Emperor turned his attention back to the hall and nodded, and the Door Gods walked into the hall, one on either side of the massive doors.

‘Xuan Tian Shang Di has returned,' General Qin said, his voice echoing through the hall.

‘He brings his only human daughter, Princess Xuan Si Min,' General Wei said.

John and Simone strode in side by side, and stopped just inside the doors. Jade and Gold were behind them, heads lowered. John caught my eye and smiled, then his face filled with horror. ‘Oh shit, I forgot my sword,' he said, loudly enough for everybody to hear, and dashed out again.

The hall echoed with laughter.

‘Any chance of you staying on as First, Lady Emma?' the Jade Emperor said without looking at me. ‘At least you remembered your weapon.'

‘Actually, I didn't, Majesty,' I said, without looking away from the crowd. ‘Er Lang had to remind me.'

‘And before you ask: no, I do not wish to be
promoted,' Er Lang said. ‘Ah Wu can have the job. He deserves it.'

John strode back into the hall, his face composed into a fierce mask. He stopped next to Simone, nodded without looking at her, and the two of them walked down the brilliant yellow carpet through the middle of the crowd of Shen. They stopped at the base of the dais, and both fell to one knee to salute.

‘I am Xuan Tian Shang Di, Emperor of the Dark Northern Heavens,' John said, his voice boosted by his size so that it resonated through the hall. ‘I have returned to take up my duties as the Celestial directs.'

Simone wasn't senior enough to use first person. ‘This small daughter of a Shen greets the Celestial Majesty, and presents herself as first human child of the Xuan Wu.'

The Jade Emperor rose with a rustle of gold silk. He hadn't taken any impressive Celestial Form; he appeared to be an ordinary, slim, elderly gentleman, slightly shorter than me. He raised one hand towards John and Simone.

‘Welcome on your return, Dark Lord. Greetings, Princess. You may rise.' He turned to me and nodded. ‘You have served me well in the capacity of First, Lady Emma. I now request that you stand down and allow the Dark Lord to return to his duties.'

‘With pleasure, Celestial Majesty,' I said. I walked down the stairs to the base of the dais, then turned and saluted him on one knee as a warrior. ‘I relinquish my position as First; and trust my services have been satisfactory.' I rose and saluted John, then moved off the carpet to stand at the front of the crowd.

John strode up the steps and stood in front of the Jade Emperor. He pulled Seven Stars out of its scabbard, fell to one knee and rested the sword point-down on the dais. He was so huge that, even kneeling, his head was level with the Emperor's.

‘I, Xuan Tian Shang Di, Dark Lord of the Northern Heavens, Celestial Minister of Jade Emptiness, Master of the Glorious Teachings of Primeval Chaos and the Nine Heavens, vow to serve the Celestial and protect both the Heavens and the Earthly from any that would disturb the order of your realm.'

‘Take your place as First, Xuan Wu,' the Jade Emperor said.

My mobile phone went off loudly. Unfortunately, I'd thought it cute to set the klaxons from the game show
QI
— loud sirens and ringing bells — as the ring tone. I fumbled through my armour, looking for the pocket in my robe where I'd stowed the phone last time I'd worn it, and couldn't find it.

‘Help!' I hissed softly, to the amusement of those around me.

Gold held one hand out towards me and the phone went silent.

‘Never in all my reign have I seen a pair so perfectly matched,' the Jade Emperor said. ‘You are as disruptive, chaotic and disrespectful as each other.' He gestured to the right side of the dais. ‘Take your place, Lord Xuan, and welcome home.'

John moved to stand behind the Jade Emperor at his right. He spared a second to glare down at me, and I shrugged in return, then touched the hilt of the Murasame at my back. He shook his head, smiled slightly, and looked back at the crowd.

‘I summon the Northern Heavens to meet with me in my private apartments,' the Jade Emperor said. ‘This matter is concluded.'

He turned and left from the back of the dais, with John and Er Lang following.

Gold, Jade and Simone came to me, and the rest of the crowd began to mill around and discuss proceedings.

‘I swear I didn't know the phone was there,' I said, then froze as the summons hit me. I looked around. Nobody else had noticed.

‘I've been summoned to the Jade Emperor,' I said.

‘Do you know where you have to go, ma'am?' Jade said.