Heat Exchange (10 page)

She was a mess and definitely second-guessing her insistence on being home when he came by to grab more of his things. But Lydia was right. They needed to start communicating and text messaging wasn’t going to cut it. The limbo was playing hell on her nerves and on her sleep, and she wasn’t going to be able to take it much longer.

At twenty after six, there was a knock on the front door and the sound made Ashley’s heart ache. It wasn’t right, Danny knocking on the door of the home they’d made together.

She opened the door and the impact of the mixed emotions made her take a step backward. God, she’d missed him. She wanted to throw her arms around his neck and hold on so tightly he’d never be able to get away from her again.

But his back was almost military straight and his expression gave her nothing. Ashley could see the sadness in his eyes, like Lydia had said, but she shouldn’t have to try to read Danny’s face like a coded map. She wanted him to pull her into his arms and hold her as if he’d never let her go.

“Come on in,” she finally said, stepping to the side so he could go by her. It was unnatural and awkward, and she cursed herself for not being somewhere else.

“I just need to grab a few things. I have some boxes in the truck.”

Boxes, plural? “Okay. Do you want help?”

“I’m all set. But I’ll probably be in and out a few times. I’ll try to be quick.”

She wanted to tell him to take his time. The longer he was in the house, the bigger the chance one of them might say something that would open the floodgates of communication between them. But all she did was nod because he’d already started walking toward the stairs.

Ashley couldn’t bear to see him in their bedroom, taking any of his things out of their closet or from his dresser. Throwing some belongings in duffel bags was one thing. Boxes were for moving and moving out seemed so much more permanent than just going to stay with Scott to give her some space.

Danny took four boxes out to his truck while Ashley sat on the couch and stared blankly at the television screen. If there was anything good at all about this night, it was that she wasn’t crying. Whether it was because she was all cried out or because things were going so badly she was beyond tears, she couldn’t say.

When he came downstairs with his fifth box, Danny hesitated at the bottom of the stairs and Ashley realized with a sense of dread that he was done. He was about to tell her he was leaving.

She stood and walked over to face him. “Is that it?”

“I think I have everything I need for now.”

“I mean
is that it
, as in you’re just going to grab your shit and leave without even attempting a conversation?”

“I’m not sure what I can say, Ash. I’m the same guy you fell in love with. I’m the same guy you married. I don’t know why I’m not enough for you now.”

“No, Danny.” Her throat ached from the tight ball of emotion wedged there. “That’s not...I didn’t say you’re not enough for me. I never said that.”

“I don’t know what you want from me.”

“I want you to share your feelings with me.”

He looked at her for so long, she wasn’t sure he was going to answer, but then he sighed. “I thought I was doing that. I’ve always told you I love you. I don’t...I don’t know what else there is.”

“I want
all
of your feelings. Good. Bad. Loud. Messy. All of it, because I’m your wife and I’m tired of being shut out.”

She watched his expression change, as if a shutter dropped to block out a storm, and knew she’d bumped up against something he didn’t want to talk about. “I’m not the kind of guy who likes to vent, Ash. And I don’t want to come home and spend my time with you bitching about work. There’s freaking piles of paperwork to deal with and one of the guys on second crew is bitching about his share of the house fund because his wife’s making him eat vegetarian and packing his meals. Aidan’s got a hair across his ass about something, but I don’t know what yet. Is that the kind of stuff you want to hear?”

Ashley felt a jolt of guilt, because she had an idea of why Aidan had a hair across his ass. But she couldn’t tell Danny because she wouldn’t violate her sister’s trust. And Danny worked with both Aidan and Scotty, so the entire thing would be a shit show if Danny said something. Which was why Aidan shouldn’t have been messing around with Lydia in the first place.

But that didn’t matter right now. They were adults and not her problem. “Yes, I want to know if you have a rough day at work. But it’s more than that. Maybe it was stupid and childish to try to force you to show you care by telling you I wanted out, but you didn’t even try to fight it. You just left.”

His jaw flexed several times before he spoke. “You told me you needed space and I’m giving it to you. I’m not the kind of guy who, when asked to leave, refuses to go. That’s not who I am.”

“You didn’t even look upset.”

“I was upset.” She watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed hard. “That was the worst night of my life, Ashley, but I didn’t know how to stop it. And I’m ready to come home as soon as you say the word.”

It was tempting. She could say the word and he’d sleep in their bed tonight. They’d get up tomorrow morning and go on about their lives as if this marital interruption had never happened.

But Danny hadn’t touched her. His hand hadn’t even twitched as if he wanted to touch her but wasn’t sure if she’d welcome it. He was the same brick wall tonight that she’d grown so tired of beating her head against.

“We need to go to counseling,” she said, and that got an emotional response. Just a quick grimace, but she didn’t miss it. Of course he’d resist counseling because then he’d have to share his feelings. “I’m not willing to go back to the way it was.”

He gave her a quick nod, his mouth tight. “If you find somebody, I’ll consider it, but I don’t know if it’ll help. This is just who I am, Ash, and a few therapy sessions won’t change that.”

“I hope you’re wrong.”

Danny hefted the box on his hip and sighed. “Just let me know. And do me a favor. If you decide to file for divorce, let me know. Please don’t have me served papers at the house.”

Ashley’s vision blurred with tears and she squeezed her hands into fists so tightly that her fingernails bit into her palm. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“Thank you. I...so good night, I guess. I’ll probably talk to you soon.”

“Good night.”

Ashley closed the front door behind him and leaned her head against the wood. Gulping in air, she tried to hold back the sobs, but it was too much. She slid to the floor and, wrapping her arms around her knees, cried a whole new batch of tears.

Chapter Nine

P
RIME
-
TIME
TELEVISION
wasn’t any better than daytime TV, Aidan thought. Or maybe, even though he’d eaten and had a hot shower, he still wasn’t in the mood to watch anything.

He settled on some kind of historical documentary, hoping the drone of the narrator’s voice would put him to sleep. Maybe he’d be sorry if he woke up in the middle of the night with a stiff neck, but at least he wouldn’t be lying in bed, staring at his ceiling fan.

An hour later, he was not only still awake, but he knew a lot more about marsupials than he’d ever wanted to know. He picked up the remote control, but rather than get caught up in a cycle of channel surfing, he hit the power button and shut the television off. He’d be better off staring at his ceiling fan because if he got lucky and nodded off, at least he’d already be in bed.

As he stood, his cell phone chimed and he picked it up off the coffee table to look at the screen. The text was from Lydia, and a whole mess of mixed emotions went through him—the desire to see her, and satisfaction she’d reached out first, and the knowledge patching things up with Lydia would just make things harder between him and Scotty.

Can I talk to you?
In person
,
I
mean?

He wasn’t really in the mood to get dressed and head to Kincaid’s at the moment.

When?

I’m outside your door right now.

That was interesting.

Most people knock.

There was a long pause, during which he walked across the living room and stood next to his door. He could just open it, but he could tell by the little dot-dot-dot on the phone screen that she was typing a reply and he wanted to see what it said.

I
thought it might be more awkward if you were surprised.
This way you know it’s me and you can open the door or you can tell me you’re already in bed.
No harm
,
no foul.

The way out was right there, as easy as typing in
yeah
,
I’m in bed
, but he didn’t. She’d come all the way over there, so it wouldn’t kill him to hear what she had to say. Plus, they were going to cross paths. A lot, probably. Better to face the potential awkwardness now than in front of somebody else.

He undid the locks and opened the door. Lydia was leaning back against the opposite wall in the hallway, staring down at her phone. She looked up when the door opened, and then her eyes widened.

“You, uh, forgot your clothes.”

Aidan ran a hand over his naked chest and glanced down at his black boxer briefs. “People don’t call before they come over, they get what they get.”

“I texted you. Last-minute, but
before
you opened the door.”

He’d probably be annoyed by the lecture, but he knew she was only bitching at him because seeing him almost naked had thrown her off and she was trying to hide it. “If you’d like to make an appointment to visit, I’ll schedule in putting on some pants.”

Making a huffy sound, Lydia pushed off the wall and—giving him a look as she went by—walked past him into his apartment. “Do you always have to be an asshole about everything?”

“Nice talk.” He followed her in and kicked the door closed behind him. “Thanks for stopping by.”

“I came to apologize.”

“Okay.”

She crossed her arms. “Okay? That’s it?”

“No, that’s not it.
Okay
, you came to apologize. So go ahead.”

“I’m sorry.”

He arched an eyebrow at her. “Hell of an apology.”

“It’s not easy being sincere when you’re not wearing any pants.”

“At least I don’t go commando. But really, I don’t feel like I’m obligated to make this easier for you.”

She blew out a breath. “Can we sit down, at least? It feels so awkward and confrontational, standing here facing each other like this.”

Deciding against the couch, because sitting next to her while in his boxer briefs would feel odd, he gestured to his tiny kitchen table. “You want something to drink?”

“Water would be great, thanks.”

He filled a couple of glasses from the ice and water dispenser in his fridge, and then set them on the table. She took a sip of hers while he sat down in the chair across from her.

“I’m sorry I called you a reckless kid with a God complex,” she said, all traces of annoyance with him gone. “I was losing control and it scared me, what I was willing to do with you in the storage closet of my dad’s bar. I needed you to walk away.”

“You could have tried telling me to walk away.”

“I panicked.” She ran a fingertip through the condensation on her glass. “I don’t believe what I said, you know. I don’t always like your job, but I respect it. You’re so easygoing most of the time and you let things roll off you, so I went straight for the cheap shot and I’m very, very sorry.”

He wasn’t sure how he’d feel if it was somebody else who’d said it, but this was Lydia. She had her own issues with firefighting, including having been married to a guy who’d been ill-suited for the job because he
had
been somewhat reckless and gotten off on being a hero. Knowing the insult came from her life experiences and not her opinion of him made it a lot easier to forgive.

“Thank you,” he said. “I accept your apology.”

“Just like that?”

He met her gaze across the table and gave her a warm smile. “Yeah, just like that. I’d rather not wallow in it or hold a grudge. That’s not really my thing.”

The smile she gave him made the bad mood he’d been carrying around since he left her in the storage room disappear. “I’m glad. Beating myself up wasn’t a pleasant way to spend the day, so I’d rather not keep on doing it.”

“You could have called anytime.”

“I never know when you’re busy. And there was disagreement on whether I should apologize to you over the phone—which didn’t seem good enough—or in person, which might lead to...another moment of weakness, if you know what I mean.”

Aidan did know what she meant, but those weren’t the words that really caught his attention, as intriguing as they were. “Disagreement? Who was disagreeing?”

Maybe she had a habit of talking to herself and it had escalated into a full-scale argument. He’d never seen her having a solo conversation before that he could remember, but maybe she saved that for when she was alone.

“Courtney—who I don’t think you know—thought I should apologize to you in person, but Ashley said the phone would be better.”

“Ashley.” His fingers tightened around his glass. “So Danny Walsh’s wife knows what happened between us.”

She tilted her head. “My sister does, yes.”

“Yeah, your sister who’s married to my lieutenant.”

“She won’t say anything to him. I get it, Aidan. Danny’s her husband and wives tell their husbands things. But not stuff like this. She’s my sister and she’s not going to share my secrets
or
do anything that might set Scotty off. I promise.”

It still made him nervous. But Lydia knew what was at stake and if she trusted Ashley, he didn’t really have a choice but to trust her, too. “I guess if I show up at the house one day and Scotty kicks my ass, I’ll know why.”

She looked startled for a moment, but he smiled and, after a few seconds, she returned it. “What a mess.”

“I’m glad you listened to Courtney, whoever she is, and came in person.”

“So you could see me squirm?”

“I don’t know about the squirming part, but I’m glad to see you.”

Her eyes met his and he held her gaze, wondering what was going on behind that mildly amused expression. And he couldn’t help but wonder if his own expression was giving away his thoughts. Despite what had happened, and despite the alarm he’d felt when she said Ashley knew about it, he still wanted her.

Maybe his eyes did give it away, because she stood and carried her glass to the sink. After slowly dumping what remained of the ice and water down the drain, she set the glass on the counter and wiped her hand on her jeans. He got the feeling she was composing herself or struggling with something or stalling. He just wished he knew which.

He stood up, thankful he had a little bit of self-control, since he was wearing only the snug boxer briefs and, when she turned around, he noticed she kept her eyes on his face.

“I should go.” She opened her arms and stepped forward. “Thank you for accepting my apology.”

By the time he realized a hug might be a very bad idea, she had her arms wrapped around his neck and his hands slid over her hips and up to her back.

“Maybe I should have shaken your hand,” she said, but instead of pulling away, she dropped her forehead to his chest. Her hands were splayed against his back muscles and Aidan was careful to keep any body contact limited to above the waist. The boxer briefs were growing more snug by the second.

“Do me a favor,” he said, “and keep in mind you can’t chase me off this time. I live here, and I’m not wearing any pants.”

“Trust me, I’m very aware you’re not wearing pants. Or a shirt.” Her fingertips trailed down his spine.

Aidan lowered his head to kiss her temple, and she tilted her head so he could work his way down her neck. When he got to her collarbone, he put a finger under her chin and tilted her head back. He wanted her mouth.

There was no hesitation in her kiss. She opened her lips to him, her tongue meeting his. He slid the finger under her chin down to the hollow at the base of her throat before cupping the back of her neck.

There was body contact below the waist now, and it took every ounce of Aidan’s self-control not to grind against the front of Lydia’s jeans. The hunger he felt in her kiss matched his own, and he wanted to bury himself deep inside of her, right here on the kitchen floor.

She broke off the kiss, resting her cheek against his so he felt the breath of her sigh. “We shouldn’t do this.”

And there it was. He pulled back so he could see her face. She’d said
shouldn’t
not
can’t
, and he didn’t want to misjudge the significance. “Why not?”

“I don’t remember, but I think it was probably a good reason.”

“I think you’re right, but I’m having trouble caring right this second.” He touched his fingertip to her bottom lip, and smiled when she caught it between her teeth. But this push/pull thing they had going on wasn’t fun and he’d rather common sense killed the mood now than later, if and when they made it into his bed. “You know what? Let’s not do this.”

Her eyes widened and she let go of his finger. “What?”

“No, not
this
this. I want to do this, believe me. I just don’t want games between us. We both know sleeping together is a bad idea and we both know why. I’d rather we decide together, right now, if we’re going to do it anyway.”

“Making a decision to not sleep together isn’t going to make me not want you, which will make it hard to be around you. I’m going to try too hard not to look at you, and then fail because there’s no way I’m not staring at your ass when you walk by. People are going to notice something’s up because we’re trying unnaturally hard to act natural.”

He grinned because he knew exactly what she meant. “So we should get it out of our systems, then. Or try to.”

She took his hand in hers, threading their fingers together. “You have more at stake than I do, Aidan. I mean, yeah, they’re my family, but I can handle them. They have to come around eventually because I
am
family. But you, they can alienate and it’ll matter. You work with Scott. If the other guys think you’ve done him wrong, you’ll suffer for it. My dad means the world to you, and you guys all go to the bar. You play hockey together. It seems like there’s no part of your life that wouldn’t be affected.”

“I’m willing to take that chance.” Maybe it wasn’t the right decision, but in this moment, it was the only one he was capable of making. “I want you so much, every part of my life already
is
affected.”

When she hooked a fingertip under the elastic of his boxer briefs, running it back and forth across his hip, he sucked in a breath and she gave him a smile that promised there was better to come. “There’s only you and me in this room. Nobody else.”

Aidan shoved everybody and everything out of his mind except for the woman standing in front of him. “Just you and me.”

Lydia enjoyed running her finger around the inside of the waistband of Aidan’s boxer briefs. He was mostly made up of hard muscle and tough skin, but the flesh under her knuckle was soft and sensitive.

Every time her finger came close enough to
almost
brush the hard length of his erection, which was straining against the cotton, his breathing would change. She changed direction and worked her finger back toward his hip.

When she used her other hand to cup him through the fabric, he hissed and grabbed her wrist. “Gimme a minute to run box scores through my head or something.”

“Your hose fully charged, is it?”

He groaned. “If you’re going to crack lame firefighter jokes during sex, at least try to be original. But, to answer that ridiculous question, yes.”

She laughed as he grasped both of her wrists and pulled her hands up toward his chest. It pulled her closer to him at the same time and he kissed her. She loved the way he kissed. His mouth wasn’t gentle or tentative, but neither did he just mash his lips against hers. She thought she could happily spend hours kissing him. Until his hands slid down her arms and sides to the hem of her T-shirt, and then she decided there might be better things than kissing in store for her.

“Keep your arms up,” he said, his voice low and firm in a way that made her shiver. He slowly pulled the shirt up and over her arms before tossing it aside. His eyes widened slightly, and then he stroked the lace edging of her bra. “I don’t know what this color is, but it’s my new favorite.”

“I think it’s called beige.”

“I love beige.”

She still had on a lot more clothes than he did, so she tried to give him a little incentive. “The panties are beige, too, and have lace.”

When he made a
mmm
sound low in his throat and reached for the button on her jeans, she was never so thankful to have forgotten to switch her laundry over from the washer to the dryer. She usually wore her older, plain cotton underwear sets for work because they were comfortable, but they hadn’t dried in time, so she’d grabbed the lace set.