Hart's Victory (21 page)

T
HE STRANGE DEPRESSION
of that moment lingered in the air during the week. He and Kellie went through the motions, dancing around each other for days as they focused only on Charlie and his needs. Hart found himself wanting to somehow shake her, wake her from the doldrums she’d wrapped around herself. While physically she still gave herself to him, mentally she slipped away. She’d retreated, compartmentalized and shut him out.

“Kellie, you know we have to talk,” he said as he followed her to the hospital cafeteria. Charlie and Anita were in his room watching the Sunday afternoon race.

“You should be racing today,” she told him. “In New Hampshire.”

“This was more important,” Hart said. “You’re more important.”

“No, I’m not,” Kellie replied. Seeing a few interested observers looking their direction, she led Hart outside into a quiet, deserted courtyard. She walked among the plants, the mid-September day warm and sunny.

“Kellie, you’ve been avoiding me all week.”

She arched her eyebrow. “You’ve been here with me.”

“Oh, you’ve been in the same room as me. You’ve given me your body and lost yourself in my arms. But you haven’t been open. You’re pushing me away and I want to know why.”

“You shouldn’t have given up a weekend of racing for us,” she said.

He shrugged. “Why not? I’m out of the Chase. My sponsors can deal with it. I just negotiated another multiyear contract. Being here for you and Charlie was much more important. Kellie, don’t you realize how much I care? How much I love you?”

She jutted her chin forward. “You care too much and for the wrong reasons. If something happens to Charlie, you won’t need to come around anymore.”

He drew up next to her and stared down. “Kellie, stop being afraid. You know that’s not true. I love you. Those are words I’ve never said to any woman besides my mother. I want to marry you.”

Her lip trembled slightly. “You’re just saying that because of Charlie. I heard what he told you on Tuesday. I was standing in the doorway. I didn’t know you’d arrived. He wants the joke to be real. He wants you to marry me.”

“If you overheard our conversation, then you know those are my intentions, but not because Charlie asked me, either.”

“This is unreal.”

“Why? I love you. I don’t say anything that I don’t mean and I don’t want to marry you simply to keep Charlie happy. Even I wouldn’t go that far. But I love you. Those are my intentions. Long-term. Nothing less.”

From her expression, Hart knew she didn’t believe him. It was as if he were shooting darts but couldn’t hit the target. Her husband had hurt her terribly, and Hart knew he was fighting an uphill battle. Kellie had told him about John. Hart simply hadn’t realized the full implications until now.

“It doesn’t matter,” Kellie said. “Hart, I…I…”

No. He couldn’t let her say the words that would allow her to slip away, allow her to retreat back into her comfort zone. “You can’t lie to me and tell me you don’t love me. I feel it. Here.” He placed her hand on his heart. Her skin heated under his touch.

“No, I can’t lie,” Kellie admitted. “But sometimes love isn’t enough. If it were, I would have loved Charlie’s illness into oblivion and John wouldn’t have left.”

“Kellie…” Hart began.

“No. I can’t risk it. I’m repeating the same patterns of my life over and over. I didn’t choose this route, but I have to be here for Charlie. I want to be here for him, never think otherwise. While I might love you, I can’t be at the track when you need me to be. I also can’t add more worry to my life. What if you get hurt?”

“You don’t have to worry about me,” Hart said.

“I do. I can’t help it. I worry about you wrecking or having a poor finish or about whether you’ll still think I’m pretty years from now. Maybe other wives and girlfriends can handle it, but they don’t walk into a clinic on a weekly basis. I do that enough with Charlie. I can’t turn around and worry about whether I am going to have to do it with you, too. That’s asking the impossible of me. I’m tired. I can’t give any more. The well’s dry. As much as I care about you, the risks that come with loving you are way too high.”

“Kellie�” he started.

“No. Don’t tell me how safe your job is. I know my argument is irrational, but to me it’s not. You can’t be anything but a race car driver. I can’t be anything but a mother with a very sick son. In the end, our lives are too different to converge for long. We knew this before we started, but we chose to ignore the fact that you and I were destined only to be temporary. That’s why I tried not to go to the first race. That’s why I tried not to fall in love with you. Everyone I love dies. My father. My husband. If this chemo doesn’t work, Charlie.”

“Kellie, I’m not planning on dying, at least not until I’m a very old, old man. I’m not leaving you. I’m no more at risk than anyone else.”

She stood silhouetted against the foliage. “I know you mean that. In the end, though, the only one I’ve ever relied on is me. I have suffered disappointment after disappointment. For both of our sakes, I have to do this. If you really love me, you’ll understand.”

She’d thrown out the ultimate female weapon. If he really loved her, he’d abide by her request. It was a terrible trump card, only to be used in the most serious or most desperate of situations. This was both, and Hart knew that battling with her would only make her dig in further. He was in a no-win situation.

“I see,” Hart said. His jaw twitched as he held his emotions tightly in check. He’d have to think this through�later, when his heart wasn’t shattering.

“You’ll get over me,” she said, as if those words could be some sort of consolation.

“No,” Hart said. He shook his head. “No woman has ever broken my heart before.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. She couldn’t hold back the tears, and he felt guilty for his harsh words. No matter what, he never wanted to hurt her.

“I know you’re sorry,” Hart said, gently. “I know you are, but that doesn’t make me feel any better. Kellie, I love you. I know you’re afraid, and for once in my life, I am, too. I’m afraid of losing you, and that’s exactly what’s happening. Maybe we shouldn’t talk anymore. Give both of us time to think.”

“I don’t need any more time to think,” she told him.

“Maybe you will anyway,” Hart said. “If you don’t mind, tell Charlie I’ll be in touch later. I’m going to fly back home. I’d like to rest up for my meeting with Wally tomorrow. I have to be in Dover next weekend.”

“I understand.” She looked broken standing there, and Hart wanted to draw her into his arms and convince her that everything would be okay. But he knew that bulldozing would only be a temporary thing. Maybe that old cliché did hold true�if you loved something, you had to set it free; if it came back to you, it was yours. Hart had never experienced such pain or fear, but somehow he turned and walked away, leaving Kellie behind.

“H
ELLO
,
RACE FANS
, and welcome to Atlanta on this warm, sunny weekend before Halloween. I’m Guy Edwards and I’m with Malcolm French and we’ll be your guides today for all the prerace and race day activities that will start in a few hours. Thanks for joining us for our early show.”

“Chasers aside, we have to take a minute to focus on Hart Hampton. He’s been in a huge funk ever since Dover, not even reaching the top twenty the past two races.”

“He was fifteenth at Talladega, but Hampton fans have to be wondering what has been going on with their driver. It’s like he doesn’t care anymore. Even his lucky charms have seemingly left him high and dry as we haven’t seen them at the track.”

C
HARLIE MUTED
the television set. He couldn’t listen to the early morning cable show anymore. Hart did care. He cared way too much. That was the problem. Heck, Charlie didn’t even want to watch the race today. He would, though, for he was actually feeling much better and his grandma had declared they could have pizza later.

Charlie surveyed the living room. This was the sixth weekend since Hart’s departure. The last round of chemo had been harsh, but so far it had worked. He was on the upswing. He just wished Hart were the same. He knew he wasn’t, for he’d talked to him yesterday.

Charlie hated hiding the fact that he kept in touch with Hart from his mom, but Charlie knew his mother was stubborn. Usually that was one of the things he loved most about her. His mom’s stubbornness in believing that he’d get well had paid off this time. Once she’d shed her tears, she’d become the fighter he knew her to be. If only she’d fight for Hart and her own chance for happiness. Charlie glanced up as his mom came into the living room about nine o’clock. “You got up late,” he told her.

“I didn’t sleep well,” Kellie said. “Bad dreams.”

“You sound like me a few months ago,” Charlie said. He changed the channel to a show on ghost hunting. Since it was the weekend before Halloween, this particular cable station was having an all-day marathon, and there was nothing Charlie loved better than ghosts.

K
ELLIE WALKED INTO
the kitchen, leaving her son behind with his show. She filled the coffeepot and pressed the Start button. Then she leaned back against the cabinet and yawned. She’d dreamt that two stock cars crashed and that Hart’s car disappeared into the smoke. She’d jolted awake about four, the dream so vivid and real that she had no idea of the ending�what happened and whether Hart was okay. This is why I let Hart go, she thought, although not speaking with him had been the hardest thing she’d ever done in her life. She reached for a mug and set it on the counter.

Kellie had lost Hart, by her own choice. But he was still in her heart. Even now, a month and a half later, she still thought about him constantly. She told herself that surely he’d moved on. Certainly he’d forgotten her. She’d started doing her grocery shopping and errands during race times, leaving the house so she didn’t hear the broadcasters calling his name. She avoided the sports section of the newspaper, didn’t listen to any of the radio programs or watch the cable shows with her son.

Despite all her actions, Hart was still as real to her as ever, and she didn’t have to see him on the screen. She still worried about him and fantasized about what could have been, if she’d had the guts.

“So what did you dream about?” Charlie asked, coming into the kitchen, his oatmeal bowl in hand.

“Nothing,” she said.

“You know, Mom, I’m sixteen. I have a driver’s permit and I’m getting my license next week. I’m not a child anymore and that means you can talk to me. If you’re this grumpy, I’d say you had a pretty bad nightmare.”

She smiled. “No, it’s not like that.”

“Hart, maybe?” Charlie asked.

“What makes you so perceptive?”

He shrugged and set the bowl in the sink. “Don’t know. You’ve just seemed out of sorts lately. So did you dream about him marrying someone else?”

“No,” she shot back, aghast that he would even think such a thing. “I dreamt that two cars crashed and Hart went into the smoke. Then I woke up.”

“Ah,” Charlie said.

“Ah, what?” Kellie asked suspiciously.

“You still care about him,” Charlie said matter-of-factly.

Kellie blushed and looked away. “These aren’t things you talk about with your mother.”

“Mom, I’m grown up,” Charlie said. “Or at least close enough. I mean, I’ve faced my own mortality. Don’t you think I’m adult enough for this? Besides, I know Hart still cares for you. I know he’s still in love with you.”

Kellie turned her head sharply so she could see him. “How would you know that?”

“Because I asked him. He said he still loves you.”

Kellie inhaled quickly. “You shouldn’t still be talking with Hart!”

Charlie wasn’t in the least bit repentant. He shrugged. “Why not? I didn’t break up with him. We’re friends. Sorry, but you may not want him in your life, but I want him in mine. And I’m old enough to make my own decisions. I’m just not a ’fraidy cat like you are.”

Kellie stood there, dumbfounded. Had Charlie just…

“Yeah, I just called you a name. You can punish me all you want, but I’m not afraid to call you that because it’s the truth. You love Hart but you’re afraid to let yourself. You’re afraid of losing him. Well, Mom, you already have lost him, only you did it to yourself. Punish me if you want, but it’s the truth.”

“I…” Kellie blustered. “I’m not discussing this with you.”

“Mom.” Charlie came over and put his hand on her arm. “Mom, I may not have dated�okay, not at all. My only experience in male-female love might be from soap operas and talk show psychologists, but I think I can recognize that you two love each other a great deal.”

“He’s a race car driver,” Kellie said.

“Yep. That doesn’t make him bad husband material.”

“I don’t want to visit another hospital,” she tried.

“You might have to anyway. You will someday with Grandma. You will with me. Are you going to block out all the people you care about you because eventually you’ll have to face their mortality?”

“We shouldn’t be having this conversation. I’m your mother. You shouldn’t be psychoanalyzing me.”

“Mom, Grandma and I have talked about this. I’m sick. I might get lucky this time. I made my peace with death a long time ago. I don’t live in fear of what the future might bring, but I try to live each day to the fullest.”

“You sound like Hart.”

“Yeah, he’s like me or vice versa. We respect fear but don’t let it chain us. Where would the world be if the Wright Brothers had feared flying? What about those astronauts who risked it all so that man could explore space? Fear is healthy, but, Mom, you’ve let it take away the one thing that could make you happy.”

“You make me happy,” Kellie replied. She busied herself with washing the dishes as she waited for the coffee to finish brewing.

“But I can’t make you happy like Hart can. You need both of us, Mom. Life is to be lived, one moment at a time as if each moment is a blessing.”

She paused. “Okay, you got that line from your grandmother.”

“Yep,” Charlie answered with a grin. He gave his mom a big hug, his thin arms tightening and releasing. He stepped back. “Hart won the pole.”

“That’s great,” she said, the moment bittersweet.

“You should be there for him,” Charlie said. “Grandma and I will be fine. Atlanta’s only six hours away. If you leave now, you can be there in plenty of time before the race ends.”

“Really, that’s rather far to drive. My car needs a tune-up and….”

“Take the Corvette. I’ll go print you some directions off the Internet.”

“I don’t know,” Kellie said. Her little boy was a man now, and she recognized that he was right. He’d matured before her eyes, especially during this last round of treatments.

“Look, if I’m not afraid of the future, you shouldn’t be. You still have your hard card. You’ll get in. Or you could call Cynthia. I’m sure she’ll send a plane.”

“No, that’s okay. I’m not sure how Cynthia will take my presence.”

“It’ll be fine. Get your coffee and get going. I’ll go get you those directions.”

“So, are you going?” A few seconds after Charlie went to his computer, Anita spoke up from where she’d been standing in the doorway.

“How long have you been there?”

“Long enough. So?” her mother asked.

“I don’t know,” Kellie replied.

“You probably should go,” Anita said, coming in and helping herself to the freshly brewed coffee. “You’ve been pretty miserable to live with lately, and my favorite driver’s lost his mojo. I’m sure quite a few Hampton fans would be thrilled if you helped him get it back. Besides, if you have doubts, six hours in a car will give you plenty of time to think. You’ve been avoiding that lately.”

“You’re taking Charlie’s side,” Kellie protested.

Anita took a sip. “Kellie, I’m taking your side. Your son is right. You’ve let fear control your life. You’re afraid that loving Hart will make you vulnerable. You’re strong, Kellie. Love makes you even stronger. Whatever fate hands you with Hart, you’ll be able to handle it because love is like that. It helps you weather everything, just like I did with your father. We may not have had our golden years together, but the time I had with him was the best. I wouldn’t have traded it for anything or another man who might have lived longer. Don’t throw away a chance of being happy just because you’re stubborn. Those who risk are the ones who are rewarded.”

“You sound like a fortune cookie,” Kellie said, grasping for a glib reply since she was so shocked and awed by her mom’s admission.

“You’re out of excuses, so stop trying to discredit my philosophical gems. Go to Atlanta. See Hart. If you realize that you’ve moved on and you don’t love him, then turn around and come home. If not, Charlie and I will be fine here. Go.”

“Okay, I’m going,” Kellie said, leaving her untouched coffee cup on the counter and heading to the bathroom.