Has to Be Love (29 page)

“What are you intent on over there?” Suki chuckles as she pulls out of the driveway.

“Columbia. It's sort of been a thing of mine.” I drop the phone in my lap and close my eyes.

“A
thing?”

“Salinger, Welty … I mean the list of writers who went there is …”

“Impressive,” she finishes. “And you had a good time when you went.”

“Amazing.” There's no other way to describe it. “I never told Dad, but it's
the
school, you know? Mom went there, then she got me started on a few authors who went there, and if someone were to ask which school I'd take above all others—”

“That's what you'd say.”

I open my eyes and stare at the trees. “That's what I'd say.” Except I didn't want to go until my scars were fixed, and now I can't be fixed in the way I thought, but maybe … I'm not on a cliff. I'm on a tightrope. Believing that I could ever be okay with how I look is like starting across that rope, a precarious balance, but … what if I could make it out the other side? What if I could do the small fixes—bleach, maybe some shots or grafts or … whatever is suggested, and then be okay with what's left? Part of me doesn't
want
to want that because I want to feel pretty again, and part of me is desperate for it.

She frowns. “I don't think your father knows Columbia is such a big deal for you. I got the impression he sent you just to show you how big the world is and because Rhodes has a friend there.”

I bite my thumbnail. “I'd be surprised if he knows how huge it is for me.” I've been afraid to speak the words for too long.

“Hmmm.”

“They have two openings in the summer workshop program, and I could probably snag one of them.”

“And from there, you could probably start classes in the fall.”

“Yeah, maybe. But I asked to defer. I didn't give them my deposit …” I pull in the deepest breath I can like it'll somehow make me feel less … stressed. But the maybe could be a yes because even though I told myself I wasn't going, I told them I'm coming next fall. Maybe I knew all along.

“Everything else aside, is that what you want?”

What I want.
Tears spring to my eyes immediately. “I don't know anything. Every time I make a choice, it's the wrong one. I don't trust myself anymore.”

Suki gives my knee a squeeze. “That feeling won't last forever. And you know what your dad would say.”

“He'd tell me to spend more time on my knees praying.” The problem is that there's a whole practical side, and I'm not sure how to reconcile that yet. “It's so expensive, and I'd be so far …”

She chuckles. “I can see that smile trying to break through already.”

I press my fingers all around my eyes trying to get rid of any hint of tears. “Please don't say anything to anyone, okay?”

“Summer program has to start soon.”

So soon. Too soon. “Three days. I need to tell them tomorrow.”

“Well.” Suki smiles widely again. “That means you got twenty-four whole hours to let this sit in your brain, but while it sits, can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

“Don't you dare stay here because of your dad. He'll be okay. Don't stay here because of Elias, whatever's going on between you two. And don't go because Rhodes obviously wants you to. This is the time in your life when you're putting together
your
life. It's way too early to wrap yourself around what anyone else wants for you. Your decisions right now aren't forever ones unless you get knocked up.” She winks.

I shake my head. “It's not that easy. Everything I decide could have lasting consequences I haven't even thought of yet.”

“It
is
that easy.” Suki's voice is stern. “It would break your dad's heart if he thought you gave up on something you wanted because of him. And any boy who loves you? It should break his heart too.”

“Well, I don't have any boy.”
Three days … three days … three days …
Can I pick up and leave in three days?

Dear Heavenly Father,

I know my bargains haven't gone so well, but if you'd leave a note in my room or give me some lightning or some kind of answer, I promise I'll find a way to pay you back.

Thank you,

Clara

I stand, stunned, in Dad's hospital room. “I'm sorry, what?”

Dad chuckles. “Married. You know. Wedding bells, white dresses, big cake, only …”

“Without all of those things,” Suki says. “And at the courthouse.”

“And we're doing it tomorrow,” Dad adds.

“Dad.” I widen my eyes. “I just … It's just …”

He reaches out and grasps my hand. “Life can be short. I love her in a way I didn't think I'd love another woman. I've been afraid to move forward for a thousand different reasons, none of which felt important when I sat here in the hospital realizing what I might miss out on.”

I want to harass him more, but it's not crazy. He and Suki together make complete and total perfect sense. Like two love poems—totally different in rhythm and style, but both ending in happily-ever-afters.

“Tell me where to be and what to wear, and …” I shrug but the smile is starting to take over.

I throw my arms around Suki who lets out a small “oh” and hugs me back.

“My girls.” Dad grins. “I'm one lucky man.”

I glance back and forth between him and Suki a few times. She's already so much a part of our family that everything feels … right. Now I need to find that same feeling about whatever I decide to do. The problem is that every time I close my eyes or let a decision creep in, I hear the same word whispered somewhere so deep inside that I don't know if it's just something in me that wants it, or if it really is what I should do, but it says the same thing every time.

Go.

39

The musty smell of the old courthouse pinches at my nose, and I smooth my hands over the silkiness of my dress again. Dad isn't patient enough for a full-on Mormon temple forever-wedding, if that's what they decide to do. He wanted to be married to Suki now.

The wooden walls and benches are worn, but so is almost everything in Knik.

Elias takes my breath away when he steps into the courtroom in a dark gray suit. It cuts perfectly over his strong shoulders and nips in at his narrow waist. His eyes meet mine and my insides pool into warmth.

“Wow.” Cecily nudges me.

“He always will be.”

“Always will be,” she agrees.

“Okay!” Dad claps his hands, his wheelchair and hospital stay only slowing him a little. He's already twitching his feet. His road to walking will be long, but it'll happen. And he'll have Suki.

Her sister flew down from Nome, and both women are tsking and fussing over lapels and flowers and lipstick—both wearing the same startling shade of pink.

Elias sticks his head between me and Cecily and steps forward until he's standing between us. He holds out his arms and we each take one. The relief that comes from talking to Elias again is something so huge that I can't measure it—a piece of my life has settled back into place, which makes moving forward a lot easier.

The ceremony is brief and to the point and, with a bit of a naughty kiss considering their age, it's done.

Elias gives me a quick peck on the cheek and then gives Cecily a quick peck on the cheek.

Cecily cocks a brow as she leans away with a smile.

“Didn't want you to feel left out.” He grins.

I squeeze Elias's arm tighter. “I'm leaving,” I say tightly.

“What do you mean?” He pulls back.

“For Columbia.” I push out a breath. “I told them this morning. The program starts in two days, so I'm gone—”

“Late tonight,” Cecily interrupts. “And I'm stuck here for the rest of the summer. But we'll be catching up in the fall!”

“If I'm there in the fall. They sent out letters to wait-listed students, but I talked to admissions and if someone says no, I can maybe have their spot. I sort of fudged timelines around Dad being in the hospital, so Columbia allowed me to cancel my deferment. But for now, New York.” And I'm okay with only knowing what will happen over the next couple months. The rest I can decide later. “I might be home to get my lip fixed between summer and fall or maybe not until Christmas break. But I'm going.”

“Clara …” Elias's jaw drops before he grabs me and pulls me into a tight hug. “I'm shocked but happy and so,
so
proud of you. This is so much to take in. Your mom … You know how amazed she'd be, right?”

I nod as I tighten my arms around him.

“You're going to be fantastic,” he says.

“'Course she is.” Dad laughs as he swats Elias's leg playfully. “My Ivy League girl. Everyone, load up because I just got married and now I need a steak.”

I give Suki a tight hug before she pushes Dad out of the courtroom.
Ivy League Girl.

It's real. Columbia is
real.

Goose bumps break out across my skin, and there's no lightning or note or whatever I asked for in my last bargain-prayer, but my decision finally feels right. I'm going to take that feeling with me all the way to New York.

40

“I have to say I'm a little jealous of Cecily,” Elias teases as he rests his arms on Snoopy's stall.

I breathe in the smell of the barn knowing how desperately I'm going to miss being out here. Between Suki and Cecily and the neighbors, my horses will be taken care of, but I'll miss my time with the wood and warmth and smells. Some of my best memories of Mom are in here, and the loss of her will follow me, but the memories will too.

“NYU is still many blocks away.”

He turns sideways and leans against the stall so he's facing me. “Closer than here.”

“Closer than here,” I agree.

I'm not sure what Elias is getting at. I don't know what I want. I do know that I miss him. That I miss the easy way we were together until I got crazy on both of us.

He steps closer to me and turns toward Snoopy again, letting our arms touch. I don't think, just rest my head on his shoulder. There's so much between us, and I'm glad there is, but I also wish there wasn't. I'm conflicted, like I seem to be all the time.

“What are we, Elias?”

“I don't know.”

I rest my chin on his shoulder and watch him. “Are you okay with that?”

He laughs lightly and I know he's about to tease, which is sort of perfect. “It's better than being dumped by you.”

I kiss his shoulder before resting my cheek against it again. “Sorry,” I whisper. “I panicked.”

“I love you.” Elias says it like he knows it. And he does. He loves me in a lot of different ways, I think.

“Yes, I know,” I say. I'm just not in a place where I can say it back. I love him as a friend and as the boy who sat next to me when Mom died, but more than that? It's too much to think about, and I don't know what it means to love him or to
say
I love him. I said it to him too many times without meaning the words in the same way he meant them. That's not going to happen again.

“Okay,” he says. “I'm going to answer your question.”

I stand silently and slide my hand around the arm I'm leaning on.

“I don't know what we are, but I'm also okay with that. Weird, considering that the label of us, of going steady, of being engaged felt so comforting. But now … it's different because I know how I feel about you and that's enough. And I couldn't be more proud. I know someone won't take their spot at your school, and you'll end up staying there in the fall and wowing the crap out of them. I want that for you. So bad.”

I give his arm a squeeze. “Thanks.”

“I'd like to kiss you before you leave. Am I overstepping?”

“Does …” I swallow hard as I raise my head from his arm. I want to see how he reacts to my question. To me. “Does it feel weird to kiss me? Are my scars …” I swallow again. “Are they as gross to you as they are to me?”

“What?” His brows scrunch in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

I touch my lip. Point to my eye, my cheek.

A small smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. “You are beautiful, Clara. Inside and out. I look at your scars and all I see is strength. I see beauty and
strength,
and how amazing you are to have come out the other side of something that could have taken your life.”

His words knock into my heart, lightening, pushing, comforting. “You see the beauty in everyone.”

“Not Rhodes,” he teases. “I don't think he's beautiful.”

I laugh. An honest, real laugh. “You didn't answer my question.”

“You.” He tilts his head until our faces nearly touch. “You have always been perfect to me, Clara. Always.”

I close my eyes and ache at the nearness of him.

His lips touch mine so softly I barely feel him, and a small
hmm
slides up my throat.

“You're complicating things,” I say.

Elias laughs once. “I'm not sorry. We both agree we don't know what we are, right? You're leaving. I'm staying. We both have lives to live right now. And after what we've been though together, I think that's a good thing.”

“Yes,” I agree. “It is.”

Elias pulls me to his chest. “You have fun in New York, Clara. I love you.”

“And you have fun finishing your house.” I don't know what else to tell him because the thought of letting him down again is unacceptable. No pretenses. No idea what we are. No label. Just … whatever is, is.

His hands rest on my biceps and give me another squeeze. He leans down and kisses my cheek before resting his face against mine. “Bye, Clara,” he whispers.

I open my mouth to tell him good-bye, but he drops his arms and walks out of the barn before I can speak.