Having Hope (The Blow Hole Boys Book 4) (17 page)

“Chet’s not here,” Constance said as she burst into the room.

“What? What do you mean he’s not here?” Lena asked.

“They go on in twenty minutes,” Mia said as she stood from the couch.

We were in the back of the venue in a dressing room relaxing. We usually went out to watch the boys play a few minutes before they started.  But it didn’t seem like that was going to happen.

“Where is he?” I asked.

Constance turned my way, her eyes wide with worry.

“They don’t know. They went to his room this afternoon, but he wasn’t there. All his shit’s on his bed, but he’s gone.”

He hadn’t shown up for breakfast, but the guys hadn’t been too worried. Chet was famous for sleeping the morning away after a long night, but he would never miss a show. Something was definitely wrong.

“What are they going to do?” I asked.

As soon as the words left my lips, the boys were entering our space. Their worry was obvious in their stiff shoulders and tight lips.

“Tell me you know our songs, Hope,” Finn said as he fell onto the couch next to me.

My eyes moved around the room, landing on each of the guys looking back at me. “You’re serious?”

Finn nodded. “We don’t know where he is. He’s probably fucked up with some girl, but thousands of fans are out there waiting for us. We’ll deal with Chet later, but until then, can you cover for him?”

I nodded, my heart beating so hard with anxiety that I was starting to feel sick.

I knew Blow Hole’s songs. I’d played their songs for fun many times, but walking on stage and playing in front of thousands of fans was a different story. Our music was engraved in my brain, coming out without even thinking, but Blow Hole’s songs weren’t.

What if I fucked up?

What if I missed a beat?

As if hearing my thoughts, Finn reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder. “You’ll do great, Hope. You’d be saving our asses, and we’d be eternally grateful.”

I nodded, feeling my heart lodged in my throat. “I’ll do it.”

At least, I’d try. I didn’t want to let the guys down. They’d already been let down by Chet.

I paced the dressing room for a few, trying to calm my nerves. And then ten minutes later, I stepped onto the stage with the Blow Hole boys. It was a true honor to play with the boys. I could remember going to The Pit before anyone knew who they were and watching and wishing I could step on stage with them.

I was living the dream. As I sat in front of Chet’s set, my eyes bounced over the drums. Skulls decorated the outer edges, and his name was etched into the silver trim. The set was expensive and nicer than mine was, but still, I longed to play my own.

I zoned out while Finn tossed out a lie to explain Chet’s absence and introduced me. I stood and held my drumsticks over my head when the crowd grew louder for me. My heart was slamming into my ribs, making my breathing hard and shallow. Dizziness swooped in, but I pushed through my nerves and slammed the drumsticks against the drums.

I played harder for the boys than I ever did for the Sirens. Not because they mattered more, but because I was so fucking worried I’d screw something up. I knew what I was doing when it came to playing with my girls, but while I knew Blow Hole’s music well, some songs I’d never played before.

I hadn’t been nervous on the stage since my first time playing in front of people, but I made it through. And when the boys said their good nights, I smiled knowing I’d kicked way more ass than I knew I was capable of.

I left the stage with the boys, wiped at the sweat pouring down my back, and then I went right back on with my girls. I was beyond exhausted; my arms ached from playing so hard, and my back was stiff, but I’d played double shows before.

Our songs were in my memory, which meant I played in a more relaxed state. Halfway through our show, I stripped off my T-shirt, leaving only my sports bra. A breeze hit the stage every few minutes, sending chills across my arms, but the second I realized Chet was standing on the side stage watching me play, the chills spread down my back and up the back of my neck.

My eyes skimmed him once, but I refused to look at him anymore. I was pissed at him. One, for leaving his group hanging while he was probably out fucking some bitch, and two, because he was probably out fucking some bitch.

I didn’t have the right to be jealous, but I was. I knew what it meant to love the drums. I knew what it meant to love my group. And I also knew Chet felt the same way about playing and Blow Hole. Whoever took up his time and made him miss a show must have been pretty special.

Those thoughts made me feel sick to my stomach, and I accidentally skipped a beat, making Lena turn my way in confusion. I nodded that I was okay and kept playing, blocking out anything involving Chet and the bullshit feelings I had for him.

I tossed more than enough money to the cab driver and ran inside the venue as fast as I could. I knew I was too late, but I couldn’t help but continue to rush. I felt like shit; guilt had eaten me alive on the flight back to Florida. I’d never left my boys hanging before, and I wasn’t sure how they were going to handle it. I just knew I wasn’t taking it well.

The crew members ushered me into the back of the venue, screaming into their walkies that I’d been located. As I entered the sounding area, the Siren’s music echoed all around me. I’d missed our entire set. I’d really missed it. I could hardly believe I’d done something so careless.

I searched the venue for the boys, but they were nowhere to be found. Obviously, the show had gone on, and I could only assume that Hope had taken my place behind my drums. If there were anyone I’d want to take my place behind my set, it would be her. Although, I hated that my boys were put in a fucked-up predicament because of me.

I went to the side stage and watched the girls play. Hope turned her eyes on me briefly before turning away. Either she didn’t see me or she was seriously pissed off. The way her face turned red and her shoulders stiffened, I’d say she was seriously pissed off.

I didn’t blame her.

I watched for two songs, gathering my thoughts and trying to figure out what to tell the guys before I left and went back to the hotel. I went to Finn’s room first. I had no fucking idea what I was going to tell him, but I had to make it right. With my life on borrowed time, I didn’t want any bad blood between my boys and me.

I tapped at his door, and within seconds, the door swung open and him, Zeke, and Tiny were standing there staring back at me. I opened my mouth to speak, but before I could, Finn pulled me into a bear hug. His large arms squeezed around me, and my guilt moved up another level. I felt sick to my stomach with regret and sadness. 

“Where the fuck have you been, Chet?” Zeke asked.

He didn’t sound angry. If anything, he sounded relieved.

I pulled back from Finn and looked up at him. There was definitely relief in his expression.

“I’m sorry, guys,” I said. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

Tiny grabbed my shoulder and squeezed with a strong hand. “Fuck it, man. You’re here, and you’re alive. That’s all that matters.”

“Yeah,” Finn agreed. “We called you so many times. I didn’t know if you were dead on the side of the fucking street somewhere.”

“You should have at least called, Chet,” Zeke followed.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my dead phone.

“It’s dead. I don’t know any of your numbers. I tried to get back here. I tried so hard, but my fucking flight got delayed and …”

I stopped when I realized what I’d said.

How could I slip up so easily?

“Your flight? Where the fuck did you go, Chet?” Finn asked.

His voice was tinted with anger, and I knew now that the guys knew I was alive and well, their anger was going to come out. I was fine with that. I deserved their anger.

“It’s no big deal,” I started. “I went back to the condo real quick to check on things. I had plenty of time to get back, but the damn flight was delayed.”

It was a lie. A stupid one at that, but I said the first thing that came to mind.

Finn’s brows lifted. Obviously, he didn’t believe a word I was saying.

“You went home to check on the condo? For what?”

“I just went to get away and make sure everything was locked down and okay.” I shrugged.

“You’re lying,” Zeke yelled and moved toward me, prompting Finn to grab his arm. Zeke stopped and looked up at Finn. “What? He’s lying. He’s been lying about something since this fucking tour started.”

He turned away, sitting on Finn’s bed and shaking his head.

“I don’t know what your problem is, Chet, but whatever it is, you need to fix it. Finn and Tiny have seen it, too. Something’s up, and if you can’t at least tell us what it is, then what kind of friends are we, man?”

“He’s right, man,” Tiny muttered. “You’ve been fucked up since we left California.”

I was tired of the lies.

Tired of the bullshit.

I couldn’t keep up with it anymore. I was an honest man. I always had been. Even with the women I’d fucked over the years, I’d always been brutally honest about my intentions, and this dishonesty was killing me.

My fingers tugged at my hair, aggravation and the events of the past few months coming to a head. Everything moved over me all at once, and I found myself breaking down. My headache, which I’d soothed over with a double dose of morphine, was returning, slamming into my brain and making me flinch.

“I can’t fucking do this right now,” I said, spinning around and leaving the guys sitting there staring back at me. “It’s too much.”

I moved toward the door, prepared to leave and hoping they forgot about my missed show, and we could move on.

“Leave, Chet,” Finn called out, stopping me in my tracks.

“Excuse me?”

“If you’re not here with us one hundred percent, then you should head back to California. We can hire on a replacement drummer for the rest of the tour. Thankfully, Hope knew our music tonight.”

“You want me to leave?”

I could hardly believe Finn was saying these things to me. We were boys … brothers. Hell, I’d lived with Finn growing up. We were there for each other … always had been. They said they had my back. They’d always had my back.

“I thought we stuck together?” I asked, swallowing against the hurt that worked its way into my chest.

“We do, man.” His voice softened. “But you obviously have some serious shit going on. We can’t afford to have you freak out and leave us in the middle of the tour again. Whatever it is, go home and deal with it. We’ll finish the tour.”

“No,” I said adamantly. “This is my group too. This band is my life. It’s the only thing holding my shit together. I’ll be there. I won’t miss another fucking show. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving y’all in the middle of a fucking tour.”

Zeke stood and crossed his arms. Tiny joined him. All three stared back at me like they didn’t believe me, and I hated that I’d somehow become untrustworthy with my boys. I’d never do anything on purpose to jeopardize everything we worked for. They had to know that.

Finally, Finn nodded.

“Go get some rest, man. We’ll grab breakfast in the morning and get ready for tomorrow night’s show. This isn’t over. Not by a long shot. When we get home, we sit, and we talk this shit out. Got it?”

I nodded, agreeing that by then I’d be more than willing to let them know what was going on. “Got it.”

I left Finn’s room feeling like shit. I hated that things were tense between us, and I was sure it would be obvious at tomorrow night’s show, but right now wasn’t the time. I was tired. The guys were tired. We could start over fresh tomorrow, and once we were home and settled, I’d tell them.

My original plan didn’t include telling them, but things were different now. The reality was rapidly crashing over me. Things weren’t going as planned … nothing ever did, but I’d go with the flow the way I always did. And when it was all over and done with, I’d tell the boys, and I’d die peacefully without any regrets.

My room door was in front of me, and I knew I should have stepped in, showered, and went to sleep, but I couldn’t. After the news I got from Doctor Patel, my room was the last place I wanted to be. All I could think about was going to Hope. Being near her always made me feel better … lighter, like the weight of the world wasn’t on my shoulders.

My feet moved on their own, their destination sure, and I found myself standing outside Hope’s room.

Just one more time.

I just wanted to be with her once more.

Then I’d leave her alone and never fuck with her again. After so many years of thinking of my Blackbird, of dreaming about being with her again and finding that solace in her arms, I couldn’t just let her go. I’d found my Blackbird again … I’d found Hope. I was a dying man, and she was my dying wish.

I deserved her at least once more. Well, maybe not deserved. I’d done some fucked-up shit in my time, but my days on Earth were numbered. If I were going to die, which I knew I was, one more time would have to be enough to last the rest of my lifetime.

I tapped on her door. Part of me wished she wouldn’t be there. Obviously, I was weak when it came to her. Obviously, I couldn’t control myself. If she wasn’t there, then I could walk away, get a shower, and go to bed. If she wasn’t there, I’d be off the hook for the night.

The door opened, and she stood there in only her T-shirt and shorts. She looked delicious … the perfect last meal for a dying man. The second my eyes landed on her, I knew I had to have her. I had to taste her.

“No,” she blurted before she started to shut the door in my face.

I reached out and stopped it with the palm of my hand.

“Hope, just let me explain.”

She pressed at the door, trying her hardest to shut me out, but I wasn’t having it.

“I don’t want to hear your lies, Chet. I can’t be friends with a person who could leave their crew like sitting ducks. I don’t even want to think about who you were fucking. It’s disgusting.”

And then I knew.

She was angry with me for leaving the boys hanging and putting her on the spot by having to play for me but hidden beneath her anger was jealousy. She thought I was out fucking some chick instead of showing up to the set.

“I wasn’t fucking anyone, Hope. I swear it.”

She stopped pressing at the door, allowing me to push it open until I could see her face once again.

“I haven’t touched anyone since you. That’s the God’s honest truth.”

She crossed her arms over her braless chest and shrugged.

“I don’t care who you fuck, but what you did to the guys was bullshit.”

I stepped into her room, and she didn’t try to stop me. Once I had the door shut behind me, I reached out and pulled her to me. She smelled shower fresh, like baby powder and shampoo. I loved the clean smell of her skin, and again, my mouth watered to taste her.

My lips had skimmed her soft neck before I sucked at the sweet skin.

“Don’t lie, Blackbird, you care.”

She shivered. “I don’t,” she whispered.

I nibbled at her neck, tugging the collar of her shirt out of my way until I could bite her slender shoulder.

“I’m sorry I put you on the spot. I’m sorry that you had to take the stage for me, but I promise I wasn’t with another woman.”

Usually, when a woman acted possessive, it was a major turn-off, but I kind of liked Hope’s jealousy. It made me feel powerful and made me forget about how sick and weak I was slowly becoming.

“Where were you?” she asked, leaning her head to the side and exposing more of her skin to me.

I took advantage, licking and sucking at her shoulders until I became annoyed with her shirt. My fingers had skimmed the hem of her shirt before I pulled it over her head.

She stood before me in only her shorts, and my eyes went to the tattoo that lived in my memories and symbolized one of the best nights of my life. Her skin was soft against my fingertips when I ran them across the inked bird. Chills broke out across her skin, and she sucked in a breath.

“I needed to take care of something,” I answered.

It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the complete truth. It was the least and most I could do for her at that moment.

“Why won’t you tell me, Chet?”

I kissed the tattoo before moving down, letting my lips graze her skin.

“Tell you what?”

“Why won’t you tell me what you’re hiding?”

I chuckled against her body, my tongue peeking out to lick at a tiny freckle.

Without answering, I moved lower, sucking her hard nipple between my lips and making her body go tense in my arms. Her fingers tickled my hair as she pulled my face hard against her body.

The button of her shorts slipped through the buttonhole easily, and I was able to push them down over her hips. Thankfully, she wasn’t wearing underwear, and I was able to touch her without any more barriers.