Heaven Right Here (18 page)

Authors: Lutishia Lovely

Tags: #Literature & Fiction, #Literary, #United States, #African American, #Christian, #Women's Fiction, #Contemporary Fiction, #Literary Fiction

BOOK: Heaven Right Here

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Guys and God

It had been a while since Stacy had gone to the early morning service, but on this slightly cool December Sunday, she was one of the first to arrive. In her heart she knew that the change to live for God had come before she’d felt the lump, but she had to admit her fear of having cancer definitely made her all the more determined. She turned the corner to the nursery and was surprised to see Vivian coming down the hall.

“Good morning, Stacy. You’re here early.”

“Good morning, Sistah Viv,” Stacy responded.

“Is everything okay?” Vivian asked.

Stacy hadn’t meant to share anything with her first lady, but before she could form a yes with her mouth, tears threatened.

“Get Darius settled and then come in my office,” Vivian said.

“It’s okay, Sistah Viv. I’m okay.”

“Did that sound like a question, Stacy Gray? Now, don’t make me come look for you if you’re not down there in five minutes!”

Stacy managed a weak smile with her okay.

A half hour later, Stacy entered the sanctuary feeling grateful that she’d bumped into Vivian. The first lady had helped to calm her fears and then prayed with her. Stacy informed Vivian that she wanted to get more involved in the ministry. They discussed her rejoining the choir, helping with the Sanctity of Sisterhood seminars, or participating in an area of the worship arts. When Pastor Derrick spoke on the fruitfulness of forgiveness, Stacy knew God was talking to her and vowed to do one more thing before leaving church.

Hope walked over to her pew as soon as church was over. “Hey, girl. I called you this morning. Wanted to invite you out to eat after service.”

“Over at the Montgomerys’?”

“No, Cy and I have been wanting to try this new soul-food restaurant. The menu is completely vegetarian, but people swear it tastes like real meat.”

“Yeah, the only people who think soy taste like meat are vegetarians who haven’t eaten meat in years.”

Hope laughed. “So you want to come?”

Stacy looked up and saw Darius walking toward the side door that led to the executive offices. “Hold up. I need to do something.”

Hope looked in the direction Stacy had fled. She fought the urge to roll her eyes.
Girl, when are you going to stop chasing after Darius?

Vivian walked up. “Hope, can you come back to the office for a moment? There’s something I need to discuss right quick.”

Hope reached for her phone. “Let me tell Cy where I’m at.”

“No need to. He’s already back there with Derrick. Come on.”

Instead of going to Derrick’s office, Vivian walked into her smaller one just down the hall. Hope quickly texted Cy that she was in the suite and then sat back to hear what was on Vivian’s mind.

She didn’t have to wait long. “I’m afraid I made a hasty decision I now need to retract,” Vivian said as she sat down next to Hope. “It’s the dance troupe. We’re moving too fast. The girls need to be taught before they perform. They need to understand the difference between dancing for guys and dancing for God.”

Just outside the executive office entrance, another type of understanding was taking place.

“Just what exactly are you saying, Stacy?”

“I am saying you don’t have to continue the lawsuit. I won’t fight you anymore in spending time with your son. And I won’t come between him and his inevitable relationship with your—with Bo. He’s your child, and he needs to be in your life. He needs to know his father, and I need to get out of the way of your relationship.”

Darius raised his brows with a skeptical look. “What brought on this change of heart?”

“A lot of things. But mostly that what I was doing wasn’t right.” Stacy looked directly into Darius’s eyes, her own shining with sincerity. “I had my priorities all out of order. But I’m changing that. I’ve been waiting on God for things to get better, and He’s been waiting on me. And I’m sorry, Darius, for everything.”

“I accept your apology, Stacy. And of course I’m ecstatic to know I can have a relationship with my son without all the drama. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, you know, to be able to have a civil relationship and help raise our son.”

“Well, from now on, you’ll have that.” Stacy turned to go before tears threatened to fall.

“Wait a minute, Stacy. Is there more to this story? It’s like you . . . Are you okay?”

Why does everyone keep asking me that? Do I look like I have cancer?
Stacy chose attitude over fear. “Why? Don’t I look okay?”

“Sure, it’s just that . . . Never mind. Is Little Man in the nursery?”

Stacy nodded.

“Okay. I’ll see you on Tuesday.”

Stacy left the sanctuary and headed for the parking lot. She wasn’t in the mood for food or company. Try as she might, she couldn’t stop thinking about the test results and what would happen if the biopsy was malignant. Would they have to do a mastectomy? And what if it had spread to the other breast or other parts of her body? A cancer diagnosis was serious. People died.

After she’d driven a while, she had second thoughts. Maybe being by herself was the last thing she needed. There was too much time to think. She needed somebody to take her mind off her troubles, and she instantly knew who to call.

“Y’all heifahs about to feel my wrath,” Frieda said upon answering.

“What?”

“What?” Frieda mimicked. “You cows forget about our weekly powwow? I couldn’t catch you or Hope yesterday!”

“Oh, what’s the matter, Shabach back in Atlanta? ’Cause that’s the only reason you’d be trying to have lunch with your friends.”

“Forget you, heifah.”

“You know I’m right.”

“Damn skippy, and I won’t even lie about that. And to be honest, I’m glad he’s gone.”

“Why, what happened?”

“He’s about to turn a sistah out. He eats the va-jay-jay like it’s his last meal.”

“You’re so silly.”

“I ain’t lying! Before he left, he sucked my nub so hard it swelled up like a grape. I had to walk gaplegged for two days!”

Stacy burst out laughing. “Girl, you know you’re a fool!”

“And that’s why you love my crazy ass. Now meet me over at Aunt Kizzy’s. Now
I’m
in the mood to suck on something—like a rib!”

Stacy laughed again as she headed down Slauson Avenue to the 90 freeway. She did love Stacy’s crazy butt. Not just because she’d put a smile on her face, but because she had sense enough to know the terms
vegetarian
and
soul food
didn’t belong in the same sentence!

Don’t Get Played

Stacy walked over to the mirror where Hope was holding a black silk mini up to her body.

“That’s cute.”

“It is, huh? I think I’ll try it on.”

Stacy continued browsing while Hope went into the dressing room. Stacy didn’t know what she’d be doing for the holidays, but whatever it was, she wanted to look good. She casually reached into her purse when her cell phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Stacy Gray, please.”

“This is Stacy.”

“Stacy, this is Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. We’re calling because your test results are in. Could you come in this afternoon?”

The results are back already?
Stacy’s heartbeat raced. “Can’t you just tell me over the phone?”

“No, ma’am. You’ll need to come in. Will three o’clock be okay?”

Stacy agreed and hung up. She was too stunned to think. Why had the tests come back so fast? And why did she need to go in to get the results? This did not sound good, and that was what she told Hope when Hope twirled out of the dressing room.

“Don’t go assuming the worst,” Hope said. “They rarely deliver any kind of news over the phone anymore. Continue to believe and remember God answers prayer.” Hope looked at her watch. It was a little before two o’clock. “Wait for me while I change.”

“I think I need to head on over there.”

“Not by yourself you don’t. Just wait until I get changed. I’m going with you. We’ll come back for your car later.”

Forty-five minutes later, Hope and Stacy sat in the hospital waiting room. Conversation had been limited on the drive over, and now that they were at the hospital, it had ceased entirely. Both women busied themselves by turning magazine pages neither was reading. Hope prayed silently, Stacy too.

At barely five minutes past three, Stacy’s name was called. She stopped and looked at Hope briefly before following the nurse behind the door. As she walked into the office, she tried to gauge the results by the nurse’s actions. It was the one who’d been there when she’d had the biopsy, but she didn’t seem to be as open and friendly this time.
Didn’t she talk more the last time I was here? And why won’t she look me in the eye?

“Do you know my results?”

The nurse gave Stacy a small smile. “The doctor will be in shortly. He’ll explain everything.” And then she left.

When the door opened about five minutes later, Stacy looked up into the kindest eyes she’d ever seen. The doctor was younger than she’d imagined he’d be, and he was Black, which also surprised her. His smile was warm and genuine as he stretched out his hand.

“Hello, Ms. Gray, I’m Dr. Livingston.”

“Hello.”

He sat down and opened her chart. “How are you today?”

“I’m okay. Just anxious to hear the results, that’s all.”

“I totally understand,” he said in a voice like syrup—soft and warm.

Stacy’s eyes went from his bespectacled brown eyes to his tapered nose, which was lightly sprinkled with freckles. His light-skinned complexion had a red tint, and his curly hair was naturally brown. His look was more nerd than handsome, but his calm bedside manner was reassuring.

“Ms. Gray, we’re very glad you took it upon yourself to come in and that you had been performing self-examinations regularly. Most people run into trouble because they come in too late.”

The door opened and the nurse returned to the room. Dr. Livingston continued. “Malignant cells were found in the tissue samples you submitted, but we’re confident . . .”

Stacy heard nothing past the word
malignant
. Why in the hell did he keep talking? She knew what that meant. She had cancer!

“I have cancer?” she interrupted. “Oh, my God, do I have cancer?”

“Please, Ms. Gray, try to stay calm. Because you came in when you did, we see you making a full and complete recovery.”

“Recovering from what?” Stacy was becoming more upset. “Am I going to lose my breast?”

“Please, Ms. Gray, this is understandably upsetting, but I assure you, you will be fine.”

“Excuse me, doctor, but she came with a friend.” The nurse turned to Stacy. “Would you like for your friend to come in here for support?”

Stacy nodded.

Hope’s prayers faltered as she followed the nurse through the hallway to where Stacy was. If they were calling her to come back, she thought, it couldn’t be good. This thought was confirmed as she stepped into the room.

“. . . and so with this procedure, you’re home the same day. Recovery is normally rapid, and, most importantly, based on your concerns, the breast remains largely intact.” The doctor turned to Hope. “Hello, you must be Hope.”

Hope stepped forward to shake his hand. “Yes.”

“Well, that’s quite an appropriate name for your friend, Ms. Gray. I’m Dr. Livingston.”

They were at the hospital another half hour as the doctor answered more of Stacy’s questions and paperwork was done, scheduling her surgery for a week from today. The doctor wanted to get in and get the cancerous tissues removed as soon as possible. Stacy didn’t want a delay either; the quicker she had the surgery, the quicker this nightmare could be over.

“How are you doing?” Hope asked again as they drove into the mall parking lot. “You sure you don’t want to spend the night at my place and pick up your car tomorrow?”

“Thanks, Hope, but no, I think I’m all right. I’m going to go by my mother’s, and then I really need to be with my son tonight.”

“I understand,” Hope said, but she really didn’t. She only wished she knew what it was like to be comforted by your child. “Well, if you need anything, call me.”

Stacy called Darius on her way to her mother’s and told him she’d pick up little D on her way home. The normally reserved Mrs. Gray offered sympathy and compassion and assured her little girl that everything would be all right. At her mother’s insistence, the two brothers who were in town came over and lent their support. They made her feel so special. She knew if either one of them could have, they would have taken the cancer themselves, as well as the radiation treatments Dr. Livingston had said would follow the surgery. She floated on their cloud of love as she left her mother’s and picked up her son.

She didn’t tell Darius Sr. After she left, she wondered why she wouldn’t tell the father of her child what was going on. She really didn’t know.
Maybe,
she thought,
I don’t want his pity. Maybe I don’t want him to know I’m suffering. I always want him to see me as the perfect woman.

But little Darius and his unconditional love gave her the balm she needed. When she got home, she fed and bathed him and put him to bed. It was as though he knew something was wrong, because he kept cooing, saying “Mama” and smiling. She stared into his little chocolate eyes, and at one point she could have sworn she could
feel
the love flowing from his heart to hers. And, tucking him in, she knew she’d live. There was no way God would give her little Darius and then take her away from him.

Stacy went to bed but was too keyed up to sleep. She looked through her DVD collection and then remembered a book she’d recently purchased by a new author, Zuri Day. It was called
Lies Lovers Tell,
and it sounded like just the type of escapist reading she needed to forget her own troubles by delving into someone else’s. She fixed a cup of hot chocolate, fluffed up her pillows, and had just begun reading the first chapter when her cell phone rang.

Stacy looked at the number and almost didn’t answer. But then, on second thought, she punched the TALK button. “Yeah, Tony, what do you want?”

“Dang, girl. What kind of greeting is that?”

“An honest one. What’s up?”

“Wow. Can’t a brothah call just to check on a friend?”

“I guess so,” Stacy replied without enthusiasm. She regretted that she’d changed her mind and answered the phone.

“Well, it’s obvious you don’t feel like talking,” Tony said. “I just thought I saw you at the hospital today and called to see if you were okay.”

“Yeah, I’m all right.”

“So that was you at the hospital?”

“Yeah.”

“But you’re okay.”

“Yeah.”

“You might be, Stacy, but you sure don’t sound like it. I guess you don’t want to talk about it, though, so . . . I’ll hollah later.”

“Wait a minute, Tony. Don’t hang up.” Stacy took a deep breath and continued. “You’re right. I’m not okay. I found a lump in my breast a couple weeks ago and got the results today. I have can”—
No! Don’t claim it!
—“the tissue was malignant.”

“Stacy, I’m really sorry to hear that.”

“Me too.”

There was a moment of silence, and then Tony spoke again. “Who’s there with you?”

“My son.”

“Who else? I mean, who’s there to comfort you?”

“God is my comfort and my refuge. His unconditional love shines through in the love of my son.”

“Wow, that’s beautiful, Stacy. You’re a strong woman. And I didn’t mean to imply otherwise, I just know at times like this it’s nice to have someone around.”

“How would you know?”

“Because cancer is how I almost lost my mom. So I can tell you from personal experience to be encouraged. With God, you will get through this. My mother kept telling me that while she was going through her illness, and there were times I thought we’d lost her. But she kept telling me the earth had no sorrow that heaven couldn’t heal.”

“Hmmm. Did she go through radiation and chemotherapy?”

“Yes.”

“Was it hard?”

“She never complained, but it couldn’t have been easy. But if I were you, I’d try not to focus too much on the negative aspects of your situation. What happens for one person might be different for another. Try to keep positive; that’s what I’d do.”

“Tony Johnson, when did you get to be so smart?”

They talked a bit more, about Tony’s family, his returning to the NFL, and his getting his knee X-rayed—the reason he had been at the hospital. Just as they were saying their good-byes, Tony switched the subject yet again.

“So you’re still seeing Darius?”

“I’m not
seeing
anybody. The only connection he and I have is our son.”

“Oh, so you brought your son to his party? That’s why you were there Thanksgiving weekend?”

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were trying to get in a sistah’s business.”

“What, am I out of bounds?”

“I don’t know, are you trying for a touchdown or a field goal?”

“Let’s just say I’m on your team, and players look after each other.”

“Oh, so you’re a player, is that what you’re saying?”

“No, I’m a cautious brothah, making sure I don’t get played.”