Have No Shame (35 page)

I wrapped my right hand in my left, excited and nervous about this newly forged relationship that was growing between us.

“Does Daddy know how you feel?”

She looked at me again, and shook her head.

So many questions rattled around in my head, I didn’t know where to start. Talking to Jackson gave me strength. He had been just as relieved to get his anger off his chest as I’d been to talk about what I’d been feeling. I took a deep breath, sat up straight, and asked Mama if she’d brought the woman things before.

“No. There was no need.” Her eyebrows drew together. “Until now.”

“Who is she?” I asked.

“She’s Albert’s mother. Millie Johns.”

“How long have you known her?”

“I’m not gonna lie to you, Alison. I’ve known her for as long as Albert has worked for us. His mother sought me out, one day, while I was in town shoppin’. She told me that Albert was her youngest.” Mama laughed under her breath, in a way that I read to be some sort of a secret joke that only another mother might understand. “Her older son was away at war, the others had moved away from Forrest Town, and Albert was all she had left.”

“But why would she seek you out? Why would she do that?”

Tension drained from Mama’s shoulders. She cocked her head and looked at me with so much love it made my heart ache. She brushed my hair away from my face, and said, with so much emotion that I wanted to crawl into her lap, “Because when you have children, you’ll do anything to keep them safe.”

The next morning, I lay in bed listening to Daddy make his way toward the stairs. He peeked into my room, as he always did, and on the occasion I was awake, he winked at me. Today he blew a kiss my way and headed down the creaking stairs. I tried to go back to sleep, but half an hour later I was still too wound up from the evening before. I got up and rushed through my morning routine—showered, brushed my hair and teeth, chose my outfit.

Mama was in the kitchen when I came downstairs. “You’re up early. Are you hungry?”

Only for more information.
“No, thank you. Where’s Jake?” I asked.

“He was headin’ into town before school. He already left.”

I thought of the bruises on his knuckles, the way he’d followed Jimmy Lee into that fight like a puppy vying for attention. The muscles in my neck pulled tight. “He’s never 'round anymore.”

“That’s what happens when children grow up.” Mama sounded sad. I felt bad for her, but was lost within my own emotional hayride. “Are you gonna see Jimmy Lee later, before he goes back to Mississippi?”

“No, he’s leavin’ too early.” Guilt pushed at my heart, but I didn’t let it in. Jimmy Lee had hurt me, emotionally and physically, and he was the last person I wanted to see. After what he’d done to Albert, I wasn’t sure I could ever look at him in the same way.

I stood and walked to the window, staring into the fields. The farmhands were taking a break, sprawled out on the grass at the edge of the field. I thought about telling Mama about Jackson coming to work later that afternoon instead of Albert, but was afraid to reveal my secret.

“I’m goin’ outside to wait for Daddy. He’s runnin’ me into town to pick up more of that molasses. He loved those cookies.”

“Your father has a meetin’ at the bank this mornin’,” Mama said.

“Yes, ma’am, I know. He said I could take the bus back home. I’m stoppin’ at the library anyway. He’ll probably beat me back home.” I kissed Mama’s cheek. “Love you,” I said, and headed for the door.

The morning air was chilly, and as I sat in the rocking chair, the smell of dew-soaked grass in the air, I considered the farmhands showing up at five in the morning. How cold they must have been during the fall, and scorching hot in the summertime. There must have been many times that they were too tired or sick to come to work, but out of fear of being fired, they showed up anyway. I wondered what Jackson’s family was doing right then. Were they sitting around a kitchen table crying in anticipation of the impending funeral? Or perhaps they were reminiscing about the life of Mr. Bingham. I thought about Clara, hiding out wherever she might be, her life altered in a way she may never recover from. 

I thought of Jackson and my stomach tightened. Could he be killed for being alone with me? I wasn’t sure, though from what Jimmy Lee did to Albert—broken ribs and countless contusions—I’m sure that wasn’t so far fetched. When Jackson and I had left each other the evening before, he followed the stream in the opposite direction of our property to the end of town, and I went back home the way we’d come. How hard must it be to live every moment watching over your shoulder for something as natural as just being alive?

“You’re early, Pix.” My father climbed the porch steps, his stained t-shirt and overalls a wicked mess of dirt. That’s when the guilt hit me. As much as I disliked his disregard for the colored farmhands, I was still a Daddy’s girl, and I wanted nothing more than for him to reach out and pat my head, as he always did.

He held his palms up.  “Been fixin’ the tractor. Think your mama will mind?” he asked.

“I think Mama’ll tell you to hose off out back,” I laughed.

“You’re probably right,” he said as he touched my head. “I’ll be ready in twenty minutes.”

As he walked inside, I looked up at the clear sky, glad there was no rain in the forecast. Our family’s income relied on the farm, and too much rain could wipe out our crops. My father listened to the weather on the radio every morning. The familiar tinny sounds made their way upstairs to my room. Some mornings I’d lay in my bed and listen, trying to nod back off, until Mama woke me an hour later. When Maggie was still home, on really cold mornings, I’d crawl into bed with her and steal her warmth.

I spent hours milling about the library, reading the backs of so many books I couldn’t keep track. I loved to sit between the rows of shelves, pulling book after book into my lap, and taking my time nosing through them, looking for the one that held voices that called out to me in a way I couldn’t turn away from. I’d run my fingers over the covers imagining what I’d find inside. I was struck by how different I was from Maggie, who’d snag two or three books, leaf through the first few pages, and be ready to leave. To me, each book held the promise of a secret world, and disappearing into that world is simply delicious.

Later that afternoon, the bus dropped me off two blocks from our house. I carried my library books down the long dirt road, the tips of my shoes covered in dust. I heard the pedaling of a bike behind me, and I walked to the edge of the road to let it pass.

Jackson pulled up next to me and dropped his feet from the pedals. I whipped my head around, making sure no one was watching. If Daddy had found out about us meeting, he’d be sorely disappointed in me. I worried about him coming around the corner in his truck and scooping me right off the road. God only knew what he’d do to Jackson. The thought sent a shiver up my spine. Luckily, there was no one in sight right then. My nerves were afire with trepidation, and something else that I hadn’t felt in quite some time—anticipation? As wrong as it might be, every time I thought of our first meeting, I got hot all over, like blushing gone haywire. There was no mistaking the growing attraction within me, but I knew I needed to get my feeling’s in check and get back on track with what Daddy was expecting of me.

It took all my strength to continue walking. “We can’t talk,” I said, and walked faster toward home. The last thing his family needed was more trouble.

He stepped off his bike and hurried beside me. “Meet me later?”

I wanted so badly to know how the funeral went, if his aunt had escaped town safely. I didn’t respond to him.

“Please?”

I glanced up and saw the same kindness that I’d seen the day before, the same open, hopeful smile, so different than what I’d seen in Jimmy Lee lately.

“Where?” I asked.

“Same place, by the creek. Later, after I work for your dad.”

“It’s too dangerous.” My heart slammed against my chest. I stole a glance at him, still walking as fast as I could. His smile slowly sank, his lips pressed into a disappointed line.

“You’re the first person ‘round here who—oh, never mind.” He climbed back up on his bike, his muscular thighs bursting against his dark work pants. “I guess you are just like everyone else.”

I watched him pedal away, dirt kicking up behind him in a billowing puff of smoke. I hugged my books to my chest, wishing I’d agreed to meet him.

By the time I reached my house, Jackson was already helping Daddy in the barn. His bicycle lay sideways across the grass next to Daddy’s truck. I went around the back of the house and found Mama taking clothes off of the drying line and humming a little tune. I plucked a few of the clothespins off of Daddy’s t-shirts and laid them in the basket, watching her move through her chores as she had every day of my life. Had I not known her secret, I’d never have pictured Mama doing anything more than tending to our meals, clothing, and school needs. Mama was becoming someone else right before my eyes, and I wondered what other secrets she held. The more I thought about what I might not know about her, the more I wanted to share my burdens with her.

“Mama?” I asked tentatively. “What if you knew who hurt Albert Johns? Would you do somethin’ about it?”

She stopped humming, her eyes shot to the barn and back. When she answered, her voice was very quiet. I leaned in close to hear her.

“That wouldn’t do any good. There’s no punishment for beatin’ up a colored boy.”

Or killin’ a colored man.
“But, how would you live with yourself? Knowin’ what someone had done and that they didn’t get punished?”

Again her eyes shot across our property. She folded the sheet she had been holding and came to my side. Mama took my hand in hers and walked me around to the other side of the house, out of sight from the barn. She reached in her apron pocket and pulled out an elastic band, wrapped it expertly around her fingers, then gathered her hair behind the nape of her neck, and fastened it in one quick movement.

“Honey, no justice will be served for this. There’s nothin’ we can do or say that will make this attack be justly punished.” Again, she eyed the barn. “I shouldn’t have taken you with me. It was wrong of me. Please, if you do one thing, please just live your life and forget about this nonsense.”

“It’s not nonsense, Mama, and I can’t even believe you are callin’ it that.”

Mama remained quiet for so long, I feared I’d be punished for talking back to her. When she looked back into my eyes, I saw so much more there than anger. They were drenched in defeat.

“Honey, you’re too young to understand the dangers that make up this kind of thing.”

“I’m not, Mama.” I paced beside her, adrenaline rushing through my veins. I had never stood up to either of my parents before, but I couldn’t stop myself. “Do you think that just because you and Daddy turn off the radio I don’t hear about what’s happenin’ in the world? Look at Mr. Bingham. He was murdered and the police didn’t even care.” The honesty felt good, even if it scared the hell out of me.

“Alison, lower your voice.” Mama peered around the side of the house toward the barn. “Please, just keep yourself out of this mess. You have a good life ahead of you. Marry Jimmy Lee, have children, let this kind of thing work itself out.”

“Work itself out? Well, can I do what you did? Can I help them?”

“No.” She didn’t hesitate or soften her tone. Mama grabbed my arm and squeezed tight. She’d never before laid a hand on me. She meant business, and it frightened me. “You are never to do what I did, do you hear me? Alison Jean, promise me.”

I tried to pull my arm away, but as confident as I had suddenly become, I had no strength to back it up. I relented. “Okay, I promise.” In my mind, I was already planning my traipse down to the creek, more determined than ever to see how Jackson’s family was holding up. I knew in my heart that I was doing the right thing, and though Mama feared for me, and was probably correct in doing so, I had to do what I felt was right.

I helped Mama with the dishes, nervously looking for Jackson through the window. He had no way of knowing that I would meet him. I’d denied that I would, after all. A plan formed in my mind. While Daddy listened to the radio in the other room, and Mama finished the dishes, I stepped out on the porch where I’d left my library books. I grabbed a pencil, tore a piece of paper from my notebook, and scribbled,
I will be there.
Then I peeked in the window to make sure Daddy was still seated in his chair, which he was, and I ran out to where Jackson’s bike was laying on the ground. My hands shook as I lifted the seat and tucked the slip of paper underneath. I hoped he’d understand what the note meant, and I hoped we wouldn’t get caught.

The sun hovered just above the horizon, illuminating the sky in beautiful shades of blue, purple, and pink. I had been waiting for Jackson, watching the sun set, and was ready to give up when I felt, more than heard, him behind me. My heartbeat sped up and set my legs trembling. I turned around and my eyes lingered over his sweat-laden muscles pressing against his drenched t-shirt.  I felt a blush creeping up my cheeks, and I was powerless to move. The air between us was suddenly thick, uncomfortable.

“You came?” he asked in a low voice.

I nodded, feeling the heat of his gaze, the same longing desire I was trying so desperately to hide. I turned away and sat down on a wide tree stump, hoping to quell the heat on my cheeks. He knelt at the creek bed and washed his hands in the fresh water.

“Did it go okay?” I asked.

He looked back and that heat of attraction hit me again. I smoothed my skirt, then patted my hair, worrying about if I looked pretty enough. I didn’t know what to do with the feelings I was having. The same heart racing excitement I’d felt for Jimmy Lee so long ago, only something deeper. I wasn’t only interested in Jackson’s looks, like I was with Jimmy Lee at first. I wanted to know everything about Jackson. I wanted to touch him, take my time, savor the feel of his hand, our fingers interlaced. I wanted him to whisper my name in my ear and set my nerves on end. I looked away, embarrassed. What I wanted was so wrong that it was even more exciting.
What on earth was I doin’?