Hearts of Ishira (Hearts of Ishira Saga) (44 page)

The girls were still giggling about that kiss half an hour later, when Arianna began yawning and Jace arrived home to shoo them all out so she could rest. That was when he grew truly concerned that she wasn’t healing properly. Once Arianna was tucked into Hunter’s bed for an afternoon nap, at Jace’s insistence, Jace drew his brother into the kitchen.

“I am worried for our little one,” the physician said without preamble. “She has had more than a week to heal. I gave her the booster yesterday, but aside from making her rather silly last night,” both men grinned in memory, “she doesn’t seem to be responding to it. I fear that perhaps there was something wrong with her internally, something that the scanners missed. Maybe the nanos are having to work harder to heal that, and there are not enough of them to fix her leg at the same time.”

Hunter was thoughtful for a long moment, but had nothing to volunteer. Jace sighed and turned away, heading out to community garden to gather additional food for their dinner. The balcony garden just wasn’t quite enough anymore.

“I will watch her,” Jace said as he was leaving. “If she is still not healing by the end of this next week, I will run another scan to make sure she is well.”

“Perhaps her body is different from the others, and she is unaware of it?” Hunter asked, perplexed as well. Jace shrugged.

“The preliminary tests showed no differences, though her hormone levels were a bit lower than the other girls. I thought that was perhaps due to her missing womb. I do not know. I will give it some thought and perhaps we will figure something out soon.”

Hunter waited until that evening to broach the subject. Jace was on patrol duty for the evening, so it was just Hunter and Arianna relaxing a bit after dinner. She was looking a little tired, but he was determined to get some answers.

“I have some questions for you, little one,” he said once all the dinner dishes had been washed and put away and the two of them were cuddled on the couch. She looked up at him from where her head was resting on his chest. He loved the feel of her soft curves, her warm body snuggled to his, her hand absently stroking his chest, as though she couldn’t help but touch him. He loved that trait, loved that she was such a sensual, tactile woman.

“Anything,” she murmured, kissing his bare chest softly and smiling sweetly up at him. He nearly lost his resolve. Being so near to her every day was getting to him. Why would the damn woman not heal, so that he could begin to woo her in earnest? The beast in his pants was begging to be freed for her delight. And his. But even he had to admit that not being able to seduce her immediately meant that they all had more time to get to know each other, grow used to being in the same household, and generally reorder his and Jace’s lives to include her.

“Jace is concerned that you are not healing quickly enough,” he began. “I was wondering… do you know of any physical problem that might be hindering the work of the medicines and the nanos that he’s given you?”

He felt her hesitation, knew when she mentally shrugged something off.

“What was that?” he pounced on the mental image he’d gotten from her. She stared up at him, her cheeks darkening.

“What was what?” she hedged, knowing it was futile.

“That thought you just had, but hid from me… I sensed something, but you think it unimportant.”

“Well, it probably is,” she shrugged, sitting back from him and gathering the blanket around her. He sensed her trepidation, the reluctance to speak of whatever she was hiding, and though he knew it shouldn’t bother him, that they hadn’t known each other long enough for a truly trusting bond to form, it did. She sensed that in him and sighed. “Hunter, I don’t want to keep secrets. It’s just… personal.”

“Little one, I hope to make you my mate one day very soon. At some point, hopefully in the very near future, I will see, feel, and taste every inch of your luscious little body. Nothing is more personal than that. And as your mate, I will need to know everything I can about you, so that I can help make decisions for you, if you are unable for some reason. Jace will need to know, as well, and for the same reasons. So there is nothing that you cannot tell me, nothing that we will not face together.”

A stab of pain cut through him at the look in her eyes. For the first time, his outright sexual teasing hadn’t brought the heat and interest that they normally did. She was too consumed with whatever it was she didn’t want to talk about.

“You’re hurting, little one. Tell me,” he murmured. She swallowed and held her silence for a few moments, hesitating. Then she fell back against the cushions and looked away from him. He missed the contact of her body along his immediately.

“It’s… I didn’t want to tell you yet. I hoped… well, I guess you do need to know. You deserve to know.” Tears swam in her eyes and she looked miserable when she turned back to him.

“Hunter, I told you once that I can’t have kids.”

He nodded. This was not news to him. Why was she bringing it up again? He had thought the subject closed. His brow furrowed at her pain as he waited for her to go on.

“I… had problems… with my female parts. I was engaged to be married about five years ago. I got pregnant with his child and we were both so very happy. But something happened, we don’t know what, and I lost the baby. And then I… bled too much. The doctors on my world couldn’t stop the bleeding or figure out what was wrong, so in order to save my life, I had to have an operation.” She then explained about her hysterectomy, making Hunter pale. She was absolutely miserable when she finished, and wouldn’t meet his eyes. “So… I guess that’s it, huh? I know I told you I couldn’t have children, but I don’t think you really understood. When I say that if you mate with me, you’ll never have kids of your own, I’m not exaggerating.”

Her eyes were dead when she looked at him. It shocked him, seeing the light gone from those normally shining, beautiful eyes. Shocked him enough that he didn’t immediately remember to tell her that he’d known about her missing womb from nearly the start, couldn’t remind her that he and Jace didn’t care about her having children. Instead, he was stunned that the light had been stolen from her eyes, the darkness cast by the tremendous, thick walls she was building in her mind before he could break them down. The heartbreak in her entire being was evident, though, as she finished.

“That’s why I can’t fall in love with you or be your mate. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you. I already know what kind of heart-ache it is to not have children if you want them. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.” She sniffled and gave him a wistful, trembly smile. “I tried to tell you, but you guys wouldn’t listen. And then I guess I fooled myself into thinking it would all work out. I had just hoped I could wait a bit longer. I really wanted to know what it was like to make love to you, before I had to let you go.”

Stunned, Hunter could only watch as she slid from his lap and curled into a miserable ball on the other end of the couch, her back turned to him. After a long moment of silence, he moved to reassure her, to take her back onto his lap and hold her. But she shrugged him off, and he felt the shaking of her body, sensed the tears she was not allowing herself to shed in front of him. But what bothered him most was when she stopped letting him sense anything at all. She had managed to build a mental shield around herself that, try as he might, he could not penetrate. That, more than anything else, stopped him in his tracks.

His frustration knew no bounds. He thought they’d settled this already. How many different ways could he tell her that it didn’t matter? The men had worked very hard over the past week to show her, in every way imaginable, how much they loved having her in their lives. And yet, she was shutting him out, even though he and Jace had assured her that being barren was not an issue to them.

He was angry at her sudden solitude, her unwillingness to listen to him. More than that, he hurt and ached for her as well as himself. Not knowing how to convince her, Hunter swore and stormed out of the suite.

Arianna waited until he’d left, then allowed her grief to consume her. He’d actually left her alone. She knew he had to, knew that she had delivered the killing blow to her own hopes and dreams, and probably hurt him deeply as well. But better to do so now than let this go on any longer and risk them all being hurt even more. It was killing her, but she knew that it was the right thing to do.

So why did it feel like she was dying inside? That it was the worst possible choice she could make? Why did such an altruistic, self-less, and logical decision feel so incredibly wrong that her entire soul protested?

Exhausted, she was still whimpering with grief when she finally fell into troubled sleep, hours after he’d left.

Hunter slammed himself into his usual chair in the command center, frustration and anger roiling through him. He needed some time away from his little one, time to figure out what to say to her, how to say it. And most of all, he needed to find a way to assure her that, babies or no, he still wanted her, more and more with each passing day. It was becoming rather uncomfortable and even a little frightening, how much he hungered for her. She had managed to make his life complete, and they hadn’t even had sex yet.

He could not imagine his home without her in it, without her laughter and sweet, husky voice singing at all hours of the day, as though she couldn’t help it. He loved her lively and intelligent conversation, her bright ideas and her naughty teasing. He never wanted the day to dawn that he would wake without seeing her smiling face over his breakfast counter. But he didn’t know how to convince the stubborn little woman of that!

Was her society so bent on procreation that they looked at a woman as a lesser being if she was unable to contribute to the gene pool? Was his Arianna used to ridicule and somehow seen as inferior because she couldn’t bear children? What a horrible world she had lived in! At least his people found worth in anyone who contributed to society.

Deciding that he could better find answers by learning more about her, Hunter picked up her carry-sack and pulled out the various devices. Bev and Trey’s team had sorted everything by now, and the archiving was almost finished. Soon, Hunter and the others would be able to give the girls their items and still have as complete a database as they could possibly have. Bev and Ri were the only ones who had any of their electronics back so far, and they weren’t bragging about it.

He took up Ri’s laptop and quickly found the cord for it. He plugged the power supply into one of the adapters that Trey had built into all of their original computers, then sat back and waited for the machine to ‘boot up’. Once the system loaded, he began shamelessly exploring all the folders. A week ago, he never would have gone through all of her files without her permission. Now, though, he searched with impunity. She needed understanding and help, and he was at his wits end trying to give those to her. Drastic measures were called for.

He quickly managed to find the file holding pictures and blueprints for making spinning wheels and set that folder to copying onto his personal storage device for later review. Scrolling through the other files, he rejected many just because they didn’t interest him or he didn’t understand their purpose.

“Music files?” he murmured. There were hundreds of songs, hours and hours of music from her world, and it only made sense that the music would be all her favorite songs, if they were stored on her device. He punched a button to allow sound out of the computer’s speakers, then jumped back at the heavy beat and screeching noises. Quickly, he dialed down the volume and chose a different song, one not titled
‘Bang Your Head’
. He grinned sheepishly and felt as though he had done just that.

The next song that played was much more beautiful, soft and low, almost dreamy. This was more suited to the Arianna he already knew so well. Smiling, his heart aching for her, he listened for a moment. It was the same music Ri had been playing for them in their home. There were no words to the song, simply lovely music. It was much like the songs that his mother had played in their home growing up, when she would go about her daily duties. Happy with the selection of the group called
‘‘Secret Garden’
, he ‘minimized’ the music program’s screen and brought up the folder labeled ‘My Pictures’.

“There appear to be video files as well,” Trey murmured, looking over the commander’s shoulder at the screen. Hunter jumped and glowered at his second lieutenant. Trey offered an apologetic smile. “Sorry to startle you, but I saw the lights flickering in here, heard that racket, and thought I’d check it out, make sure that the sensors hadn’t found something. So look… there. Open that folder.”

Hunter moved to the video section of the device’s storage, bringing up a file labeled only, ‘Family’.

This file contained what appeared to be pictures and short videos of Arianna’s family through the years. His heart wept for her loss when he realized what he was looking at. He had been sensing a deep, dark grief in her, that she somehow managed to keep buried so deeply that he only sensed it was there, but not why it was there. But now he knew.

She had been part of a very large, very loving family. Many of the pictures and videos were of children and babies of all ages, though there were a good many of adults, old and young. He was amazed at how much love had been around her for so many years, how very many people seemed to cherish her, and how much the children adored her. There was even a short play that some of the younger children had put on for her at what appeared to be a winter celebration of some sort. It reminded him very much of his own childhood, the special occasions when his large clan gathered for celebrations or funerals.